Chris1989 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Hi all, I'm just writing this down, because sometimes it helps to hear a neutral opinion. I was dating this guy for 3 months, he was very much into me from my understanding. He told me that he likes me, that he misses me, was very affectionate and gave me a lot of compliments. Although he told me that he is just coming out of a toxic relationship and don't really want to have a commitment to relationship. I know I might have stopped it before, but we got along so well. He also shared a lot with me, and I always supported him as a friend with his problems. I woke up at 2 am at night to listen to his problems, I supported him because he didn't feel well in his job. So it never felt like normal dating, it felt like we a sharing a deep connection and friendship. But I also saw a lot of signs coming that he is not ready for anything real at the moment. He sometimes bailed on dates but then apologised to me that it won't happen again and that he feels bad. I invited him to my birthday and he cancelled last minute but then texted me the whole night how bad he feels and that he wants to make it up and buy concert tickets for us. I don't know for some reason I always saw in him a very genuine and loving guy who is just not able to truely show it. I must say to it that he told me that he struggles with depression, at least he takes medication against it. One time he didn't text me for a week or so, so I called him to see how he is and he said that he just felt sick because he ran out of his medication and he said now you know how f***ed up I am. Also he once he stand infront of my door telling me that is parents kicked him out of the house because he punshed his brother. He is 25, so much younger than I am - I am 31. In the end I could feel that he is kind of off so I told him that we really don't have to hang out if he doesn't want to and he then said, yeah maybe I never thought about it. So I ask him the next day if we still seeing each other and he just said: It's not the right time to talk about it, I will think about and let you know. Then he never got back to me. So I texted him after a week or so that we maybe have to talk about before both of us start to date again. After that he was only closed up, he said there is nothing to talk about it, he rather spends his time doing stuff that he enjoys instead of having a hell chat with me. This really really hurt me so much after I have been there for him so many times, he couldn't even listen to me for 5 minutes. I returned my birthday present and left a letter explaining how hurt I feel and mistreated. I must admit I tried to call him a couple of times because I never understood why he is suddenly acting like this, I just wanted to talk to him. He never picked up the phone. We once talked on the phone when he was telling me that I am forcing him to talk to him and he does not have any obligation or anything - he got really angry with me so in the end I started to apologies. After a while I was over it, so I just wanted to be good and friends with him - I guess that is the only thing I always wanted. So he actually approached me after 2 months just because of a stupid Facebook post. So I called him back and ask him if he ever read my letter, I just wanted to know if he read it that was all. But he got so angry with me saying yeah the one you called me a c***. Which I never did. he said he always said to me that he doesn't want to have a relationship that I called him so many times, that I asked him every day to hang out (which is not true!) so I of course defended myself and said That is not true and unfair I never asked you to hang out every day. Then he hung up. I feel like he is just inventing things to hurt me back because of the letter I wrote him. So I texted him that I just wanted to talk to you in a mature and normal manner and I thought this matters for you as well. He then said he does care about me but not how I want him to care. That all hurts me so much that my last message was only that he is not the guy anymore which I started to like. That I appreciate our time together and it does matter to me it's just how I am and that I don't know him anymore and I always wanted to be friends only but not anymore. I feel so hurt and misunderstood. I don't understand how he can be so disrespectful to me. I wish I could just go there and talk to him again face to face but I'm afraid it just makes it worse and he would get more angry with me. At the moment I feel like he just made me to a clingy person which stalks him and he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. He totally forgot about what he said to me that we shared so many good moments, that it was him coming to me with all of his problems and I listen to them and I tried to help him, its like he is covered in anger. Does someone has any idea to overcome this hurt? Does it make sense to talk to him again? Do you think that he might have some kind of issues, I never discovered so he is putting all of his anger on me? I even thought he uses me as a buffer for his toxic relationship. Thanks so much in advance. xx Link to post Share on other sites
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Quote Does it make sense to talk to him again? Do you really require more proof, after you had a two month contact break and his communication with you didn't change at all, that talking to him again would just create more damage for you? Quote Do you think that he might have some kind of issues, I never discovered so he is putting all of his anger on me? It does absolutely sound like he has a lot of issues, which only means that you should stay away. You won't be able to discover them, MUCH LESS do anything about them, because discovering such issues is something that only he can do himself, during years or decades or work, for his own sake, after many mistakes and much damage done, and many people just flat out refuse to go that path altogether. You're not his psychiatrist or therapist and you won't be able to figure him out. I can't even figure my closest friends out after decades of friendship, you won't be able to after 3 months of relationship. He's not being a good friend to you, either, so even if what you say is true and you "only ever" wanted to be friends (my recommendation would be to be honest with yourself here) it wouldn't be a good idea. Quote Does someone has any idea to overcome this hurt? Yes actually, total No Contact mode, permanently, with no open back doors, no checking on social (block if you must), no asking common friends. It will hurt a lot at first to be left alone with your brooding but you should see improvement fairly soon, for me it is showing in the second week already. It's gradual and slow but it works. You're basically putting time to work in your favor, instead of setting yourself back. Now, obviously I'm not recommending just doing that and trying your hardest to ignore your hurt feelings. You should by all means feel them and figure them out, read books, talk to friends, journal, take long walks, meditate, all of these things are good, the important bit is that you put absolutely no hopes whatsoever on somehow, ever, resolving these hurt feelings with him. That will never happen and hoping for it will only keep you from working through them yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Sorry this happened. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Get a restraining order. Dating is not social work. He needs his doctors, medications etc. Not a relationship. If he shows up at your house again call the police and they'll take him to the appropriate hospital. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 8 hours ago, Chris1989 said: Does it make sense to talk to him again? Nope, not even one ioata. It would make more sense to ask yourself why you're attracted to such a toxic person who does not care about you. You sound like a kind soul, but you desperately need better boundaries for yourself. WIth people like him, there's no sense speculating why they behave they way they do. You need to concentrate instead on why you behave the way you do, and are still trying to seek out the approval of this dolt. You were a convenient quasi-rebound, unfortunately, and that's as far as it went for him. You need to cut all contact him with, permanently. Link to post Share on other sites
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