First LTR girlfriend left me and I'm stuck in limbo

[Hurtandconfused01]

Hi all, first time posting so go easy on me, it’s been the hardest couple of weeks of my life, and any advice would be appreciated.

I am 20, she is 19. I will refer to her as “R”.

Here is a rundown of our relationship and what I know about the end of it.

We met in early March last year and sparks flew. She had just moved to the city to start University down here and didn’t know a lot of people at all. She later said she had never wanted to commit to anyone before the day she met me, and we were together formally soon after. It became apparent very early on that R had some issues with herself. Self harm being the biggest one. I had dealt with depression myself before and assured her I wanted to take care of her and that wouldn’t scare me away.
 

In April we went into lockdown in my country and she moved back to her parents city to stay with them. We didn’t see each other for about 6 weeks and had only met a few weeks before this happened but talked a lot every day. She told me that she loved me the night before she left and nobody had ever said that to me before. Her older brother was causing her stay at her family home to become unbearable and she was suffering badly because of this and how it impacted her mental health, so for the next three weeks of lockdown she came and lived with me and my family. This was a fantastic time together and we spent every free second we had going on adventures together.

A few months after this she got very down. I would always drive into the city (45mins drive) to see her when she wanted or needed me to support her, but one day around this time she asked for space / a break. I was confused as she seemed really happy with me but wasn’t happy when we were apart, but gave her the space she asked for. She attempted suicide during this week and was really struggling but messaged me once every night telling me she was sorry and she missed me. At the end of that week she wanted to see me and we were back in each other’s lives again.

Again, a few months later, something similar happened. I was very sick at this point in time, as I had ingested chemicals at my workplace as they kept them in drinking bottles and I got mine mixed up. My stomach lining had been stripped and I could have died. Lying in bed in excruciating pain she called me suggesting we break up, out of the blue. She didn’t give any explanation and I told her I thought it would be best to have a break and think about it instead. She agreed and checked on me for the next week until she wanted to see me again. I felt as if I had to guess what her problems were with our relationship, and it mainly revolved around us not living our own lives and being too dependent on each other. I felt as if shortly before this happened she was putting her friends before me. We would organise to see each other and I’d drive to her and then have our plans cancelled as her friends wanted to see her. She felt as if she had to choose between the two. We acknowledged this need for our own personal lives but in hindsight not a lot changed.

Over the next part of our relationship things went very well. She moved out of her university halls of residence and into a rental with other flatmates who were about 5 years older than us. I helped her move all of her things and would visit her and stay with her a lot. This house was set to get sold in another few months, and the same group of friends that I felt she put before me bailed on the idea of them finding a new place together, which upset her a lot. She met these friends through me. I will refer to them as “O and co.” These girls asked her to go to a music festival 4hours drive away and R wanted me to go with her and I agreed. About a week before we were set to leave she said that we would be taking O and co in my car. She never asked me and I was upset, I was expecting it to be just us two on the drive up, but O and co had asked if we would take them and R agreed without asking me. R didn’t find a place she liked without O and co, and by this time I had secured my own place and was going to move into the city to be closer to her and my friends. I suggested her moving in with me until she found a suitable place and she agreed.

I moved all of her stuff for her yet again, she went away on the first weekend to see her parents and was now not sure if she wanted to stay with me or keep looking for a new place. I moved all of my stuff on my own with no help from her. She seemed to really enjoy living with me and my friends, something even her older sister mentioned to me. Her older brother came down one weekend who had caused her a lot of grief and wanted me to come and see him with her. Similar to the previous trip to the music festival, I found out only after asking how her other family members were getting there that she assumed we would take them in my car. I frantically cleaned out the remainder of my things and got no help from her as she cooked herself a meal and made me nothing. On the 23rd of February, a few days later my (ex)girlfriend, broke up with me. The night before this she was very upset with herself and was telling me she wanted to be better for me and wasn’t treating me right. I forgave her and told her I knew she was doing her best. On the day of the breakup I had been dealing with some family issues a few days before this after finding out that my mother had an affair a few years ago and lied to me about it. I was on the phone to my mother and R was very worried and kept calling me to see if I was okay and was worried about me. After returning inside R gave me a big hug and kisses and told me she was always here and that she loved me. O and co wanted to look at a flat with her after deciding that they actually did want to find a place. I tried to talk to her about not rushing into it and to take her time as she was enjoying living with me and to make sure it was with the right people and the right place. She said she felt overwhelmed with our relationship and was scared at how dependent she was on me. She said that she wasn’t giving back as much as I was putting in and after I asked several times told me that she may have lost some attraction to me over the last couple of weeks. She was in tears and kept saying that she was scared of loosing me, that she loved me, and that she didn’t want to hurt me. I was so shocked I went to the bathroom and vomited. She left that night and took all of her stuff a few days later.

since that night I have been even more confused than before. She went to my best friends house and talked with him about the breakup for hours saying things like “I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else apart from him” (referring to me) telling him that she loves me, that she misses me, that she compares everyone she meets to me, and feels like there is a hole in her life without me, but said that confirms to her that she has made the right decision. She also told him that she didn’t think she would be alive if it weren’t for me in her life, something she said to me several times, and that I had helped her to see that she is beautiful and stopped her from hurting herself

 She mentioned she wanted to catch up for a coffee with me in the future.

I didn’t talk to her at all since she ended things to me that night, apart from confirming the next day over the phone that we were really over. She sounded sad and hesitated, but said “I think so hun”. After my best friend told me all these things that she said to him I got very confused and upset for the next week and sent her a message, telling her that I heard she wanted to get coffee. She replied almost instantly saying that she meant in the future, as friends, when we are both ready to. I left this for a few days and then replied and told her that I could never be her friend, but that if she changed her mind and wanted to work on the relationship to contact me. I told her I wouldn’t contact her again unless she did change her mind. She said she understood and agreed, thanked me for everything I had done for her and all the amazing time we had together and wished me the best. That was it. Her parents sent me a card saying thank you for all that I had done for her, and her older sister sent me a message saying the same.

I have been left in a state of confusion and pain. I loved, and know that I still do love this person. I did everything I could for her and bent over backwards. It seems excruciatingly painful to think that she may never come back to me and I will never see or hear from her again. Because of the things she has said to me and my best friend, it makes me think there is still hope and that she still does have feelings and may need a period of time to herself before she comes back? Another side of me thinks that I’m wasting my time and energy trying to answer questions that she likely can’t even answer. Please tell me what you think. If you read all this, it means so much to me. Thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. She's much too

8 hours ago, Hurtandconfused01 said:

  Self harm being the biggest one. . She attempted suicide during this week 

Sorry this happened. She is much too unstable to handle a relationship.

It's very important to realize that playing therapist is dangerous and certainly not what dating is about.

Hopefully you are taking good care of your own physical and mental health and getting appropriate support and follow up.

When you feel better, start dating, but make sure you're not looking for projects to fix.

Dating and relationships are to enhance your life and create some happiness. They are not to rescue anyone from themselves.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She is much too unstable to handle a relationship.

It's very important to realize that playing therapist is dangerous and certainly not what dating is about..

I agree with all of this. 

I get that you wanted to be supportive, but unless you are qualified mental health professional, you aren't in any position to take care of her - nor should you volunteer to shoulder that burden. It creates such an unhealthy dynamic and is bound to cause problems. 

Further, she's shown you repeatedly that she does not value you the way you value her. Add to that her mental health issues, and you don't have the basis for a long-lasting relationship. What she's telling your best friend are just words meant to "soften" the blow of breaking up with you, since she knew whatever she said to this person would find its way back you. 

She'e been backing out of this relationship and losing interest for a while. It's best not to fight that, and let her go so you can heal and move on. Someday you will find a woman who appreciates you as much as you do her, and who's emotionally stable enough for a mature relationship. This one just wasn't it. 

Edited March 14, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting.   The end of a 1st relationship is particularly painful & confusing because it's all new & it really does seem overwhelming.  However, everybody has been there & you will get through this.  

She was never emotionally available to fully love you.  Her self harm was a huge red flag that you ignored, naively thinking you could love her through her problems.  That was very sweet but totally untrue.  She needs competent, professional medical help not just her college BF's love.  When you add in Covid & lock downs things were always stacked against you.  Plus she is still too immature to be tied down in a relationship; her inviting others to go to the music festival is an indication that she cares a lot about partying which is fine when you are 19 year old co-ed. That is the time in life when you should do those things.  You however, were on a different page & wanted something more settled.  You liked playing house with her at your parents but that was smothering to her.  

You have to accept that it's really over.  All that stuff she's saying that gives you hope, those are all white lies people say at the end of a break up.  She doesn't mean them.  She is simply trying to assuage herself from the guilt she feels because she hurt you.  She did care about you in the moment but those moments have passed.  Your relationship ran it's course for her & she's now done.  Let her go. 

You need to take certain steps to heal. 

1.  Grieve.  You lost something precious to you so be sad for a while.  Still go to work, eat, sleep & put one foot in front of the other but it's OK to cry.  Tears are cathartic. 

2.  Purge.  Get rid of all the mementos.  If you can't bring yourself to delete stuff, at least save all the pictures to a thumb drive.  Put everything in a box.  Tape the box shut. . . I mean go OCD crazy, round & round, taped shut so it's a real p.i.t.a. to open.  Then shove the box into the deepest recesses of the attic.  Out of sight. Out of mind 

3.  To the extent possible, since part of this took place in your parent's house, redecorate your living space.  Get new sheets.  Rearrange the furniture.  Hang new art.  Just make it different than it had been when she was there.  You lose some of the visual reminders of her this way. 

4.  Keep busy.  Bury yourself in school or work.  Get a second job.  Pick up a side hustle.  Go back to a favorite hobby or find a new one.  

5.  Exercise.  You need the good hormones that are released through movement. 

Hang in there.  You can do this.  You will live to love again.  In time the acute pain will subside  

[Hurtandconfused01]

Thanks for the replies.

The worst thing for me is how her words do not match her actions, something that looking back has been present for much of our relationship. She told my friend she didn’t plan on breaking up with me but it was in the back of her mind for a few days. Seems that I’m not valued as you say all. Devastating when I put my all in and she clearly took advantage of that. I don’t know if she ever felt the way I did or if she just couldn’t due to her own issues. It’s a hard thing to move on from when I’m told one thing but shown another. 
 

It’s been hard not to talk to her about this and let it go, but I’d rather that she figures this stuff out on her own and realises one day how supportive I was and how she threw it all away to find happiness from other external sources when in reality the source of her issues comes from within herself. I want her to feel my absence in her life otherwise she will never realise this. Is it silly to hope that she eventually does? 
 

Logically I do not want to be with someone who has treated me this way and who does not value me when I have given my all. Time will tell if she has been telling white lies if she never reaches out. Emotionally I miss having that companion who I felt always had my back, although that person may have never been a reality.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Hurtandconfused01 said:

Is it silly to hope that she eventually does? 

I wouldn't say it's silly. You're human, and it's your first real break-up. It's just not a very realistic hope. 

In the future, be careful bending over backwards for someone when you're not getting much in return.