he has not said 'i love you' after 10 months

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

because he is uncomfortable saying the words

 

He did not say he's uncomfortable saying those words. 

It's still a mystery what he meant by I'm not there yet.

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He did not say he's uncomfortable saying those words. 

It's still a mystery what he meant by I'm not there yet.

You are right Gaeta, I am only assuming he feels uncomfortable, my own spin.

Also agree we don't know what he meant by those words I'm not there yet.

I did advise heaven to ask him, clearly and succinctly, what he meant.  If it meant he doesn't feel love for her, or if he cannot bring himself to say it. I think it's an important distinction.

I know they talked and spoke about many things, but not sure if that specific question was addressed.

It's difficult sometimes to ask these hard questions, due to fear our partner may not say what we hope and want them to say.   And then we're left with deciding what the the heck to do, should they not respond the way we hope.

Not an easy place to be, for sure.

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

He did not say he's uncomfortable saying those words. 

It's still a mystery what he meant by I'm not there yet.

he did say many times that he is uncomfortable around conventional romance. 

[heavenonearth]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Are you trying to convince us, or trying to convince yourself?

 

well i don’t have to convince myself in the feeling of “feeling loved”, because i do feel loved. but of course i still wonder why he can’t just say ILY, yes, of course. esp because he shows it in so many other ways. i will not know until he tells me and hopefully it will make sense then.

many here have said they think he doesn’t love me and that’s why he hasn’t said it. if he really doesn’t love me, then how come i feel loved? i have been with a lot of dudes who told me they loved me and i didn’t feel loved and they treated me badly and cheated on me or lied to me or left me out of nowhere, had commitment issues, all of that stuff. 

i feel loved for the first time in a way where i feel respected and trusted, where i feel like an equal in so many ways, where i have agency and where i am heard. and it sucks so much that exactly that guy can’t tell me he loves me after 10 months. it sucks. i wish it was different. 

all i can  do is wait until we see each other next. 

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes Gaeta, I also felt he buttered it on thick, but when it comes to "love", he just can't say it.... Hmmm.
A "pretty and cute" guy probably knows exactly how to get what he wants.

he’s not some macho guy tho. he’s the exact opposite. imagine you mix bill haverchuck and sam weir from freaks & geeks. then you get my boyfriend. awkward guy with lots of complexes around dating and romance.

 

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

You are right Gaeta, I am only assuming he feels uncomfortable, my own spin.

Also agree we don't know what he meant by those words I'm not there yet.

I did advise heaven to ask him, clearly and succinctly, what he meant.  If it meant he doesn't feel love for her, or if he cannot bring himself to say it. I think it's an important distinction.

I know they talked and spoke about many things, but not sure if that specific question was addressed.

It's difficult sometimes to ask these hard questions, due to fear our partner may not say what we hope and want them to say.   And then we're left with deciding what the the heck to do, should they not respond the way we hope.

Not an easy place to be, for sure.

 

 

 

you’re not wrong. i definitely am afraid to ask. i also feel it would build pressure and of course i want him to say it when he feels like it, out of his own accord. 

the reason why i still have hope he will say the ILY, is bc i have seen him changing the past half year and becoming more affectionate with words.

right now we were watching a show and he said “i am glad we can have a cozy call like this. it means a lot to me”. 

Edited March 23, 2021 by heavenonearth

[heavenonearth]

15 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Just a question for you Heaven, what are you looking for in this thread? We will all gladly keep chatting with you, we want to hear you out and see where your head is at, but what's your true goal here? I still get the vibe you are so desperately trying to prove to everybody, and yourself, that "it's all ok and it's going to work". 

i mean i want to stay positive. i have extreme issues with anxiety and i talk myself down a lot, and imp anxiety has been telling me that he just doesn’t love me and that i am not the one. i guess initially i had hoped people on this thread would just tell me it’s all in my head and it will be ok. didn’t expect for my anxiety to be confirmed/justified.

 but i guess i am dealing with it now somehow. i told myself i will wait till we see each other again. some sort of ultimatum, i guess. 

[heavenonearth]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@poppyfields: I go with logic. It takes on average 88 days for a man to fall in love that's 3 months. It takes 132 days for a woman that is 4,5 months. I give this a bit of giggle room so 6 months should be plenty of time for both parties to identify their feelings. 

It's not my first time falling in love and I know it happens to me between month 3 and 4. If I meet a man that needs 18 months to  identify his feelings so that means I will invest a full year of loving him while he's trying to figure himself out, right. At the end of him figuring himself out his conclusion could be although he appreciates me he's not in love so I have lost a considerable amount of time loving him while he was not in love with me. 

I am not ready to take that risk with my heart. 

The difference between Heaven and I is she's young and doesn't mind wasting a full year loving someone while he's trying to figure himself out. I don't have that luxury. I prefer moving to a man that has no emotional hang-ups, who's not afraid of the word love, who's comfortable expressing it. I don't want to deal with men that have problems expressing their feelings. 

tbh i am not that young anymore. i don’t want to keep dating anymore. i am tired of it. i want to be with someone who i can spend the rest of my life with, i ideally. 

[basil67]

@heavenonearth I always work on the theory that the most logical answer is usually the right one.   Therefore, if he's telling you that he's not there yet, then he's not there yet.  And he may not ever be.   When having a long term relationship with someone, hearing those words is important to me - and if it's important to you, there's nothing wrong with that.   Wanting someone who can say "I love you" is hardly an extreme goal. 

I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know if I've missed your age.  But if you want babies one day, don't go wasting your fertile years on a guy who doesn't know how he feels about you.  

Edited March 23, 2021 by basil67

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Tell him in his language. This illuminates things a bit. Are you from different cultures? If so, perhaps "I love you" is reserved for very serious longer term relationships.

Even though you communicate well (your English is excellent, btw) there still may be cultural nuances, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships.

yes he is from a culture that i guess is perceived as a bit more cold. although i have to admit he never struck me much as the typical “guy” from that sort of country. my english is much better than his. 

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

he did say many times that he is uncomfortable around conventional romance. 

I know you said that but this thread is full of things he told you that falls right into the conventional romance category. 

[heavenonearth]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@heavenonearth I always work on the theory that the most logical answer is usually the right one.   Therefore, if he's telling you that he's not there yet, then he's not there yet.  And he may not ever be.   When having a long term relationship with someone, hearing those words is important to me - and if it's important to you, there's nothing wrong with that.   Wanting someone who can say "I love you" is hardly an extreme goal. 

I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know if I've missed your age.  But if you want babies one day, don't go wasting your fertile years on a guy who doesn't know how he feels about you.  

we have talked about kids, i don’t necessarily want any but could imagine with him and he said he can imagine it with me. we have spent some time discussing names and imagined how their personalities would be if we had kids. i guess it’s normal to discuss these things at our age (i am 34, he’s 33). 

[heavenonearth]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I know you said that but this thread is full of things he told you that falls right into the conventional romance category. 

i don’t know which things you mean. but i should stress he has only started being expressive this way the past few months. he used to not be able to do this the first 5-7 months. we talked about this today. he says he’s learning and adapting bc he wants to. 

[poppyfields]

@heavenonearthI hesitate to say this because I would not want you to feel more anxious and insecure than you already do, but I don't have a good feeling about him or the success of your relationship long term.

NOT because he is uncomfortable telling you he loves you, but because of the distance, which he does seem quite comfortable with.  Through both the words he has expressed to you, and his actions.

There would no issue with that except that you hope to close that distance soon, which he tells you will happen, but my sense is it's not going to happen.

I hope I am wrong, but nevertheless, I think it would be wise to let go of some of your expectations in that regard.

There is a reason he reached out to you long distance and why he doesn't choose to date locally, men who do this typically have issues surrounding traditional relationships and commitment.

Again, nothing bad or wrong with that, except for the fact you are hoping and needing something different, something more.

 

Edited March 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[heavenonearth]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@heavenonearthI hesitate to say this because I would not want you to feel more anxious and insecure than you already do, but I don't have a good feeling about him or the success of your relationship long term.

NOT because he is uncomfortable telling you he loves you, but because of the distance, which he does seem quite comfortable with.  Through both the words he has expressed to you, and his actions.

There would no issue with that except that you hope to close that distance soon, which he tells you will happen, but my sense is it's not going to happen.

I hope I am wrong, but nevertheless, I think it would be wise to let go of some of your expectations in that regard.

There is a reason he reached out to you long distance and why he doesn't choose to date locally, men who do this typically have issues surrounding traditional relationships and commitment.

Again, nothing bad or wrong with that, except for the fact you are hoping and needing something different, something more.

 

if that is the case then what can i believe anymore ?

what does anything he says mean then? 

does anything mean anything, if what he says isn’t true? 

i had so many trust issues in my life with people lying to me — this is the first time i trust someone in maybe ever.

and you are telling me i shouldn’t trust what he says...

i am lost. i feel like a fool. 

[Gaeta]

Heaven: First thing first. Clarify what he means by *not being there yet*. Let's say he's not in love yet I imagine that will put a hold on your talk of living together right? If he says it's just a matter of gathering his courage to say it then you'll probably still want to wait to hear it? In one case or the other you'll end up having to wait. 

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I always work on the theory that the most logical answer is usually the right one.   Therefore, if he's telling you that he's not there yet, then he's not there yet. 

If you feel secure and loved in this relationship, that is a good thing. You then must decide how important it is that he say those three words to you. If it’s not important to you, that fine. But like most women, I can imagine that you would really like to hear those words. Realistic expectations - it’s not that you need him to tell you morning, noon, and night... but, you do need to hear those special words, once in a while. 

I too think that distance is a huge factor here, and one that hasn’t been discussed... (at least, the pages that I have read). Considering that he has autism, he may in fact be more comfortable with a long distance relationship where he communicates with you primarily through video chats and/or other forms of communication. Things may be very different when you spend more time together - either in a good way, or not a good way. And again, the things that you find endearing now (like the long talks about your feelings) may not be quite so endearing when you spend more time together and you want to progress this relationship. Again, my apologies if I’ve missed something said earlier... if I’m wrong, you are welcome to tell me that I’m wrong.

Edited March 24, 2021 by BaileyB

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Considering that he has autism, he may in fact be more comfortable with a long distance relationship where he communicates with you primarily through video chats and/or other forms of communication.

Occam's Razor...

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Considering that he has autism, he may in fact be more comfortable with a long distance relationship where he communicates with you primarily through video chats and/or other forms of communication. Things may be very different when you spend more time together - either in a good way, or not a good way. And again, the things that you find endearing now (like the long talks about your feelings and/or some of his romantic expression) may not be so endearing when you spend more time together and you want to progress this relationship. 

Well said and agree.  

[Alpacalia]

Is your boyfriend in frequent long-distance relationships, and does he prefer long-distance relationships in general?

A long-distance relationship is something that many people will experience at some point in their lives. Some are prosperous, while others are not.

Everyone has their own set of personal limitations. The OP must figure out what hers are. Do you have any reliable friends or family members with whom you can talk about this? Although objective opinions can be valuable, I'm not sure if such a varied and massive array of individual perspectives are better at this point. It's possible that it's exacerbating your fear.

Edited March 24, 2021 by Alpaca

[poppyfields]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

There is a reason he reached out to you long distance and why he doesn't choose to date locally, men who do this typically have issues surrounding traditional relationships and commitment.

To add to this^, didn't you tell us heaven that he told you he wasn't into "traditional romance"?

What is "traditional" romance?  It's spending time together in person, sharing experiences together, in person.  Growing, evolving as a couple, in person.

You also posted this earlier:

"I asked him today if he thinks our bond would be stronger if we were in the same place. he said: 'no, not stronger. we may lose some. and then we gain some from the distance in other ways."

I think it's important to pay attention to what he is trying to tell you!

You keep putting your own spin on it, translating his words to mean what you want them to mean, but not necessary how HE means or how he feels.

I think that is a big mistake.

P.S.  I am sorry you feel foolish.  That certainly was not my intention nor the intention of anyone else.  We are trying to help you and don't want to see you get hurt.

 

Edited March 24, 2021 by poppyfields

[BC1980]

How realistic is it that you two will live in the same city in the near future? Is there a timeline or any concrete plans for that? 

[BC1980]

2 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

i mean i want to stay positive. i have extreme issues with anxiety and i talk myself down a lot, and imp anxiety has been telling me that he just doesn’t love me and that i am not the one. i guess initially i had hoped people on this thread would just tell me it’s all in my head and it will be ok. didn’t expect for my anxiety to be confirmed/justified.

 but i guess i am dealing with it now somehow. i told myself i will wait till we see each other again. some sort of ultimatum, i guess. 

Do you think that this relationship heightens your anxiety? You said you feel secure and loved, but you don't know where you stand with him and are afraid to ask him how he feels about you. Those two things seem contradictory. What do you think? 

[Miss Spider]

5 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But that is just assuming stuff. No-one knows if he loves her or not.
It is easy in relationships to do nice stuff, especially when you get validation or get some other reward for doing so.
Yes Gaeta, I also felt he buttered it on thick, but when it comes to "love", he just can't say it.... Hmmm.
A "pretty and cute" guy probably knows exactly how to get what he wants.

I agree with you. Along the vein of the whole, “does it matter?”  I will add that if she is fine with being a guy that will probably never her “love” her “in that way”, then nothing is wrong here, as long as she  feels fulfilled in this relationship and where it’s going.  After all, I’ve felt “in love” with people, but I fell out love with them as most here have.  The problem I see with that, though, and probably the source of the insecurity, is that most people do want to believe they illicit that feeling of “in love” from the man/woman we are with & we want to feel it for them too. So it’s like if they feeling is missing, the higher the likelihood you will eventually seek it from somewhere down the road. I’ve left long-term relationships where I know I was meeting their needs, they were super happy with me, I was going through the motions of a good partner, but I was not 100% happy, because did not feel “in love” with them and after that time I knew it wasn’t going to happen. And I wanted to feel that way with someone. So that’s a high likelihood that if at this point, they don’t feel that, there is something missing for them, even if they themselves don’t know what it is. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[heavenonearth]

2 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Is your boyfriend in frequent long-distance relationships, and does he prefer long-distance relationships in general?

A long-distance relationship is something that many people will experience at some point in their lives. Some are prosperous, while others are not.

Everyone has their own set of personal limitations. The OP must figure out what hers are. Do you have any reliable friends or family members with whom you can talk about this? Although objective opinions can be valuable, I'm not sure if such a varied and massive array of individual perspectives are better at this point. It's possible that it's exacerbating your fear.

no this is his first long distance relationship. no he doesn’t prefer this. it’s very difficult for him and also for me bc we prefer spending time in real life. 

Edited March 24, 2021 by heavenonearth