Breadcrumbs? what do I do?

[Positiveone]

Its been 5 months since breakup. I tried to reconcile with her a few times but her decision remained the same. I went NC.

 

3 days ago her dad reached out to me and politely asked if I wanted to get my box of things back and If I was doing well, I replied " Hey,  hope you are doing well. You can throw everything away or take it to goodwill. Thanks for the reminder!"

yesterday my ex reached out for the first time in 5 months and said " Hey, I know it’s been a while. My dad mentioned that he reached out to you about your boxes we have. He said you told him to throw it out, but you’ve got some nice stuff in there I would hate for you to not get your things back! There are a nice pair of brand named sunglasses, you also had some nice workout shirts and even t shirts. I also had a folder of your paper work & some old mail. Basically a bunch of stuff, are you sure you want them to throw it away? "

 

I replied with: " Thanks for double checking with me. I’m okay with everything being thrown away or taken to goodwill "

 

She replied : Of course, hope you’ve been doing well!

 

My final reply was : " Sorry it took me some time to respond, I had an interview this morning and I was preparing for it.

While I love that I’m hearing from you, talking about anything other than starting a fresh/new chapter in life together like we spoke about on the phone, is still hard. If it’s anything other than doing that together, then I need to continue focusing on myself.

That’s the reason I asked for everything to be tossed or donated, because it would be hard to see you and your family" 

 

 

----- 

 

My question is, why did she want to reach out on her own when I already gave her dad the answer he needed?

I felt that this may have been a breadcrumb and I replied as such, no interest in talking unless you want to reconcile.

 

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

She cared about the stuff & the financial costs to replace same.  It was polite.  It was not an indication that she wanted to reconcile. 

You made your position known that you want them to dispose of the stuff.  

Go back to NC with a clear conscious.  

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

I agree, the reason she reached out was merely that "throw it out" sounds like an extreme answer and she was incredulous. It wasn't breadcrumbs or anything like that.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Positiveone said:

My final reply was : " Sorry it took me some time to respond, I had an interview this morning and I was preparing for it.

While I love that I’m hearing from you, talking about anything other than starting a fresh/new chapter in life together like we spoke about on the phone, is still hard. If it’s anything other than doing that together, then I need to continue focusing on myself.

Ok you both said what you needed/wanted to say. Now you can clock her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

It's not her job to assure you stay no contact, it's yours. Once you let go, you won't be in limbo like this .

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Positiveone said:

My question is, why did she want to reach out on her own when I already gave her dad the answer he needed?

I felt that this may have been a breadcrumb and I replied as such, no interest in talking unless you want to reconcile.

Why do people, men specifically tend to read so much sh$t into the innocuous things their ex’s do after splitting?

This was not her “breadcrumbing” you or any other attempt to hurt you, play you or whatever else you’re thinking it means.

She was being polite and concerned about your things, and after five months, thought you might be open to having a civil conversation about it.

>>… talking about anything other than starting a fresh/new chapter in life together like we spoke about on the phone, is still hard. If it’s anything other than doing that together, then I need to continue focusing on myself.

Was that really necessary?  What you did there was confirm to her why she broke up with you in the first place.

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Was that really necessary?  What you did there was confirm to her why she broke up with you in the first place.

Eh, I wouldn't beat myself up over it. I don't think it was the right response, either, for your own sake, because it shows clearly that you're still hanging on to the pointless thought of you two being together again, and you should disengage from it and forget her. Saying that could only have reinforced the clinging-on of your mind. But you said what you said, you felt the need to say it at the time, and it doesn't really matter what it confirmed to her or not, so just move on from that and don't ruminate over the whole episode anymore. Focus on yourself.

Edited March 16, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

. Now you can clock her and all her people 

Sorry about that . Supposed to be "block her" . Gotta love autocorrect.

[Acacia98]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Why do people, men specifically tend to read so much sh$t into the innocuous things their ex’s do after splitting?

This was not her “breadcrumbing” you or any other attempt to hurt you, play you or whatever else you’re thinking it means.

She was being polite and concerned about your things, and after five months, thought you might be open to having a civil conversation about it.

Is it really a man thing or a person-still-in-pain-after-being-dumped-who-wants-to-be-left-alone thing?

Perhaps he overreacted. Or perhaps he's doing what he needs to do to protect his boundaries because the pain is still raw and talking to her sets him back tremendously.

If I were her, I would have respected the answer he gave my father and left it alone. Alternatively, I would have made sure the very first message my father sent clarified exactly what was in the boxes so that, if he said no, there wouldn't be a need for a follow-up email.

Edited March 16, 2021 by Acacia98

[TeddyBundy1993]

This wasn't breadcrumbs. It's understandable that you are still hurt and haven't given up hopes of reconciliation this is why No contact is needed bcz each and every action by ex seems like they wanna reconcile or so.  You have a lot to do to move on pal. It takes time. She's done for good. Stay away from her. Keep strict NC 

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, StoryOfMyLifeYes said:

But you said what you said, you felt the need to say it at the time, and it doesn't really matter what it confirmed to her or not, so just move on from that and don't ruminate over the whole episode anymore. Focus on yourself.

I agree and disagree😳.

When someone intentionally and maliciously hurts us, wrongs us, I wholeheartedly believe in speaking your piece.  Not to shame them or teach them any sort of lesson, but for you.  Keeping negative feelings bottled up isnt healthy. 

It can provide closure and finality and, well, sometimes it just makes us feel better.  And you're right, who gives a f what they think about it, we do it for ourselves and no one else.  Then we move on

That's not what happened here.  His ex wasn't intentionally or maliciously out to hurt him, play him, "breadcrumb" him.

She reached out in politeness, in kindness, concerned about his things, a few of which were sentimental to him.  Or so she thought. 

I've done same in the past only to be met with distrust, resentment, an underlying anger, butt hurt, same as what OP displayed here, which caused me to lose total respect.  

My question to the OP, did saying all that make you feel better?  Did it bring you a sense of closure, of peace? 

Will you be able to move on now?

If so, fabulous, but somehow I don't think so.

What you said reflected bitterness and resentment toward her.  Distrust in believing she was somehow playing you, "breadcrumbing."

If your goal was reconciliation at some point, you just stuck a knife into it and killed.

I'm sorry your relationship ended and you got hurt.  

Instead of resenting her and feeling bitter, look within and determine what mistakes you made that led to its demise and strive to do better next time.

It takes two after all, to make a relationship and break it.

Good luck moving forward.

 

 

 

Edited March 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[StoryOfMyLifeYes]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree and disagree😳.

When someone intentionally and maliciously hurts us, wrongs us, I wholeheartedly believe in speaking your piece.  Not to shame them or teach them any sort of lesson, but for you.  Keeping negative feelings bottled up isnt healthy. 

It can provide closure and finality and, well, sometimes it just makes us feel better.  And you're right, who gives a f what they think about it, we do it for ourselves and no one else.  Then we move on

That's not what happened here.  His ex wasn't intentionally or maliciously out to hurt him, play him, "breadcrumb" him.

She reached out in politeness, in kindness, concerned about his things, a few of which were sentimental to him.  Or so she thought. 

I've done same in the past only to be met with distrust, resentment, an underlying anger, butt hurt, same as what OP displayed here.

My question to the OP, did saying all that make you feel better?  Did it bring you a sense of closure, of peace? 

Will you be able to move on now?

If so, fabulous, but somehow I don't think so.

What you said reflected bitterness and resentment toward her.  If your goal was reconciliation at some point, you just stuck a knife into and killed.

Hmmm, I don't necessarily disagree with you, I just don't think, based on what OP wrote, that it's unforgivable or something to beat yourself up over too much. While it sounds somewhat bitter and was unnecessary to me it feels like it still falls into the "things we say in turmoil" category. It wasn't abusive or insulting, it sounds snappy but honestly if I got a response like that I wouldn't think much of it. You gotta be able to forgive yourself for stuff like that at one point, too.

Edited March 16, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes

[poppyfields]

@StoryOfMyLifeYes I agree, I don't think he should beat himself up either.  He said it, what's done is done.

All I'm suggesting is reflect on it, introspect.  Determine why it is you reacted the way you did, after 5 months. Where those negative feelings stem from.

It's something I always strive to do when a relationship ends, whether I was the dumper or dumpee.

Its helped me a lot, to learn, gain closure and doing things better next time.  For next relationship.

That's all.

 

 

[Miss Peach]

I don't think it was a breadcrumb. When people break up it doesn't mean this just stop caring about others. My guess is exactly what she said - you had nice stuff in there and wanted to make sure. She probably broke nc because at 5 months I would hope someone would have moved on enough to be civil at least and didn't want to be mean by throwing away nice things. If you had left something small in there like under $10 I bet she wouldn't have.