Practicebeingmindful Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 41f divorced- Keep or let relationship go? While we were separated and still living together (before divorce), due to marital issues i (41f) started to pursue extramarital activities. Backstory: married 15 years, ExH (42m) had his own infidelity (affairs on business trips) that he went through during a midlife crisis a few years back, lack of love/affection and different love languages, disrespect, resentment on both of our parts. At that time and after I found out about his affairs, I agreed to counseling and we went to a marriage retreat. We were doing better but then he went back into his old ways- I felt ignored, isolated, and unattractive. So, I started to pursue extramarital activities. I came to a point where I was starving for affection and emotional connection. I ended up finding someone (40m) and we fell deeply for each other. He was also married with kids and going through a divorce. We were together almost 2 years now. I wanted to end the marriage due to not being happy NOT due to finding someone else...Knowing what I know now, I would have made different choices and in a different order. But I have accepted that it is what it is. Yes my actions have had major consequences. During this time that we were in limbo, My ExH found out through a series of hiring a PI, tapping into my phone, gps tracking , etc. my kids (15m, 11f, 8m) also found out that mom “had an affair” (and they also found out that their dad was previously unfaithful). He desperately wanted to find a reason to blame our marriage ending, so that he didn’t have to take any responsibility. After I moved out and the divorce was final, me and the guy continued to see each other. He and I connected and continued to connect on a deep level. More than I’ve ever experienced. But because my ExH and my kids have a tainted view, I feel that I had to end it. He is everything I want in a relationship and partner. He gets me, he’s my best friend, he’s my person. But I am putting my kids first so I have decided to end it. I Don’t want our future to be tainted. I don’t want my kids to cut me out of their life due to this man. It is really painful. Am I making the right decision? Will there be someone else that gets me? Part of me is scared to be alone. It’s so hard to be alone without someone holding me to sleep. Not receiving affection, not having someone checking in with me throughout the day. P.S. Yes, I’m in therapy and am working on getting my kids into counseling as well. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 I'd keep the new relationship, and I think the kids will come around. They already had their views tainted by their father, it seems, and that won't change with a new partner. So, keep the guy who is right for you and deal with the rest, because I expect you'll have to do that no matter whom you date in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 51 minutes ago, Practicebeingmindful said: ...So, I started to pursue extramarital activities. I came to a point where I was starving for affection and emotional connection. I ended up finding someone (40m) and we fell deeply for each other. He was also married with kids and going through a divorce. We were together almost 2 years now. @Practicebeingmindful is the other man divorced or still married? Link to post Share on other sites
NYAG Posted March 14, 2021 Share Posted March 14, 2021 I agree, keep the new relationship if you can go back to it. The kids may have been influenced by their father (I mean, he can talk!!!!!) but hopefully they will want to see your side of the story. Ending your relationship with the other chap will not stop your ex getting at you through your kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 There is no reason to end this this relationship if the man is single. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 No you are not making the right decision. You should not base your life on what your children think. This new relationship is your life, not theirs. At some point in the future when they move out and have their own relationships, they will be living their own life, they wont be basing their relationships on what you think, and rightly so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 We had another WW here not so long ago with the same issues father down the line. Her daughters are now adults with children and want absolutely nothing to do with her because she chose her AP over her family. We make decisions in life and have to live with the consequences. No one can say what you should do, just know that whichever direction you go there will be a cost. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 The justification for ending the new relationship makes no sense whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 I think you need some time before getting into a new relationship. Your children may need time to accept it as well. Your new man made need time as well. Just work on yourselves to learn how to be alone and allow your children time to be used to a one parent home. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicebeingmindful Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 19 hours ago, hajk said: @Practicebeingmindful is the other man divorced or still married? Divorced Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 (edited) I think you have made the right decision. You do need some time alone before getting into another relationship. It’s good that you are going to counselling, hope you can get some family counselling for/with your children too. Infidelity and divorce are two very traumatic things for children to experience in their home. No doubt, you have some healing to do with those relationships. I will say, if he is really your person and it is meant to be - he will wait for you. He will want you to take the time that you need to process the things you need to process and get your “house” in order. He will do this, because he loves you and it’s in your best interest and ... any future relationship you have with this man will have a much better chance of succeeding if you take the time that you need right now. If he doesn’t wait for you - well then, he wasn’t your person or the timing just wasn’t right. Such is life. Your first obligation is to your children. I have known people who have rushed into a new relationship/an affair turned relationship and it has forever changed that individuals relationship with their children, and not in a good way. I too remember that poster - years down the road, he wants to marry but she can’t because her daughter will not accept her affair partner/fiancé. It’s a hard place to be, you don’t want to find yourself in this situation so best to take the time to do right by your children now. Best wishes. Edited March 15, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Hi Practice, having read your OP I get the impression that you and your husband are incompatible to a very high degree. That being the case I would think that you made the right decision to divorce. The sad thing is that you entered into a relationship before your divorce was final which unnecessarily complicated matters all around. However, now that your divorce is through do not slide back into a toxic relationship with your ex husband. Also this affair or relationship you are pursuing with your OM seem more like a rebound one and is likely to fail within a short period of time. If you feel strongly about this person and your feelings are reciprocated, then take a break from the relationship and let things stabilize both in your life and his before you resume things with him. This will allow both of you to get over your past relationships and settle matters which may need to be resolved between you and your ex husband. At that point of time if your feelings for your OM are still strong and you are convinced that he I'd the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, then you may resume your relationship with him, assuming of course, that he is still equally interested in you. The saying "Act in haste SNF repent at leisure" still holds true for most things. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicebeingmindful Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 18 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I think you have made the right decision. You do need some time alone before getting into another relationship. It’s good that you are going to counselling, hope you can get some family counselling for/with your children too. Infidelity and divorce are two very traumatic things for children to experience in their home. No doubt, you have some healing to do with those relationships. I will say, if he is really your person and it is meant to be - he will wait for you. He will want you to take the time that you need to process the things you need to process and get your “house” in order. He will do this, because he loves you and it’s in your best interest and ... any future relationship you have with this man will have a much better chance of succeeding if you take the time that you need right now. If he doesn’t wait for you - well then, he wasn’t your person or the timing just wasn’t right. Such is life. Your first obligation is to your children. I have known people who have rushed into a new relationship/an affair turned relationship and it has forever changed that individuals relationship with their children, and not in a good way. I too remember that poster - years down the road, he wants to marry but she can’t because her daughter will not accept her affair partner/fiancé. It’s a hard place to be, you don’t want to find yourself in this situation so best to take the time to do right by your children now. Best wishes. Thank you so much. This is some of the most sound and reasonable advice I’ve gotten on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicebeingmindful Posted March 15, 2021 Author Share Posted March 15, 2021 7 minutes ago, Just a Guy said: Hi Practice, having read your OP I get the impression that you and your husband are incompatible to a very high degree. That being the case I would think that you made the right decision to divorce. The sad thing is that you entered into a relationship before your divorce was final which unnecessarily complicated matters all around. However, now that your divorce is through do not slide back into a toxic relationship with your ex husband. Also this affair or relationship you are pursuing with your OM seem more like a rebound one and is likely to fail within a short period of time. If you feel strongly about this person and your feelings are reciprocated, then take a break from the relationship and let things stabilize both in your life and his before you resume things with him. This will allow both of you to get over your past relationships and settle matters which may need to be resolved between you and your ex husband. At that point of time if your feelings for your OM are still strong and you are convinced that he I'd the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, then you may resume your relationship with him, assuming of course, that he is still equally interested in you. The saying "Act in haste SNF repent at leisure" still holds true for most things. Warm wishes. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time to provide input. Yes my relationship with my X was pretty toxic for awhile. I need to remind myself not to allow him to continue making me feel that same way. I do want to have a civil relationship for the sake of the kids though. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 15, 2021 Share Posted March 15, 2021 Given some time/space to process this, your kids might come around given the right tack in explaining to them. I agree with the suggestion to put things on pause for a while. Consider explaining that the new man did NOT break up your family (despite what xH says), that was going to happen anyhow, was between you and your x, and the new guy is/was a "symptom" not the disease, despite what your x may be saying. Or however you choose to explain it. They might understand and accept him, but there's certainly no guarantee. No harm in trying either most likely. If it's not him, it will (presumably) just be someone else in due course. Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) @Practicebeingmindful you might want to check out the following threads from another poster whose daughter refused to accept the poster's relationship with former affair partner. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/572069-4-years-laterboth-former-affair-partners-left-marriages-new-proposal/ https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/597419-need-support/?do=findComment&comment=7878080 Edited March 16, 2021 by hajk Link to post Share on other sites
hajk Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 (edited) Also, you might want to check out these older posts and replies. The original poster's daughters are estranged from her after she fell in love with her affair partner and left the marriage. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/126062-long-post-is-it-worth-having-kids/?do=findComment&comment=1510494 https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/126062-long-post-is-it-worth-having-kids/?do=findComment&comment=1510869 Edited March 16, 2021 by hajk Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicebeingmindful Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 12 hours ago, hajk said: @Practicebeingmindful you might want to check out the following threads from another poster whose daughter refused to accept the poster's relationship with former affair partner. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/572069-4-years-laterboth-former-affair-partners-left-marriages-new-proposal/ https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/597419-need-support/?do=findComment&comment=7878080 Wow thank you for providing these links. Something to think about. I don’t want to go down that road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicebeingmindful Posted March 16, 2021 Author Share Posted March 16, 2021 Update: so it’s been about 5 days since I decided to end the relationship and we haven’t seen each other. We did have 1 phone conversation where I attempted to provide a deeper explanation. He doesn’t understand. This is so hard, I’m in a lot of pain, but I’m trying to let my inner voice guide me. I hope I’m making the right decision. I hope I find someone one day who loves and gets me like he did. I wouldn’t be happy if the relationship with my kids was strained due to staying in this relationship. I also really do feel it’s important to have time to regain my identity and work on myself without anyone else. It’s not what my heart wants, but It’s what I need. I Hope I can continue to be strong enough to continue to not reach out to him. Please keep me in your thoughts And prayers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappilyMarried Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) I think @Practicebeingmindfulif you both are divorced and feel a special love and bond you should give it a chance and stay together. I think if you don't you will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if". I would set your kids down and explain to them that your marriage was already failing before you met your new love and that you never expected to find someone that you now feel this way towards and you are happier than you've been for years and that you need to continue to pursue this. Let them know that your love for them has never and will never change. Best of luck! Edited March 17, 2021 by HappilyMarried 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer2017 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Dear Practicebeingmindful, It is my opinion, the struggles you are having are based on your infidelity. While married to your husband, both of you were engaged in an extramarital affair. It wasn’t just your husband having an affair, It was also you!!! Yes, we understand the two of you are now divorced but the relationship was built on infidelity. I believe your moral compass has an issue with your relationship with your AP. It is my opinion you have made the right decision to separate. Take some time to “Do You” and only you. Find yourself before you enter into another relationship. Best, Dreamer 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Practicebeingmindful Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Dreamer2017 said: Dear Practicebeingmindful, It is my opinion, the struggles you are having are based on your infidelity. While married to your husband, both of you were engaged in an extramarital affair. It wasn’t just your husband having an affair, It was also you!!! Yes, we understand the two of you are now divorced but the relationship was built on infidelity. I believe your moral compass has an issue with your relationship with your AP. It is my opinion you have made the right decision to separate. Take some time to “Do You” and only you. Find yourself before you enter into another relationship. Best, Dreamer Thank you for your thoughtful and honest response. I think you are right about the moral compass. It took me a while to really try and listen to my subconscious and my intuition that was screaming at me from the inside. This is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do though. I’m constantly second-guessing myself but I’m putting 1 foot in front of the other to try and move forward on this new path without him. It’s taking a lot of strength and trust in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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