My sister is destroying her relationship with myself and mostly everyone around her

[aukonak]

My older sister and I are around ten years apart, and have been typically really close my entire life.  As I've gotten older though, I've seen a lot of the emotional issues she's had fester and deepen and create problems with us, our family, and in her other relationships.  We're not talking now, after I'd made an attempt to honor my own boundaries while she was throwing a fit, and I'm wondering what I should do, if I have to choose between my own boundaries and maintaining our relationship.

Our entire lives, she's been prone to pretty vicious meltdowns where she's impossible to deal with.  We've had nasty family blowouts over the years where she is ridiculously melodramatic and spiteful.  She went swimming in the ocean in her PJs in the middle of the night in her early 20s one winter night while our parents were fighting.  She got laid off from her job a year and a half ago for her behavior at work (she had frequent breakdowns), and has pushed everyone away who can't handle her tantrums.  She's always said that nobody can engage her when she's in that state, that she'll cool off on her own, and I've always felt like that's an unfair burden to put on people around you, especially those you care about who want to help.

A few years ago, she declared that she'd realized she's an HSP, "highly sensitive person" and an empath, and that it was the explanation for all of her issues, really effectively avoiding any real accountability for her behavior or what's causing it.  She's expressed 0 interest in therapy, saying traditional therapists won't be be able to relate to someone like her.  She regularly talks like she's on a level above the rest of us.  She's also been reacting to having felt like people took advantage of her and bullied her growing up, and is hypersensitive to any perceived slights, especially if it comes to any judgement or assessment of her intentions, etc.  Every time I've tried to tell her about the impact of all of this, she's either a) collapsed into an inconsolable, spiteful wreck saying how useless she is, or b) gone full-on defensive saying that we just don't understand her and paints herself as a victim.  In the recent fight that's led to us not talking, she claimed nobody had the right to guess or infer about her intentions behind throwing the tantrum she'd thrown (which was unfair and disproportionate to what was going on), and that people needed to just be accountable for when they said things that triggered her.

I've felt for a while that she should get professional help, that her recent hateful obsession with narcissists (and her labeling everyone who she thinks wrongs her as one) could be simply her projecting - she actually shows a lot of the signs of a covert/hypersensitive narcissist who's completely unwilling to accept responsibility, can't take criticism, and never takes accountability.  She throws her fits as a way to exert control or to be passive aggressive to folks who make her feel a certain way.  I just don't know what more to do at this point, and if I should just accept that she'll never change or that she doesn't care how this affects anyone, that she's too busy in fight-or-flight constantly honoring her own feelings.  In a recent email on it, I'd spilled my guts about how this all made me feel, how I wished she'd just communicate with me in a more healthy way, and I'd always be there for her - she responded by saying she wouldn't even read something implying she was wrong, effectively invalidating everything I said I felt and the hurt she'd caused all this time.

I'm wondering if anyone else out there has dealt with this with someone they care about, and if there's any way to help them actually want to get help when it's obvious to everyone but them that it's necessary.  

Edited March 15, 2021 by aukonak

[healing light]

Your sister sounds like she has a personality and/or mood disorder. Unfortunately, the old adage about being able to lead a horse to water but not being able to make it drink applies here, imo.

I think you are better served minimizing her toxicity in your life. You can't make her aware of what she doesn't want to see. When she faces the consequences of her behavior in a real way, even if it means her own flesh and blood no longer interacts with her, then maybe, just maybe, she might be inclined to get help. But I doubt it. 

[ShyViolet]

There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her or control her.  Unfortunately it sounds like she's chosen to refuse help and refuse to admit her problems.  If I were you, I would absolutely cut her out of my life, at least for now.  Maybe in the future, hopefully, she will come around and decide to actually get help, and maybe then you can have a relationship with her.  Do not allow a toxic relative to take a toll on your own well-being.  You have to take care of YOURSELF first.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped or who doesn't acknowledge there is a problem.  Learn more about tough love & boundaries.  As  hard as it is you may have to let her sink; right now she's an albatross around your neck & she will take you both down if you don't cut her lose.  

[vla1120]

I agree with others. You need to keep your boundaries intact. I find it ironic that she labels herself an empath. I think her behavior is pretty much the opposite of how an empath would normally behave. Her behavior DOES, however, remind me of my deceased husband, who was clinically diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He also considered himself sensitive and empathetic (he was anything but.) I was in therapy for a solid six years while trying to help him through his terminal illness while still maintaining my sanity. One thing my therapist had to drill into my head was that I simply could not reason with him, and I needed to stop trying. He was never going to put himself in my shoes or understand my point of view because the only point of view that existed was his. I feel that you are experiencing some of these same things with your sister. You can love her. You can have sympathy for her, but you need to keep your boundaries intact so that her negativity and toxicity does not bleed into your life and adversely affect you.

[aukonak]

I appreciate everyone's replies so far, and the support in keeping the boundaries in place.  The irony that she actually believes she's an empath isn't lost on me here, and things made so much more sense when I read that introverted/hypersensitive narcissists tend to be very good at reading others and at least coming off as sensitive to their feelings.  It makes it especially pernicious that she gets to give herself that HSP+empath label, which is typically diametrically opposed to narcissistic traits.

Do people with narcissistic traits ever really acknowledge they have a problem or seek help? It seems like their whole identity is built to avoid this fact, so it doesn't really bode well...I'd love to know if there are testimonials or support groups for recovering narcissists out there.

[vla1120]

10 minutes ago, aukonak said:

Do people with narcissistic traits ever really acknowledge they have a problem or seek help? It seems like their whole identity is built to avoid this fact, so it doesn't really bode well...I'd love to know if there are testimonials or support groups for recovering narcissists out there.

No. True narcissists (at least NPDs) never ackowledge that they have a problem. Every single little issue in their life is someone else's fault. Period. This was part of my problem for the first 5 years with him. I kept banging my head against the wall, trying different therapists, trying to reason with him, trying to get him to understand what he was doing to me, until I finally met the psychiatrist who diagnosed him and told me to stop trying to reason with him. That same psychiatrist also told me that no amount of therapy, no amount of medication would "cure" NPD. It was a disorder that would remain with him until the day he passed, and it did. I do believe there are different levels/types of narcissism that maybe COULD be treated with medication and therapy (?), but because he was diagnosed with a personality disorder, there was no cure.

While I am not sure about support groups for recovering narcissists, there ARE support groups for those who live with/have lived with narcissism. One of my therapists was so happy with the progress I finally made after I got it through my head that he wouldn't change, that he wanted me to start a support group for women narcissistic partners.

Edited March 15, 2021 by vla1120