Laylowb Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) Hi there I need a little help. A girl I've been chasing (even when she was in a relationship) for over a year, i finally got her in december 2020. She decided to leave her ex, because she wanted to start a life with me. The next 2 month were so good, until we had sex (I even took her virginity, which her ex didn't, and they was together for over 2 years). 3 days later, she kind of backed off after that, and told me that things were moving to fast and that she could feel that she wasn't ready for a relationship. even though she thought that she was. She told me that she hopes that we will meet in the future again etc. I accepted it, and went no contact in exactly a month. I wrote her, that she should know that i was missing her, and couldn't really understand why it stopped (It was a bad idea, i know). She responded, that she had been thinking about me as well, but she still needs to be alone and find herself before she gets into something, and that i just needed to have fun and enjoy my life, and that we will overcome this phase (whatever that means). She said that I was fantastic and deserves the best, which she can't be for me right now. I accepted again, and went no contact. 3 days later, she send me a song (Post Malone - Hollywood's Bleeding), and was trying to send me a message through it. I couldn't figure it out, and would not anticipate in her mind games, and left her on read. My question is; is it over? Will she come back? What to do now? Thank you guys. Edited March 17, 2021 by Laylowb Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 You were a rebound. The intensity of a new relationship & having sex for the 1st time was all too much for her & she ran away. It's highly unlikely that she will come back. To her you represent a lot of bad decisions. That perception won't fade over time. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylowb Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 That was not nice to hear, but i rather have the truth tho, so thank you. She told me, that she had never had these feelings for a guy before and that i was the man of her dreams. Do you really think that she lied and was caught in a moment, or does she just need time to rethink? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 28 minutes ago, Laylowb said: A girl I've been chasing (even when she was in a relationship) for over a year, i finally got her in december 2020. She decided to leave her ex, because she wanted to start a life with me. The next 2 month were so good, until we had sex (I even took her virginity, which her ex didn't, and they was together for over 2 years). She rebounded with you. It is never a good idea to chase someone in a relationship. And never a good idea to start a relationship with someone fresh off a break-up. She sounds young, immature and attention-seeking. Close the door on this one for good. She isn't going to come back and stay back. There are better options out there for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 I do not think she lied. Whatever she said to you, I think she believed. I do not know you or your GF but once having been a young woman, I suspect that her virginity played a part in the break up of her 2 year relationship. I've seen this play out before in other contexts. Her EX must have been pushing her for sex, then dumped her. She was heartbroken & vulnerable. There you were. The orbiter who had been hanging around for a year. You seemed like a nice ego boost so she jumped straight from her heartbreak into your arms because it felt good. You soothed some of the pain & she didn't have to deal with her pain. That means she did zero self-reflection & was acting solely on impulse & that impulse was pain avoidance. She never chose you per se; she was simply running away from him. Since virginity played a role in her break up, she made a rash impulsive decision to change her status. Sex with you wasn't the romantic giving of her gift to the man of her dreams because you were deeply in love. It was physical sex without the deep emotional connection she always dreamed of & that reality broke something inside of her. Even though it was her decision & you did nothing wrong, for her it was a bad decision. I know plenty of girls who had their souls crushed because they had sex for all the wrong reasons. In that context looking at you, talking to you, being near you became almost painful because to you having sex with her was a dream come true, to her it was such a negative. She had to get away because you now represent a low moment in her life & constant reminder of what she views as one of the worse decisions of her life. (sorry I know that sucked to read) The above is only my theory. It comes with a lot of supposition but I filled in the gaps with things I have experienced & seen in my own life among my own friends. That may or may not apply to you. Over the internet I really can't say. The best thing you can do is move on. Going forward, don't be the guy somebody days only days or weeks after the end of a long term relationship. When dealing with virgins, let them set the pace. Hold off on sex until you have been together for at least 6 months if not a year. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 41 minutes ago, Laylowb said: The next 2 month were so good, until we had sex (I even took her virginity, which her ex didn't, and they was together for over 2 years). I guess you thought that was a good thing, ie she cares more for you than him, but it wasn't, and she didn't. She rebounded on to you, but you were not him and she ran away as she can't be in a relationship with you, when she is not done with him. I know some men want to grab the opportunity when presented with a free woman fresh out of a relationship, but most need time to heal, to get over it, to get their head on straight, to get back into dating again. Lesson learnt. NEVER get involved with anyone who is not over their ex as therein lies the path to heart ache. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylowb Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 Thanks for your answers! The thing is that she left her boyfriend because of me, she actually left him in the summer 2020 and was thinking about calling me, but she ended up going back. So she had me in her mind all the time, and when we started to speak again in november, in went fast. She decided that she was really in love with me the whole time. And the virginity thing is that they actually tried and she thought that she wasn't a virgin anymore. when we had sex. She will be 24 this summer, so i guess she is not that young, but i agree that she is confused and attention seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylowb Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 Her ex even contacted her when we were together, and she asked me what to answer, because she was done with him and wanted me. I know for a fact, that she is not going back to her ex either, but the question is if she comes back and admit she was wrong with me? The chemistry we had was fantastic, and I could feel that she genuinely liked me Link to post Share on other sites
Author Laylowb Posted March 17, 2021 Author Share Posted March 17, 2021 She actually said that she was thinking about me all the time, and she felt it was unhealthy because she forgot to heal herself first. She also mentioned that we were always trying to loosen up her feelings and never mine, and she would want a real relationship with me where she can be there for me as well, but that she just wasn't ready for that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Dude there is everything wrong in your situation. She sounds emotionally unstable to me. First mistake was to chase a girl who is already in a relationship. And then starting the relationship with her right away she dumped her boyfriend. Idk if it's a rebound or what but 90% of times I have seen such relationship ending within 6 months. To your question she is gone. Look at her actions not words which she spoke when she was in "love" with you. Her actions are clearly saying I don't care about you anymore. If she was missing you in 1 month she'd reach you. Stay no contact move on. It's good she ended soon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Your first mistake was chasing someone who was not available. If you have to chase someone then it probably won't end well. Now she's told you multiple times that she can't be with you. You're wasting your time if you choose not to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 She sounds really mixed up which doesn't make her the best partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Laylowb said: She actually said that she was thinking about me all the time, and she felt it was unhealthy because she forgot to heal herself first. She also mentioned that we were always trying to loosen up her feelings and never mine, and she would want a real relationship with me where she can be there for me as well, but that she just wasn't ready for that yet. Disregard all of this, this is just noise. NO-ONE who is compos mentis breaks up with someone they really want. She is just trying to soften the blow and avoid you hating her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) Sounds like she lost attraction for you from some reason. Rebound is a strong possibility. You seem needy in general so that was never working in your favor. I know TV and movie culture tells you that you need to chase incessantly after women until you finally get them but that doesn't work that well in real life. Hey, you did what many couldn't do, you got out of the friendzone because you were there for her at a vulnerable moment. I think it's over for good, she gave it a try and it wasn't what she thought it would be with you. Edited March 17, 2021 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 3 hours ago, Laylowb said: The thing is that she left her boyfriend because of me, she actually left him in the summer 2020 and was thinking about calling me, but she ended up going back. It's usually a fool's errand to chase anyone who's on/off with a BF. Moving forward would help you put this adventure behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 OP, have you posted this before? The more details you add, the more familiar this sounds. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 Yes there was a message in the song. I don't know the song, but I know what message she meant: something about you need to go on, that you two liked each other, but now is not the time. Both people need to go on separate journeys. If a woman likes you, she'll make that clear dude. BTW: dating someone in relationship is a TERRIBLE, AWFUL, HORRIBLE idea. It takes time to transition from one relationship to the next. That is, unless you want to date a robot. I'm sure a robot can just switch from one person to the next. So of course she wasn't ready. That's a no brainer. This disappointment was all perfect foreseeable. People need breaks between relationships. And by the way, the other problem is you wouldn't have trusted her had she stayed with you. Why? Because she betrayed the ex to be with you. Now, you'd be wondering if she would betray you to be with some new guy. Learn from this ... this is basics of dating 101. Link to post Share on other sites
Thunder27 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, Laylowb said: That was not nice to hear, but i rather have the truth tho, so thank you. She told me, that she had never had these feelings for a guy before and that i was the man of her dreams. Do you really think that she lied and was caught in a moment, or does she just need time to rethink? Same thing happened to me basically. Me and this girl had feelings for each other while we were friends for 6 months. Her and her ex (of 3 years) broke up over a fight, and we went out around 2 weeks after. She said I defined what a relationship should be (even after the break)--we were talking about marriage/kids, and moving out pretty soon. Didn't have sex because of covid, but by the time we did she was already losing interest. It was actually my first time in this scenario and trying to do that with someone cold towards you is not easy, and a week or two after she went totally cold on me. Grief/depression/anxiety played a role in my scenario, but I'd forget about her man, my ex hasn't contacted me and its been 4 months. I guess were both the rebound of immature people - sorry. From what I've seen confusion never plays in our favour -- if she came back she might just do it again. Edited March 17, 2021 by Thunder27 Link to post Share on other sites
Thunder27 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said: So of course she wasn't ready. That's a no brainer. This disappointment was all perfect foreseeable. People need breaks between relationships. I wish I knew this -- I feel like an idiot who lost his dream girl now. Even our mutual friend called us both stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 We learn through experience. Now you know. People often are not finishing grieving when they end one relationship. They haven't broken the mental tie to the other person, the memory of all the habits of the other person. They have not fully separated on an emotional level. Some people, depending on how intense a relationship was, might need a break for a year. But at least a few months. I didn't know about "rebound" until I rebounded with one woman after the breakup with another. I wasn't really interested in this new person. I was just riding a high to escape the grief process (natural and normal process) that I was going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thunder27 Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 21 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: We learn through experience. Now you know. People often are not finishing grieving when they end one relationship. They haven't broken the mental tie to the other person, the memory of all the habits of the other person. They have not fully separated on an emotional level. Some people, depending on how intense a relationship was, might need a break for a year. But at least a few months. I didn't know about "rebound" until I rebounded with one woman after the breakup with another. I wasn't really interested in this new person. I was just riding a high to escape the grief process (natural and normal process) that I was going through. Did you end up having to grieve the first one after the rebound? Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 Actually worse ... a little grieving after the rebound ... then six months later, a lot of grieving. Seemed to come out of nowhere. It didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thunder27 Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Actually worse ... a little grieving after the rebound ... then six months later, a lot of grieving. Seemed to come out of nowhere. It didn't. Wow. My ex had a death in the family shes trying to pretend didn't happened plus she rebounded me and seems to have moved onto someone else already. Shes in for a lot in the future I guess. Interesting stuff, guess you just gotta go through the grief period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 Oh, that pain will come out. At some point, it has to. Or you can find yourself deliberately avoiding pain, and that itself gets you into trouble. I think a good sign that you are along in the grief cycle is when you can integrate the deceased person into your life. You can tell stories about them, the special things you remember about them. If you're avoiding the pain, you can't really do that. Because any lingering on the deceased person's death risks opening up a flood of tears. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 Quote She left me after we had sex So it's not just men. Good to know... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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