No Contact - Has It Worked?

[Aureus]

I guess my question to the forum and my fellow broken-heart patrons is this: has anyone retrieved a lost love through the N.C. method?

[the_dude007]

NC is a method for YOU. Don't use it to get anyone back. It's not a tactic, it's a strategy in which you will use to cool off, heal, and let the other person have a time in their life where you aren't in it.

 

If you are aren't consumed by the thoughts of "when should I call, what should I say, I wonder what they are doing, etc etc, then you can use that time to understand yourself a bit better, analyze the relationship, and figure out what YOU need to do to heal or fix any past behaviours / mistakes.

 

Go do the things you want to do. Heal, have fun, etc etc.

 

One benefit IS the fact that sometimes once you are truly out of someone's life, they begin to miss you and wonder what you are doing. Then maybe they come back to you....in all the instances of people that I know who got back together, and I know quite a few, i each instance there was a remarkable amount of time spent not in contact. And in some people's cases they worked it out. But they both had to be willing to do so.

 

There's nothing you can do to win your SO back - but you can work on yourself. And sometimes things happen as a result. If they don't, at least you've made it through a better person for it.

[Princess1975]

the_dude: you just gave everyone and excellent point of view regarding NC. I totally agree with you.. You just can't sit around and "plan" your moves. This is not a game...

 

NC does help you heal and see the good/bad things out of your relationship, and understand how far you are willing to go for that special someone. One more thing you'll need to do is just be yourself and follow your heart. But you need to truly listen to it - most of the times, the heart is right!!

 

Don't do something just bc *everbody* tells you to do it, or bc they say it works or bc they think your SO deserves this or that.. No one know better that the one that is living a specific situation, so yes, it helps to share and talk it through (your problem) but don't let anyone influence you 100% in your decisions.. Ask, analyze and take your own choice! Just be sure to think things through, put your heart to it and you'll never regret the outcome!

[J dub]

The dude and princess both did an excellent job of summing up NC for the benefits its intended for. Another bit of thought: youshould never EVER do X to get someone else to do Y. Always do things for yourself in this sort of situation, its time to be selfish and spoil yourself. They let you go, so make use of that "me" time

[allaboutchoices]

I agree. Doing NC thinking you will get your love back might bite you in your butt.

I did NC by choice cuz I wanted to get over the whole thing. I got a phone call a week later just to realize that NC is the only way to go to forget. NC has worked for me, it showed me that I did not want what I had, I was just used to it.

[the_dude007]

Staying out of contact is a great way to heal, move on, etc. It makes it easier.

 

However this is the Second Chances forum, so here's a thought of NC in that context. Let me put it this way....

 

You've had a bad day. You get home, tired, drained. You just want some peace and quiet to relax from a tough day of the office, school, etc. The phone rings. It's a telemarketer. Nice, another stressor. They harp on you and your level of stress rises....you just don't have the patience anymore and you do everything you can to get off the call.

 

Think of yourself as the telemarketer when you contact your ex. You are peddling something they don't want anymore. And that may change, but for now, they don't.

 

I'm learning as I go here. Trust me on that. I've been reeling for a month after my ex broke up with me. Each time we spoke, I brought up the b/u, and questioned why it happened, and overanalysed it. At times my ex was open to contact, and now she's just annoyed. There's nothing attractive about someone who isn't listening and keeps bringing up the same conversation.

 

My ex is hurting too, she's got a lot on her mind along with this b/u and I bring up negative feelings by staying in the picture. So yeah, I need a period of NC because I am not acting like myself. And once I did I have reached a period of TREMENDOUS clarity.

 

We're smart people. Lose your fears, park the emotions, get some perspective, be patient and then decide what you want. You might be surprised what you find out.

[J dub]

BTW, if you have been dumped:

 

YOU are in the right place right now...think about it. YOU are on the easy end of the situation. By no means did your ex just decide, you know what? The hell with [you], I want out. Those types of decisions take time and calculated decisions before they act. So, at this point they are going thru quite a bit of emotions right now, mostly wondering if what they did was the right thing. No doubt they are going to wonder if you hate them, or if they will ever get a chance again should they change their mind.

 

On the other hand, YOU have no choice but to move on...they made the decision for you and now you can break free and start a clean slate with someone brand new. You can have the butterflies and wonderfulness of a new relationship...YOU dont have the aching pangs of, Did I do the right thing? nagging at you.

 

So, with that said...I will not say that being the dumpee is easy, but I would have to say that its easiER than being on the other end

[Aureus]

Thankyou for the advice everyone. I know I have been feeling up and down this past week. Some days I think I will make it through the pain and still remain good friends with my ex (who I don't want to lose in my life whether I am with her or not - and she says the same). Then other days I feel like I can't handle hearing how much fun she is having (she constantly updates her Live Journal and calls me now and again). She seems so cold when she expects me to just get over it because she fell out of love with me. There is so much contradiction in her words (and I know from reading a lot of the posts already here how exs confuse us with being hot and cold). She says she fell out of love with me months ago and didn't know it until we broke up. Yet I remember when we had those "moments" where we were laughing she would hold my hands and look me in the eyes and say "you know I am in love with you?". And she rarely tells me she loves me unless I say it first, because she says that she is secrative. Also she told me a few days before we broke up that she was talking to her friend who told her that when you are making love with your partner and you feel love when your eyes meet then you are still in love. She said after this that she still sees love in my eyes and is still in love with me. During the breakup she told me she still loves me and hopes to come back (the whole butterfly thing - let it go and if it comes back it was meant to be). Yet after a few days of NC she told me that she loves me but isn't "in love" with me. Now she is moving basically right next to me where I live.

 

We spent the whole 3 years to ourselves and neglected our friends. We did everything together. And everytime I wasn't around she would call me to come back - even when I had left her only hours later. I admit I did a lot for her, I did her university assignments when she couldn't do them, I did a lot of house chores for her when we moved out together, I helped her record her first demo CD (she still says she wants me to be her music manager and help her record her CD - even though she and her new bf know how to record and mix music), and so much more (little things like walk to the shops to get her something when she wanted it). I admit my faults in the relationship. I know we had big fights and I acted childish and caused a lot of the distance between us, but she told me that couples breakup so easily these days over stupid things and they don't try to work things out and stop being selfish. Yet she left me. This other guy has qualities I have, but never showed her. She told me that. But she told me that she only likes him but loves me. It is oh so confusing. She keeps telling me it won't last with this guy, but I know that if you stay with someone who you like intially then love won't be hard follow in the passing months. The thing is I'm not selfish about it all. If we aren't meant to be then we aren't, but I'm not willing to lose her friendship. I guess I either want her back, or time to heal and fall out of love with her so I can maintain a friendship. It sesms so easy for her to have someone new in her life and she told me she has stopped crying. I guess she seems so different, like I don't know her. I am getting better... but there are moment that I miss her crazy.

 

I have really enjoyed the bluntness of everyone's replies about helping yourself first before even thinking of the ex. I guess I am trying to find easy answers but there are none. My ex told me that there is hope for everything, but not to dwell on it and to see where life takes you. She would always tell me that I try to predict things too much and that I had high expectations and I know in a lot of ways she is right. Another thing that bothers me is that we had everything in common (political, spiritual, hobbies, interests) and I haven't found someone like that until her. I guess I fear the unknown of never finding someone who will meet up to her standards. I know that is a stupid mindset but I still haven't got over it yet. There is so much more with us too. She had a miscarriage with me this year when we lived together. And she was depressed about it for a long time. I was there for her all the way, I bought her a book, and helped her find stuff on the net to learn how to deal with the loss. It was around that period that we first broke up. She told me she was that upset that it made her realise that she could have thrown her life away from being a mother at such a young age (18). She went out with her friend every week and said she wanted to see what it was like being with other men. She never did. Then after a month or so we gradually got back together. I think it was because we lived together and we had time to talk a lot about things. She said she wanted to start off slow though. Then sometime later she proposed to me! We have proposed on and off with each other throughout the relationship.

 

Anyway I'm just rambling now. But yeah, now that we aren't together I not only love and miss her so much, I worry for her. After the breakup she stopped eating. I did the same. And she started doing strange things like her and her bf were going to sleep at the university one night because his father didn't approve of the relationship and they were doing the whole "rebellious" run-away together thing. I spoke with them and offered them to stay at my place and they wanted to, but after a little argument with her I didn't ask them again. The next day I called her home to tell her if she got home alright and she spoke to me about how much she still likes me and thinks her new bf likes her more than she likes him. Argh. It is so confusing. Anyway I know this post is already too long as it is. Thankyou again for all the support, and I will keep you all updated.

 

P.S. I know I shouldn't contact her but she asked me recently if I could help her set up her new room in this student accomodation where I live. She wanted to know if we could hang out a lot and if she could come to my place and help cook for the family. Now I know I want the NC, but how do I let her know I can't see her for awhile without upsetting her? Because I basically promised her I would be there for her.

 

P.P.S. Also she has always wanted me to sing in front of her because she is a musician and I never did (her new bf has and they jam together - she plays piano and he plays guitar). Now just recently I borrowed her acoustic and recorded a song I wrote for her and uploaded it on one of my sites for her to lsiten to. Do you think this is a big no no for the NC rule?

[Aureus]

Oh, BTW my ex just called but I didn't pick up. I know it was her because I have a personal phone in my room and only she knows the number. It took all my willpower not to pick it up. A few hours later my ex and her new bf are knocking at my door. My mum told them I was out at the uni. Hmmm. Things just get weirder...

[J dub]

Now just recently I borrowed her acoustic and recorded a song I wrote for her and uploaded it on one of my sites for her to lsiten to. Do you think this is a big no no for the NC rule?

 

Hell yes...she moved on, you are wasting your time thinking you can "win" her back. Just let her go, not just with NC but let her go in your heart as well. You dont seem to want to accept that she has a boyfriend -- which means she is gone.

[Aureus]

Ok thanks. That song is really going to be the last contact I have with her for awhile. If she calls a few more times, I will return a call just to be civil. I don't want her completely out of my life.

[J dub]

You dont seem to get what the extent of NC means.

 

No means NONE. Not even if she calls you 4000 times. The ONLY WAY you should return a call is if she is either a) begging for you to come back, or b) on her death bed. Otherwise, you are being spineless (I am sorry, but letting them stay at your house just to be nice? C'mon dude, seriously).

 

Read your posts as if it were from a stranger, from as an objective point of view. This is how you sound. "I dont want to look needy, but I will call her whenever she wants. When she says, 'jump', I will ask, 'how high'?"

 

THIS IS NOT AN ATTRACTIVE TRAIT. What you have been doing thus far (calling her back, etc) has not worked. Something needs to change.

 

Do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing something over and over, expecting different outcomes. If you want the outcome to change, you need to change the variables to ALLOW a different conclusion. Otherwise, you are going in circles, wasting your time.

 

As long as you remain in the picture writing her songs, doing her favors, anything else that constitutes as showing her you are still hopelessly in love with her despite her being with another guy, she is going to stay right where she is. Until you give her a REASON to come back (ie, move on) she will remain in the exact same position she is in...with this other dude.

 

Dont be the "nice guy"...not anymore. You owe this girl nothing. She found you dispensable, why do you want to remain "civil" to someone who threw you to the wolves? Is that what a friend would do? HELL NO! She is not going to hate you if you fall off the face of the planet. She may get irritated for a minute, but soon she is going to think "oh my god he isnt calling me back anymore, he mustve found someone else! What have I done!! I lost him I need him back!!"

 

Seriously. You have got to get a grip here.

[blue16]

J-Dub is the Queen of No Contact here at LoveShack it seems. I agree with what she says, and I just wanted to elaborate on one point that stuck me.

 

When you said you will return her calls "just to be civil" that's just a cover for the real reason. You really want to return her calls so you can remain in contact with her...because you're still secretly hoping she'll come back to you.

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but through reading some of the posts I get the impression she hasn't treated you all that great lately. Why should you be generous and caring when she isn't doing the same at all? Being 'nice' to someone who isn't giving you the respect back isn't actually being nice at all...it's being a pushover. Don't be 'civil and friendly' to people who don't treat you with respect in return.

[Aureus]

My ex and her new bf knocked on my door this morning. My mum covered for me and said I was out. Then later in the afternoon/night she calls my private phone, which only she knows the number about 10 or 12 times, which I didn't answer! What does this mean? :s

 

BTW J dub she looked at my song on my website 5 times! I know because it is a Multiply site, which has a counter on individual users.

 

She also moved into her new unit today, which is basically next to me.

 

I'm not fishing for signs of hope but it just erks me that she can be so persistant even after she has "moved on".

 

Thanks for the reality check J dub, the_dude007, allaboutchoices, Princess1975 and blue16. Your comments have helped me a lot.

 

I have seriously never fallen out of love with the 2 loves of my life and find it quiet odd that people who do fall out expect that their exs can just switch off their feelings for them and stay friends.

[J dub]

I'm not trying to come down on you but why are you looking for signs that she might care still, if shes WITH ANOTHER MAN? YOU should be the one moving on, can you imagine in 6 mos when she still hasnt left this fella and youre still pining away for her like a lost puppy? Thats not an alluring characteristic among men, in case you didnt catch my previous comment about that.

 

It doesnt matter if she looked at your site 400 times,the point is, shes not coming back to you is she? Until (IF she even does, which is highly unlikely at this point because right now the most she probably feels is pity for you) she does, who gives a rats a$$ what she is doing? You are seriously clinging to every possible hope that there may be a chance, and you are setting yourself up for another huge fall. I know a ton of people who fall out of love with someone, it happens all the time. She probably already did, seeing as shes not only with someone else, but bringing that someone else arond you (typically we do not do those types of actions when we love someone and know it would hurt them, now do we?)

 

I am not going to respond any more because its clear that you are only going to hear what you want to hear and not whats obviously right in your face. Good luck man, youre going to need it.

[Aureus]

J dub, you are right. She called this morning and I answered the phone out of weakness. She spoke to me wanting to know how I have been and why I haven't answered her calls (all the while the new bf is in the background playing his guitar). Then she says that her new bf is going to call me today (because we use to be good friends). I cried like a bitch after that phone call. I've switched off my mobile and pulled the phone out of the wall permanantly (it's my personal phone so she won't bother with the home one because she is worried about my mother answering). Your post has been a real slap in the face. I took one step backwards when I answered that phone. I know it's real ****ing hard right now but I am not going to fold. I cannot talk to her anymore. She will come around to get her stuff but my mother will give them to her. I haven't healed - I keep fooling myself that I have - and this is just making it worse. I was doing so well yesterday, NC whatsoever. No more tears.

[J dub]

I am sorry if I was harsh, I just dont want you to keep fooling yourself in to holding on to hope when really you are wasting your time worrying about her. She has some new fella now and by maintaining NC you are going to heal MUCH MUCH MUCH faster than you have been so far.

 

I know right now its hard to imagine being with someone else, but thats part of healing and once you have had some time to yourself, you will be able to love again and you WILL find someone even better than her. And you'll do the very same thing you did while you were with her, you'll think...it just doesnt get any better than this:) thats the great part about love, it keeps improving the more you understand your faults, your needs, your type of ideal mate. Its like shooting practice, youve missed a few times but now you can correct your aim and hit the right person (or closer to mrs right) this time around.

[Aureus]

That's ok. I needed that post.

[flakyapplepie]

This girl sounds like a drama queen. All girls are dramatic to some extent but at this point it's getting pretty uneccessary.

 

First off, if she is with another guy and is content with the situation (and if you're an intelligent person you wait until you are clear headed to enter another relationship, but she doesn't seem the type), then she shouldn't be showing up at your door and calling. Believe me, I know how it is. If she really LOVED you at least at one point, she wouldn't be treating you like a marionette.

 

The truth is when you don't want someone in your life, you don't indulge them. This girl is very conflicted and cannot make a clear decision, but don't take this to mean that she might want to be with you. She might, she might not, but she's very comfortable in the gray area, and that is where she will stay unless you empower yourself. The only reason why she feels validated in her current decision with her new boyfriend is because she has you on the backburner, sniffing at her heels. This is why she contacts you, even if it's just to say that she's over you. She is just trying to make you jealous at this point and is having a very good time ****ing with you. I'm sure she's really good at that at this point.

 

On a very simple and devious note, if you really want to deal with this headcase then all you have to do is date another girl and make it known. I will guarantee that someone like this will freak out over it because you are no longer hers, and come back to you. This will not be a successful relationship.

 

But the smart thing to do? Don't indulge this girl. Work on yourself, feel empowered in the fact that she's ****ing with someone else's head and not with yours. It's not easy, but the best you can do is busy yourself. Go out as much as possible, be with friends, date other girls.

 

And don't expect to be friends. It doesn't work. You will eventually get to the point where you can just care about the person as a friend, but that takes several months, so don't kid yourself into thinking that you can be cool instantly. That takes time.

 

To answer your question, no contact DOES work for what it is. Sometimes they come back but you have to assume they don't and accept reality: they're not in your life and don't want to be. But you'd be surprised at your reaction towards the end. After no contact, my ex came crawling back. I realized that I did not want that relationship and it was more detrimental than it was gratifying.

[Aureus]

Thankyou flakyapplepie. That meant a lot me more than you will ever know. I like that gray area analogy. That actually made me smile a bit, even though it isn't helping me. I guess I understand a bit more where she is coming from. And why she is acting a little irrational (like all the other confused dumpers who are mentioned on this forum). I won't fool myself, I know that everytime I see or hear from her it kills me. So this NC has to be enforced. I want to date other girls too, I just have to go out more. I might go out tonight to the uni club and see. I really need to live for myself like everyone else is saying. And I came to that conclusion that we may never get back together (the whole "no expectations" thing) the other day and felt kinda cool about it. I want to be over her before I can be any kind of friend.

 

One question though that does not mean I want to break the NC rule... but how do I tell her after a promise to remain good friends (this was during the early days of the breakup when I didn't know about the NC rule) with her that I need space. Do I just say "I need some time alone at the moment" or "I can't see you for awhile" or what? Thanks, I know I don't owe her anything but...

[flakyapplepie]

From personal experience, you really don't have to tell her you hope to be friends in the future. It's too premature and you're both fooling yourselves. The last thing I said to my ex was "**** off". Six months later, we're talking. He even gave me some advice about my current relationship. He even said that he's so glad that we got to this point. Surprisingly, so was I. This guy did so much to my head and was bothering me. This is something I never thought would happen because of all of the negative feelings and resentment. Now we can talk as friends and appreciate each other as seperate people, which is probably how it should've been in the first place.

 

It does happen, but it's never successful when you are TRYING to be friends with that person. I contacted my ex two months back, thinking after four months of not seeing me or speaking to me he'd be over it. Any mention I made of another guy, the very air that I wasn't missing him, made him irate and whiny. He's even hung up on me. Basically, you can't force that. You have to have faith in the fact that you will talk again someday. Don't worry about your promise to her right now. It's not like she's exactly showing you how she loves you or anything, right? This time is for you and you owe her NOTHING. Take time for your emotions. If you do tell her anything, tell her the reason you don't want to deal right now is because you want to be the best friend you can be to her, so you need to take time for you. If she can't understand that, once again, she is ****ing with you. Hang up.

[J dub]

THANK YOU Flakyapple - you were able to sum up my message in two posts...but you made so much more sense than I could.

 

BTW, I totally completely agree with 100% of her message.