Breakup with a child together

[azureo99]

Hi All,

I had been with my partner for 5 years, we have a toddler together. She left just over 7 weeks ago but I'm really struggling with how to deal with the break up. 

The break up was definitely my fault due to depression through the years we were together, gambling addiction and financial challenges which led to a toxic relationship. 

My ex partner initially said she would need to see significant change before she could consider coming back, after 4 weeks she said she could see change but didn't know if she could put herself in that position again. Over the weekend she then said there is no way she would come back, she could never trust that I wouldn't put her in a negative position again. 

Her parents also messaged me 2 weeks into the breakup letting me know I need to show her that she can trust me and rely on me forever. I just don't feel she wants that anymore though. 

The frustrating part is now I do feel like I'm in a much better position in life, the reasons/circumstances for the way I was earlier in the relationship no longer exist and I'm now in a position to buy a house and provide her with the life she had always wanted. 

We are on reasonable/good terms and see our daughter 50/50 but we often meet in a park for 30 mins so we see our daughter together and I don't know whether to reduce that to just drop offs as I like to see both of them together which doesn't help with trying to get over her. 

She has said it's too late and doesn't see the fairytale end with me and won't be back. I have spoken to her family and they have basically said how can you prove that you will never go into a dark place again and that wasn't something I could answer. They were very supportive but said these things can take a long time and who knows where either of us will be in 6-12 months. 

Even though she has said she would never come back I just can't seem to let go as it was only a week before where she was asking about whether I would be staying in shape, going back to the gym, asking about my work and money. It really felt she could see I was making positive change and was genuinely interested.  Then a week on she completely shut me down and said she could never come back. 

We also have a joint current account and savings account, initially we left it the way it was so she could see things were changing and we would be able to buy a house this year. It's the last thing I'm hanging on to to be honest as I would of expected her to split the account ASAP so she can move on, find her own place and not be worrying about what she can and can't spend.

I don't know whether it's too early to suggest sitting down and splitting out the accounts, changing the tenancy on the house and suggesting moving the rest of her stuff back to her mum and dads (where she is currently staying). She has been different week on week and it's been very mixed messages up until this week, I don't want to completely cut all the accounts etc just in case things change in future but at the same time I feel like I am torturing myself with false hope and not being able to get over her because I am leaving things all joint and waiting for her to make the move. 

I want her to see that the person I was 2-3 years ago or even 6 months ago isn't the person I am now, I want her to come back at some point in the future but I feel based on her recent comments and her parents comments mean I'm probably holding on to the accounts, her stuff etc as it gives me hope that doesn't exist. 

I'm not sure what I should do, do I initiate the splitting of accounts now, ask her to take her stuff or wait and see what she wants to do. I would of thought she would of initiated this as she doesn't benefit at all from paying towards somewhere she doesn't live anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, azureo99 said:

I had been with my partner for 5 years, we have a toddler together. The break up was definitely my fault due to depression through the years we were together, gambling addiction and financial challenges which led to a toxic relationship. 

wards somewhere she doesn't live anymore. 

Focus on co-parenting, being reliable with child support and  visitation. See  a physician about the depression and a therapist for ongoing support.

Look into support groups for compulsive gamblers.

Sever all accounts and speak with your account bankers creditors etc. to repair your finances.

Stop chatting with her parents. Worry about her furniture some other time when she comes to collect it.

[d0nnivain]

Other than telling her you have changed, what has actually changed?  Have you gone to GA?  Is your gambling addiction under control?  Are you in therapy?    She left 7 weeks ago but here you are saying that you are not the same person you were 6 months ago.  Sorry but if you had truly changed for the better in those 6 months, she would not have left 2 months ago  To her what's coming out of your mouth probably sounds like more empty promises.  She needs to see action.  

Do get help if you haven't already. 

Buy that house.  She needs to see financial responsibility, not pi$$ing all your money away gambling. 

Get the practicalities of her living arrangements worked out. 

Create a co-parenting plan & be a great dad.  

When she sees these active changes, her heart may soften but you can't count on that.  You have to work out how to peacefully co-exist for your child's sake  

[azureo99]

Thanks a lot for the replies. 
 

My gambling has been under control for 12+ months with one small hiccup 6 months ago. Finances are now in a good position and I will be buying a house later this year. 

We do get on ok, we have our daughter 50/50 and it works reasonably well at the moment. 

She has acknowledged the change in the last 6 months but has said she just can’t put herself in that vulnerable position again as she thinks that love has gone and she has spent too long getting me into a good position and now feels drained and can’t do it again. Her parents also said the issue is “how do you show her that you will never go back to old ways”. That’s not something I could answer, I guess it would mean her being willing to take that risk.

I speak to a counsellor weekly which really helps but I’m just so confused on next steps.

I don’t want to ask her to break out the joint account as originally she said she wanted to see change before she could consider returning, her seeing finances are in order was a good way of showing her this. 
 

She has now said there is no way back, the love is gone and she doesn’t ever want to come back. This is completely different to the vibe I had over the last 2 weeks. I guess it makes me think I need to separate accounts and house tenancy as I may be holding on to false hope. At the same time i have had mixed messages so I’m worried she has said this now but in a week or a month that could change and I shouldn’t of split out the finances.  

 I expected her to initiate the closing of anything joint as it offers no benefit to her. I don’t want to push for account closure if that was something that could give me even a 1% chance of her returning at some point. But at the same time I don't want to spend the next couple of months in limbo and not being able to get over her and then be broken again.  
 

Again, thanks for the replies. It helps a lot. 

[azureo99]

She has also said she doesn’t love me anymore.

It’s not even been 2 months and I do want to win her back but when someone says they don’t love you anymore is that the time to make the next steps of breaking out house, accounts etc. 
 

I did hassle her for the first few weeks, then tried a couple of weeks of limited contact. 
 

I just don’t know whether to continue with hope, limit all contact for another month and see whether her mindset changes or whether I should just cut all ties now and live my own life separate. Obviously still discuss my daughter and look after her best interests. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, azureo99 said:

 I do want to win her back 

Get help for the gambling. She's not a casino chip so you can't  "win her back"

Stop and think about that and how entrenched your brain is in the gambling compulsion.

The number one focus should be getting help and responsible co-parenting.

Stop and think about pissing your child's future away for your habit. Or being a homeless bum.

I guarantee you, that's what your ex is protecting herself and your child from.

 

[azureo99]

As I have said, I haven’t gambled in over 6 months and have focussed on my child and have a house deposit as a result of this. 

I’m far from a bum and pay for all rent, child nursery and everything both of them need/want.

I don’t rely on any financial support and have 0 debt so I don’t believe that is the issue. 
 

I believe the issue is she doesn’t want to risk me ever going back to that dark place and the fact she has fallen out of love due to my past issues. She has acknowledged I’m in a completely different position now and I have made necessary changes.

I just personally don’t know whether I should give up on trying to show her and cut assets or whether to leave things until she approaches the subject. 

 

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, azureo99 said:

She has also said she doesn’t love me anymore. 

At some point, sometimes feelings to end.  That may have happened with her.  I think you are right that her fears about you going back to that "dark place" are playing a big part in her decision.  

Whether you should take action to split up your assets or leave things until she broaches the subject is up to you.  IMO, if you make the first move on that front it will solidify in her mind that you have accepted the break up & are OK with it.  Since you aren't, I'd leave things be, as long as you can stand it, as a show of hope.  In all likelihood that hope is misguided & she won't come back but you do share a child so you will never be fully apart.  You have to find a way to work together & to co-parent for your child's sake.