From love affair to situationship.

[Sara2021]

Hi, I'm looking for some outside advice, help, just anything to help me and my sanity with the situation I've allowed myself to get into. I'll give you some background: In 2017 I met a man outside my unhappy marraige. I had planned to seperate from my husband as we were unhappy for a longtime but our young niece passed away the same year and so I couldn't leave him as he was distraught.

In 2018 we had the conversation and we seprated, this man was still in mine, we talked on the phone everyday. He was also married with x2 kids. Our affair was very emotional aswell as physical. He made out he was also unhappy in his marraige and been trying to leave years before he met me but claims she trapped him with getting pregnant, not a nice thing to say I know but it's what was said.

Months passed well into 2019 he made out they were sleeping in seperate rooms, he was supposed to be moving into his friends empty house etc...this didn't happen and summer of 2019 he told me he wanted to be friends...I was broken...

I found out through social media life was normal for him, pics of him & his wife out wining & dining with friends, I felt an angry hurt fool and I told a few people about our affair knowing it would become public and yes his wife found out (then...I did not care...now I do feel very bad about my actions) She contacted me, I gave her the details but they still stayed together.

1 month passed, my dad died unexpectedly and this man was in contact with me when he heard the news. He'd met my dad, he met my whole family, thats how serious I thought he was about me.

Anyway from then round x2 affair began, again him promising me he was leaving her. I'd moved town, he visited when he could but then told me him & his wife were going away for the week as she wanted to try again...I took it on the chin, didn't make a scene as I was still too broken from the 1st time he hurt me & dealing with dad's death. I let him go.

I was on a night out with friends whilst he was away but then bumped into him...he said they returned from the trip early as they had fallen out and he is defo leaving... He claimed they have agreed to separate but after Christmas...but they were still going to his friends wedding together...I just found this odd, he's declaring his love for me, leaving his wife but still carrying on as normal...

I know this sounds bizzar as I'm writing it and I feel so silly but I'll keep going. 23rd Dec 2019 she must've seen something in his phone, my contact or a message and she contacted me accusing him of leaving her for me, so I knew him leaving must've been true. Since I caused the hurt by making the affair public the first time I didnt want to make things worse so I asked her to meet and talk.

My plan was to tell her we had been in contact again but he wasn't leaving her for me, he was doing it for himself and he loves her and the kids very much...that was my plan but she didn't let me get a word in and quite rightly so she deserved to jump down my throat but then said they did agree to seprate but decided just the day before to try again.

Again I was left hurt, no more anger just disappointed with myself. Me and her exchanged a few messages spoke on the phone, her asking me to try meet him and if he'd agreed she wanted me to call her so she could catch him out...like she needed to see it to believe it but this man was also a client through my work so I didn't want to make matters worse so I didn't get involved I just left it 2 weeks and then mid January 2020 I contacted him about the contract which he then wiped from my feet...this made me angry as I thought you've played with my head & heart...and now my career!

So I contacted his boss...I kept it professional and questioned pulling the contract...to be told there was nothing on the system...it was all a lie. Him inviting me to site visits etc all a lie. So because I contacted his work which I imagine would've raised eyebrows and questions about him making up this contract...this resulting in this man & his wife contacting the police who pulled me into the station to accuse me off harrasing this man...her husband! I was so shocked, beaten down.

They quizzed me on harrasing him since 2017 but were not open to see messages, dates, pics, songs and stuff he'd been sending me to prove I wasn't harrasing him. 2 months passed, I was in therapy to deal with it all but I was also building myself back up. I'm a full time store manager, mummy, carer for my mum and I put the rest of my time and focus on starting my own fitness classes...I was doing good.

March 2020 came, his truck was outside my shop, he must've saw me through the window and the shop phone rang. He was blocked on my phone so that's maybe why he came to see if I was in and called the shop. He said he missed me and heard about what I'd been upto my new business etc.

We spoke a few more weeks...apparently the police incident was all her idea etc, my guards were up to believe anything he said but still I gave him the time of day. End of March we were in lockdown, he still called me everyday, messaged me songs still and video called me. Once again he told me he was leaving...

June 2020 he called to say he's going to be moving into his friends spare room along the road from where I stayed. He actually did it, he moved out. I was still unsure tho if it was him leaving or she kicked him out as when I met her she spun the story to be it was her asking him to leave for years but then she took him back everytime when finding out we were still seeing each other so I find it hard to believe she'd try kick him out but allow him to stay after the affair. Anyway he moves out, we start seeing each other but I notice he's spending lots of time at his ex house. I know its to see the kids but he's there till 12 midnight.

My gut feeling was they've maybe seperated but prob still trying again...he can't seem to let go of me after 3 years there's prob no way he can let go of her after 20...I do get it. I struggled too much with it, didn't want to be the b**** who said anything about him spending too much time with his kids at his ex house so soon after the split, so I walked away, wished him well.

About a month later I bumped into him in the carpark at the shops, we spoke, it was a nice chat. He was still living with his mate. We began spending time together again, we took a trip up north scotland,was a great few months.

Then Christmas comes, he tells me he's spending it at the house with her and the kids, I accepted it was the right thing to do but then to hear his whole family and hers is going too...I found this soooo odd because apparently he caused so much hate and hurt in the family for leaving her because he had an affair but all of a sudden the families are all ok to spend Christmas together...then new year comes and the same story!

January was tough as my feelings for him started to weaken but continued to spend time. He then tells me his dads 60th will be at his ex house, again another big family party and his mums 60th end of March... Ofcourse he's not told her he's still seeing me but...

Is it just me being really stupid here or is this normal. He left his family because he wasn't happy, he had an affair, she knows about it, the whole family does but occasions are spent not just him, her and the kids, but both families...

He's moved out but apart from a Wednesday and a Saturday night at mine, he's at hers till midnight then back to the flat...seems daft if they're getting on so well he's paying £260 monthly rent to sleep on a bed 6 hours a night as he's hardly in the flat...the flat exists as I have been in it.

Can someone please offer advice support on if this is normal or weird. As much as you are all entitled to your opinion and I do believe in freedom of speech...I don't need your hate comments on me being a homewrecker... I know I have caused alot of pain and hurt to innocent others by falling in love with a married man.

He says once he has his own place he'll not be spending as much time they're and then it will be the right time to tell her about us but somehow I don't believe it. He's delaying looking for a place, his friend offered him a brand new home he renovated, he was in no rush to get back to him. I've helped him with links to rentals etc.

Should I walk away. My gut feeling says yes, my head is confused but my heart says give it time. Please help x

Edited March 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Wall of text

[d0nnivain]

What I garnered was you cheated on your husband since 2017 with a MM but haven't divorced because 1st your niece then your father died.  My condolences on your losses. 

Throughout that time your MM lied to you & told you things with his wife were awful.  In fact they were great but he just wanted a sidepiece.  You dumped him when you found out & then you made sure his wife found out.  She took him back anyway but you started up with him after your dad died.  Now here you are all these years later & while he moved out, he still spends most of his time with his wife, not you.  

I don't know where your husband is in all of this, but you need to cut that poor guy lose.  He doesn't deserve this.  Fix your own house.  Whether you want to continue debasing yourself with some MM who cares more about his wife then you is entirely up to you but I recommend you find your self esteem & your morals.  

Edited March 13, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Off topic

[Sara2021]

Hi, thanks for your reply. I seperated from my husband in 2018. We both get on amazingly for our child but I don't spend time with my ex the way my MM does his ex.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to read & reply to my post.

 

Thankyou x

 

[d0nnivain]

Oh good.  That is a positive step.  

Now you know this MM isn't treating you well.   Even if he wasn't a liar & a cheater, he is still stringing you along.  Take the ethics out of it.  If he isn't being a good partner, there is no use hanging on.   Yeah, yeah, I know you "love" him but he doesn't love you, at least not as much as he loves his wife.  So love yourself & get out of this mess.  As a divorced woman, you are free to go find a good relationship.  

[Sara2021]

Thankyou.

I've been going round in circles these past couple months dealing with an overwhelming feeling to tell him its over but when O try to talk about it he makes me out to be ridiculous when I tell him I don't agree or like how much time he spends at the house or how the family occasions of partying still continue like normal.

The past 2 days I've been quiet. I haven't answered his calls and he's txt me to say he's felt I've been distant is everything OK...I can't bring myself to txt him back and get into it and made to feel the bad person.

He always points out my seperation was different to his, him and his wife are really good friends etc which wasn't the case for my ex and I so soon after we split...

I just find it hard to swallow that he left her after cheating and now all of a sudden they are best of friends.

 

I know what I should do I just don't know what to say to him anymore.

 

Thanks again x

[BaileyB]

How do you trust a man who has proven himself to be untrustworthy? 

He can gone back and forth so many times, I don’t know how you could ever trust that he would leave and not go back. I wouldn’t. 

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to say anything other than "We're done.  Good bye."  You don't owe him anything.  You managed to divorce.  That was much harder & more complicated then breaking up.   When you want to do this, when you are ready, you will.  For whatever reason you just can't cross the finish line although you know you must.  

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Sara2021 said:

I just find it hard to swallow that he left her after cheating and now all of a sudden they are best of friends.

Screaming and calling the police didn’t seem to achieve the result she wanted... it appears that she is trying a different strategy now. 

I think that this man is at high risk for returning home to his wife and children. It’s likely only a matter of time. After all, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior... 

Edited March 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You don't have to say anything other than "We're done.  Good bye." 

I would simply say, “I’ve decided this is not what I want for my life. Best wishes.”

[NYAG]

5 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

Hi, I'm looking for some outside advice, help, just anything to help me and my sanity with the situation I've allowed myself to get into. I'll give you some background: In 2017 I met a man outside my unhappy marraige. I had planned to seperate from my husband as we were unhappy for a longtime but our young niece passed away the same year and so I couldn't leave him as he was distraught.

In 2018 we had the conversation and we seprated, this man was still in mine, we talked on the phone everyday. He was also married with x2 kids. Our affair was very emotional aswell as physical. He made out he was also unhappy in his marraige and been trying to leave years before he met me but claims she trapped him with getting pregnant, not a nice thing to say I know but it's what was said.

Months passed well into 2019 he made out they were sleeping in seperate rooms, he was supposed to be moving into his friends empty house etc...this didn't happen and summer of 2019 he told me he wanted to be friends...I was broken...

I found out through social media life was normal for him, pics of him & his wife out wining & dining with friends, I felt an angry hurt fool and I told a few people about our affair knowing it would become public and yes his wife found out (then...I did not care...now I do feel very bad about my actions) She contacted me, I gave her the details but they still stayed together.

1 month passed, my dad died unexpectedly and this man was in contact with me when he heard the news. He'd met my dad, he met my whole family, thats how serious I thought he was about me.

Anyway from then round x2 affair began, again him promising me he was leaving her. I'd moved town, he visited when he could but then told me him & his wife were going away for the week as she wanted to try again...I took it on the chin, didn't make a scene as I was still too broken from the 1st time he hurt me & dealing with dad's death. I let him go.

I was on a night out with friends whilst he was away but then bumped into him...he said they returned from the trip early as they had fallen out and he is defo leaving... He claimed they have agreed to separate but after Christmas...but they were still going to his friends wedding together...I just found this odd, he's declaring his love for me, leaving his wife but still carrying on as normal...

I know this sounds bizzar as I'm writing it and I feel so silly but I'll keep going. 23rd Dec 2019 she must've seen something in his phone, my contact or a message and she contacted me accusing him of leaving her for me, so I knew him leaving must've been true. Since I caused the hurt by making the affair public the first time I didnt want to make things worse so I asked her to meet and talk.

My plan was to tell her we had been in contact again but he wasn't leaving her for me, he was doing it for himself and he loves her and the kids very much...that was my plan but she didn't let me get a word in and quite rightly so she deserved to jump down my throat but then said they did agree to seprate but decided just the day before to try again.

Again I was left hurt, no more anger just disappointed with myself. Me and her exchanged a few messages spoke on the phone, her asking me to try meet him and if he'd agreed she wanted me to call her so she could catch him out...like she needed to see it to believe it but this man was also a client through my work so I didn't want to make matters worse so I didn't get involved I just left it 2 weeks and then mid January 2020 I contacted him about the contract which he then wiped from my feet...this made me angry as I thought you've played with my head & heart...and now my career!

So I contacted his boss...I kept it professional and questioned pulling the contract...to be told there was nothing on the system...it was all a lie. Him inviting me to site visits etc all a lie. So because I contacted his work which I imagine would've raised eyebrows and questions about him making up this contract...this resulting in this man & his wife contacting the police who pulled me into the station to accuse me off harrasing this man...her husband! I was so shocked, beaten down.

They quizzed me on harrasing him since 2017 but were not open to see messages, dates, pics, songs and stuff he'd been sending me to prove I wasn't harrasing him. 2 months passed, I was in therapy to deal with it all but I was also building myself back up. I'm a full time store manager, mummy, carer for my mum and I put the rest of my time and focus on starting my own fitness classes...I was doing good.

March 2020 came, his truck was outside my shop, he must've saw me through the window and the shop phone rang. He was blocked on my phone so that's maybe why he came to see if I was in and called the shop. He said he missed me and heard about what I'd been upto my new business etc.

We spoke a few more weeks...apparently the police incident was all her idea etc, my guards were up to believe anything he said but still I gave him the time of day. End of March we were in lockdown, he still called me everyday, messaged me songs still and video called me. Once again he told me he was leaving...

June 2020 he called to say he's going to be moving into his friends spare room along the road from where I stayed. He actually did it, he moved out. I was still unsure tho if it was him leaving or she kicked him out as when I met her she spun the story to be it was her asking him to leave for years but then she took him back everytime when finding out we were still seeing each other so I find it hard to believe she'd try kick him out but allow him to stay after the affair. Anyway he moves out, we start seeing each other but I notice he's spending lots of time at his ex house. I know its to see the kids but he's there till 12 midnight.

My gut feeling was they've maybe seperated but prob still trying again...he can't seem to let go of me after 3 years there's prob no way he can let go of her after 20...I do get it. I struggled too much with it, didn't want to be the b**** who said anything about him spending too much time with his kids at his ex house so soon after the split, so I walked away, wished him well.

About a month later I bumped into him in the carpark at the shops, we spoke, it was a nice chat. He was still living with his mate. We began spending time together again, we took a trip up north scotland,was a great few months.

Then Christmas comes, he tells me he's spending it at the house with her and the kids, I accepted it was the right thing to do but then to hear his whole family and hers is going too...I found this soooo odd because apparently he caused so much hate and hurt in the family for leaving her because he had an affair but all of a sudden the families are all ok to spend Christmas together...then new year comes and the same story!

January was tough as my feelings for him started to weaken but continued to spend time. He then tells me his dads 60th will be at his ex house, again another big family party and his mums 60th end of March... Ofcourse he's not told her he's still seeing me but...

Is it just me being really stupid here or is this normal. He left his family because he wasn't happy, he had an affair, she knows about it, the whole family does but occasions are spent not just him, her and the kids, but both families...

He's moved out but apart from a Wednesday and a Saturday night at mine, he's at hers till midnight then back to the flat...seems daft if they're getting on so well he's paying £260 monthly rent to sleep on a bed 6 hours a night as he's hardly in the flat...the flat exists as I have been in it.

Can someone please offer advice support on if this is normal or weird. As much as you are all entitled to your opinion and I do believe in freedom of speech...I don't need your hate comments on me being a homewrecker... I know I have caused alot of pain and hurt to innocent others by falling in love with a married man.

He says once he has his own place he'll not be spending as much time they're and then it will be the right time to tell her about us but somehow I don't believe it. He's delaying looking for a place, his friend offered him a brand new home he renovated, he was in no rush to get back to him. I've helped him with links to rentals etc.

Should I walk away. My gut feeling says yes, my head is confused but my heart says give it time. Please help x

Even if he really has left her, he told you so many lies to keep you where he wanted, could you ever trust that he wouldn't do the same thing to you? His track record is pretty appalling. Walk away or you will spend the rest of your life with this man looking over your shoulder.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Sara2021 said:

Can someone please offer advice support on if this is normal or weird. As much as you are all entitled to your opinion and I do believe in freedom of speech...I don't need your hate comments on me being a homewrecker... I know I have caused alot of pain and hurt to innocent others by falling in love with a married man.

No, it's certainly not normal.

My take is that he's unhappy enough in the marriage to pull away even to the point of "dating" you and moving out. I suspect she's pretty unhappy as well (who wouldn't be given the situation), but that they can't quite bring themselves to pull the plug. When they separate, perhaps they both "miss" the other and redouble their attempts at reconciling their marriage.

As pointed out, while they maintain their (I assume) state of "limbo" you are maintaining yours by sticking around to witness the outcome. Might be a while as (IMO) if either one of them REALLY TRULY DEEP DOWN wanted a divorce it'd be done already. They don't want it but something about their personalities/"chemistry" as a couple keeps driving them apart.

As for being a "homewrecker", while you're certainly responsible for your role in the affair, you can't "wreck" a home in this way without one of the spouses holding the door open for you, so you're at least only 1/2 responsible. Given that the MM seems to have been halfway out the door for much of this time, I'd say the home was (probably) already at least somewhat in shambles before you came into the picture. A lot of married couples don't get along particularly well, for a wide variety of reasons.

[HappilyMarried]

So @Sara2021if I read you post correctly you are only separated from your husband? If that is correct that is going on 3 years now. Do you plan of ever divorcing him? I personally feel this man is just using you for something on the side and even if he does leave his wife I would not be surprised that he would not do the same to you. I feel you should do two things make a official break (divorce) from your husband and the tell the OM thanks but no thanks and get on with your life as a single woman. Best of luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Worry less about what to say to him, and more about where your self-worth has vanished to. 

He has treated you like crap for a long time. His behaviour makes it clear that he does not take you or this relationship seriously. You're his back-up. Expecting a solid relaitonship out of him is naive, to be blunt. It's not going to happen, as he quite obviously doesn't have the feelings for you that you do for him and isn't really prepared to leave his marriage. Yet you've repeatedly let this parasite lead you around by the nose and make a mockery out of you. 

Time to demand more for yourself and fotget this man. There is no future with him, even if he divorces his wife tomorrow. He will not stick around with you. 

[Luna66star]

I'm sorry for all your heartache.  Affairs are always complicated.  IMO he is not done with his marriage.  They seem to be always trying again, while stringing you along in the meantime.

You appear to be clinging to some hope here that his marriage will end. He's not emotionally available to you.  A marriage of 20 years does not end just like that.

He says he's leaving, moves out but keeps spending time at the matrimonial home.  It's not done.

You can keep waiting in the wings but for how long? I would set a deadline for him to be in the process of officially divorcing.  I don't mean just separating.

Set that deadline for yourself and cut it off & move on to someone who is truly available - if he keeps up the wishy washy behavior.  

You have a life to live.  The other concern is what's happening with you and your own marriage?

This is a highly messy situation!

 

 

 

 

 

[Snakesalive]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're his back-u

I have to agree-if you have your own place why not just move in with you ? Why does he have abs pay for a flat he supposedly spends any tine in ? Moving in with you  would be some way showing a sense of commitment -does he want to ? Do you want him to ? If not why not -isn’t the end game for you to be together so why wait -when will be the “right “time ?  I appreciate moving in together  doesn’t necessarily mean he would stay -it didn’t in my case -I was the back up plan and he actually thought I would continue to be after we split . 
 

Life is just too short -as someone once said you deserve to be the leading lady in your life not the supporting actress   

Edited March 14, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Brokenhearted2020]

Hello 

I have no real advice to offer because I'm in this exact situation myself, reading your story was like seeing my own life wrote down and I just wanted to offer my support.

My story is D Day June 2020 and he initially went back to his wife. 4 weeks of NC later and he turned up at my work and we started up again. Lots of leaving/going back over the summer and I got my own place/separated from my husband officially by September. He also leaves his marital home, although he maintains he left because he is not happy I'm not 100% sure it was because he was forced. We had a good month or two and then out of the blue he decided to try again for the kids. This lasted 3 weeks and it was off again.  It's been off since November but he stayed with her over Xmas. I wasn't keen on this but he claimed it was for the children. I later see photos of matching family pjs etc and it doesn't add up in my head if she was that distraught still about the affair and they would've just muddled through Xmas like myself and my husband did for our children. 

New year comes and I decided he needs to make a choice between me and her. He claimed that he did love her but he was only staying to not split up his family. However he didnt actually end up returning and we continue. Wife knows he is still in contact with me and he had told her I was still his friend but that has since progressed to seeing each other romantically. He is often at the house for childcare and they seemingly got on well. All my friends say if she really knew about me she wouldn't want him there only when absolutely necessary. I feel like he's trying to work on their relationship but having me as side chick. He lives with a relative and has made no attempt to find his own place/sort finances with her. He's spoken of moving in with me but never any concrete plans. I feel like I'm just wasting my time, I know he will let me down again deep down like previous times I just can't seem to cut contact.

 

 

[Snakesalive]

11 hours ago, Brokenhearted2020 said:

Lots of leaving/going back over the summer and I got my own place/separated from my husband officially by September

This sounds like a horrible situation , how is your husband and kids doing in all this ? Do you think you would have split up  had it not been for the other man ? 

Edited March 15, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Starswillshine]

Sounds like this man is exactly where he wants to be. "Single" yet still has both of his women. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 3/13/2021 at 6:22 AM, d0nnivain said:

What I garnered was you cheated on your husband since 2017 with a MM but haven't divorced because 1st your niece then your father died.  My condolences on your losses. 

Throughout that time your MM lied to you & told you things with his wife were awful.  In fact they were great but he just wanted a sidepiece.  You dumped him when you found out & then you made sure his wife found out.  She took him back anyway but you started up with him after your dad died.  Now here you are all these years later & while he moved out, he still spends most of his time with his wife, not you.  

I don't know where your husband is in all of this, but you need to cut that poor guy lose.  He doesn't deserve this.  Fix your own house.  Whether you want to continue debasing yourself with some MM who cares more about his wife then you is entirely up to you but I recommend you find your self esteem & your morals.  

Great summary  

to OP I suggest you move on, rarely do men move entirely along after they’ve had such a connection to a wife especially when kids are involved even if theyve separated. They just don’t. It’ll continue to be a mess. Odds are this won’t work out for u two