My husband won't listen to me when I'm sad/angry

[CaraGrace]

15 hours ago, lana-banana said:

I may have to revise my earlier statements somewhat. In both examples you provided here (going to the restaurant and the thing about the market) I'm actually on your husband's side---neither of these incidents rise to the occasion of being major problems, and your frustration seems very disproportionate to the situation. If you are frequently blowing up over petty inconveniences your husband might just be withdrawing because he doesn't want to put up with your anger.

If you're the one who have to wait for 40min for a hotdog (starving and also only have less than an hour to eat before meeting a client - I had a work meeting on that day), and received no apology from the restaurant for messing up the order twice, I wonder if you'd still think it's ok... He got his food served and finished before my hotdog arrived. So maybe he thought it's no big deal. I serve people too as part of my job, I just don't think this kind of bad service is acceptable. I was mad not only because of the restaurant incident, but his attitude of shrugging off problems which clearly are not acceptable or fair. The friend I mentioned on the market incident, she has long been making belittling remarks on and comparison with me while pretending she's joking. On the same day she requested for a free ride from my husband, she also said it to my face that she thought my wedding favor was ugly comparing to her friend's, insulting me again for missing her wedding 6 years ago, and also teased my husband about his crow's feet and compared with her husband, saying that my husband aged faster than hers.. It was a row of insults on the same day, and the part I felt most angry was that she pulled my husband into all the comparison and also took advantage of him (asking him to be her driver). I don't want him to be teased and taken advantage of by her, while he never says a word when I was teased and insulted by her. And then he said I was being petty.

I don't know, if the problem is all mine, I would just shut up and never talk again.

(You can still say I put myself into this situation before I chose to be her friend. I've known her for 20 years, and now I've stopped contacting her.)

[Helena handbasket]

37 minutes ago, CaraGrace said:

If you're the one who have to wait for 40min for a hotdog (starving and also only have less than an hour to eat before meeting a client - I had a work meeting on that day), and received no apology from the restaurant for messing up the order twice, I wonder if you'd still think it's ok... He got his food served and finished before my hotdog arrived. So maybe he thought it's no big deal. I serve people too as part of my job, I just don't think this kind of bad service is acceptable. I was mad not only because of the restaurant incident, but his attitude of shrugging off problems which clearly are not acceptable or fair. The friend I mentioned on the market incident, she has long been making belittling remarks on and comparison with me while pretending she's joking. On the same day she requested for a free ride from my husband, she also said it to my face that she thought my wedding favor was ugly comparing to her friend's, insulting me again for missing her wedding 6 years ago, and also teased my husband about his crow's feet and compared with her husband, saying that my husband aged faster than hers.. It was a row of insults on the same day, and the part I felt most angry was that she pulled my husband into all the comparison and also took advantage of him (asking him to be her driver). I don't want him to be teased and taken advantage of by her, while he never says a word when I was teased and insulted by her. And then he said I was being petty.

I don't know, if the problem is all mine, I would just shut up and never talk again.

(You can still say I put myself into this situation before I chose to be her friend. I've known her for 20 years, and now I've stopped contacting her.)

     she was being petty, and sinking to her level is a waste of time, and how was it that your husband got his food first, did he order something simple(exactly like it is on the menu?)? was your order a special order(extra this, hold that etc etc...)? 

[CaraGrace]

19 minutes ago, Helena handbasket said:

     she was being petty, and sinking to her level is a waste of time, and how was it that your husband got his food first, did he order something simple(exactly like it is on the menu?)? was your order a special order(extra this, hold that etc etc...)? 

The waitress took our order, only to find out our order was missing after 20min, and took our order again, but then missed out my food and let me waited for another 20min... my husband ordered rice, I ordered hotdog - which one should take longer time to cook? And I didn't mention they gave me potato cakes instead of fries, because they ran out of fries, but they didn't tell me nor asked me if I could take potato cakes instead, they just simply put the plate of hotdog and potato cake on the table and walked away. Maybe I'm being petty, maybe I shouldn't be angry waiting 40min to get what I didn't actually order... I swallowed whatever was served in 10min because I was in a rush to work, but I did think the restaurant owed me an apology and so I wanted to take 2min to let the manager know what happened... but then I became the petty woman who fusses over a hotdog and some potato cakes.

Edited March 16, 2021 by CaraGrace

[Wiseman2]

It may sound trite, but "pick your battles" would be great to apply to your situation.

[CaraGrace]

16 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm self employed too & one of the worst fights DH & I ever had was over international cell service.  I asked him to do something regarding my business phone before we left home.  He didn't understand that it could not be done one we arrived so I had no phone.  When I calmed down, he made a valid point:  He's not responsible for my business.

That's a completely different situation then mine. I never ask my husband to handle anything related to my work. I'm only asking him to spare me some data so that I can use the internet too, and also asking him stop playing video games when we're travelling - isn't travelling already relaxing enough for him to release his stress? Why is he still always on the phone playing games while we should be exploring new places? Every time we travel, we share one sim card. Usually hotels provide unlimited free wifi and so we only need internet connection when we're out and need to check for any travel information, like train or bus schedule etc. That shouldn't take much data and that's why we don't think we need two sim cards to save money. But on that particular time when we travelled to Australia and stayed mostly in remote hostels, we only got like 100MB free data from the hostels, and so he was using the data on the sim card to play video games when we're back in the room (and the 100MB data was also used up by him, I didn't even get the chance), despite the fact that I told him I had important emails to check, for work and also for a parcel that I had to get in a post office in Australia. Is it too much for me to ask? So it's my fault too, I should have bought myself another sim card. It's never his problem. And btw, it's always him who insisted we don't need to buy 2 sim cards, not me. 

If I should stop talking because he doesn't want to hear, then should he also stop playing video games because I don't like it too? I'm respecting the way he uses to release his stress, how about him? Yes, I know my talking and whining is affecting him to an extent that he couldn't bear. But don't say that his addiction to video game is not affecting others, it affects me when he can't weigh the importance between games v.s. my work, and when he shows no respect and presence while eating with my family. 

[CaraGrace]

15 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think it's fair to paint this as a situation where the husband is the problem.  Your JOB is the problem.  

Life is too short to have a job that makes you miserable.  Work on a plan to get out of there and find a job that doesn't consume your life so much.

You're right, my job is the problem, and I've been trying very hard to fix it. I slowly transit from PR to other jobs, like translation and I also started a small online business.. But I'm multi-tasking so much and I'm struggling to re-write my career path and somehow re-booting my life. I'd say now I whine a lot less than 5 or 6 years ago when I was working full-time (before switching to freelancing). But with other kind of jobs, there are other kinds of problems. Not to say the film industry is severely affected by covid (the translation jobs I take are also mainly related to films - I didn't study translation and so it's hard for me to get translation jobs that are related to law/medical etc.), I really have been struggling for a whole year, and I even have to take some part time jobs (unrelated to my field) which I have to take junior positions to earn money (I was in the manager level when I worked in PR). I was trying to simplify a bit about my career in the first post and so I only wrote that I work in PR, but actually there are a lot of things going on. I'm not happy when I was yelled at or manipulated (though in vain) by the people in my part time job, who obviously don't know I have more working experience than them and I actually think that the way they do things are stupid and wasting time, and I'm angry because I was sexually harrassed by a co-worker there, who also took advantage of me by stealing my ideas - but I put up with all the BS... I keep telling myself that it's just a part time job, and I'm only doing it because it's a difficult time during covid and I should be blessed that I have work to do... 

And one of the reasons I forced myself to do part time jobs like this, is because I make so much less money during covid... last year was very hard, and with very little or even no income in some months, even paying for food was a challenge for me (I used to pay for groceries, and pay the bill when we eat out). So I started to ask my husband to pay for those too because I had no income, but he just laughed it off and seemed not to believe that I don't have money. Of course I do have savings but I just think that if he's not losing his job like me, and he can afford to pay for groceries and when we eat out, then why make me use my savings? In my society, it's a tradition that husbands give some sort of "household money" to the wives to pay for groceries and other sundry expenses, and the wives would keep the remaining money as savings too. But between he and I, I never ask him for "household money", because I think he's already done his part by paying for the flat we live in, and I have my career too and I can afford paying for other expenses, until last year I was devastated by the covid and jobless situation, but he didn't seem to understand, because I've long been taking care of these expenses and I never asked him for money - and he made it like it's a joke that I said I was running out of money. And when I tried to run an online business to make money, he thought I was only fooling around. When he saw me spending time trying to make the business work, he made it like I was wasting time and thought that I'd give up very soon - he's not supportive at all. And my feeling was "am I a joke to you?". 

If he doesn't want me to whine about career/work, it's simple - take care of all the expenses, give me "household money" and make me a full-time housewife - like what he always says. He has long been asking me to stop working and be a housewife - which I refused. But from his reaction when I asked him for money last year due to covid, he's actually not ready and willing to do that. I really don't know what he wants - he's too used to the version of me who take care of myself and not asking him for help. And when I do ask him for help, I become a joke.

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You need to set a limit here. Like 30 minutes a day of whining at most. And skip some days.

I don't whine every day... perhaps how I wrote on the first post give people the impression that I whine every day... If you really have to count the frequency, I guess it'd be once in every 3 to 4 weeks or less. I only whine a bit more recently because I was sexually harrassed by a male co-worker at my part time job (which I took only because I lost many film-related jobs due to covid, and my husband makes me look like a joke when I asked for money/help), and I also found out this co-worker made my ideas his when he talked to other people in my team, and also keeps shifting responsibility to other people when it's clearly his fault. I used to suck it all up because it's just a part time job which I don't want to care too much about, but later I found that I've developed a huge resentment towards that male co-worker which makes me feel angry at almost every thing he says or does. And I also regret for giving him a second chance when the management knew about his inappropriate behaviors and asked if I could forgive him. I think it was the reason I whined a but more recently about this part time job to my husband. And actually I've decided to call it quit - I know I can't work there anymore - it's unhealthy to both me and my husband, who would have to hear me whine a lot.

Actually on that day (when I got mad at him for not listening), the conversation started with me telling my husband I'm going to quit the job, but he just gave me the "I know you're going to give up very soon" look and asked me why, then I started telling him the things I'm mad about that male co-worker, and he started to look like his head and ears were in pain and asked me to stop talking. My impression is he doesn't even feel bad for me that I'm working with that piece of sh*t who sexually harrassed and took advantage of me and refused to listen, then makes it look like I give up easily at this job, not understanding why I want to quit.

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Another question: do your whines go anyplace? It's not his job to be a waste treatment plant for a bunch of unfiltered complaint and sewage. I remember dumping on one of my gf's. What I didn't understand was that everyone gets sick of this UNLESS you actually do some thinking (as part of your whining) for how you can fix the situation. So are you devoting time after work to brainstorming how you can improve things, even if improving things means get a different job?

 

I think one of the reasons I whine, or put it in a less negative terms - just telling him about the problems and frustrations I faced, is to get some suggestions/responses from him, and talk together to find out ways to fix the situation. If I've got everything figured out, I don't need to talk to anyone at all. And marriage, like any kind of companionship, is about talking and sharing things together. If everyone can fix things on their own, why do we need anyone else? Or maybe some people just want to have people around to have fun with, to share happiness, but avoid conversation/contact when things are hard. 

Of course I spend time to think about how to get myself out of all the unpleasant situations - from switching to a freelance PR so that I can choose jobs and avoid shi**y people, to stepping out of PR when I finally admitted to myself and accepted the fact that I couldn't handle it anymore, then trying to make money by translating and running my own online business, and then take part time jobs (even unrelated to my field and downgrading myself to junior roles) to get through the covid situation and also help to invest on my business.... I'm always finding ways out and trying to improve the situation. I also don't want to be a whiner who only complains but never tries to change the situation. I'm always trying. But trying and changing can be tough too. But once in a while I also get fed up by all the situations... sometimes no matter how hard I try I feel like stuck. And sometimes I want supports and want to feel I'm understood. But I'd say no matter what I do, I don't think I'd be 100% content and happy. There will always be moments when I get angry, frustrated, and want to whine, complain and vent. So now it seems the only answer is that I have to grow up, learn to suck it all up, not to talk about it nor seek support from my husband, because it's not his responsibility to listen. Because of course no one likes that. I can talk to him only when I'm happy, feeling silly, so that he feels happy and relaxed too, because he has stress too, and I shouldn't dump mine onto him. 

[CaraGrace]

15 hours ago, vla1120 said:

After that, I never came home and talked about my work again to anyone. I write everything in my online journal. If you don't want to write it down, have a conversation with your cat! Like you, I thought "If I can't vent to my life partner, who CAN I vent to?" I'm thinking cats and dogs are better listeners AND they keep our secrets.

Yes, no work conversation at home, but how about other issues? Like when I'm pissed by a girl friend who constantly insults me, compares with me, guilt trips me, humble-brags at me, and who also teases and insults my husband... I wrote about it in the previous replies and so I don't repeat here. But I guess I shouldn't talk about these to him too. No matter how I am mistreated, insulted, taken advantage of by anyone at work or any other situation, I just shouldn't talk about it. And if my friend or anyone teases him and takes advantage of him again, I shouldn't tell him I'm angry for him, I just shouldn't say anything about it and just let it be - and there is no need to even protect him from these teasing or insults. Just let it be because he doesn't care. But the way my friend teased him was actually one of her ways to belittle me. But again, I shouldn't feel angry at all and shouldn't talk about it. The problem here is that I stay friends with her and let her do that to me - which is my responsibility. So now I've cut her off, even though her husband and mine are also friends of over 20 years - I just cut her off now, so I don't have to talk about her anymore. I do my part to cut her off, but she is constantly reaching out to me recently because I know she wants to humble brag about her pregnancy. I feel annoyed and pissed, but no, I shouldn't talk about it. I should just suck it up and let it be. It's better if I learn to feel nothing or disregard my own feelings - because talking about it is a sin.

And if a job frustrates me, I should just quit. It's so simple. I shouldn't talk about it. 

Yes, cats and dogs are better listeners, I should just try to develop a deeper relationship with my cat then with my husband. I think this is the only way out. 

[CaraGrace]

6 hours ago, Helena handbasket said:

sounds like he just want's home to be a stress free zone, does he handle his stress different?   like when people are rude or do stupid things around him he ignores it and once he is home it's out of his mind? He probably wonders why you just don't ignore the people that upset you like he does.

That is actually very accurate. I think most men are like this. I have a friend who also whines to me about her husband being so indifferent about what's happening between her and his mother. His mother constantly judges her, insults her in many ways and disagrees with whatever she says or does, though all incidents seem so tiny or trivial. All she wants is that her husband can say something for her, or if he can't risk upsetting his mother (by taking her side), he can simply comfort her a little or take a mediation role between them. But what upsets her is he does and says nothing - because he thinks it's no bad deal. It leaves her feeling bitter, and she has whined to me several times about this. Of course I'm all ears no matter how many times she has to whine to me, but I think it's just sad that she can't even talk about it to her husband, and that he doesn't understand her situation and why she's upset.

My husband is the same. In the earlier years I was dating him, I used to buy her mother gifts on birthday, mother's day, christmas etc.. But every time her mother would say it straight to my face that she didn't need/like what I bought her. One time I bought her expensive hand cream, she immediately said she wouldn't use it and gave it to her daughter - but come on it was a gift I bought for her! And one time I bought her some expensive fruits from Japan, and she just kept asking what's special about it, why I bought it (well because it was her birthday do I have to explain?)... She just showed no appreciation at all. I later told my husband/then boyfriend that I didn't like the way his mother react to my gifts. I told him that I thought she's mean and rude - even if she didn't like it, she could still just say thank you and take it. I don't care if she throw it away and give it to someone else behind me, but just don't do it in front of me. He at that time also thought it's no big deal, and told me that, "she's like that, you don't have to take it too seriously." So after few years of trying, I stopped buying her gifts.

Then years later, when we finally decided to get married, in our tradition both families should meet to get to know each other and we had dinner together in a restaurant. After the dinner and on our way home, he said to me, "I think my mother said something really mean at the dinner, it's so embarrassing." To my surprise, I actually didn't know what his mother said that made him thought she's mean. He gave me some examples, and I thought it's nothing (compared to what his mother said to me in earlier years). So the thing is, it's not like he doesn't care and can ignore it even when people are rude or stupid, it's just when it doesn't directly affect him, he would think it's ok to shrug it off (and if you feel bothered, it's just you being petty). But obviously he cared very much about that dinner, and he didn't want my family members to feel upset by his mother, and so he was very sensitive to what his mother said and did - which made him feel very bad after the dinner. And I had to comfort him saying I didn't think his mother was being rude on that night, and that my family members were all very big-hearted and wouldn't mind even if she said something stupid. I think at that point he finally understood my feelings. Every time he thinks I am making a fuss, it's not because I'm petty, it's just because he doesn't care enough and it doesn't hurt/hit him directly. If he can step into my shoes, maybe he would understand. 

Edited March 16, 2021 by CaraGrace

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, I agree: we need to talk to our partners about stress. A friend of mine's partner is an ER nurse, and during the worst periods of COV, the nurse partner has come home needing to process and talk about the craziness of the hospital overwhelmed by covid and by fear. Yes, the nurse partner needs a supportive ear. Absolutely!

We know we're sane based partly on getting a sympathetic ear from our partners. Absolutely.  

So here is a question: you've been with this guy for 9 years. How is it that you're only noticing this weakness in his personality now? Was a good listening partner for the 7.5 years before you got married? Did you hide your complaints with him before you got married? BTW: no shame here if you did hide this before because hiding and minimizing problems is EXACTLY what lots of folks do before marriage. While minimizing our struggles (hiding parts of ourselves) might be a great romantic strategy on the way to marriage, it's absolutely horrible preparation for happy marriage. 

So yes, I think your man should listen to you, but what I'm sensing is that this isn't a "listening" issue necessarily. He just sounds immature and cold to me. Like very immature. Is he indeed immature? 

Hubby minimizes you reporting being harassed. Something is up here. So I would say right now is the time to cut the b.s. and get real and do a ruthlessly honest evaluation of your husband. Is this behavior like him? Is this who he really is and you just missed this side all along?

You gotta start with some truth. If he can't support you when you tell of harassment, then you gotta come to terms with that. You're what, 1.5 years into the marriage. It's possible you simply made a big mistake in marrying this guy. But you don't have to go there yet. But you do need to be real. Are you trying to get an elephant to dance? Why did you assume the elephant could dance? I'm not convinced he showed he was a good listener in the first 7.5 years of your time as a couple. 

 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

The waitress took our order, only to find out our order was missing after 20min, and took our order again, but then missed out my food and let me waited for another 20min... my husband ordered rice, I ordered hotdog - which one should take longer time to cook? And I didn't mention they gave me potato cakes instead of fries, because they ran out of fries, but they didn't tell me nor asked me if I could take potato cakes instead, they just simply put the plate of hotdog and potato cake on the table and walked away. 

It sounds like the qualities for which you picked your husband (including his conflict avoidance) are the exact qualities you're having a problem with now. I feel like this is who he is. He's always been "boring", dependable, conflict-avoidant etc. Can he change? Perhaps he can. Perhaps if you went for counselling together, you could both work on aspects of your behavior and come out of it a stronger couple. Maybe that's something you could try talking to him about, hopefully in a non-confrontational manner. Alternatively, maybe you're just not right for each other. Counselling could help you figure this out.

Btw, the fact that you subject him to silent treatment isn't great. So you really should devote some time to examining your own behavior too.

[d0nnivain]

Your husband sounds like a selfish man who makes promises but doesn't keep them.  You are growing to resent him more & more each day.  You both need to work together to change the trajectory of your marriage or it's going to end.  Ask him which path he prefers.  

[CaraGrace]

45 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So here is a question: you've been with this guy for 9 years. How is it that you're only noticing this weakness in his personality now? Was a good listening partner for the 7.5 years before you got married?

He has always been like that... in the first 3 to 4 years we're together, I was still working as a full-time in-house PR, and those were the years I whined A LOT. He didn't like to listen, and the first time he asked me to shut up was during those years (and that's the example I wrote in the first post). I told him I didn't like how he refused to listen, but he just said that he also had stress at work and so he didn't want to hear about my stress which made him even more stressful. So it's the same then and now, and we never find a solution to this.

Later I realized I couldn't go on like this and burden him with my stress. I knew the job was the problem, and so I quit it and switched to a freelancer. I believe the whining has reduced A LOT, and from what I remember we didn't have major conflicts over 'me whining v.s. he doesn't want to listen' since I started freelancing. I think I don't whine too much if I don't have to work with people - unless I'm working with reasonable people whose abilities are on the same level as me or better. Otherwise I would be pissed very easily, and especially with hypocrites which are very abundant in my industry. So I keep turning down PR jobs, I choose whom to work with - even though it means I lose quite a lot of opportunities and income - I think my emotional health (and thus my husband's) is more important than career. I've really tried my best to avoid dumping my emotions on him, even if it means giving up many job opportunities. My income has decreased in recently years, and even to a new low last year due to covid. And so I took a part time job, of which I have to work with people whom I think are using very stupid ways to do things and I also don't like their 'blame game' culture - but I put up with it and didn't unload my emotions on my husband, until that male co-worker was hired and he harassed me several times - so my whining started. My husband did respond when I told him I was harassed by a co-worker. He asked what happened and asked me to avoid him. But my whining didn't stop because I can't really avoid that co-worker as long as I'm still working there. Every day I still feel disgusted by almost everything that co-worker does/says to me. But to my husband, maybe he thinks he's already heard me complain about that guy once, and so he doesn't want or need to hear again. 

I know it's my responsibility to suck it up because it's my job, not his. And so I've decided to quit the job already. But my feeling is his unwillingness to listen doesn't change, while I'm the person who keeps changing and suppressing myself, and feels even worse every time I try to share with him my feelings.

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

He just sounds immature and cold to me. Like very immature. Is he indeed immature? 

Is he immature? Or you can say I'm the one who's immature because I cannot deal with my own stress and emotions and always need someone to listen to me - which I believe some people who read my post would think so. But like someone who replied here earlier wrote, I think it's more like he tends to ignore it when someone is rude or do him wrong, he just doesn't want to dwell on it so that he can empty his mind as quickly as possible. And so he doesn't understand why I have to dwell on things and get upset by people and things, he thinks it's unnecessary. And even if I tend to dwell on things, which I believe many women also do, he would expect me not to that or at least not to talk to him about it. But if it's right and reasonable for he to expect and ask me not talk to him about my stress and emotions, then why is it problematic and unreasonable for me to expect and ask him to listen and comfort me once in a while?

He never can holds a serious discussion, including anything about politics, or even whether we should have a baby. He's always wanted to be a father, but I've always been in doubt or sometimes very reluctant about having a child. It's a 'disagreement' we already have long before we got married, and which we never figure out an answer, because he refuses to discuss about it. I think his attitude is that as long as we don't talk about it and come up to an answer, there will always be 50% of the chance that I would eventually give in and do what he expects me to do. He's kind of waiting for me to change my mind myself. He doesn't want to formally discuss it. The last time I tried to discuss this with him, he was also saying that he felt headache after a day of work and didn't want to discuss something so serious and heavy. That is immature I think. But I can't force him to change, talk, nor listen.

[d0nnivain]

DO NOT have a baby with this man given the current state of your marriage.  

[CaraGrace]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

Btw, the fact that you subject him to silent treatment isn't great. So you really should devote some time to examining your own behavior too.

I know it isn't great, but I want him to know how it feels like when the person he's talking to doesn't really listen and response - which is what I feel most of the time when I talk to him about the problems I encounter. If it isn't great for me to do that, it's also isn't great for him to zone out or even ask me to shut up when I need support most.

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

 Like when I'm pissed by a girl friend who constantly insults me, compares with me, guilt trips me, humble-brags at me, and who also teases and insults my husband... I wrote about it in the previous replies and so I don't repeat here. But I guess I shouldn't talk about these to him too.

What is the point of complaining about this terrible friend you have?  Even now you are still wallowing in this counterproductive negativity and complaining.  This friend of yours that you are describing.... you should NOT be friends with this person.  You say you cut her off but then she "still reaches out to you."  I'm not sure what that means.  Cut her off for good, block her.  When you have a toxic friend then the responsible thing to do is end the friendship, and stay in control of your own life.  Surround yourself with people who are good for you.  Not allow the toxic friend to stay involved in your life so you can keep whining and complaining about it.

Your life is out of balance.  You have a job that makes you miserable and now you're talking about having a friend that also makes you miserable.  You need to find balance in your life and make changes.  I know you can't just change jobs overnight.  That's a big work in progress.  But the state of your life is making you a negative, unhappy person which in turn makes you not all that pleasant to be around, which in turn is taking a toll on your marriage.  Look at this situation clearly and see the root causes, not just the symptoms.

[Lotsgoingon]

  

4 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

I know it isn't great, but I want him to know how it feels like when the person he's talking to doesn't really listen and response - which is what I feel most of the time when I talk to him about the problems I encounter. If it isn't great for me to do that, it's also isn't great for him to zone out or even ask me to shut up when I need support most.

This is lost. This thinking is hopeless and useless. You're trying to get an elephant to appreciate fine wine. This guy does NOT have an internal life such that he would spend time to "know how it feels" when someone else is in pain. He can't talk about his own pain. You ducked my question: yes, he is immature.

Or let me put it like this, he is severely emotionally underdeveloped. You picked the worst possible person to share your ups and downs with and now you're mad that he isn't good helping you process your ups and downs. Your issue is that you somehow are blind to this guy's weaknesses. You've got some attachment to him that stems from a wound. Once more, this guy ignored your report--minimized your report of harassment on the job--sister stop right there. That's the behavior of a terrible partner. 

The question is, what is keeping you in this relationship? As d0nnivain says, do NOT have children with this guy. You will have kids who suffer emotional neglect and abandonment. They will grow up emotionally deprived. Not only do you have to listen to kids, but good parents have to actively listen so that they suss out clues about what the kid is really thinking and feeling. Kids hide all kinds of stuff from parents. He'd be a terrible father. To put this another way, your husband has low emotional intelligence. You've got more in this sense that at least you are feeling something. Complaining is actually far better than what he is doing, which is just hiding. You want to spend your life with a partner that just hides? What's the point?

The issue here isn't that he's a lousy listener. The issue here is that he is a emotionally flat and empty. And you keep wanting to insist that he can be otherwise. You want to bang your head against a brick wall. Sister, the wall of him and his limits is real. It's very real. 

My heart goes out to you. You might need to work on yourself to get out of this relationship. As I realized when I ended up with a bad partner, you did NOT get to this point by accident. You willfully got here. So this guy and all his weaknesses is a direct reflection on your own emotional weaknesses. Strengthen yourself and either he'll get off his butt or you'll leave him. But please, give up the goal of trying to make an elephant dance.

In fact, you're getting angry that the elephant cant elegantly dance. That's what you're doing. Hello?!!!!