Why is it that most of the women who are perfect for a monogamous relationship don't want one?

[cyphorX]

5 hours ago, SpecialJ said:

@cyphorX, the change may also have to do with the fact that people tend to get less insecure with age. People who may be more insecure or have insecure attachment styles and spottier self-esteem can be more likely to lose the clothes faster and rush into intimacy to keep someone around, get validation, plenty of reasons. Someone older who may be divorced or have had several relationships not work out may have taken the time to realize that instant attraction didn't bring them what they wanted and either want to get to know someone better for the other reasons I listed earlier (fuller life, know what they want, takes more to want to invest in a commitment) or because they got hurt often, don't trust their "pickers" and feel gun shy. 

 

Personally, I slowed down some when I got really serious and sure about the kind of partner I was looking for, because I wanted to know someone first which takes a minute. It didn't mean I was lukewarm at all, I just wasn't rushing into a relationship based on quick chemistry. Some men didn't believe me and assumed I was lukewarm. Which was fine, if they made assumptions about what I wanted because they wanted to read into something their way instead of actually listening to me, it meant we weren't compatible. 

 

If a woman says she wants to go a bit slow and isn't just obviously stringing you along to spend your money on taking her out on very expensive dates, I say that doesn't mean she's not worth getting to know better over at least a few dates. As long as she's consistent, meaning responsive, talking to you between dates, seeing you regularly enough to actually get to know you, and saying she wants to keep seeing you, she's interested. If she's not looking to be exclusive within a couple or few months down, though, it's probably best to move on. Sounds like it's not your preferred speed, but maybe it'll be less frustrating if you aren't assuming it means she's lukewarm. 

 

I still think you'll ultimately find what you want, you're just looking at a small and specific pool (and one less likely to be on dating sites) so it's taking a while. 

   it stresses me to be into someone and not being sure if they are into me I would rather just be rejected, as far as getting to know someone I scan for clues from the moment I meet them also with online dating I actually read profiles and tend to only respond to profiles where the woman states her hobbies & interests their tastes in media etc etc etc...

 That's another part of dating that gets harder as you get older, most people stop wearing the uniforms of their tribe lol, in our 20's I could spot a girl who liked the same music as me by her MisFits concert shirt lol but now you have women who dress like boring soccer moms who blast " the sex pistol's" in their minivan on the way to whole foods. so it's harder to instantly spot women who are my type, the exception being women who work in fields that don't have a dress code.  

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Do you live in a fairly big city or in a small town? 

After how many dates you expect a woman to 'drop' her clothes?

I agree with what @SpecialJ said, you're fishing in a different age pool now. By late 40s and 50s women have dropped their clothes early plenty of times by then and most of the time it didn't bring them the relationship they were hoping for. They try to date slower and wiser. 

I live in the 13th largest city in America, though it has a small town feel because everything is so spread out.

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, cyphorX said:

   it stresses me to be into someone and not being sure if they are into me I would rather just be rejected, as far as getting to know someone I scan for clues from the moment I meet them also with online dating I actually read profiles and tend to only respond to profiles where the woman states her hobbies & interests their tastes in media etc etc etc...

 That's another part of dating that gets harder as you get older, most people stop wearing the uniforms of their tribe lol, in our 20's I could spot a girl who liked the same music as me by her MisFits concert shirt lol but now you have women who dress like boring soccer moms who blast " the sex pistol's" in their minivan on the way to whole foods. so it's harder to instantly spot women who are my type, the exception being women who work in fields that don't have a dress code.  

I live in the 13th largest city in America, though it has a small town feel because everything is so spread out.

But you see, this is a stress that you're putting on yourself, when you're saying that there has to be an expectation of a long term relationship right off the bat.  You're skippng those first few steps where you are just in the moment and enjoying getting to know the other person, so you have to be able to tell right off the bat, which is very difficult.  If you were comfortable dating multiple women at the same time (not saying you're having sex with them, but just seeing them socially) this wouldn't be an issue.

If dating causally is preheating the oven and waiting for a proper suitable environment to bake a great dish, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat is sticking a hot pocket in a microwave, and sometimes the middle is still frozen when you take it out.  It's trying to cheat the process and that works against you often times. 

Frankly, if you're not getting married or having kids, I don't know why you're in such a rush.  

Edited March 18, 2021 by dramafreezone

[cyphorX]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

But you see, this is a stress that you're putting on yourself, when you're saying that there has to be an expectation of a long term relationship right off the bat.  You're skippng those first few steps where you are just in the moment and enjoying getting to know the other person, so you have to be able to tell right off the bat, which is very difficult.  If you were comfortable dating multiple women at the same time (not saying you're having sex with them, but just seeing them socially) this wouldn't be an issue.

If dating causally is preheating the oven and waiting for a proper suitable environment to bake a great dish, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat is sticking a hot pocket in a microwave, and sometimes the middle is still frozen when you take it out.  It's trying to cheat the process and that works against you often times. 

Frankly, if you're not getting married or having kids, I don't know why you're in such a rush.  

 Because I'm 50 lol I'm at an age where I can sense my own mortality, I'm healthy now and may be healthy for the next 20 or so years as I work out and cycle 25+ miles every other night BUT I may also start having health problems in the next 10 years do to genetics I don't know...

So I want to find my "forever love" while I am still healthy and can enjoy it.  before I reach a point where it takes all night to do what I can now do all night lol

Also I just don't feel right dating multiple people as I don't like hurting people, what if one I did not pick had their hopes up while the one I did pick I learn later I was her second choice?  usually when I have multiple options they are usually close enough in desirability that my choice came down to some very slight difference one may have just been having a better day when I met them. 

 Also I believe it's more honorable to choose based or their own merits, not on comparison to 6 other people, to me that's not fair.

[Gaeta]

34 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If dating causally is preheating the oven and waiting for a proper suitable environment to bake a great dish, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat is sticking a hot pocket in a microwave, and sometimes the middle is still frozen when you take it out.  It's trying to cheat the process and that works against you often times. 

I think you just changed my mind about how I viewed dating for a long term goal. 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

 Because I'm 50 lol

I feel pressure because of my age as well but think of it this way. You do it wrong at 50 so you have to start over again at 55, or you do it nice and slow and it last till your last breath. 

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, cyphorX said:

 Because I'm 50 lol I'm at an age where I can sense my own mortality, I'm healthy now and may be healthy for the next 20 or so years as I work out and cycle 25+ miles every other night BUT I may also start having health problems in the next 10 years do to genetics I don't know...

So I want to find my "forever love" while I am still healthy and can enjoy it.  before I reach a point where it takes all night to do what I can now do all night lol

Also I just don't feel right dating multiple people as I don't like hurting people, what if one I did not pick had their hopes up while the one I did pick I learn later I was her second choice?  usually when I have multiple options they are usually close enough in desirability that my choice came down to some very slight difference one may have just been having a better day when I met them. 

 Also I believe it's more honorable to choose based or their own merits, not on comparison to 6 other people, to me that's not fair.

I'm 41 so not that much younger than you.  I don't think this is an age thing.

I think we just fundamentally seee the world differently which accounts for the disconnect here.  I don't believe in a "forever love" or what other people call "the one."  I think that there are several women that could fit into that role.   8 billion people in the world and there's only one person for us?  That's just impossible odds.

Women are not these delicate little angels.😄They're adults, they can make ttheir own choices and respect yours if you do it in a respectful manner.  It's actually the norm for women to date two or threee men these days if they're not in a relationship so that's weird that you see it as dishonorable for you to do it.  It'll be rare for you to find a single woman that's not dating anyone.  Like I said it seems like you're a bit out of touch with today's dating landscape. 

[cyphorX]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm 41 so not that much younger than you.  I don't think this is an age thing.

I think we just fundamentally seee the world differently which accounts for the disconnect here.  I don't believe in a "forever love" or what other people call "the one."  I think that there are several women that could fit into that role.   8 billion people in the world and there's only one person for us?  That's just impossible odds.

Women are not these delicate little angels.😄They're adults, they can make ttheir own choices and respect yours if you do it in a respectful manner.  It's actually the norm for women to date two or threee men these days if they're not in a relationship so that's weird that you see it as dishonorable for you to do it.  It'll be rare for you to find a single woman that's not dating anyone.  Like I said it seems like you're a bit out of touch with today's dating landscape. 

 We agree there, I hate today's dating landscape the best I can do is seek out women I'm MORE LIKELY to be compatible with.  and yes I agree there is no such thing as "the one" but for me maybe there is maybe one in 200 women looking for the same type of relationship, who I would find attractive, who would also find me attractive, who also has a lifestyle that does not take away from the relationship, who lives in my city,  .  well I live in a large city so realistically there are 100's of compatible women in my city but they are such a minority that the odds of me finding one of them and them being single when I meet them are minimal so I can't waste time on women with obvious incompatibilities.  I have to hyper-focus on the ones that atleast have a good starting point. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, cyphorX said:

 for me maybe there is maybe one in 200 women looking for the same type of relationship, who I would find attractive, who would also find me attractive, who also has a lifestyle that does not take away from the relationship, who lives in my city,

I was just reading an article and they said that type of thinking is what keeps people from finding someone. 

There are a lot of statistics on online dating now that's been out there for several years. 

The couples who met online and had the most in common ended up not lasting in time. The couples that had 2-3 things in common no more, lasted longer. 

They also said people with long list of requirements actually do not need most of those and more the list of requirements is long more you are afraid of getting hurt and afraid of taking a chance. 

Maybe it's time to think outside the box.

[cyphorX]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I was just reading an article and they said that type of thinking is what keeps people from finding someone. 

There are a lot of statistics on online dating now that's been out there for several years. 

The couples who met online and had the most in common ended up not lasting in time. The couples that had 2-3 things in common no more, lasted longer. 

They also said people with long list of requirements actually do not need most of those and more the list of requirements is long more you are afraid of getting hurt and afraid of taking a chance. 

Maybe it's time to think outside the box.

 I have never understood that, not saying your wrong because I've read some of those studies also,  but my happiest relationships were with women I had most things in common with(as there was almost no conflict or disagreements) and in one case I was dumped with the excuse "we are too much alike" which I always thought was stupid as we up until that statement never had any drama it was just smooth sailing. hell even our cd(music)/DvD(movie) collection was like 96% identical when we met.  We even liked about 80% of the same foods, if not for the 5 year age difference we would have met in the mid or late 80's as we ran in the same circles but she was married and popped out her first kid and off the scene when I was turning 18 and just started going to those places so we never ran into each other then, instead we met when I was 31 and she was 35 about to be 36. 

Edited March 18, 2021 by cyphorX

[NYAG]

On 3/17/2021 at 8:16 PM, Gaeta said:

If you are single I would not call them successful. They failed. Even if they lasted a while in time, they still failed. Probably because they started with fireworks and we know what happens to fireworks. I don't know your age but I think you're mature enough to understand that fireworks are not something you build a lasting relationship on. 

A successful relationship isn't necessarily one that lasts forever. A successful relationship can last a couple of years. If it's a positive experience and it helps you get to the next and even better relationship or even just helps you realign what you that, that is still a success.

[Trail Blazer]

Dude, just date the one's who say they're not looking for anything serious.  If you're good enough, she'll change her criteria. 😉

[dramafreezone]

17 hours ago, cyphorX said:

 I have never understood that, not saying your wrong because I've read some of those studies also,  but my happiest relationships were with women I had most things in common with(as there was almost no conflict or disagreements) and in one case I was dumped with the excuse "we are too much alike" which I always thought was stupid as we up until that statement never had any drama it was just smooth sailing. hell even our cd(music)/DvD(movie) collection was like 96% identical when we met.  We even liked about 80% of the same foods, if not for the 5 year age difference we would have met in the mid or late 80's as we ran in the same circles but she was married and popped out her first kid and off the scene when I was turning 18 and just started going to those places so we never ran into each other then, instead we met when I was 31 and she was 35 about to be 36. 

You have to understand somethiing, we actually fall in love with our eyes first.  The brain then maps onto this person all of the rational reasons to account for why we like them.   If it were all about common interests then theoretically you could fall in love with the person via OLD before even meeting them.

As far as being dumped because you're too much alike, I think you have to just take reasons why she breaks up with you with a grain of salt.  They'll just say whatever they have to to make you feel good about yourself while also conveying that they don't ever want to date you again.  Quite the magic trick.

We're drawn to people for one of two reasons, because we see ourselves in them, or they have a quality that we lack and we want to be close to it.  I think a mixture of the two is ideal, so yes I could see some truth itnto being too much like a partner as not ideal.

Quote

We agree there, I hate today's dating landscape the best I can do is seek out women I'm MORE LIKELY to be compatible with.  and yes I agree there is no such thing as "the one" but for me maybe there is maybe one in 200 women looking for the same type of relationship, who I would find attractive, who would also find me attractive, who also has a lifestyle that does not take away from the relationship, who lives in my city,  .  well I live in a large city so realistically there are 100's of compatible women in my city but they are such a minority that the odds of me finding one of them and them being single when I meet them are minimal so I can't waste time on women with obvious incompatibilities.  I have to hyper-focus on the ones that atleast have a good starting point. 

I can appreciate you approaching this from an analytical standpoint.  I used to think like you actually, but I just don't think it works that way.  It's not really about common interests.  That's just a trick your brain plays on you.  It's really about that chemistry, the back and fourth, the fact that you two just intuitively know what gets the other going.  None of that is really going to be represented by common interests.  For instance, I could have 100% common interests with a woman, but if she has my same reserved personality it's not going to work.  I tend to pair well with women that talk a ton.  If you can search Brenda Song on youtube and listen to an interview and how she talks and talks and that type of energetic personality that seems to be non-stop, that's what I like.

Edited March 19, 2021 by dramafreezone

[SpecialJ]

On 3/18/2021 at 7:57 AM, cyphorX said:

   it stresses me to be into someone and not being sure if they are into me I would rather just be rejected, as far as getting to know someone I scan for clues from the moment I meet them

I used to be in the same boat (and it was related to having an anxious insecure attachment style, which I then dealt with on my own). The problem I've found is that if you feel the need to scan for clues, then there's game-playing going on. Not intentionally, but either you're finding women who aren't communicating well or not being upfront about where you stand (so they're a bad fit for you) or you're going into self-preservation mode trying to feel like you have control over things instead of relaxing and getting to know the person (which based on what you said about your background seems more likely). You're projecting your expectations so that if they're not met in just the way you expect, it feels like inconsistency and it's stressful. 

Going slower and even multi-dating doesn't necessarily mean lack of interest or sex with multiple people. Sure, it can, but it usually doesn't if a woman says from the outset she is looking for serious not casual. Even if I was going on dates with more than one person and multi dating, I was never physical (even kissing) with more than one person at a time, and if there was a real connection forming with someone then my going on first or second dates with other guys didn't distract me from it. It just allowed me to pace myself better and actually not have a scarcity mentality or let anxiety screw up something promising. It had nothing to do with feeling people were interchangeable and everything to do with giving someone time to show me who they are (and that they're consistent) before I decided to commit. And again, I'd even say I was interested, trying to eliminate any need for "scanning for clues," but there were guys who didn't believe me because I wasn't following their blueprint.

 

I didn't like inconsistency or guessing or game-playing. But I'd let the guy show me who he was first and wouldn't approach it with distrust or assuming anything about where we were going at the beginning. That got easier for me when I shifted my own attitude to, it's just a date and if it doesn't work out, I'm comfortable single on my own too so it's no reflection on me or bother either way. I had to trust myself more and feel comfortable being alone and not have that scarcity mentality before I could make room to do this. But once I did, as I said, dating got way less stressful, frustrating, confusing, and I started attracting the kind of partners I actually wanted instead of, at least in my case for lack of a better term, f*ckbois lol. But that was on me not them, I kept choosing them!
 

 

I also can't be sure I'm into you for actual commitment if I don't actually know you yet, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in finding out or I don't like you -- it just means let's commit when we know it's based on a real connection and not possibly fleeting honeymoon attraction. I don't think I ever went out with someone more than 3 times either before deciding if my interest was solid enough to keep going, and usually I decided after date 1 or 2 if it was a no. So I still don't think you need to worry about an emotionally mature woman wasting much of your time on ambiguity. 

 

I know some people want instant sparks only and so this approach won't work for them. It might even feel boring. But for what you're looking for in your age group, it's worth considering. As another poster said, better to take a bit of time to find your compatible person at 50 then rush and be looking again at 55.