CaraGrace Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 I've got married to my husband 1.5 years ago after dating for 9 years. I was his love at first sight but he wasn't really my type when I first met him. But it was his persistence and caring attitude that made me decide to date him and then now we're married. In between all these years there were moments when I doubted whether I should be with him, because honestly I had other admirers and I also had feelings for other men sometimes. But I couldn't find a reason to break up with him because he is a very good man - I basically don't have to worry about him having affairs with other women or having any bad habits like smoking, drinking or gambling... You can say he's a rather boring person, his only hobbies are spending time with me, watching football games and playing video games. We seldom fight or quarrel, mostly because we're both the kind of person who avoids conflicts. He seldom gets mad at me, and when I get mad at him I usually just give him the silent treatment. The thing that I get mad at him most is that he doesn't want to hear me whine about my problems. Every time when I complain about things and people that stress me out or do me wrong, he is like zoned out and turns a deaf ear. He seldom gives any response or console me, and I am like talking to myself like a crazy person. There are times when he just gives me the "please shut up" look (and one time he did ask me to shut up), and I would get very angry and I tell him that it makes no difference if I talk to him or talk to the air, and that I'd better off just talk to my cat or a tree hole. He once said that he also felt very stressful at work and so he didn't want to hear me whine after work. I know he just wants to have a simple-minded, all cheerful and happy woman waiting for him at home - but I am not that kind of woman. Of course I know no one likes to hear people whine. But I'm a very sensitive person and so I get upset quite easily at work and with people. Especially because I work at PR and it's a very stressful job and I work very long hours. It's the kind of job that refrains me from saying and showing 90% of what I think and feel, and what makes it worse is I have to work with celebrities who are mostly very self-absorbed and disrespectful to people who are at positions like mine. I fake a smile every day at work, and I work over 12 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week. The stress level is crazy. I don't think he could imagine the stress of working on large-scale events and with A-list celebrities. There are many times when I put up with all the BS and being treated very badly at work that I have emotional breakdown after a project is finally finished. The things that I have to deal with on a regular basis are like being made to take responsibility for things I'm not responsible for, being swore at, and even sexually harrassed sometimes. The only way I can get my stress out is to have someone listen to me and knowledge my feelings. And he is and should be the first person I can talk to and whom should listen to me. But what he does just always makes me feel worse about the things that happen to me (like they're no big deal) and also about myself (like I'm a whiner who complains about tiny little things). Today, this happens again and I just feel again that he is not someone who understands my need. Just because he chooses not to talk about his problems doesn't mean I have to do the same. The way he deals with his stress is to not talk about it and have me talking and doing silly and meaningless things with him so that he can keep his brain empty. But the way I deal with my stress is to vent and talk about it. He makes it like he's being reasonable asking me to stop talking, while I'm being unreasonable asking him to listen because he has stress too. And every time I would just think what if I hadn't chosen him, and wasn't married to him? Did I make the wrong choice? I'm just so furious that I wanted to say to him that if he doesn't want to listen to me, I can just go talk to another man, if that's what he wants. There are men who would listen to me and console me. Now I'm still giving him the silent treatment - and actually every time I do this and he knows I'm mad at him, he would still say nothing. He never apologizes. He would just wait until I'm not angry anymore and talk to him again. But just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean the problem is solved or doesn't exist. I just don't want to pretend it's ok anymore. Every time when I feel sad or angry or being treated badly, whether because of work or other interpersonal relationship, the first thing that comes to my mind is not talking to him and knowing he would listen, but thinking whether I should talk about this to him or I would better just swallow all my sadness and anger, pretend like I'm fine and happy in front of him - and just be the kind of woman/wife he wants to see at home. I just want to leave sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Get a counsellor/therapist, so you can unload to them every now and again. Your husband does not want to be your sounding board and why would he? These are your work problems, so you need to find a solution that doesn't involve dumping it all on to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 I'm sorry this is happening to you but IMO you are wrong to dump all this on him. You say he "should" be the person you unload all your emotional baggage to. May he should be. Maybe that is what you think a good husband does but the fact remains he is not that guy & he's not about to become that. guy You need a BFF to be your outlet. Your husband isn't up to the task & he doesn't want the responsibility. You want to vent. I get that. Problem is he is not hard wired to listen just for the sake of listening. It's not a problem he can fix so he'd rather not hear about it. Read a book called Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. It's classic what you are describing. On this issue he can't be your go to outlet. He just doesn't have it in him. My suggestion is you cultivate a group of friends & call one each day on your commute home (or take some time after work if you are now working from home) & let it all out to them so you have purged all the negative emotions & pent up stress before you engage with your DH. Doing this should save your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: My suggestion is you cultivate a group of friends & call one each day on your commute home (or take some time after work if you are now working from home) & let it all out to them so you have purged all the negative emotions & pent up stress before you engage with your DH. Doing this should save your marriage. Ok, but this is an ongoing issue with the job, so the friends are going to get mighty fed up of the OP dumping all her woes on them too. These after work calls to her friends, are going to eventually remain unanswered. Who really wants to listen to that? That is why she needs to dump on someone who s paid to listen and may give her coping strategies so these stresses become more manageable. That way her husband and friends can be spared from her long venting sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) That's why I said multiple friends. A therapist will help but usually only once per week. She needs a daily outlet. Who can afford $100+ per session on a daily basis? No insurance company will pay for that. So if she has 6-7 friends who will listen, that is less than once per week. She will have to listen to them too but friendship is a 2 way street. I do agree that a good therapist should be able to teach her better coping strategies so she needs less venting over time Edited March 14, 2021 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted March 14, 2021 Author Share Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Get a counsellor/therapist, so you can unload to them every now and again. Your husband does not want to be your sounding board and why would he? I cannot afford a counsellor. And if a husband is not able to listen to and share my burden, and he wants only a happy wife, a simple-minded, optimistic, all smiling woman waiting for him a home because he feels stressful at work, and so I should be considerate of his feelings and understand his needs and never talk about my sadness to him - I also feel stressful at work, then why can't he also be considerate and understanding as I am to him? When he doesn't want to listen and ask me to shut up, I stop talking. And then I deal with all my problems myself, hide my sadness and angry, then fake a smile in front of him and be that wife he wants me to be, talking nonsense all day, cannot hold any serious discussions... I don't see the balance here. Like you have a bad day and you can't even share your feelings with the person who's closest to you. It's not like I whine to him every day. I think I talk more nonsense to him and laugh at silly things and joke around than whining... I keep doing and saying stupid things just to make him feel relaxed. Just once in a while when my stress has built up so much that I really need to vent it out that I start to whine. It's not like I do it every day. But he can't even take it just once in a while. I don't understand. 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: On this issue he can't be your go to outlet. He just doesn't have it in him. My suggestion is you cultivate a group of friends & call one each day on your commute home (or take some time after work if you are now working from home) & let it all out to them so you have purged all the negative emotions & pent up stress before you engage with your DH. Doing this should save your marriage. I do talk to my friends sometimes but I try not to do it too often. Like @elaine567 said if I do it too often they would get fed up too. So it's like sometimes I would choose to talk to my husband and sometimes to my friends. So it's really not like I need a daily outlet. I only need to talk to someone when my stress has built up to an extent that I couldn't swallow anymore. I thought in the vow we said through good and bad times, but he only wants to see a happy woman. Edited March 14, 2021 by CaraGrace Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Hi @CaraGrace I feel for you given that I know the stress of PR. Are you working on a team (agency side) for these celebrities? If so, discussing or commiserating about shared stresses with those in the trenches can be a great relief. I suspect this isn’t an option, and if it is of course it still needs to be professional. I am in tech PR (also super stressful) and fortunately my business partner and I can unload on each other about the stresses of the day. Often when one us is at a breaking point the other can help us dial it down. I don’t have any advice Re your husband situation but my husband and I met through work and are both in PR. We are no longer together but it was great to be able to discuss things, though I must say we tried not to do it so much in an effort to have work/life boundaries which is always hard in this industry. What about starting a virtual (maybe soon can be in person) PR meetup to socialize and meet others in the field to chat about stuff (managing stress, issues of the day and whatnot). Maybe it be once a month and test it out, and enlist a colleague or former colleague to help co-host. Obviously it can’t be the same kind of venting that you would do with a close friend or spouse but could be a positive outlet? Beyond that my biggest stress relievers are my dog, exercising (this is #1 for me) and painting. I picked up painting after the marriage ended and absolutely love it. I am not great but better than I would have expected being self taught. I have found it to be a great way to channel emotion and that would include work related stress. Perhaps painting or another art form could be good to try? What I love about it is when I paint, my mind is only focused on painting and it is not connected to the Internet! I absolutely lose myself in this other world and when a painting clicks it is truly magic! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 (edited) It's not that he only wants a happy wife. But just like you acknowledge you can't burden your friends with your issues, you can't burden your husband this way either. Sometime when you are not stressed try explaining to him what you need. My DH is rather stoic & he is not emotional at all. He really doesn't like emotions. So I explained to him that if I'm crying he should hug me & if I'm venting he needs to make eye contact & mummer "I see" or "I understand" once in a while. He still doesn't really listen, but he does those things. My friends & therapist are still better outlets. You work & presumably make a decent salary (hence the stress). Tele-health has expanded tremendously due to Covid. It's very affordable. Avail yourself of that as an option. Again, as @elaine567 pointed out a good therapist will teach you better coping skills. Please read the book I suggested to you. It will help you understand why your husband is responding the way he does. Edited March 14, 2021 by d0nnivain Link to post Share on other sites
silvershadowbeliever Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: It's not that he only wants a happy wife. But just like you acknowledge you can't burden your friends with your issues, you can't burden your husband this way either. Sometime when you are not stressed try explaining to him what you need. My DH is rather stoic & he is not emotional at all. He really doesn't like emotions. So I explained to him that if I'm crying he should hug me & if I'm venting he needs to make eye contact & mummer "I see" or "I understand" once in a while. He still doesn't really listen, but he does those things. My friends & therapist are still better outlets. You work & presumably make a decent salary (hence the stress). Tele-health has expanded tremendously due to Covid. It's very affordable. Avail yourself of that as an option. Again, as @elaine567 pointed out a good therapist will teach you better coping skills. Please read the book I suggested to you. It will help you understand why your husband is responding the way he does. Agreed. I recently started seeing a therapist on a sliding scale $55 per session so it's not bad because my insurance was an enormous headache. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
silvershadowbeliever Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 6 hours ago, CaraGrace said: I've got married to my husband 1.5 years ago after dating for 9 years. I was his love at first sight but he wasn't really my type when I first met him. But it was his persistence and caring attitude that made me decide to date him and then now we're married. In between all these years there were moments when I doubted whether I should be with him, because honestly I had other admirers and I also had feelings for other men sometimes. But I couldn't find a reason to break up with him because he is a very good man - I basically don't have to worry about him having affairs with other women or having any bad habits like smoking, drinking or gambling... You can say he's a rather boring person, his only hobbies are spending time with me, watching football games and playing video games. We seldom fight or quarrel, mostly because we're both the kind of person who avoids conflicts. He seldom gets mad at me, and when I get mad at him I usually just give him the silent treatment. The thing that I get mad at him most is that he doesn't want to hear me whine about my problems. Every time when I complain about things and people that stress me out or do me wrong, he is like zoned out and turns a deaf ear. He seldom gives any response or console me, and I am like talking to myself like a crazy person. There are times when he just gives me the "please shut up" look (and one time he did ask me to shut up), and I would get very angry and I tell him that it makes no difference if I talk to him or talk to the air, and that I'd better off just talk to my cat or a tree hole. He once said that he also felt very stressful at work and so he didn't want to hear me whine after work. I know he just wants to have a simple-minded, all cheerful and happy woman waiting for him at home - but I am not that kind of woman. Of course I know no one likes to hear people whine. But I'm a very sensitive person and so I get upset quite easily at work and with people. Especially because I work at PR and it's a very stressful job and I work very long hours. It's the kind of job that refrains me from saying and showing 90% of what I think and feel, and what makes it worse is I have to work with celebrities who are mostly very self-absorbed and disrespectful to people who are at positions like mine. I fake a smile every day at work, and I work over 12 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week. The stress level is crazy. I don't think he could imagine the stress of working on large-scale events and with A-list celebrities. There are many times when I put up with all the BS and being treated very badly at work that I have emotional breakdown after a project is finally finished. The things that I have to deal with on a regular basis are like being made to take responsibility for things I'm not responsible for, being swore at, and even sexually harrassed sometimes. The only way I can get my stress out is to have someone listen to me and knowledge my feelings. And he is and should be the first person I can talk to and whom should listen to me. But what he does just always makes me feel worse about the things that happen to me (like they're no big deal) and also about myself (like I'm a whiner who complains about tiny little things). Today, this happens again and I just feel again that he is not someone who understands my need. Just because he chooses not to talk about his problems doesn't mean I have to do the same. The way he deals with his stress is to not talk about it and have me talking and doing silly and meaningless things with him so that he can keep his brain empty. But the way I deal with my stress is to vent and talk about it. He makes it like he's being reasonable asking me to stop talking, while I'm being unreasonable asking him to listen because he has stress too. And every time I would just think what if I hadn't chosen him, and wasn't married to him? Did I make the wrong choice? I'm just so furious that I wanted to say to him that if he doesn't want to listen to me, I can just go talk to another man, if that's what he wants. There are men who would listen to me and console me. Now I'm still giving him the silent treatment - and actually every time I do this and he knows I'm mad at him, he would still say nothing. He never apologizes. He would just wait until I'm not angry anymore and talk to him again. But just because we don't talk about it doesn't mean the problem is solved or doesn't exist. I just don't want to pretend it's ok anymore. Every time when I feel sad or angry or being treated badly, whether because of work or other interpersonal relationship, the first thing that comes to my mind is not talking to him and knowing he would listen, but thinking whether I should talk about this to him or I would better just swallow all my sadness and anger, pretend like I'm fine and happy in front of him - and just be the kind of woman/wife he wants to see at home. I just want to leave sometimes. I have this feeling too. My husband used to be very conforting now he constantly grabs and touches me when I don't want. Or feel affectinate. But if I'm sad an upset, I'm dealing with it all alone. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 Wow. No, your partner can't fulfill your every need, but your spouse (the person you're married to! your literal life partner!) should at a bare minimum be compassionate when you're upset, offer love and care when you're hurting, and listen to your stories even if they find them boring. If you are married to someone who doesn't understand or doesn't think it's necessary to at least be supportive of you when you're struggling, something is very very wrong. It is NOT NORMAL to be married to someone who ignores your emotional needs! There are some major red flags here---"he never apologizes", "he makes me feel worse", "asking you to stop talking"---that suggest you are long overdue to see a counselor. If he's not amenable, you need to make some tough choices. But this is not about differences between men vs women or whatever; this is a marriage in crisis. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 10 hours ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said: Are you working on a team (agency side) for these celebrities? If so, discussing or commiserating about shared stresses with those in the trenches can be a great relief. I used to talked with my colleagues but now I've been freelancing for some years and I mostly work as a one-man team (I work on film publicity and film festivals, and some companies here don't have in-house PR anymore and they outsource the job to people like me. So I don't have a team, I'm the only person who's responsible for PR of that specific film/festival I sign up to. I have no one to talk to. People I work with are not interested in knowing my problems/difficulties, they only expect me to solve all the problems and difficulties). But you have some great suggestions here. Though I'm probably not going to start a PR meetup (I don't really like meeting up with people, esp. those I don't know, to talk about my problems - that's why I want people who're closest to me to be my support system), I do find console in my cat. And ironically enough, one of the major reasons I adopted a cat few years ago (I was not married yet but already moved in with my husband/then boyfriend, and because of how difficult it was to start any serious or emotional conversation with him, there were a period of time I wondered how I was going to spend a lifetime with this man. I was in doubt. And I felt bored sometimes. Then I adopted a cat, and the cat becomes something that we would talk about together, and play with together, which does help to improve our relationship. But still I think it's pathetic if I have to talk to my cat when I need a listener - it's just self-deceiving. I've always known art can help one release stress because it helps you concentrate and clear your thoughts. But I'm not interested in art... it's like anything that are really slow and still can't really help me ease my stress, including yoga. I used to go to gym and work out very hard - I think it could be a useful way for me to release my stress... but sadly due to covid I haven't been the the gym for over a year for safety sake... But yes, find a hobby and spend time focusing on it definitely can help. Thanks for your suggestion~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Sometime when you are not stressed try explaining to him what you need. My DH is rather stoic & he is not emotional at all. He really doesn't like emotions. So I explained to him that if I'm crying he should hug me & if I'm venting he needs to make eye contact & mummer "I see" or "I understand" once in a while. He still doesn't really listen, but he does those things. Yes, you make a good point here. What makes me feel the worst is that he is not making eye contact and not saying simple words like "I see" when I am talking to him. He's just completely zoned out, sometimes he just goes on looking at his phone or playing video games - and this is also one thing I hate - he plays video games on his phone all the time, including when he's having dinner with my family, or when we travelled - we usually share a sim card when we travel, and there were times when I told him I needed the internet data on the sim card/provided by the hotel/hostel (some hotels/hostels only provide like 100MB of free data) to check and reply work emails at night (I'm a freelancer, it's true that I have the freedom to travel without having to get permission from the boss but the downsize of it is I really never completely stop working, even when I'm travelling), but still he would use up all the data playing video games. Every time I complain about him spending too much time on video games, he would say he's stressful at work and this is one of the few ways for him to unload his stress... Well I just can't understand. It's all about his need and I should always understand. Then how about mine? I think not playing video games when you're eating with my parents is basic respect. And yes, even if he doesn't want to hear me whine, he can at least make eye contact or say something once in a while, instead of obviously letting you know that he's not listening and he doesn't want to listen by doing something else. 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You work & presumably make a decent salary (hence the stress). Tele-health has expanded tremendously due to Covid. It's very affordable. Avail yourself of that as an option. Again, as @elaine567 pointed out a good therapist will teach you better coping skills. Sadly it's not true. I think if I'm making decent salary I won't feel so bitter so easily. I believe we're not living in the same country, but film industry in general is exploitative no matter which country you're in, and the people who are working in positions like PR (which people don't think is important - but they would blame you when the box office is not good, instead of blaming the film itself which is badly made) or in the production crew but at some lower levels are treated very badly and without respect while also being under-paid. This is way I have so much anger. I'm already stepping out from this industry in recent years, but giving up something you've done for year and start a new career isn't easy and cannot be done overnight. That's why I have so much stress and also feeling bad about myself all the time. My husband works less hours than me but he makes triple of my salary, but still he makes it like I should understand his stress and his ways to cope with his stress, but he can't do the same for me. I'm a freelancer and so I don't get any welfare. I bought my own insurance but it doesn't cover things like therapy or counselling. I'm very much on my own, in all aspects in life. I'm only asking my husband to be on my side and understand my struggles - I know no one likes hear people whining, and I'm already reminding myself time to time that I should keep quite and pretend it's ok and not talk about it unless I've reached my limit. I just don't know what a spouse is for if I have to deal with all my struggles on my own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 6 hours ago, lana-banana said: But this is not about differences between men vs women or whatever; this is a marriage in crisis. I certainly know and understand that men and women's brains are differently wired. Men do not understand why women think in a way that everything seems inter-related, and it's like one tiny thing that happens now can be dated back to several small incidents that happened in the past - and altogether it becomes a very big deal. Women are also more emotionally sensitive, and I am a particularly sensitive person too. I can't let go of the small things that I see as part of the larger picture which leads to mistreat or unfairness to me and also other people. I think I'm a more sensitive person than many of my female friends. And so when they whine to me, I often step into their shoes and feel for them, and I say things to agree with and comfort them, and give advice when necessary (sometimes people whine just because they need to vent, not because they want advice, and I can tell the difference and act accordingly). But my female friends may not be able to do the same to me. It's like when they whine to me, I respond to every line they say; but when I whine to them, they only give one respond to try to sum it up then move on. So oftentimes, I don't feel my feelings are being acknowledged or understood enough. I understand that if female friends can't even console me enough, it's hard for my husband to completely fulfil my emotional needs, but at least he can pretend he is listening. Yet, he just gives me the "please stop talking" and "I don't want to hear that" look most of the time. Earlier last week, there was another thing that made me angry about him. We were eating in a local restaurant. We ordered our meals after seated, but 20 minutes later our meals were still not served. Then the waitress put down a cup of coffee on our table, which we didn't order. We told her so, then she checked the receipt on our table (these restaurants usually leave a receipt on your table after taking your order, which is for you to take to the cashier to pay after you're done), which really had a cup of coffee and other food listed on it - but all of which were not our order. So we said that the order didn't belong to us, and the waitress tried to ask her co-workers to see who took our order but obviously no one admitted. Then she just gave us the menu and asked us again what we'd like to order, without apologizing for the wrong order plus the 20-min wait, as if we just sat down here and nothing happened. I was angry at that point because of how the waitress dealt with things that they did wrong (pretended nothing happened), but my husband, though looked a bit impatient too, just made the order once again and didn't complain. Few minutes later, my husband's meal was served, but mine didn't arrive after another 20 minutes. We asked the waitress again, and she went to the kitchen and finally sent me my food, which was just a hot dog with fries. There was no way that it took so much time to make it, while I could see other customers who came later than us and ordered noodles/fried rice - which took time to cook - already had their food before me. I was furious and told the waitress that it's not accepted that they took the wrong order at first, didn't apologize, then made me wait for another 20 minutes for a hotdog - which seemed more like they missed my order again. She just said she didn't know why and walked away. My husband knew that I was angry, but he didn't say anything. After I finished and we're about to pay at the cashier, I told him and I was going to talk to the manager about this. But he just walked straight to the cashier, paid, then left. I couldn't ask them to send the manager out because I had to catch up with my husband who walked really fast out of the restaurant. Then I asked him why he left so quickly as I already said I had to look for the manager. He just said, "What do you want from making a complain? You won't get anything. You want to get any compensation or what?". Then I told him it's not about compensation, I never thought about getting any, but it's about how badly we're treated as customers and I thought the manager should know about it and train the staff how to deal with things like this next time. At least they should have apologized first when they knew they took the wrong order, and perhaps apologize again when they knew I have waited for 40 minutes for a hot dog and said they would improve their service, etc. Perhaps I just needed to hear an apology, and because this was not how a customer should be treated. But he made it look like I was making a fuss, and looking for compensation like a petty person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaraGrace Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 I hate the way he doesn't want to listen, and he also doesn't want to speak out when there is clearly a problem - but instead makes it sound like it's my problem. Like months ago I rented a booth at a sunday market near where we live, and I offered to share half of my booth for free to a friend who had some handmade earrings to sell too. But in the few weeks before the market, my friend just kept repeating to me that it took her a lot of time to dig out and pack her handmade earrings, and that it would be heavy to carry them to the market because it's far away from her home (it's around 45-min by bus). She just kept repeating how much work she had to do in order to sell at the market, like I was the one who gave her all these troubles - ignoring the fact that it was she who said she also wanted to sell at the market, and that I shared my booth to her for free, which I had to pay. And after repeating so many times, she finally said to my husband one night when we're having double date , "It'd be great if you (my husband) can drive us (she and her husband) to the market on that day." - which my husband immediately agreed. Later I thought she was actually guilt-tripping me/my husband into offering her a free ride by making it look like it's my fault that I made her sell with me on the market which gave her "all these troubles". I was quite pissed and asked my husband how come he would agree to offer them a ride. Then he said that I was being petty. I was only speaking out because I thought he (and also I) was being taken advantage of, which was unfair because I didn't even ask my friend to share the rent. She was obviously asking for too much and she was the one being petty. And he didn't even thought about me - I also needed him to drive me to the market on that day, if he drove all the way to their home to take them here, I would have to carry two luggage of second-hand clothes and a large clothes rack and walk 15 minutes to the market, even though it's walking distance I had so much to carry - so much more than my friend's a bag of earrings. I'm always thinking for him, I speak out when he's treated wrongly, but he doesn't think and do the same for me and make me the "villian" all the time. He's just so cowardice. There were a time when we were travelling together and one night we were waiting for the lift in a hostel to go back up to our room. It was not a very decent neighborhood there, and that many night people were out watching football game and there were many drunk people. Then two drunk men walked up to me and asked where I was from, where I was going, and asked me if the guy next to me (my husband) was my boyfriend... it's certainly some kind of verbal harrassment. These guys were standing on my left and my husband on my right, and he said and did nothing. I'd understand if he didn't dare to talk to those guys since they're bigger and drunk. But at least he could have stood between me and these guys, or any action to show that he's with me and protect me - but he did nothing. All these memories just came back to me all at once now, after having sort of a "fight" with him yesterday (I'm still giving him the silent treatment today and he still doesn't say/do anything about it). I can't help but think if I've made the wrong decision choosing him. Some years ago I spent a year in Australia and found that I love the life there much more than here, and I didn't lack admirers and I think I could have married to any of the men I met in Australia and started a new life, but I chose to come back because I was already dating him for 5 years then. But now I wonder if I should have stayed there. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Seems to me your husband is a video gaming, conflict avoidant, emotionally unavailable guy who is not even your type. You traded safety and security and "niceness", for all the other stuff that makes for a successful partnership, FOR YOU... Now you find yourself lonely and unheard whilst he buries himself in his phone playing games... I think you need to think very carefully about what it is you really want from your life, BEFORE you get pregnant and add kids to the mix and become stuck and trapped... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Unfortunately, taking your work stress home and emotion-dumping on your partner is going to generate a lot of stress and conflicts at home. Try to find better ways to cope with work stress and stress in general Don't jeopardize your relationship by giving your partner an earful of complaints he can't fix or help you with. Then followed by another earful of complaints about him that he sets boundaries as far as how much emotion dumping he'll tolerate. Go to your doctor for an evaluation about the moods, anxiety and stress. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support and coping techniques to deal more effectively with everyday stress. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 I may have to revise my earlier statements somewhat. In both examples you provided here (going to the restaurant and the thing about the market) I'm actually on your husband's side---neither of these incidents rise to the occasion of being major problems, and your frustration seems very disproportionate to the situation. If you are frequently blowing up over petty inconveniences your husband might just be withdrawing because he doesn't want to put up with your anger. I'll second the recommendation for stress management, and while I still think you would benefit from a good faith effort at marital counseling, you could also probably use individual counseling as both a sounding board and a way to learn to better handle your emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 I'm self employed too & one of the worst fights DH & I ever had was over international cell service. I asked him to do something regarding my business phone before we left home. He didn't understand that it could not be done one we arrived so I had no phone. When I calmed down, he made a valid point: He's not responsible for my business. So you need a separate data plan so you can always stay in touch for work. He can then do whatever with the shared personal plan. Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your business plan if you are so stressed, not making money & can't afford insurance / to see a counselor. if you get a better handle on the money, that may lessen some of the stress & allow you to think more clearly about your marriage. At this point you are so upset that everything he does rubs you the wrong way. As for the booth you were sweet to offer your friend a place. She was awful for complaining & demanding more. I have a friend like that. I stopped offering her things like free space because she was so whiney about it. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 First of all, your job is toxic. You are working 12 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week, and you are treated badly and stressed out. You should work on a plan to change jobs. All this stress you have is taking a toll on your marriage. I get the impression that you complain or are negative most of the time. You come home from work and just want to unload all your negativity and complain. That would be tiresome and exhausting for anyone. I don't think it's fair to paint this as a situation where the husband is the problem. Your JOB is the problem. Life is too short to have a job that makes you miserable. Work on a plan to get out of there and find a job that doesn't consume your life so much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 On 3/14/2021 at 10:53 AM, CaraGrace said: And if a husband is not able to listen to and share my burden, and he wants only a happy wife, a simple-minded, optimistic, all smiling woman waiting for him a home Nope, you are twisting things around. Just because he's having a hard time dealing with your constant complaining and negativity doesn't mean that he only wants a "simple, minded, optimistic, happy wife." Those are two opposite extremes. I'm sure he just wants a wife who is somewhere in the middle, who just acts normal and doesn't complain excessively. You'll never reach a solution to this problem if you aren't first and foremost honest about the situation and seeing it for what it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 This thread reminds me of when I was divorcing my first husband of 32 years. When he created his dating profile online, he said that he wanted someone who didn't come home and talk about her work. I was stunned. He and I had always talked about our work together. He vented about his and I vented about mine. After that, I never came home and talked about my work again to anyone. I write everything in my online journal. If you don't want to write it down, have a conversation with your cat! Like you, I thought "If I can't vent to my life partner, who CAN I vent to?" I'm thinking cats and dogs are better listeners AND they keep our secrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Listening to your partner whine is a basic part of a marriage these days. So I don't think your expectation there is out of line. The knock on guys is that we are bad at this kind of supportive listening. If we can't fix a spouse's problem, we don't want to hear it--so goes the knock. Here's what you probably need to do. You need to set a limit here. Like 30 minutes a day of whining at most. And skip some days. Now, having said all of that, I agree with a part of what others are saying. First, you might be in the wrong job. And second, you might be thinking you're right is to just complain to your husband instead of developing a range of friendships at work and outside of work to offload some of that. Question: what if your husband were to listen for five minutes and then give you a wonderful hug? Or what if he rubbed your shoulders for five or ten minutes? Would that work for you? Another question: do your whines go anyplace? It's not his job to be a waste treatment plant for a bunch of unfiltered complaint and sewage. I remember dumping on one of my gf's. What I didn't understand was that everyone gets sick of this UNLESS you actually do some thinking (as part of your whining) for how you can fix the situation. So are you devoting time after work to brainstorming how you can improve things, even if improving things means get a different job? And now we get to the big point: what are you doing to soothe and comfort yourself? Might you need to go for a walk or exercise or plop yourself in front of a tv for a bit when you come home? You do have the responsibility to soothe and comfort yourself. That's the cold truth of being an adult. I wonder if you're trying to dump that responsibility onto him because you don't know how to do it. You might need to learn how to take care of yourself emotionally. And then he would be extra support. And if your complaining goes nowhere (if everything at the job is bad) it is unproductive to just continue complaining. Did you grow up with people who just came home and complained? I wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
Helena handbasket Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 sounds like he just want's home to be a stress free zone, does he handle his stress different? like when people are rude or do stupid things around him he ignores it and once he is home it's out of his mind? He probably wonders why you just don't ignore the people that upset you like he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Helena handbasket Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 16 hours ago, elaine567 said: Seems to me your husband is a video gaming, conflict avoidant, emotionally unavailable guy who is not even your type. You traded safety and security and "niceness", for all the other stuff that makes for a successful partnership, FOR YOU... Now you find yourself lonely and unheard whilst he buries himself in his phone playing games... I think you need to think very carefully about what it is you really want from your life, BEFORE you get pregnant and add kids to the mix and become stuck and trapped... She never said how he behaves when she comes to him with positive news, and conflict is best avoided. nothing good comes from it. Link to post Share on other sites
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