clefairy Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 Hi everyone, I was friends with this man for about 1.5 years before we started dating. It was a long distance friendship and it SO much fun. My entire day would light up when he would send me messages. We've been dating a little bit over a year now. I'll be 30 this year and so will he. Long story short, he came to my state to visit right before the pandemic came around, and we instantly hit it off. He actually asked me to be his girlfriend while he was visiting! Everything was so great... and then the pandemic hit hard. He lost his job in his state, and I offered to let him stay with me even though we were only about 3 months into dating. I own my cute little townhouse, I'm really proud of it. I have worked extremely hard for everything that I have - I did it all by myself with really no help from anyone. My last job was making me miserable so I just recently started a REALLY great new job (I just got a raise yesterday because I've been doing so well!!). When I say finances are very important to me, they are VERY important. I like to think that I have my stuff figured out for the most part. I left an abusive marriage about 5 years ago and I had to start from the ground up, both mentally and financially. I'm really happy with where I'm at in life right now. Anyway. He got a job about a month into moving here (March of last year) and I understood that he needed some time to figure out his finances... plus, the pandemic was hitting hard and life was just so crazy at that time. He's from this state and his family/friends are all about 10-30 minutes away. Everything was great until about November. I started realizing that he doesn't make very much at his job, and he wasn't working very hard to help me with finances. I told him when he initially moved in that $400 a month would be really great to help out if he were to live here too. He didn't pay me anything (maybe groceries here and there) until about December when he gave me a few months worth of rent. Well, it's been about a year of living here now and he still hasn't paid me any rent at all since December. I feel like for the past year I've been supporting us both financially, and I've started to struggle a little bit paying off my bills every month. I'm growing incredibly resentful because he smokes a looooot of weed and I don't smoke at all (I physically can't, it'll give me panic attacks) and I think it's a big indicator that he'd rather smoke/drink than deal with his mental health and money issues. I'm realizing I think I made a mistake by letting him move in so soon. I know, hindsight is 20/20, but he really seemed so great. He IS genuinely such a good person. He's expressed being in debt, he has horrible credit, and he hasn't been able to get any of his stimulus checks since his taxes are "messed up." (I just found out about the stimulus checks and it really upset me. Those checks helped me a lot when my job slowed down last year). I guess I'm just frustrated because it's been a year now and I'm expecting him to help more? He's told me he's always had such bad depression and hasn't cared at all for the past 10 years and now it's catching up to him. He's fallen into a depression currently and I'm honestly just unsure of what to do. I struggle with panic attacks and terrible anxiety, but I've been in therapy for about 2 years now and I feel like I'm doing everything I can to stay on top of my life. I work HARD. I feel like he hasn't done the same and it's showing a lot of incompatibilities (he hasn't been to the doctor in 10+ years, doesn't have health insurance, no savings account, etc) because I care so much and he cares so little. I think I'm just venting at this point. I'm just so disappointed with myself by letting this all go on for a year now, and now I'm frustrated with both him and myself that I just want to cut all ties and move on. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 (edited) Don't be so hard on yourself. It takes about a year to figure out someone. Some women in your situation take many more years to figure out they are being taken advantage of. It's time to break up. Enough of him pulling you down. He has family 30 mins away he's not homeless. Give him till the end of March to move out. Edited March 13, 2021 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 Yes, you need to end the relationship and get him out of your home. You can't help someone who won't take responsibility for their own wellbeing. You have to take care of yourself, and having him in your home is clearly not a healthy thing for you, either emotionally or financially. I know it's hard, but stay strong and do what needs to be done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 (edited) Research the tenancy laws in your area. Give him the required written notice. Make sure you follow things to the letter legally. Tell him it's not working out. Keep in mind you're struggling and he's just drinking/smoking weed and unfortunately being parasitic and taking advantage. Edited March 13, 2021 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 13, 2021 Share Posted March 13, 2021 I agree that it's time to get him out of your home. Technically, he's a tenant/renter, so you should give him however much notice is required in your state. Hopefully it's 30 days. I'd give him written notice that he's being evicted and also insist that he set up separate sleeping arrangements, such as an air mattress in another room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author clefairy Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all of your advice. We had a big talk and decided that him moving back to his mom’s house is the best course of action. He wants to get a handle on his mental health & finances, so I’m actually really proud of him for admitting that. Our talk was very in depth and he opened up to me about how much he was struggling. I’m feeling better now that I understand him more, and I’m really proud of him for acknowledging his issues and wanting to actively work on them. I genuinely hope he gets the help he needs, and maybe all of this was a blessing in disguise for him. I’ll be rooting him on as best as I can from afar as a friend and someone who cares for him tremendously Thank you all again :) 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 Him moving out is the best course of action, but did he agree to actually do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author clefairy Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 18 hours ago, trident_2020 said: Him moving out is the best course of action, but did he agree to actually do that? Well, I thought we both had agreed to it and it was amicable. Today he’s acting irrationally, and said: “I kicked him out in the middle of a mental breakdown.” It kind of shocked me. I’ve been so lenient and understanding with his mental health and financial struggles the past year, but I haven’t seen ANY effort at all. I understand he’s lashing out, but geeeeeze. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 Give him a deadline to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 I saw that one coming Link to post Share on other sites
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