Not Sure How I Can or Be Able to do This

[kunaka1000]

Hie There

I just recently broke up with up with my now ex, she is 32 and i am 27.I believe she was quite toxic in her ways and it was now affecting me. I'm currently having a hard time at the moment trying to move on, a part of me wants to fix things go back to how things were and part of me is scared of the loneliness i make going to feel, cause i know i will, foremost because since i recently moved to a new city and she has been the only one i was around and would travel to and it is really difficult for me to meet new people all my life. 

For the longest time in the relationship i would convince myself of how toxic it was and how she wasn't right for me, but previously when we would break up i could never brave myself for long till i fix things and we get back together, its been a cycle. For only 11 months we've been dating but the hardest of all my relationships to let go with one even as long as 5 years.

This past week, i was so sure and didn't even want to spend any time with her, now i'm feeling lost unsure, confused even hurting inside

I don't know if there is anyone that has experienced this any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edited March 15, 2021 by kunaka1000

[d0nnivain]

If you have broken up before  this relationship was dysfunctional.  You say she's toxic.  Assuming both of those things are true, going back to something that wasn't working is the worst thing you can do. 

Meeting new people & combating loneliness in a pandemic is going to be tough but it can be done.  Reach back out to your old network of friends & family.  Zoom or facetime with someone every day.  Develop an exercise routine.  You need movement to keep up good endorphins.  Work more if that is an option.  Pick up a side hustle:  shopping services & home delivery of take out services are all begging for help, as are many retailers.  The extra money would be sweet too.  Restart an old hobby or invest in a new one.  Read more.  Take an on line class doing something that interests you.  There are free ones out there.  Volunteer somewhere.  Food banks need help & many drive in vaccine centers need people to direct traffic. The key to combatting loneliness is to keep busy.   Fear of loneliness is no reason to go back to a toxic dysfunctional relationship.  

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

It is normal for you to feel these feelings. In fact, the toxicity of the relationship might amplify these feelings, by quite possibly lending it a certain intensity, the up-and-down yoyo that many people feel drawn to (I know I do).

I would say sit with these feelings for now. In all likelihood they will soon dissipate, and when in doubt trust the version of you that was in the relationship and wishing to end it; that person probably had a more reasoned judgment than you have now.

If you still feel this way a month or longer down the line, well, who am I to say not to try again. But give yourself time, and be aware that in almost all cases, trying again results in almost immediate and even more painful failure as both partners realize there were very good reasons to break up indeed. You are in the advantageous position to remember these reasons quite well; have you tried talking to friends? When you do, recall specifically the times that showed you clearly how dysfunctional the relationship was, the times in which you suffered - not the good times. You can also write them down in a journal, in my experience the important part is that you really narrate them. This will help your mind, which is currently focused on the good times, change tracks.

You didn't decide to leave on a whim, you sound like you fought a long battle with yourself and finally came to the conclusion you would be better off alone. Sit with this for now.

Edited March 15, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships indicate incompatibility and instability. You may be attached which is why you get back on the roller coaster, but overall there are multiple unresolved issues and poor communication and conflict resolution skills.

Step way back, reflect and decide if this kind of drama is what you want. Keep in mind each breakup further erodes things. You can cut your losses now or wait until you are so burned out from this you'll have trouble trusting or dating anyone in the future.

If she cites her mental health as the issue behind her constantly hurting and dumping you, let her go to doctors and therapists. Stay away this time. Stop trying to fix her.

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Keep in mind each breakup further erodes things. You can cut your losses now or wait until you are so burned out from this you'll have trouble trusting or dating anyone in the future.

True words IMO. Going through one breakup is bad enough; going through several with the same person is excruciating, can make you turn cynical and bitter in the end and complicates recovery by a ton.

[kunaka1000]

On 3/15/2021 at 3:51 PM, d0nnivain said:

If you have broken up before  this relationship was dysfunctional.  You say she's toxic.  Assuming both of those things are true, going back to something that wasn't working is the worst thing you can do. 

Meeting new people & combating loneliness in a pandemic is going to be tough but it can be done.  Reach back out to your old network of friends & family.  Zoom or facetime with someone every day.  Develop an exercise routine.  You need movement to keep up good endorphins.  Work more if that is an option.  Pick up a side hustle:  shopping services & home delivery of take out services are all begging for help, as are many retailers.  The extra money would be sweet too.  Restart an old hobby or invest in a new one.  Read more.  Take an on line class doing something that interests you.  There are free ones out there.  Volunteer somewhere.  Food banks need help & many drive in vaccine centers need people to direct traffic. The key to combatting loneliness is to keep busy.   Fear of loneliness is no reason to go back to a toxic dysfunctional relationship.  

@d0nnivain, thank you, i will try my best to find something to distract myself, iv wanted for a long time to join this tennis club close, maybe this the opportunity to do so, meet new people in the process.

 

On 3/15/2021 at 3:56 PM, StoryOfMyLifeYes said:

It is normal for you to feel these feelings. In fact, the toxicity of the relationship might amplify these feelings, by quite possibly lending it a certain intensity, the up-and-down yoyo that many people feel drawn to (I know I do).

I would say sit with these feelings for now. In all likelihood they will soon dissipate, and when in doubt trust the version of you that was in the relationship and wishing to end it; that person probably had a more reasoned judgment than you have now.

If you still feel this way a month or longer down the line, well, who am I to say not to try again. But give yourself time, and be aware that in almost all cases, trying again results in almost immediate and even more painful failure as both partners realize there were very good reasons to break up indeed. You are in the advantageous position to remember these reasons quite well; have you tried talking to friends? When you do, recall specifically the times that showed you clearly how dysfunctional the relationship was, the times in which you suffered - not the good times. You can also write them down in a journal, in my experience the important part is that you really narrate them. This will help your mind, which is currently focused on the good times, change tracks.

You didn't decide to leave on a whim, you sound like you fought a long battle with yourself and finally came to the conclusion you would be better off alone. Sit with this for now.

@StoryOfMyLifeYes , thank you, i'm trying to listen to that me that wanted to move on, convincing of myself of why, trying more so every time these voices come in my head just wanting me to call her and fix things. today has been hard i find myself in those moment maybe you could work out, maybe you could fix things , what about your anniversary coming up but im trying to be strong.

On 3/15/2021 at 8:27 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. On/off relationships indicate incompatibility and instability. You may be attached which is why you get back on the roller coaster, but overall there are multiple unresolved issues and poor communication and conflict resolution skills.

Step way back, reflect and decide if this kind of drama is what you want. Keep in mind each breakup further erodes things. You can cut your losses now or wait until you are so burned out from this you'll have trouble trusting or dating anyone in the future.

If she cites her mental health as the issue behind her constantly hurting and dumping you, let her go to doctors and therapists. Stay away this time. Stop trying to fix her.

@Wiseman2,  thank you, that's exactly the cycle i want to break free from, it not a good feeling to always have to deal with breaking up sometimes over little things, walking on egg shell's because you don't want to be in position like this.

She has depression and lost her both her parents over a year now, i used to use it as an excuse for her behavior and would want to be there for her but its damaging mentally and physically.

She is someone that somehow thinks the world revolves around her, if she thinks something is correct, then that's how the world should see it too, and she is like that even with family, if an extended family member even if friends upsets her or opposes her, why arent they taking my side, immediately she says she's going to cut them off. Same thing she does in our relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Joining the tennis club sounds like a great plan!