Are we more than friends?

[LittleSparrow]

Hi all, 

I am so glad I found this forum, I have been going insane, I really need some opinions on my situation. 

I'm a female in a dead marriage. It's fine, I'm not sad about it any more, my husband and I are business partners and best friends. Once we've worked through things after covid we can go our separate ways. It's a mutual agreement and I'm lucky it's ended well. 

I have a friend, I'll just call him Paul. Paul and I have known each other since primary school, so for 30 years. Paul has been with his wife since 16, married since 18 (he was in the army). We lost touch at 18 but reconnected via Facebook at 25. We would like one another's pics and exchange the odd message, nothing major. 

18 months ago, he messaged me out of the blue saying I look really good. The messages started flowing and we now message every day, multiple times We only talk through Instagram, and I suspect he has his notifications switched off (he's mentioned before that he speaks to everyone else via Facebook instead). In the past 18 months, he has only mentioned his wife to me twice. We talk about our day mainly, but when he's had a wine he will call me hot/compliment me generally. He uses the 😲 or 🔥 on all my insta story pics of myself. He has made a couple of jokes about an affair. But it never goes beyond that. 

Paul lives in another part of the country to me, but I live on the same street as his parents and he does come back intermittently. He will no doubt be visiting again when restrictions are lifted. I have feelings for him, but he has children and a wife and I would never expect or want him to leave them. But God, I want him so so badly. I'm intensely attracted to him and I think about him a lot. He has supported me through some difficult times and vice versa. I haven't professed anything to him because I honestly cannot guage if he sees me as a friend or if he's attracted to me. 

Paul and I were joking about my marriage (I haven't had sex with my husband in 8 years) and he let slip that he hasn't had sex with his wife in 2 years. He only drops information/compliments like this when he's signing off to go to bed, he drops it and runs. I just don't know what to think. 

Please know that Paul has never asked anything of me. It's like we're really close friends who flirt occasionally and talk every day, but I cannot tell if this is something more. So, from an outside perspective, what do you all think? 

Thank you, getting this off my chest has helped. X

[BaileyB]

Quote

So, from an outside perspective, what do you all think? 

I think you are in an emotional affair with the man that would become physical in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself.

And to be honest, I’m not sure how you feel that you have the right to do that to his wife and children. 

Please reconsider. This may seem wonderful now because you are in the early stages of the affair and the distance and the longing makes you desire him in a way that feels oh so good... it may seem harmless now but you are on the slippery slope and I hope you consider the well-being of his wife and particularly his children in your decision to continue or stop this before it causes any pain. 

[BaileyB]

What would you think if your husband (assuming it was a good and healthy marriage) had a “friendship” with another women in which he spoke to the woman everyday, that she had “supported him through difficult times,” that they share intimate details about your sex life, and she has joked with him a few times about “an affair.” Would you consider this friendship? Or is this crossing a line...

I’m sorry to be the bucket of cold water here, just hoping you will consider this from a different perspective.

Edited March 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[Minnie Moo]

@LittleSparrow

This is definitely already an emotional affair that is already betraying his wife (and children) I’ve also no doubt that should you give the nod it would easily become a physical affair too.  
 

I admire you and your husband for recognising that you need to separate and putting plans in place to do that amicably once you’re able to.  BUT in the meantime don’t involve yourself in someone else’s marriage.  No matter how great he makes you feel he is not available to you.  You would be far better off shutting this flirting down and once you’re single again going and finding someone who doesn’t already have a wife and kids.  
 

if you read any of the posts on here you’ll see just how painful and destructive affairs can be, no one comes out of them unscathed.  The betrayed spouse and children have their worlds shattered and you as the other woman will end up with low self respect, self esteem and questioning everything you thought about yourself.  
 

I could go on but I think reading some posts on here will give you a better insight.  
 

apoligies for the second cold bucket of water. 
 

hope you can extricate yourself without too much upset.  

[Snakesalive]

Well you asked what we think........  So the huge negative is that you’re already in an emotional affair and therefore have an emotional attachment-breaking it will be difficult but absolutely worth it . 
The positive is you have the opportunity to end it now before you get more attached and endure the hell that will come from continuing the affair.  
I’m pleased the end to your marriage seems amicable but you are vulnerable and looking for everything this guy is offering you -you have similarities a shared history it’s all sounding like a heady mix that will lead to a full blown affair with the potential of breaking up families, heartache and pain all round . Please believe me (and others on this forum) that the thrill of the text messages , feel good feelings of his compliments are not worth the journey an affair will take you on. Do yourself a massive favour and focus on you , realising an amicable end to your relationship if you feel this is not worth saving and draw a line under things with the MM. 

 

Edited March 17, 2021 by Snakesalive

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Out of the frying pan (your dead marriage) and into the fire (headlong into an affair).

I wish you would recognize the size of the powder keg to which you are lighting a match before you get burned...not to mention you both dragging innocents along with you to share the burn. 

You are caught up in a major fantasy here. The reality at the end of this is LOADS of pain for you.  But I'm betting you are telling yourself things like maybe he was 'the one' all along and when he 'realizes' it he will leave his wife for you. 

It's not going to happen. Mark my words. Hope you don't have to learn the hard way.

Edited March 19, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Bonifidelifelover]

I think he’s lying about the not having sex for 2 years.

[Wiseman2]

You can only hope that he understands you just want to be friends. A bad marriage is never a good reason to cheat.

Cheating may seem cheaper short term, but it will cost you more financially, emotionally and timewise in the end.

Cheating is basically  junk food for the heart. Drive through garbage that will make you sick when all is said and done.

[Fletch Lives]

Well you have to be careful with married men.....unlike you, he may still be very attached to his spouse still......so even if you did start an affair, he might flake and run away at any moment, and hurt you.....like he's doing now.

[central]

You and your husband agreed to separate, even if not yet implemented.  Is he aware that you are looking, so he can as well?  Anyway, the real problem is you're potentially messing with someone else's marriage.  There are plenty of unattached men out there, who are able to enter a relationship and may even follow through.