RJ09 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 I met him in a chatsite. I'm in my forties and he is in his 20s. I'm separated, with kids, and he's single and quite successful. I'm not into younger guys but he was really fun and smart and we totally connected immediately. Just after a few days, he told me he liked me, loved me really. And I resisted until I couldn't anymore. It was totally awesome and we were super honest with each other. I had my insecurities he had to contend with and he had his depression. It was our way of telling each other that we should be strong when one of us is under our hang-ups. This was an LDR. He planned to visit me once the lockdown is over in his country. He wanted us to have a family. He promised me a forever. And then his depression hits and it was hard for both of us. I tried not to listen to my insecurites and stood by him even when he was getting indifferent and difficult. It was a rollercoaster ride and it wasn't fun, but I did love him and I tried. There were days he was okay, and days he was not. He agonized about everything. Work, the pandemic, the lockdown, us, our distance. I think he was losing control and I did not know what to do anymore. I felt too bad that in a way, I was adding to his problems. And then, he told his friend about me. And told his family about me. And things didn't go well. He couldn't understand why these people couldn't just be happy that he loves me. And he was agonizing about it so much, rattling about it. And I on the other hand, was suffering and hurting hearing all about it, and I just snapped and told him to follow his friend and his family. He accused me that our relationship wasn't as important to me as much as it was to him. And I finally admitted that I was lying, that I was just hurt and I just wanted to push him away. But he was hurt and felt betrayed that he fought for me but I was willing to not do the same thing. I said, I was thinking of making things easier for him, I didn't want him resenting his family. After a few days, he said that he didn't feel the same way he did before for me. And that he no longer wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with me. And I didn't say anything and just stopped talking to him. It hasn't been a week since we broke up and I am alternating between feeling angry, sad, desperate, hurt. I don't know what to think, feel or do. At times, I question myself if he ever loved me at all. He said he wanted to be friends, but I'm so hurt. I worry about him. I know he needs someone through these times but I'm hurting. I feel, I have put up with his moods so many times, I have tried so hard, and yet, when I committed one mistake, which I did because I thought it was the best for him, he couldn't accept it. I want to tell him this, but I can't: Quote I committed one mistake in your eyes you decided to stop loving me. If you did really love me enough to talk of a forever, you can't just stop loving me then in just a matter of days. Either you're stopping yourself from giving me another chance. Or you really didn't love me at all. Perhaps you did expect too much from me. The same way I believed too much in you I miss him terribly and I love him so much. But what do I do? He said we're over and I don't know if I should beg him to be back, when at the back of my mind, us breaking up would be one less thing he would agonize over. I'm so lost. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 I am so sorry this happened to you. Alas it's what happens when you get emotionally attached to people you have never met. You both throw the word "love" around because you are lonely & sad. Clinging to this guy was hope in a dark & uncertain world. He made you smile. It was fun but none of it was reality. Him saying he loved you & talking about a family before you two ever met was a huge red flag, one you chose to ignore because you enjoyed the attention. I get why it happened but you have to take a step back & take a hard look at this unrealistic untenable situation. This 20 something man child has zero idea what real love is. If he did he wouldn't be making promises to a cougar old enough to be his mom who has children to worry about. It was all a lovely romantic fantasy, the stuff movies are made of, but it had no basis in reality When he started talking to you about the negative responses from his friends & family, the reality of what you two were playing at became clear to you. You did the right thing by telling him to listen to them. You knew they were more objective than either of you. He lashed out because he's hurt & upset but doesn't have the maturity to deal with his reaction. He also doesn't want to. It was a nice fantasy & the dream world you two wove allowed him to live on hopium rather than dealing with the harshness of real life. You can't be his friend. You need to heal from this whirlwind too. Just let him be. You will both survive. Time does heal all wounds. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 7 hours ago, RJ09 said: This was an LDR. He planned to visit me once the lockdown is over in his country. Just to clarify before I respond further, have you ever met this man in person? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17, 2021 Share Posted March 17, 2021 8 hours ago, RJ09 said: I'm separated, with kids. This was an LDR. He planned to visit me once the lockdown is over in his country. It was a rollercoaster ride and it wasn't fun Sorry this happened. You seem very vulnerable. Unfortunately, you never met so he could be a scammer, troll, catfishing etc. You dodged a bullet. It will be hard to date while still separated. However set up a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and take a look around at local real-life men. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RJ09 Posted March 18, 2021 Author Share Posted March 18, 2021 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. You seem very vulnerable. Unfortunately, you never met so he could be a scammer, troll, catfishing etc. You dodged a bullet. I did see him through cam. I'd like to believe he is who he is. It doesn't make it easier for me though. I just think now, it is my fault to have fallen for him. He clearly needed someone. And I was too gullible to believe that needing me meant he loved me too. It clearly appears now that that wasn't the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RJ09 Posted March 18, 2021 Author Share Posted March 18, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Just to clarify before I respond further, have you ever met this man in person? No, we haven't met personally. We live in different countries and his is still in a strict lockdown. He was planning to visit in two months' time though. I don't think he was just playing games. He had plans for us. There was nothing disingenuous in what he did. I just think, it's his depression and the overall situation of the pandemic has led him to believe that he loved me. But. I should have known, I shouldn't have fallen for it, shouldn't I? So now, things are doubly hard for me: I have to deal with a broken heart and maybe the fact that I brought this to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RJ09 Posted March 18, 2021 Author Share Posted March 18, 2021 16 hours ago, d0nnivain said: If he did he wouldn't be making promises to a cougar old enough to be his mom who has children to worry about. I don't think he had malice when he did it. He was just visualizing a life with me. He wanted me to migrate and he was willing to support me financially ( this was a sore point between us too since I have repeatedly refused this). I just think he was blinded by the intensity of things. I couldn't blame him - I should have known better, I am older afterall. What tears me so much is that I want so much to be with him until at least their lockdown lifts (he lives alone), but I'm really hurt and I'm afraid of the things I might say and might regret later. I'd like to believe he was hurt too by how everything turned out and I don't want to add anymore to his worries. And I know I should stand by these decisions but everyday, I find myself crying and hurting a bit more and I don't know how long I'd be able to do what I think is right. Because at times, I feel so desperate and just want to beg him for another chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RJ09 Posted March 18, 2021 Author Share Posted March 18, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, RJ09 said: Edited March 18, 2021 by RJ09 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2021 Share Posted March 18, 2021 7 hours ago, RJ09 said: No, we haven't met personally. But. I should have known, I shouldn't have fallen for it, shouldn't I? Well, no, you shouldn't have fallen for it. His family was right to be worried and not enthusiastic about your love. I would be very alarmed if my adult brother told me he was building a life with a woman in another country, whom he'd never met. It just isn't rational or realistic. You surely realize that making life plans with a man you've never even gone a date with is merely fantasy. It might have felt good to have the company and dream of what could be, but you cannot take plans like this seriously. You have no idea how well you'd even get along in person, if there would be chemistry, if you're actually compatible at all when it comes to daily life. You don't truly know this man. A tough lesson to learn, but you would be wise to cut all contact. Reflect on what led you to get so wrapped up in this, so that you don't allow it to happen again. Date locally, when it's safe to do so again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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