siren8272 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 So my mother gets very angry when my STEP cousin(my stepdads niece) who grew up poor, went to college , went to Grad school , left our small town for New York and works as an epidemiologist (shes helped to make the Vaccines) Well I learned long ago not to bring my cousin up because for some reason my mom goes into a RAGE about her. My cousin makes post about how her immediate family tried to hold her back by discouraging her move to NYC and her going to Harvard University. She often comes back to the town to tell the kids they can do it too with hard work. My issue is when other people bring up my step cousin my mom goes nuts. She in turn rages at me if im around when this happens. I try to descalate the situation and change the subject, but she just gets angrier. I often end up just taking her home early and doing a night of self care. So what can I do to stop this rage when she hears my stepcousins name? Should I directly tell the person" we dont want to discuss this" or " (insert cousins name) is doing well and escort my mom away(if she would come once she refused and proceeded to rage). I dont know what the issue is with my cousin shes younger than I am (age 39) my mom is in her 70s so I dont know what she could have done to make her behave this way. She has no issue with my cousins mom she talks to her constantly. What do I do when my cousin's name comes up? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 (edited) Oh no, your mother is at it again? My best advice is to not engage with any of it. Don't play peace maker with either side and don't direct anyone's talk. If they look at you, just hold your hands up and say "don't bring me into this!" From what you've written over the years, your mother has always been a nutjob and your family should know what to expect when they visit. And if this happens and it's not at your house, you have every right to excuse yourself and go home. Leave them to it. Also, if you know company is coming and it's likely to set your mom off, find an excuse to not attend. Or tell your family you'd be happy to catch up, but not when your mom is there. Edited March 13, 2021 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 Does your mother have neurocognitive or psychiatric issues? Has she been evaluated for dementia? Does she have other health problems? Wild moods and rants could be early symptoms of Alzheimer's or other types of dementia. Unfortunately some seniors may also have hidden substance abuse or dependence on pain or anxiety medications. Don't engage this drama or discuss petty jealousies or backhanded jabs. Ask your mother about her health, medications, doctor appointments, etc. Something's up in addition to chronic mother daughter conflicts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 I would definitely cut off anybody who alludes to the cousin but perhaps ask either your step-dad or the cousin herself why mom is so triggered by this. Once you know that answer perhaps you can also say something like "Mom, I know [cousin] upsets you but you gotta stop taking it out on me. Whatever your issue with her, I didn't cause it & I don't deserve to be your emotional punching bag over it." Personally if my mother treated me like that [& my mother did different things to emotionally abuse me] I would just leave her where-ever she was pitching a fit. I did that more than once in my life. Eventually my mother learned to stop because I stood up for myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
primer Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 Ask your mom what it is about your step-cousin that makes her so upset. Bring it to her attention how obvious it is. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Do you live with your mom? You cannot stop her rage. The way you need to deal with it is, every time she starts acting like this, you leave. And tell her in advance, at a time when she is calm, that every time she acts like this you will leave. End of story. Don't engage with it, don't try to de-escalate. Just remove yourself from the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siren8272 Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 11 hours ago, primer said: Ask your mom what it is about your step-cousin that makes her so upset. Bring it to her attention how obvious it is. Ok i did some digging and asked my mentor because although i work in mental health it hasnt been that long I am still learning. My Mentor asked about my childhood I told her how strict and overbearing my mom was when I was growing up. I also talked about her keeping me from working when I graduated college and when I did work her coming to my job(if you want that background search my name ALL of the history regarding me is up). As we talked I remembered as a child how upset she would be when I would say I wanted to live in NYC when I grew up. Once she screamed at me 30 mins because i told a friend of hers this when she asked what I wanted to do as an adult. WHen I mentioned this to my mentor she said that my mom is controlling and my cousin represents the antithesis of how she feels is the "right way" to live life. My mom didnt live on her own until she got married(typical for her time) and when she divorced she stayed in an apt but then according to her "The Lord told me to leave this apartment and move in with your grandma because i was in sin" AKA being intimate with her then BF. Once she moved in with grandma she never left until she married my stepdad. So my mentor thinks that my mom is jealous of my cousin's independent spirit(she suspects my mom has issues living life alone) and her success. I also believe my mom is jealous of my cousin's success in life because she feels she doesnt deserve it(my cousin has a troubled childhood and she always railed against authority , but with counseling shes much better)it. My mom feels because my cousin disobeyed authority dared to move far from home shes angry she hasnt failed in life. I have tried in the past to get a straight answer and I cannot because she just rages saying im taking her side. Oh and my cousin is gay so theres some homophobia in there too im thinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siren8272 Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 4 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Do you live with your mom? You cannot stop her rage. The way you need to deal with it is, every time she starts acting like this, you leave. And tell her in advance, at a time when she is calm, that every time she acts like this you will leave. End of story. Don't engage with it, don't try to de-escalate. Just remove yourself from the situation. I leave and go to my grandpas house ....he says she'd be happier if she just drank a beer and smoked HA! Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 @siren8272 So you do live with your mom? Is there a way that you could move out and away from all this mess? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Your mentor's theory sounds plausible. If that is the case that your mother is jealous & homophobic, let all of rants fall on deaf ears. Just don't listen & walk away when she gets like this. You know she's being irrational. You will never get her to sea reason so don't waste your time trying. Let her make a fool of herself & wash your hands of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author siren8272 Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 15 hours ago, basil67 said: @siren8272 So you do live with your mom? Is there a way that you could move out and away from all this mess? Yes I moved back in after my mom had a blood clot (go look at my past post a lot has happened since i was TwinkletOes lol)...shes not as mobile as she was and I think its impacted her short term memory a lil bit(might be age related too) ....She is mostly pleasant (as I stated in the past I think 10 yrs low contact caused her to straighten up) This is the only thing she gets ragey about here lately.....I also think shes also projecting her feelings about my stepdad on my cousin as well(hes as ive stated in the past a useless , lazy , unmotivated bum hes so lazy he wont get the generator out when the power dies).. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 On 3/13/2021 at 1:32 AM, siren8272 said: So what can I do to stop this rage when she hears my stepcousins name? Nothing. Distance yourself from your mother as much as you can and wait for it to pass... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 18 hours ago, siren8272 said: he says she'd be happier if she just drank a beer and smoked HA! Your grandpa is a wise man with a good sense of humour... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 Like someone else suggested, just tell her (when she is calm) that when she rages and becomes unreasonable, you are going to walk away because you do not have to subject yourself to that behavior. Good for your cousin for getting away from her childhood and making a success of herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Time for you to get real about your mom. Your mom is a frustrating, difficult non-nurturing person. You can pretend this isn't the case, but you're going to suffer if you do. Time to come out of denial. You KNOW the answer to this question. Step up and show some confidence. Your mom is troubled. And she's not encouraging, and she doesn't take pride in the accomplishments of young family members. She is not constructive. What else do you need to know? Sounds like you might need to get to therapy to come out of denial on all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author siren8272 Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Time for you to get real about your mom. Your mom is a frustrating, difficult non-nurturing person. You can pretend this isn't the case, but you're going to suffer if you do. Time to come out of denial. You KNOW the answer to this question. Step up and show some confidence. Your mom is troubled. And she's not encouraging, and she doesn't take pride in the accomplishments of young family members. She is not constructive. What else do you need to know? Sounds like you might need to get to therapy to come out of denial on all this. I beg you to look up my past post even the ones from when i was TwinkletOes26 I assure you i am in anything but denial regarding my mom. I just wanted to navigate this issue with peace and little headache. I am in the middle of a dissertation so I dont need anymore stress... Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 (edited) I feel for you. This is hard, and sorry if I didn't acknowledge how ridiculously difficult your situation is. It is. And it's a horrible situation that you have to revert to self care (smart move!!!!) just based on mom's reactions to the simple mention of another person, another person whose life seems quite admirable and successful and good in a lot of ways. There is no way to "navigate" this as in to smooth over the issue when your mom (and I know she's got great qualities--all our moms do) is so angrily rigidly and resentfully committed to her position. Her reaction is not superficial or something one can talk her out of. The only way to "navigate" is for you to stand up--calmly so or you'll get triggered-- for your own views. I had to do this when one of my parents was really harsh to a relative. unduly harsh. I finally got the courage to raise my objections. I kinda copped out because I made my case based on how uncomfortable I felt when my parent was negging on a relative. The way to speak your own views is to NOT try to persuade mom. Don't. Instead, just calmly speak your own truth. "I like X and feel very proud of X." You say this in almost a happy voice. The point is not to fight mom, but to add your truth to the conversation. What you're doing now is managing someone who is out of control. That's totally unfair to you. Way unfair to you. And I said come out of denial because mom's behavior will have lasting negative consequences on you if you don't start treating her (a bit) as a damaging person. There are damaging people in the world and some of them are our relatives and some are our parents. Here's another tip: use some humor. "Oh mom just loves X and all that X has accomplished." "Don't you guys love the way hides her opinions?" Humor puts some distance between us and the situation. It's a way of inserting our voice and our perspective. The best long term solution, it seems to me, would be for you to move away from mom as soon as you can. Is moving a possibility? Edited March 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
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