Honestly, is it possible to love someone and cheat on them?

[snowcones]

I really would like to know.  What say you?

[FMW]

Not everyone defines love in the same way.  

I've known people who cheated on their spouse but still claimed to love them.  One of them is my ex-husband.  He said he never stopped loving me or being attracted to me, I just wasn't giving him love and attention in the way he wanted.  Honestly I can see his point about me, but my feeling has always been he should have  just divorced me when it became clear things weren't going to get better for us. 

My personal view is that I don't want the kind of love that allows the ability to cheat, so for my definition of love, the answer would be no.  But again - not everyone sees it the same way.  That's kind of a scary thing to realize.    

[Alpacalia]

Does it really matter? When infidelity occurs most relationships are basically finito.

[snowcones]

10 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Does it really matter? When infidelity occurs most relationships are basically finito.

If by "finito" you mean, they end, then I disagree.  Most people stay together after infidelity.  As someone said above, some cheaters claim to still love their spouse/partner, which is why I asked the question.  Is it possible to really love someone and cheat on them?

[central]

I'd say yes.  This has been researched.  In many cases, the wayward spouse does love their partner.

My wife and I have been swingers, and have had an open or poly relationship (intermittently) for over 20 years.  We've both had sex with dozens of other people, and even loved other people.  Yet we have always loved each other.  The only difference is that we give each other permission, and don't stigmatize extra-dyadic sex as a negative.

[elaine567]

45 minutes ago, snowcones said:

If by "finito" you mean, they end, then I disagree.  Most people stay together after infidelity. 

Just because they stay together does not mean their relationship is not "finito".
People stay for lots of reasons, some of them have nothing to do with the relationship or love.

[snowcones]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Just because they stay together does not mean their relationship is not "finito".
People stay for lots of reasons, some of them have nothing to do with the relationship or love.

Okay. 

I'm still asking the question I posed.

[elaine567]

As for the question you posed, it depends on the person and the circumstances.
 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

As for the question you posed, it depends on the person and the circumstances.
 

I think this is very true. 

I suppose it’s possible to love someone and cheat on that person. 

But, the flip side of that coin... If I was the person who was betrayed, I would say that cheating is a very unloving act. I would find it difficult to stay and love someone who has done something that is hurtful to me - that’s not love, in my opinion. 

Edited March 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[neowulf]

17 hours ago, snowcones said:

I really would like to know.  What say you?

Is it possible to love someone, yet constantly get drunk and beat them up? Only to wake up feeling like a monster?
It is possible to have a crippling drug addiction take over your life, leading you to steal from the people you "love"?
Or to let gambling drive you into the ground and destroy the financial security of your family?

In a perfect world, people would always be in control of themselves.  They'd never make mistakes, never let their emotions get the better of them.

We don't live in that world.

In this world, humans are frail.  We screw up.  We behave in ways that run completely counter to who and what we think we are.

I think cheating can absolutely occur in a callous fashion.  You see this in cases where a person cheats over and over again, despite being caught.
I believe in those cases that no, they can't claim to love the people they're cheating on.  Not really.

But it's far more common to have those one off cases, where people simply screw up.  They allow their feelings to get the better of them.
They make bad judgements. 

And, more often than not, they pay the price.

 

Edited March 13, 2021 by neowulf

[Miss Spider]

Depends on what you mean by love 

[snowcones]

By love I mean real love.  The way everybody wants to be loved.

[neowulf]

14 minutes ago, snowcones said:

By love I mean real love.  The way everybody wants to be loved.

Love is often complicated and imperfect.

Edited March 13, 2021 by neowulf

[Miss Spider]

You won’t really get any meaningful answers because people see their love for someone in all different ways. But I’m compelled to say  that the answer is “yes”, because  our feelings are fluid and people are flawed, people can  have a strong feeling of attachment towards someone and want to do right by them always, but then have a moment where their morals fail them. But if you are saying that love is an unconditional selflessness that would NEVER under any circumstance betray the person... then no. It’s propositional. That’s my answer 

Edited March 13, 2021 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, snowcones said:

By love I mean real love.  The way everybody wants to be loved.

I’d say yes, people can cheat and still love their partner. Most people don’t plan on getting caught. I think having a full blown affair / second relationship might be a different story, but even then it might depend on how the person defines love. I loved most of my exes but they’re still all exes. Can you leave someone you love? Can you hurt someone you love? Can you lie to someone you love? 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, snowcones said:

By love I mean real love.  The way everybody wants to be loved.

I'm not sure everyone wants to be loved in the same way. For example a kinky BDSM couple vs. a swinger couple vs. a "throuple" vs. "conservative churchgoers". "Love languages" and attachment styles, etc.

Anyhow, here's one way to look at this (from the emotional perspective):

Three types of love that align to different brain systems and states: "new love"/new relationship energy vs. "familial" LTR love vs. limerence (similar to an addiction and associated with dysfunctional situations).

A person could, e.g. have limerence for an ex partner who left them, but start a new relationship and stick with it/never go back to the old partner. They might still have limerence for "the one who got away" but enjoy NRE new love and eventually familial LTR love with the second partner. There would be a period of overlap where they "loved" both when the limerence hadn't fully faded yet.

A person could be in a LTR and have "familial" love for their partner, but develop limerence e.g. for a co-worker or some other acquaintance but never act on it or tell anyone about it. So from that perspective they "love" both people, one of them secretly/one-sidedly.

WRT affairs, a person could be in a LTR and have "familial" love and feel they genuinely love their partner in that way, but "slip into" new love/NRE via a friendship that escalates or simply decide "that's not enough" for them for a variety of reasons and start an affair where NRE/new love comes into play. So from that perspective they love both partners, but in different ways.

I suspect that with a long term "throuple," if asked all 3 would say they loved both of the other partners (meaning in the LTR way).

I don't think this is possible for everyone, because there seem to be some true LT monogamists out there. But these sorts of permutations appear possible for many if not most people, and indeed we hear about them all the time.

[lana-banana]

Yes, I think so, even if most of us (myself included) would argue that kind of love is selfish and immature. So many people compartmentalize their behaviors that affairs/cheating/etc are just a matter of entertainment and thrill-seeking. A lot of men on this site describe their affairs not as a matter of wanting someone else, but wanting something more---easy fun and excitement in addition to their wife, who they still adore and love. They don't think of the cheating as harming their partner; they may not be thinking of their partner at all. They're just trying to satisfy their own needs.

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, snowcones said:

By love I mean real love.  The way everybody wants to be loved.

No

[Soul-shards]

22 hours ago, snowcones said:

I really would like to know.  What say you?

Yes

Edited March 14, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed off-topic content

[Fletch Lives]

Unfortunately, yes. Love and integrity are two separate things.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Unfortunately, yes. Love and integrity are two separate things.

I was going to say something like this. 

[snowcones]

I guess I'm one of the only ones who think No....

[primer]

9 minutes ago, snowcones said:

I guess I'm one of the only ones who think No....

I'm with you. I would not cheat on someone I love, someone that thinks I am faithful and committed.

 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, snowcones said:

I guess I'm one of the only ones who think No....

You are not the only one.

Count me in the number.

 

Edited March 14, 2021 by Uruktopi

[neowulf]

4 hours ago, snowcones said:

I guess I'm one of the only ones who think No....

You're entitled to your thoughts on this.

All you're going to get here are other perspectives.
  
You'll find a lot of people here who've lived through a lot of different experiences.
Some people appear to live very cut and dry lives.  That's doesn't hold true for everyone. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by neowulf