planB Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 This post is about family coming in between relationships. My girlfriend dumped me over the Thanksgiving holiday. We were together for two years and loved each other very much. We were best friends, and did everything together. In fact, I was going to propose to her very soon. Very long story short, her family had us over for Thanksgiving and I ended up getting into a massive argument with her brother. Alcohol was involved and he attacked me for how I handled a few fights that she and I had. I had no idea that she was sharing that level of detail to her brother and based on what he said, it was a very biased view. I felt awful for engaging with him and just wish I was smart and sober enough to walk away. I did send flowers and cards to both her and her family, expressing how bad I felt. She hasn't reached out and I went into no contact for three months before sending her a text message. Again, she hasn't responded. It has been around four months now and I deeply miss and want her back. A friend found her profile on a dating site and it just feels like she has moved forward. I'm wondering if her family has persuaded to stay away from me or if she just truly wanted the breakup. I welcome comments and thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 16, 2021 Share Posted March 16, 2021 13 minutes ago, planB said: I had no idea that she was sharing that level of detail to her brother and based on what he said, it was a very biased view. She wanted attention from her family/friends, so she played "victim". She had no business sharing details about your personal lives with her family/friends. She sounds immature. You are better off without her. Anytime my family asks about my girlfriend, I tell them everything is GREAT!! I might throw in some generic comment about how much she enjoyed this new meatloaf recipe I tried... harmless generic crap. I would never tell family/friends anything personal that happened between the two of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) She should not have shared with her family her relationship problems but it also sounds that what ever you've done in that relationship it was shocking enough for her brother to confront you about. I don't think this was the amazing relationship you think it was. Let it go, too many people involved, you would never be able to patch things up and you and her would constantly live with the family disapproval. Edited March 17, 2021 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Her family didn't come between you. You two fought. She overshared with people who always have her back. Her brother confronted you about your behavior at an inopportune time. Since alcohol was involved nobody behaved well. You & your GF broke up. That wasn't about her family coming between you. It was about your failure to remember blood is thicker than water. You tried with the apology & the flowers. I commend you for that. In most instances that should have worked. But it didn't. Be done. Next time, when your SOs family ask or confront you about stuff that really isn't your business don't engage other than to praise them for championing their family member. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) Stop attributing this breakup to her family. Her family can't "make" her do anything. She was the one who didn't want to be with you anymore. That is evident in the fact that she didn't reach out to you or respond to your texts. SHE can make her own choices, and she has made her choice. You said it yourself, she has a profile on a dating site now and she has moved on. Accept that. Edited March 17, 2021 by ShyViolet 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) Well, what exactly happened in her mind isn't ultimately important now. What's important is that your relationship is over, and you need to work on moving on. You will never figure out why exactly she decided to break up when she did and what stood behind each one of her decisions, but you don't need to, either. In time, if you do things right and focus on yourself, you will gain a deeper understanding of why this particular relationship has failed, which will help you in the future. However, you will never gain that deeper understanding by trying to figure out what was going on in her head! That is the wrong path and all it will leave you with is a bunch of misleading ideas which can poison your life. You're in effect trying to guess what is going on in a room you cannot look into, based on nothing; your chances at making the right guess are nil, and even if you did you would have done it by accident, making the insight worthless. You will only gain that understanding, ultimately, by getting in touch with yourself, analyzing your decisions (in- and outside of the relationship), what they resulted in and what stood behind them, figuring out what you want and don't want. In the best case scenario, you will learn much more than just the reasons why the relationship failed. Nobody on this forum will be able to answer your question, and in fact nobody can at all. The only thing you can do for yourself is leave the relationship in the past; once you truly move on things will be much clearer. One thing I will say is, you are focusing a lot on this particular incident, almost making it sound like it turned an otherwise perfect relationship around. This would be... very, very, VERY unusual. Almost impossible I'd say. People don't break up over a single drunken argument with a family member. I can almost guarantee you there were likely deeper issues, longer processes that you might not have noticed were taking place. Again, you will gain better understanding of these with time, by discovering things about yourself and your life and moving on. Edited March 17, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) To add to the above, of course you can't expect yourself to snap your fingers and as if by magic to stop asking yourself the questions. They'll certainly go on for a while, but understand that they are pointless, just part of the separation process. Understanding this can help you stop asking these questions sooner, and the sooner you can stop asking them, the sooner you can start asking the real questions about your life. Edited March 17, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes Link to post Share on other sites
Author planB Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 Lots of good feedback here. This was definitely a two part thing for me to recover from, and I obviously still haven't. The first is forgiving myself for my part in not only that instance, but there were several other times where my mistakes came raining down on my memories. It's not that we had a toxic relationship, it's just that every little thing I could have did better or different, occupied my mind for a very long time. The second is definitely the way things ended with a messy breakup. We shared so much love and time together that I would have preferred that even if she was breaking up with me, we had a more amicable conversation about it. But I agree, people will do what they want to do. By her not reaching out is definitely saying that she has moved on. I do accept that, it's just the missing her part. I'm all about improving myself and hopefully she is doing the same. Link to post Share on other sites
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) 44 minutes ago, planB said: Lots of good feedback here. This was definitely a two part thing for me to recover from, and I obviously still haven't. The first is forgiving myself for my part in not only that instance, but there were several other times where my mistakes came raining down on my memories. It's not that we had a toxic relationship, it's just that every little thing I could have did better or different, occupied my mind for a very long time. The second is definitely the way things ended with a messy breakup. We shared so much love and time together that I would have preferred that even if she was breaking up with me, we had a more amicable conversation about it. But I agree, people will do what they want to do. By her not reaching out is definitely saying that she has moved on. I do accept that, it's just the missing her part. I'm all about improving myself and hopefully she is doing the same. I hear you. Feeling shame and regret is normal. Of course you've done a bunch of stuff that could have been handled way, way better. That's always the case. Here's the thing, though: in a sense, at that particular time in that particular place, you couldnt've done better, because otherwise you would have, right? I'm not saying nobody makes mistakes. But learning from mistakes doesn't mean realizing how we "could have done better" in the past, it means learning how to do better now and in the future. I believe that's what makes up a large part of forgiving yourself: realizing that although your behavior may have been subpar, at that time, you obviously didn't know better. You didn't deliberately behave badly. Now you can learn from it, by, in time, figuring out what really makes you tick. (I am referring here not to the family incident, but to the broader background you were referring to in part one). I think it's tempting to feel tons of regret because following breakups we have all sorts of overwhelming realizations (hopefully). But these realizations are for our present and future. Another part of this is that unless you are an abusive a**h*** (from what you write it doesn't sound like it) you will eventually come to realize that it usually takes two people to break a relationship, which will reduce the self-flagellation. Maybe you already have. When my ex first left, I was blaming myself for absolutely everything and thought I singlehandedly destroyed everything between us while she had been an angel caught up with me. But as time passed, I started remembering a bit more of how it really was and realizing that for most of the time, we were both simply pushing all the wrong buttons in each other. Regarding the second part: you know what they say about good breakups and whether or not they exist. Sometimes there are messes that remain messes. Accepting that is hard as hell for me, too, but it's how it is. But moreover, I don't actually think that the question of how soon we can forgive ourselves, forgive the other person, forget them and be at peace is predicated upon how clean or messy our breakup was. Neither will an amicable breakup necessarily speed up the process, nor must a messy one slow it down. It's not up to the breakup; it's up to us. By any means, I think that if "messy" means that unnecessary hurt was involved it is fine to go back and try to clear the air. But you already did that, right? At that point, you're done. The missing will take time. Don't shoot yourself in the foot, keep NC, remove everything that reminds you of her; eventually, it will pass. I miss my ex, too. There's no supereasy shortcut there. Just gotta get through the pain, only way is forward. Time and NC will do their job. Edited March 17, 2021 by StoryOfMyLifeYes Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 For all you know, she may have asked her brother to "pick a fight" with you, so she had an out. 39 minutes ago, planB said: I'm all about improving myself... Don't be in a big hurry to make sweeping changes to yourself, your life or your views, because of this woman or the incident where you were provoked by the brother. Personally, I refuse to make major changes to who I am to satisfy some other person. Take me as I am, or move on... And I will find someone who will accept me the way I am. Who is he (brother) to stick his nose in your business, anyway... She is an adult, she should be able to "fight her own battles", but instead she involved her brother. Sounds very manipulative on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author planB Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: For all you know, she may have asked her brother to "pick a fight" with you, so she had an out. Funny you say this. There were a couple of my friends who made the same comment. Not only that, she may have deliberately done it during a family get together for supportive purposes. She was there the entire time that he and I were talking, and made zero attempt to intervene. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 4 minutes ago, planB said: Funny you say this. There were a couple of my friends who made the same comment. Not only that, she may have deliberately done it during a family get together for supportive purposes. She was there the entire time that he and I were talking, and made zero attempt to intervene. Well... I am now convinced this "fight" was by design... She wanted out and wanted to make you the "bad guy" in it all. "Save Face" with her family/friends, maybe... Your friends are correct!! They know you... they know what you are made of... they know what kind of person you are... You were set up! Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 22 hours ago, planB said: I'm wondering if her family has persuaded to stay away from me or if she just truly wanted the breakup. Sorry this happened. Probably both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author planB Posted March 18, 2021 Author Share Posted March 18, 2021 Thank you to everyone who chimed in on this post. I'm going to burn it at both ends and just move forward. It obviously wasn't meant to be and I accept it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 It’s not unusual to put someone up on a pedestal. We were in love, they were my best friend etc. She dumped you. That was her decision. While her family may have contributed she was the one that acted. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 On 3/16/2021 at 11:18 PM, planB said: I did send flowers and cards to both her and her family, expressing how bad I felt. She hasn't reached out and I went into no contact for three months before sending her a text message. Again, she hasn't responded. It has been around four months now and I deeply miss and want her back. A friend found her profile on a dating site and it just feels like she has moved forward. Yes, she has indeed moved forward. Her silence after your attempts to contact her is your very clear indication that this is totally over for her. Whether it's entirely of her own volition or her family's influence isn't really relavant as it doesn't change anything for you. You did what you could. It's time to really accept that it's done so you can finally move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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