Am I wrong? Kind of long but need answers!

[BlinkMyEye]

My husband and I have been married almost 8 years and been together almost 16 years.We dated (nothing serious) when we were 13-14 years old for maybe 2-3 months. Now this the thing, after the break up at 13-14 years old I would go on to live my little life. I start back dating other people 6 months to a year after the break up. Then continue to date other people  until my 12 grade year in hs is when we got back together. We dated continually for 5 years and got married in the 6 year. Now this question, am I wrong for dating those other people after a break up that happened at 13-14 and then full circle back to my first bf? I’m asking this bc my hubby thinks he should have been  my one and only bf I ever had and that I made him suffer those years we weren’t together. Just a reminder we didn’t end on bad terms so I don’t know why he felt that I made him suffer. This situation is the reason why we are not getting along NOW. And truth be told I think he wants to walk away. What should I do?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. This innane digging into you about things you did as a kid and a past can't be changed...is a symptom of a much larger problem.

Is he abusive in other ways? Does he usually put you down and guilt trip you like this?

Is he having affairs and trying to deflect blame?

Does he have a drinking problem and starts to pontificate about this  nonsense when drunk,?

Privately and confidentiality talk to a therapist about what is going on and why he is gaslighting and guilt tripping you like this.

Check your bank accounts, credit score, credit cards etc. for unexplained expenses, such as keeping a mistress.

That may be why he has you chewing on this invented and nonmodifiable "issue".

Edited March 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BlinkMyEye]

He guilt trips me, threatened to leave ,verbally abusing every day. He makes me feel low and unwanted. I’m walking on eggshells everyday bc I might answer a question wrong or I might trigger him with what I answered. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BlinkMyEye said:

 I’m walking on eggshells everyday bc I might answer a question wrong or I might trigger him with what I answered. 

Privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney and a therapist. Do not tell him.

Is divorce allowed in your culture/country? Was this an arranged marriage?

Do not engage him in conversations. Simple yes/no answers and bland household talk.

Do not defend yourself. Change the subject. For example if he starts grilling you, say 'do we need more toilet paper?' Then leave the room or house.

Do not threaten to leave. Instead tell trusted friends and family the truth. Develop a plan to exit.

Read up on abusive relationships and get information and help to exit.

Edited March 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[bananatree]

Were you wrong to have other boyfriends AS A CHILD after you dated your husband when you were A CHILD?  This question is almost too absurd.  With what you disclosed about the abuse, it seems like your husband is an impossible person.  You should not have to live with this kind of torment. I hope you find peace.

[Crazelnut]

Your husband is being unreasonable. Ridiculous, even. He's treating you terribly!

[d0nnivain]

Very few people marry the person they "dated" when they were twelve.  Very few people marry their HS sweetheart.  You two got back together after you grew up a little.  Your husband didn't grow up enough if he's holding a grudge at what you did from ages 12 to 18.  He needs to get over it.  Start by telling him that if you hadn't had that time apart you probably wouldn't be married now.  

[BlinkMyEye]

Ok you guys going to give a little back story bc, I strongly agree with most of your comments and I just want a little more conformation for myself. 
 

So like the first post said we dated around 13-14 years old broke up maybe 2-3 months later , I went on to live my life ,and didn’t get back together until my sr year in hs . Now these people that I dated  after we broke up were people that i didn’t know at the he had issues with. Meaning they were guys from the same community and are related. I had no idea of this at the time and didn’t know until years later. These people that I dated basically seen he daily and would kind of tease and say things that weren’t nice about our dealings to get under his skin. He didn’t take to kindly to the remarks they would make and holds those feelings he had back then against me NOW. A little tmi, I NEVER had any sexual relationship with any of them , just kissed. I was never alone with any, bc basically these situations were school petty relationships. Never visited their homes or hung out with them after school, nothing, just school was our only time we had. But as these little relationships would occur I would get word that he liked and wanted to date me again, and truth be told I wasn’t ready for the type of relationship he wanted with me. So I held off respectfully, at first thing started to get ugly. He would to try to questioned me about my current relationships I was in and have conversations with the people I was involved with to try to get dirt on them so that I could leave them and go back to him. He would try to be friends with me and then get mad bc he felt as though I was playing him by not wanting to be his girlfriend at a certain time. .... It was a mess. But eventually all the guys that I ended it with went on and I was by myself and he came along again and I gave him a try despite all that happened between us . And NOW the question is do you think I owed  him some kind of respect back then for dating these people that I didn’t know he knew and would be around daily? 

[basil67]

Your update makes your husband's behaviour even more absurd.  These are guys who you didn't sleep with and were never alone with.  In my view, your interactions with them didn't even qualify as dating.   Yes, they may acted badly, saying this about you back in the day, but you're not responsible for their behaviour.  

And the way your husband acted when trying to get you back was a huge red flag as to his now abusiveness.  Getting mad at you for not being his girlfriend is the height of entitlement.

[d0nnivain]

All of this happened when you were CHILDREN.  For your husband to still be holding on to garbage from middle school & high school is absurd.  He really needs to grow up & get over it.  

[Wiseman2]

Read up on trauma bonding, Stockholm Syndrome , gaslighting and Folie à deux.

You have been brainwashed by his nonsense and abuse.

Get help and get away from this.

Edited March 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BlinkMyEye]

Thanks everyone, I am taking consideration of all your comments. 
I’m still getting guilt trip daily and we talk about the pass a lot now, I’m starting to notice the more he wants to talk about the pass the more angry he gets it of me telling him what happened with those relationships. The sad part is I think he wants me to have these feelings of shame about when I dated and kissed These BOYS, and I can’t. I feel as though these events in my life were learning experiences and that it was in a time where I was just being a young kid having fun, and trying to enjoy life. I didn’t have any intention of hurting anyone, or did I believe I was hurting him. I always thought back then that if we were over, that’s just it. It’s over. There’s no need to keep updated with each other .I go my way and you go your way and live out your life. That’s  how I went on after all those situations. And in the mist of me explaining that, he called me cold hearted and cold blooded bc I didn’t allow myself to get attached to these guys. I never felt as though I need to be attached to them, I couldn’t see a future with any of them and these guys were basically moving to the teenage life where they were becoming active and mostly ALL of them cheated with a girl that was on that level . I honestly didn’t care about them cheating bc I wasn’t doing those type of things at that age but also I wasn’t going to be disrespected by allowing it to keep happening so I ended the relationships. I honestly don’t know what to do, if I’m being truthful he thinks I’m things up, he think that he needs to get back at me for basically living me life as a teenager. He thinks I’m a whore got having bfs and kissing them, not HAVING SEX but kissing them. He thinks his chance with me should have came quicker than it did and I should’ve never dated anybody else. He feels I wasn’t loyal to him, regardless of how young we were (13-14yro) I should have never left. I should have stayed bc I was ugly and nobody wanted me but him, but after we got together I became pretty and that’s when the problems came .He feels I started feeling myself and left bc I had options. OMG, you guys this hurts more typing this bc , there’s no way at age 13-14 he should be thinking that he had control over me, that he was planning a life for us, and that he was going to take care of me. Like I’m lost! These are the conversations between us, and he firmly stands on what he says.  

[basil67]

When he has these conversations with you, do you try to reassure him?  Or do you tell him that you won't be discussing this topic any further with him?   Because if it's the former, then you're rewarding his behaviour.   

What would he do if you stonewalled him on the topic and walked away, refusing to discuss it, when he brings it up?

[BlinkMyEye]

I usually reassured him let him know, look I understand I’m sorry what can do to help you heal, he always says nothing and I’m wrong for doing what I did. Stonewalling doesn’t help, bc then he gets violent. Like he’s demanding answers and then constantly going back and forth about what I should have done to prove my loyalty. It’s tough.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, BlinkMyEye said:

bc then he gets violent

As in physically assaulting you?

[Wiseman2]

Is this a BDSM situation? 

If not talk to your attorney privately and confidentiality about getting divorced from this abusive situation.

Edited March 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BlinkMyEye]

Yes assaulting me, breaking things, punching holes in walls.it gets really bad , he then sits and apologizes for and doesn’t talks about how sorry he is and he won’t do it again. That never happens though. He will talk about something that triggers him and then it’s a downward spiral after that. It never gets easy to talk with him.

[BlinkMyEye]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a BDSM situation

What is that?

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, BlinkMyEye said:

What is that?

Google it.
I think this is just straightforward abuse.
Do you have kids?

[BlinkMyEye]

I read it has something to do with kinky sex. Causing pain for arousal, I not in a situation like that. Yes we have kids. 

[understand50]

ok, you are right, your husband is flat out wrong.  He has a jealousy problem.  It would be one thing if you had had sex with all your "boy Friends", but it looks like it was only puppy love.  You need to leave, or he need to go get help. 

I wish you luck

 

[BaileyB]

On 3/16/2021 at 1:01 AM, BlinkMyEye said:

I’m asking this bc my hubby thinks he should have been  my one and only bf I ever had and that I made him suffer those years we weren’t together.

This is just his excuse for being physically abusive with you. 

HAD you experienced another relationship as an adult, you would understand this. 

25 minutes ago, BlinkMyEye said:

Yes assaulting me, breaking things, punching holes in walls.

This is not acceptable behavior in a marriage. This man has no self control and he is abusive to you. 

Have you ever considered leaving? Your children are watching this, learning about relationships from this man. Is this what you want them to learn? Do you want to raise your children in a home where they can’t feel safe, because their father is out of control? 

[BlinkMyEye]

I definitely don’t , if he continues to be this way I’ve already started thinking about getting out of this situation. He always tells me that he doesn’t want to be married bc of the things he does but I never take it serious bc he never means that, it’s just to get a reaction . But I needed justification even though you guys are strangers I feel as though the advice would be the same from family.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BlinkMyEye said:

Yes assaulting me, breaking things, punching holes in walls.it gets really bad , he then sits and apologizes for and doesn’t talks about how sorry he is and he won’t do it again. That never happens though. He will talk about something that triggers him and then it’s a downward spiral after that. It never gets easy to talk with him.

This is your justification. You don’t need anything more than this. 

This is the cycle of abuse - do some reading. He loses his cool, he apologizes and promises to do better, and then it happens again. AND, it is likely to escalate over time, that is the usual pattern. 

Yes, talk with your family. Consult a lawyer. Talk with a counsellor who has worked with victims of domestic violence. Please - do all these things... They can help you to develop an exit strategy. The most unsafe time for a woman in an abusive marriage is when she tries to leave. If you are going to leave, you must do so carefully and thoughtfully. 

You have children to protect. Be safe and take care of your children. 

Edited March 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, BlinkMyEye said:

If he continues to be this way

How much longer do you need this to continue before you decide to leave. You have, quite literally, been with this guy since you were 13 years old. Sixteen years you have been together, eight years married. He’s had sixteen years to change... and it hasn’t happened. 

It’s the famous quote by Maya Angelou (who in her youth, was in an abusive relationship). “When people show you who they really are - believe them.”

This man has issues with anger and self control. He is emotionally and physically abusive to you. He puts you and your children’s emotional and physical well-being at risk. The time is now, I wouldn’t wait another day expecting that he will change. if it hasn’t happened in the last sixteen years, it’s not going to happen.