My shyness is causing my husband to resent me. I feel so angry with myself !

[jane]

snapshot : husband and I have been together for 11 years . married for 6 years and have 2 kids together .I am a stay at home with 2 kids full time. I do not have my licence and live 30 minutes from the nearest town. I spend most days at home on an acreage with my kids.  my husband works full time.

 

for a few weeks my husband had been off , he was distant and unhappy and was not communicating with me much at all. It was very strained , i kept asking him what was wrong , and he kept saying "there is no point in saying what is wrong , because it won't change anything , just drop it". I kept probing , then one night , he finally  relieved what had been bothering him.  He said when friends invite him to BBQS , he doesn't know what to say , he said he can't say yes because i am awkward around people and i wouldn't want to go anyway.  i said that is not true , of course we could go , i said well you know i am not going to be the life of the party but i will still go and make an effort to talk to people.  He said that its difficult going to anything social because i don''t talk much and people think i am stuck up. He said he feels like i hate people and that i am holding him back from being social. He said he loves people and doesn't want to be held back by me anymore from doing social things.  He said i don't make an effort to make friends or to talk to anyone. he said its like i want to keep him all to myself and not let him have friends. that is far from true , he goes to a friends house for boys night once a week, we do go to bbqs on a Sunday afternoon. i may not be the life of the party and be loud and converse with everyone but i do talk to people. I am not good at talking in a large group but a conversation between 1-3 people i can handle just fine. he said that its not enough , that i need to change , i said "you knew i was shy when you married me , why would you marry me when you already knew that i was shy". He said "so you are just unwilling to change then ?". i said that its hard for me to do anything with other people as i  don't have my licence and i always have to bring the kids with me ". he said i am making excuses and that its really because i hate people and want to keep him to myself.  it was just so hard , i felt like he hated me and was going to leave me. It was hard , i promised that i would make more of an effort to be social and since then things have been better. 

Since then i have been saying yes to every social event and really trying hard to converse more with others. when he does see friends , i don't contact him anymore. 

 

i get where he is coming from , i really do. I do not like being shy. Just sometimes in large groups , i freeze and its like my mouth won't speak.  i don't know why , sometimes i want to talk but its like my mouth doesn't want to speak the words.  i get nauseas , red faced and when i do talk in a large setting , i have a shaky voice and go red faced. So to avoid that , i don't say much and i guess that is why some people think i am stuck up.  i thought my husband was the one person who accepted that about me , but clearly it has always been a problem for him and for us.  i am hating myself for causing this hardship in our marriage. I am so upset that i have caused this, I feel like if I don't change soon , my husband will leave me. I know he loves me , but i can see why he has been so upset.  Even with extended family , i am not loud.  He doesn't get why , even with family i am not loud. To be fair , i don't get why i cannot be loud with extended family. He said at home , i am loud , i talk lots and am myself. He said he wants me to be like that all the time.  I don't have close friends , my best friend lives a few hours away as she moved for employment reasons. 

 

i don't really know why i am posting this , i just feel alone and don't have anyone to share this with.  i know i am the cause for the problems i am having in my marriage. my husband has kept quite about this for 11 years and i guess he couldn't ignore it anymore. i just feel like i am failing as a wife and as a parent , because any behaivour problems with the boys is my fault too , its my fault they like to be around us all the time , that they want attention all the time , he says i spoil them to much and  that i am not making concrete boundaries for them. If i don't keep on top of the house work , that is my fault too as i give too much attention to the boys and that has led to them not being able to ocuppy themselves so that i can do all the house work and make time for myself. he even says that i am over the top with the meals that i cook and that i need to prepare meals that are less time consuming.   its just so many things that he is not happy with, so many things that i could do better, like he says i need to help more on the property. i just feel so overwelmed , i cook , clean, have kids all the time . i try so hard with things , and i feel like i have to keep doing more and more , for him , for everyone else.  i have pressure on me to be more loud and social , to do more around the house , to do more on the property , to improve the boys behaviour , to enforce more rules.  there are things i want to do for myself , like get more fit and have time for basic things like shaving my legs lol. even going for a 30 min walk , is hard as i have to take the kids with me.

sorry for the long post , i am just feeling so much pressure.  

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm sorry to read you're going through this, Jane. I can understand how you must feel.

It seems to me what could help you is to join up with a group of moms whose kids play together. Maybe go to a park with your lunches and let the kids play while moms visit. One of the other moms could pick you up and take you there.

It would help you a lot, I believe, if you could spend time on a consistent basis with a group you could grow into talking with.  Do you attend a church? If not, could you research mom's groups in your area you could meet with. I know they have them in the town where I live.

You just have to get used to talking with other people, that's all. It will take time but you can get there.

Also, maybe you could work on getting your driver's license. Even if you have only one car, could your H teach you to drive? After you get it you could work on having the goal of buying another car.

 

[BaileyB]

I would be a lot like you. While I have my license, and I work with people... I have never enjoyed large groups and I am most definitely not the life of the party. If I’m being really honest, I have really enjoyed this pandemic year at home. I don’t really miss going to work or attending various social events. I’ve become very used to being home  - I’m not looking forward to getting back on the treadmill...

Thankfully, I’m with a man who is a similar personality. If anything, I’m the social person in this partnership.

Unfortunately for you, you and your husband are not particularly compatible on this one particular issue. I’m going to suggest that he probably knew this about you before he married you... I’m not sure why it’s suddenly bothering him. I would suggest that all you can do is try to meet in the middle... hopefully he can learn to appreciate the efforts you are making and he doesn’t mind attending the occasional social event on his own.

Edited March 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, jane said:

 I know i am the cause for the problems i am having in my marriage. my husband has kept quite about this for 11 years and i guess he couldn't ignore it anymore. i just feel like i am failing as a wife and as a parent , because any behaivour problems with the boys is my fault too , its my fault they like to be around us all the time , that they want attention all the time , he says i spoil them to much and  that i am not making concrete boundaries for them. If i don't keep on top of the house work , that is my fault too as i give too much attention to the boys and that has led to them not being able to ocuppy themselves so that i can do all the house work and make time for myself. he even says that i am over the top with the meals that i cook and that i need to prepare meals that are less time consuming.   its just so many things that he is not happy with, so many things that i could do better, like he says i need to help more on the property. i just feel so overwelmed , i cook , clean, have kids all the time . i try so hard with things , and i feel like i have to keep doing more and more , for him

This is the real reason why you are posting, right? 

Because really, who cares if you are loud at a family gathering? Sure, he may really want you to attend more social events but it’s not a requirement that you be the life of the party. If everyone was the life of the party, social gatherings would be a nightmare. He wants to do some activities together and he wants you to participate. That’s more reasonable. 

But this - this is what you are really concerned about.

I find it hard to believe that he complains about the fact that you spend too much time with your children and spend too much time cooking his meals? And - show me a woman (particularly one with children) who keeps on top of the housework!! I don’t know many... certainly not me. 

Forgive me, but I’m very leery of people who place the all the blame with their spouse because that just doesn’t seem particularly fair or reasonable. Let’s acknowledge the fact that you are raising your children and managing your home - those are big responsibilities and I think gratitude rather than criticism would go a long way for your husband... Don’t be so quick to devalue your work as a wife and a mother. And, don’t change who you are for your husband. Sure, you could attend the occasional social gathering with your husband but you don’t have to be the life of the party if that’s not who you are. 

Edited March 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[FMW]

I think the suggestions to ease yourself into more regular socialization, with other mothers if possible, is a really good idea.

I have to say though that my reaction to reading your post was feeling angry on your behalf.  It sounds like your husband is being unfairly harsh and critical.  As BaileyB noted, he knew who you were when you married (and he should absolutely be showing gratitude for your contribution to the family).  There is nothing wrong with being quiet or shy.  Criticizing you certainly isn't going to help you feel more comfortable about trying to be more outgoing, even if that's what you really want to do. 

He could help you by introducing you to people in the groups in which he wants to socialize.  In my experience there are usually people who are happy to sit more quietly and chat and get to know new people in a comfortable and gracious way.    As was pointed out, if everyone was boisterous and loud it would be chaos.  Your husband can make the rounds if he wants, but you don't have to be by his side all the time.    

Edited March 13, 2021 by FMW

[elaine567]

Sex.
How is your sex life?
 

[d0nnivain]

I don't have any answers for you on the work life balance front but if you want to overcome your shyness, there are two groups you can try:  Toastmasters which is more about effective public speaking but it helps with shyness & social awkwardness.  The other costs money:  take a Dale Carnegie class or something like it.  They teach you tricks to be better at social interaction.  You may never love it especially if you are an introvert, but you will learn how to be more at ease 

Two free things you can do is when you go to an event, offer to help.  Shy people often do better when they have a function or task.  Offer to help the host take the coats, refill the ice bucket or do the dishes.  Another technique is to ask a lot of Questions so the other people talk.  You just listen & they will think you are a great conversationalist 

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Sex.
How is your sex life?

Ya, lets hear about that!!! Thanks.

Your H likely has some other concerns..... Maybe he can't nail them down that is why he is bring up all the other reasons? I'm thinking your mobility is a big one. As your boys get older they will want to try different things. You live on acreage, 30 mins from town, and what would you do if one for your boys say broke his leg or arm say riding a bike? It happens, boys will be boys and sooner or later one of them will need to get fixed up at the doctors/hospital. What would happen is something happened to your H and he needed to be patched up? Your family comes second, for their sake get your DL. It could be a life saver for one of them!!!

For the most important or #1 is YOU!!!! Look after yourself. You can't look after anyone else if you are broken. If you need to walk 30mins a day, take make time for that walk. Shut the TV off, get up, dress the boys and take them on the walk with you. It will do them good to get out of the house also. One of my first employers use to say "The best exercise is pushing you chair away from the table". Is your H saying your meals are over the top because you have gained weight after having the boys? This is important, look after yourself. Your H is also looking at how you are looking after yourself, he is depending on you to look after the children. If you are not healthy it will be planting doubt in his mind about his choices.... Get fit, keep fit!!! It doesn't always have to be a walk but get away from the TV. This goes for both sexes, when we were young life was easy/easier, we naturally stayed fit, we were more active. As we age we slow down and life changes we trend to gain weight, this is a compounding effect that makes us lazier and gain more weight. Life is not fair. The human body is the only "machine" that will break down if not used. Look after YOU!!!!

I'm thinking your H doesn't want to tell you the real reason so he's picking on everything else.... (This tactic is used by both sexes.... You don't want to hurt the other one's feelings so you pick on everything but the real cause....) This is very counter productive.... Think back and try to remember what you were like when your H was dating you.... He was attracted to you (physically) and wanted to be with you.... He never wanted you to change, you did!!! Change back as close as you can to that person. It's not easy, you can not turn back time but it will be rewarding to reach your targets..... 

Note: H doesn't need to know you are on a fitness program. Surprise him with results. It will take time but your family depends on you. 

 

[SaraSays]

I think there are lots of reasons to be alarmed in this post.

I am really sorry someone is treating you this way. That should not be happening. Please have a think about that, whether a good partner would treat someone this way. He doesn't seem to have skills for communicating well, for compromising, nor does he show appreciation.

Your hubby seems intent on keeping his bachelor mindset. Was he ever a good partner? Did he ever help with the family's housework? How often does he cook for the family? How often does he take care of his kids on his own? How many nights out do you go on without him? How often does your hubby go to the supermarket to buy the groceries?

How did you come to be living in such an isolated way? That's really detrimental to mental health, and a big risk to women generally, a s the more isolated we are, the easier it is for men to mistreat us and for it to be hidden from view. I think, if you wish to stay with this man, you need to either move closer to other people, so you can  easily see other people if you go out for a walk, or get your driver's license and a car, so you can easily meet with others, or wander amongst strangers.

How often does your hubby thank you for all you do? 

For you, I would suggest to prepare quick and easy meals. Time-consuming meals can be prepared once in a while, but aren't necessary, and it doesn't make sense to spend extra time on meals, if you cannot find time to exercise or spend some time alone.

For you, I would suggest to  encourage your kids to be more independent. Teaching kids life skills involves teaching them to take care of themselves, of sitting comfortably when bored, of sharing space with others and not dominating situations. Try to encourage them to lose themselves in books for a few hours, which are wonderful for developing the imagination  and vocabulary.

If your hubby was thinking about "the team", as he should be, as a married man, he'd be asking what you both could do to make social situations more comfortable, what he could do to support you better both at home and when out and about with other people.

[jane]

18 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Sex.
How is your sex life?
 

Our sex life has been great. 3-4 times a week . Some times more if he works less. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by jane

[jane]

9 hours ago, SaraSays said:

I think there are lots of reasons to be alarmed in this post.

I am really sorry someone is treating you this way. That should not be happening. Please have a think about that, whether a good partner would treat someone this way. He doesn't seem to have skills for communicating well, for compromising, nor does he show appreciation.

Your hubby seems intent on keeping his bachelor mindset. Was he ever a good partner? Did he ever help with the family's housework? How often does he cook for the family? How often does he take care of his kids on his own? How many nights out do you go on without him? How often does your hubby go to the supermarket to buy the groceries?

How did you come to be living in such an isolated way? That's really detrimental to mental health, and a big risk to women generally, a s the more isolated we are, the easier it is for men to mistreat us and for it to be hidden from view. I think, if you wish to stay with this man, you need to either move closer to other people, so you can  easily see other people if you go out for a walk, or get your driver's license and a car, so you can easily meet with others, or wander amongst strangers.

How often does your hubby thank you for all you do? 

For you, I would suggest to prepare quick and easy meals. Time-consuming meals can be prepared once in a while, but aren't necessary, and it doesn't make sense to spend extra time on meals, if you cannot find time to exercise or spend some time alone.

For you, I would suggest to  encourage your kids to be more independent. Teaching kids life skills involves teaching them to take care of themselves, of sitting comfortably when bored, of sharing space with others and not dominating situations. Try to encourage them to lose themselves in books for a few hours, which are wonderful for developing the imagination  and vocabulary.

If your hubby was thinking about "the team", as he should be, as a married man, he'd be asking what you both could do to make social situations more comfortable, what he could do to support you better both at home and when out and about with other people.

I have been working on getting my licence , i am close to having it.  So that will be great.

Well I'm not  super skinny the way that I was before kids but I have put on some weight. I do take the boys with me on walks , I have asked my hubby if he could have the boys so I could join a gym or go walking with a friend but he is not keen on that . He says I could walk on our property or that there is no need to go to a gym or go walking beyond the property. He

Before kids , I would walk for an hour or so everyday , I miss that. Head phones and listen to music. Or a chat with a friend while going for a long walk.

 

He is quite traditional and doesn't do much inside the home. In the last 7 years , I have only had one night out , just drinks at a friend's house , I had to put my boys to sleep before leaving and come back home early in the morning so that my hubby could go to work. 

 

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by jane

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, jane said:

He is quite traditional and doesn't do much inside the home. In the last 7 years , I have only had one night out , just drinks at a friend's house , I had to put my boys to sleep before leaving and come back home early in the morning so that my hubby could go to work. 

Well this is problematic.  He's complaining that you're not social, but doesn't allow you to be social.   If one stays isolated long enough, their social skills will become stagnant.  And it's not out of the question that anxiety would rise because you're so out of practice.  

[spiderowl]

I doubt your shyness is the problem, except insofar as it is preventing you from getting the support of others.

I agree that getting your driving licence is important; you will then be able to choose who you want to socialise with.

My feeling is that your husband may be looking at straying.  Why would be suddenly start to criticise you?  He has shot himself in the foot by not allowing you to be social in the way you want to be, so he can't use the excuse that it is your fault.  I think he may be comparing you with someone.

Quite honestly, I doubt you need to change.  You are an introvert and struggle with socialising.  When you have your licence and can get out more, you will probably find socialising a bit easier.  It is usually better if you are part of a group and you know the other people.  This would be a group you have chosen not your husband - maybe a group that share a hobby.

Do not be pressured by your husband into thinking there is something seriously wrong with you.  He sounds ungrateful and grumpy.  You look after the children and cook for him; he could be appreciative rather than critical.

It may be that you need to encourage your children to be a bit more self-reliant.  Finding friends they can spend time with will do this.  It is very easy to become too reliant on children being there and forget they are growing up and need to gain independence.  I mention this so that you can take steps to enhance their independence and gain some freedom yourself.

There is nothing wrong with you.  You do, however, have a rather critical husband.

[Fletch Lives]

Well listen, you are a busy homemaker, staying home and taking care of your kids. I don't know of a more important job in the world.

 

And the great dinners are something special I'm sure.

 

It sounds to me like your husband does not appreciate you.

 

If he keeps giving you a hard time, cut off sex - let's see what he thinks about that.

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

My feeling is that your husband may be looking at straying

I agree and none of the reasons I asked the OP about her sex life.

jane
He may have a crush on or even be involved with a woman who is outgoing and sociable, so comes home and bashes you about it.
I highly doubt he is getting all upset about your core personality.
Something is annoying/upsetting him and he is taking his ill temper out on you.
My guess you could turn into a fantastic hostess and socialite and he would still be moaning about something.
Maybe he feels trapped...

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He may have a crush on or even be involved with a woman who is outgoing and sociable, so comes home and bashes you about it.
I highly doubt he is getting all upset about your core personality.

This is what came to my mind as well. 

I have to wonder if he's suddenly stacking you up against someone specific. 

[d0nnivain]

Reading through all this one other option came to my mind, if we can get past him intentionally isolating you,  ask him if the two of you can host more social events.  You will most likely be more confident in your own home & you will be too busy being the hostess to be shy around people.  He may be required to help a bit more than he presently does but he's the one who wants a more social life so it should be a win-win.  If he balks at you two hosting I would take a much closer look at whether his claim that your shyness is the problem is true or is it just an excuse.  

[jane]

We have hosted a number of BBQs at our house in the last few months and it all went well. Plus we have also gone to other people's houses for social events.That is another reason why I was so shocked that my hubby said that I am trying to hold him back socially.

Idn why he can be so critical of me. Honestly it is emotionally draining trying to make him happy.

We went travelling in a caravan for a few months before settling back into a house. He even still makes jokes that he didn't realise how many single females  travel and that he could have easily been a single nomad if he never got married.i joked back , well don't let me stop you , if you really want to do it , go do it" Then he said "no I love my wife too much".  That conversation happened yesterday.

Maybe these comments are right and he is itching to be with someone new ? Idn. 

 

 

 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, jane said:

Idn why he can be so critical of me. Honestly it is emotionally draining trying to make him happy.

In what other ways is he critical of you?   I'm a bit worried for you.

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, jane said:

Idn why he can be so critical of me. Honestly it is emotionally draining trying to make him happy.

 

Has he always been critical, or is this a more recent thing? 

And, I’m curious to know who’s idea it was to buy the property and live on the acreage?

Edited March 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[jane]

It's always been a dream of both of ours to live on an acerage.

He has always been a bit critical. 

[SaraSays]

I am sorry you're being treated  this way @jane. Did he ever share in taking care of the kids? Was there ever a period of time where he helped with cooking the family's meals? How often does he wash the family's clothes? How were things before you had kids, pertaining to him sharing the load in the home?

How often does he say thank you for things you do?

Could you imagine informing him you're going out for an hour, and leaving him to take care of his kids?

Could you imagine putting your kids into a play group a couple of days a week so you could consider getting a part-time job so you'd have a little pocket money and independence, not to mention social contact away from your hubby and kids?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

It pains me to read your story.  You seem like a great mom, wife, partner and all around good person!  
I am not going to say you should leave your hubby or play any games or do anything to undermine your marriage.

But there is a fine line between being stepped on and giving in for the greater good of the marriage.

You are a giver and you give yourself wholly to those you love.  That is a sacrifice that you happily make.  I know this life very well.

But what I learned is by giving too much, I lost my identity.  I know now that it is very important for two individuals to maintain their own identities.  This allows for some push and pull which is satisfying for both partners.  If it is all pull from one side and all pull from another, eventually you fall off the edge of the world.  Gets BORING and things just are tolerated.

Your hubby has lost respect for you because you are not asserting yourself and talking about your needs. 
 

You say that your husband is very traditional but does that mean you need to “ask” for permission to do things?  
 

Think about what little steps you need to make in order to be more independent.  The license thing is huge.  
What other things can you start to do that feeds you?  Makes you more confident?  
Once you find yourself and your voice again, your hubby may be happy to get back the person he fell in love with instead of a shell of person.

I know he has been critical but you have allowed it by not telling him it is not ok to do it.  So it continues and gets worse over time.  Your boys will also eventually pick up on this disrespect and start talking to you in the same way.   I’ve seen it lived it.
Fight for your marriage by fighting for you.  That is my message.  Hope this makes sense.  

 

 

[MsJayne]

16 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I agree and none of the reasons I asked the OP about her sex life.

jane
He may have a crush on or even be involved with a woman who is outgoing and sociable, so comes home and bashes you about it.
I highly doubt he is getting all upset about your core personality.
Something is annoying/upsetting him and he is taking his ill temper out on you.
My guess you could turn into a fantastic hostess and socialite and he would still be moaning about something.
Maybe he feels trapped...

This was how I also interpreted your post, Jane. A person who suddenly starts finding fault with a spouse, especially pulling apart your personality and making a big deal over something that has never previously bothered him, is possibly paving the way for the announcement that he wants to separate or just that he wants more freedom to socialise without you. Another possibility is that your shyness has always bothered him and he's been confiding in someone who's been telling him to discuss his dissatisfaction with you. Though, as you say,  he knew you were quiet when he married you. Could it be a mid-life crisis or has he always been a nitpicker? Is he a good looking man? Has he recently come into contact with someone new? Is he making more of an effort with his appearance?  Whatever his reasons, he's being very unkind because you obviously struggle with significant social anxiety, and being criticised by your partner is only going to make it worse for you.  Considering that he works full time, so I assume gets interaction with other people at work, and also has his boys night one night a week, you're hardly "keeping him to yourself".  Aside from that, if he was single would he be constantly whooping it up, with everyone clamouring for his company? 

He sounds like a very self-centered and arrogant man, so perhaps once you get that drivers license you should use it to drive yourself to a new life that doesn't have Mr Nitpicker in it. 

[d0nnivain]

His comments in your last conversation definitely reek of a man itching to sow wild oats.  You need to keep talking about that.  Right now his mind's eye seems to be wandering & he's looking for reasons to blame you for the demise of your marriage.  There are deep seated issues here & you aren't causing them.  

Would he go to MC?  It sounds like he needs to open up about what he's really feeling & thinking.