Am I wrong? Kind of long but need answers!

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is an abuser. 

Full-stop, end of. 

Him holding your childhood "boyfriends" is simply an extension of that abuse, another manipulation tactic. 

You need to get out and get away from him. 

[Watercolors]

@BlinkMyEye I think you know what you need to do for your safety and your children's safety. When you choose to leave and divorce your husband is up to you. You have been brainwashed by him through your trauma bond, to accept his gaslighting and his physical abuse, which he will (if he hasn't already) transfer to your children via sexual abuse or physical abuse or both. They are in danger. If that isn't enough motivation for you to leave your husband -- your children's welfare -- then you truly need outside help to leave. I don't know what country you live in, but here in the U.S., there are a lot of online resources to help women in your situation. You can call an abuse hotline and set up a time for volunteers to come and help you and your children escape. You can also call crisis shelters that your husband can't access legally, to stay that are actually nice and have resources for you and your children like on-site teachers, a computer lab, dorm style rooms with closets, beds, dressers, sinks, bathrooms. 

If you stay in this marriage you will regret it. 

[MsJayne]

On 3/25/2021 at 1:40 PM, BlinkMyEye said:

And NOW the question is do you think I owed  him some kind of respect back then for dating these people that I didn’t know he knew and would be around daily? 

No, and he's very twisted if he thinks you did owe loyalty to to him, and bringing it up 16 years later, let alone making a great big juvenile deal out of it, is just ridiculous. Sounds like he's still 15 years old. 

[Lotsgoingon]

This guy has pathological insecurity. Worrying about your past after you guys dated at 13-14 for two months.

He's nuts, I'm sorry to say. And you have probably been in denial of this for too long.

Trust us here: the issue has NOTHING to do with you. He's got deep psychological problems and he needs something simple and dumb to blame, and your high school dates are that.

OMG, adults these days KNOW the person they're dating has had multiple partners. That's nothing to get insecure about.

You need to be talking to friends about this. Quit hiding your husband's nuttiness and his obsession about your "past"--if you can call high school dating a "past."

And what should you do? Well if he is seriously offering to leave, you ought to let him. Now, don't yell at him, because he sounds potentially violent and possessive. But let his behind leave. 

You probably need to start consulting with domestic violence counselors and organizations. A guy this crazily jealous is a control freak. Male control freaks are often dangerous. They have no other focus that dumb S@#% like this. Whatever strengths he has, this focus makes him a utter loser. You have to got to get away from him.

 

[Noproblem]

Please divorce him you are still quiet young and even if you are not young. even if you are 80

Please leave him!

He is sick!

He is making you miserable

you can do this

You can leave this dirtbag

Here I said it. He is a trash

Be angry I insulted him, but remember, he abuses you every day! So should you be angry I called him trash, or should you be angry that this trash that you love dearly doesn't deserve your love and use it against you to make your life a living hell!

There was a good reason why you broke up at age 12. Your innocent young self knew better, but your adult self can't bring herself to realize that this relationship is a sham and needs to be ended!

 

No therapy, no nothing, Leave leave leave! But make a good plan to leave without you losing much!

He is also abusive and dangerous. RUN and try to protect yourself! Find a good lawyer!

 

Edited March 29, 2021 by Noproblem

[elaine567]

The most dangerous time for abused women is when he finds out she is leaving, so if you do decide to leave then you need to  make sure you and your kids are safe.
It is why many women will just disappear, some with only the clothes they are standing up in. They flee out of the area, never to return.
As you have kids then the situation is more complicated so I suggest you enlist professional help as well as all the friends and family you can muster.

[usa1ah]

Honestly if he had problems with it, he should never had gotten back with you. 
 

It doesn’t matter what you did with those other guys, they made it 10x’s more sexual then it was. They were telling your now husband what a porn star you were with them. It doesn’t matter what you actually did, they were going to throw it in your husband’s face. Guys are cruel like that. 
 

None of this is your fault, your husband chose to be with you afterwards. It he can’t get over it, then he can always leave. 
 

I would suggest counseling with someone that knows how to deal with retroactive jealousy. 

[usa1ah]

On 3/28/2021 at 4:06 AM, BlinkMyEye said:

Thanks everyone, I am taking consideration of all your comments. 
I’m still getting guilt trip daily and we talk about the pass a lot now, I’m starting to notice the more he wants to talk about the pass the more angry he gets it of me telling him what happened with those relationships. The sad part is I think he wants me to have these feelings of shame about when I dated and kissed These BOYS, and I can’t. I feel as though these events in my life were learning experiences and that it was in a time where I was just being a young kid having fun, and trying to enjoy life. I didn’t have any intention of hurting anyone, or did I believe I was hurting him. I always thought back then that if we were over, that’s just it. It’s over. There’s no need to keep updated with each other .I go my way and you go your way and live out your life. That’s  how I went on after all those situations. And in the mist of me explaining that, he called me cold hearted and cold blooded bc I didn’t allow myself to get attached to these guys. I never felt as though I need to be attached to them, I couldn’t see a future with any of them and these guys were basically moving to the teenage life where they were becoming active and mostly ALL of them cheated with a girl that was on that level . I honestly didn’t care about them cheating bc I wasn’t doing those type of things at that age but also I wasn’t going to be disrespected by allowing it to keep happening so I ended the relationships. I honestly don’t know what to do, if I’m being truthful he thinks I’m things up, he think that he needs to get back at me for basically living me life as a teenager. He thinks I’m a whore got having bfs and kissing them, not HAVING SEX but kissing them. He thinks his chance with me should have came quicker than it did and I should’ve never dated anybody else. He feels I wasn’t loyal to him, regardless of how young we were (13-14yro) I should have never left. I should have stayed bc I was ugly and nobody wanted me but him, but after we got together I became pretty and that’s when the problems came .He feels I started feeling myself and left bc I had options. OMG, you guys this hurts more typing this bc , there’s no way at age 13-14 he should be thinking that he had control over me, that he was planning a life for us, and that he was going to take care of me. Like I’m lost! These are the conversations between us, and he firmly stands on what he says.  

He needs professional help. You are right about this and his obsession with you wasn’t healthy. 

[usa1ah]

On 3/28/2021 at 9:18 AM, BlinkMyEye said:

Yes assaulting me, breaking things, punching holes in walls.it gets really bad , he then sits and apologizes for and doesn’t talks about how sorry he is and he won’t do it again. That never happens though. He will talk about something that triggers him and then it’s a downward spiral after that. It never gets easy to talk with him.

You need to protect yourself. Is there a shelter for women that you can go to?

 

Can you go and visit your family?

 

Find a safe place to go then see a lawyer to know your rights. 
 

After you find a place to go. Tell him that he needs to get help before any talk about a future together can happen. That he has to see a therapist for a few months about his problems and anger issues. 
 

If you don’t want a future with him, see a lawyer and then have him arrested for domestic violence. 

[Crazelnut]

I'm worried about your physical and mental health. He is a physical abuser, who intentionally intimidates you and is mentally cruel. PLEASE take your children away from him. You've done nothing wrong and don't deserve to be treated this way. 

[mark clemson]

On 3/28/2021 at 1:06 AM, BlinkMyEye said:

 I feel as though these events in my life were learning experiences and that it was in a time where I was just being a young kid having fun, and trying to enjoy life...there’s no way at age 13-14 he should be thinking that he had control over me, that he was planning a life for us, and that he was going to take care of me. Like I’m lost! These are the conversations between us, and he firmly stands on what he says.  

I think the real "learning experience" is this marriage, unfortunately. While you're looking up the other (valid) psychological items and resources mentioned by earlier posters, try "displaced aggression" as well.  Also be aware that some abusers wait until they feel they "have you in their power" before they start up with abuse.

Speaking for myself, this is not a marriage I would be hanging around for. And yes, from what I understand there is genuine danger in leaving some abusers.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mark clemson

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, I hope you continue to come here for support. You are definitely caught up in the cycle of abuse: abuse/devaluation of victim> abuser fears abandonment> abuser love bombs victim/honeymoon stage (victim thinks maybe abuser learned this time)> cycle repeats with the abuse/devaluation.

Please note the thread of consistency in all the replies to your post--your husband is a dangerous abuser. I'm pointing out the obvious because victims often begin to deny the abuse (and any advice from others for victims to distance themselves from the abuser) when in the honeymoon phase of the cycle.

Make no mistake that your husband is a violent and controlling person. His 'woe is me' sob stories are part of his manipulations designed to enforce his control. You need to recognize that abusers seek control over others at all costs, and I do mean ALL costs! I very much doubt you have seen him at his very worst, but I believe his very worst will surface at the first moment he senses your sincere desire to escape especially with your kids (over whom he also enjoys feeling control).

You need an exit strategy. Recognize trying to flee will constitute a very real danger to you and your children. I'm not exaggerating when I say homicide might be on the table if he feels it's his last resort to maintain control. 

If I were in your situation, I would quietly (telling NOONE) start checking resources for leaving an abusive spouse. I would start planning to leave when my kids were on an extended break from school, preferably in between grades. I would consider moving to a place I've never had ties to before, a place he would never expect to find me and kids. Upon departure, when a safe enough distance but before my final destination, I would tell people I care most about that I'm fleeing for my life and the safety of my kids, and that I'll be in touch once I feel secure. I would not, at any time, tell a single soul where we are settling for fear they would accidentally or otherwise tell him. 

Abusers can hold grudges for years and wait as long to exact their revenge. As in the case of your husband, he's still clinging to an imagined slight from your childhood which you did not create to hurt him nor do you have any ability to change it. Imagine if you actually asserted your independence and fled. He will have lost total control and will react accordingly with all efforts he can muster to regain control, and then to punish you severely to make you hesitate to try doing it again. Do not think him hurting your children is beyond the scope of his cruelty. If it comes down to it, he knows this is the thing that will absolutely gut you the most. As I said, abusers stop at nothing to maintain their control.

On that note, you might have to play dumb like a fox with some reverse psychology. Here's a suggestion, tell him it would hurt you more than anything if he left you and the kids. Reinforce that message so he will keep it in his back pocket to use any time he thinks you need to be put in your place. If the blessed day comes that he actually leaves for any extended period, RUN!!! and do not look back!

Expect that if ever he leaves, most likely it is only a tool to punish you and make you more compliant. If you do not react as he expects, he will quickly return to investigate why not. You should be gone before such time. 

Make a plan right down to what you'll pack (such as the kids' favorite couple of toys, blankets, etc.). Write it out in a safe, password protected place. Perhaps you can write it in your private LoveShack journal.  That reduces risk of discovery because everything will be in one place (half chance of discovery)--your asking support on your threads and your escape plan in one tidy place.

Good luck and please take care of you and your kids!

Edited April 4, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Clarify last sentence

[HadMeOverABarrel]

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