Break-Up Support

[RJ09]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Him blocking you is a blessing in disguise. 

Also, after a breakup, the one offering a friendship is usually the one less emotionally invested. There is no way I could play friends just like that with a man I am still in love with. He could, which means he was already detaching. 

Hang in there! better days are coming!

Oooouccch. @Gaeta, I'm beginning to love you, you have a way of sticking a dagger right through my heart and soothing the pain away at the same time 😊.  I really don't want to think he wasn't invested as much in the relationship - I'd like to think he was more into it, that was why he felt that way - anyways, it really doesn't matter now. I can understand him asking for friendship, because I do still want to be friends with him, not just now, I don't when. It's really difficult to find someone who have the same brainwaves same as us, we're aware of that. And he is young - he needs someone who he thinks understands him, that's not surprising, and I don't hold a grudge about that. He's clinically depressed - and I feel bad that I can't offer him support right now. I want to do it for him, but I'm just really in a lot of pain. Maybe someday. And. Right, he has unblocked me an hour after blocking me. And it's making me worried about him again. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, RJ09 said:

l really don't want to think he wasn't invested as much in the relationship

I did not mean he was not invested during the relationship, but at the end he made the decision to detach. You were imposed that detachment. You are experiencing it differently. He broke up because he made some realizations, you 2 aren't in the same place in this breakup process.

You need to move on from this. A friendship will only keep you in an emotional limbo and will keep you from freeing your heart to eventually meet a new man. Friendship is something you can look into when you've moved on and no longer are in love.

At this point a frienship is only about not wanting to let go.

There will be love for you with someone local with whom you can experience a love set in reality. Someone whom you can experience love with your 5 senses.

I've been where you are. I'm glad today it aborted and l got to experience love with someone local l could see & touch. When l think about it l think it was crazy of me to even think of relocating to another country. He was like a drug and it was hell to let him go but it was the best for him and l. 

This young man came into your life to teach you something, maybe it was about teaching you you still have it in you to abandon yourself and fully love. You got/learn something out of this, you will figure it out soon. 

[glows]

54 minutes ago, RJ09 said:

He's clinically depressed - and I feel bad that I can't offer him support right now. I want to do it for him, but I'm just really in a lot of pain. Maybe someday. And. Right, he has unblocked me an hour after blocking me. And it's making me worried about him again. 

Then you block him and start to move on. You're actually wasting your brainwaves worrying over someone with whom you are no longer in a relationship with. When the relationship ends, all levels of support cease. Why? It's because he's not a dependent/child and you are not his parent. It hurts (a lot!) but you push through it and keep telling yourself that it's finished and over. 

Also clinical depression should be handled by doctors and not ordinary people who try to sub in for the treatment that that individual may need. Take care of yourself and don't overextend anymore. Block him if you have to and stay busy. 

[RJ09]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

At this point a frienship is only about not wanting to let go.

I know that. And I haven't jumped into that, really trying not to. If there's something I want to preserve from all these, it's my self respect. I may love him too much but I don't think I can live with myself if I get carried away by my desperation. The friendship will be there, if and when we really need each other - and I guess we are both surviving - moving on a bit, maybe. I try to be forgiving to myself - I don't want to force myself, I know it will take time. So there are bad days and worse days. Just taking it a day at a time, even hours at a time. I am actually proud that I haven't given in to begging and/or bargaining. I'm proud I can still think sensibly. 

[RJ09]

@glows, I am moving on, trying to at least - it may be slow, but I'm doing it. There are things that I am not yet ready, and I won't force myself to do those things. I think more than ever, now is the time for me to be quite understanding and forgiving of myself. 

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You're actually wasting your brainwaves worrying over someone with whom you are no longer in a relationship with.

You can't push and pull feelings just like that. I think it's normal. You worry about pets, why not about people you were close with before. It doesn't mean I'm going to go run to him and console him, even if I want to.

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Also clinical depression should be handled by doctors and not ordinary people who try to sub in for the treatment that that individual may need. 

I didn't try to sub for the treatment he should get. I have read up a bit about it and I know that whatever support I may have offered/offering wouldn't actually help him. It's a blackhole that swallows the person involved. And I'm actually glad that before the breakup, he had actually decided to go back to therapy - and he decided it on his own, without any prompting from me. He's smart. He may do things I'll never understand or refuse to understand, but I know he's got his own reasons.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by RJ09

[glows]

4 minutes ago, RJ09 said:

@glows, I am moving on, trying to at least - it may be slow, but I'm doing it. There are things that I am not yet ready, and I won't force myself to do those things. I think more than ever, now is the time for me to be quite understanding and forgiving of myself. 

That is okay. Move at your own place but definitely don't take it upon yourself to care for him anymore. Good for you for listening to you, all you, understanding you and forgiving whatever past you have shared. The hardest part is putting this in the past tense but you do it also for no one but yourself. 

Sending you lots of love and support. Big HUGS.

[RJ09]

Having a panic attack...seeing things I connect to him and think of it as some sign he might not be doing well. Been stopping myself to contact him the whole day

[glows]

2 hours ago, RJ09 said:

Having a panic attack...seeing things I connect to him and think of it as some sign he might not be doing well. Been stopping myself to contact him the whole day

When I left my last relationship, I broke down when I saw a cracker box (he liked those crackers) in the recycling bin. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It happens. Don't contact him at all. Write here or reach out to friends. You're not alone, stay strong.

[RJ09]

7 hours ago, glows said:

When I left my last relationship, I broke down when I saw a cracker box (he liked those crackers) in the recycling bin. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It happens. Don't contact him at all. Write here or reach out to friends. You're not alone, stay strong.

I'm thinking. Why is it so bad to contact him? 

[RJ09]

Not getting any easier at all

[Gaeta]

On 4/5/2021 at 8:16 PM, RJ09 said:

I'm thinking. Why is it so bad to contact him? 

Because it will set you back in your recovery. You will have to restart the whole process of healing. While you are in touch with him the recovery process will be put on hold. I know I've done that. It took me 4 years to get over a 4 year long relationship because we were in contact almost every day for work. It was a nightmare to see him move on while I was stuck having feelings for him. Don't put yourself through that. 

I am 4,5 months post-breakup and often I come across things that remind me of him, it's part of the process. 

[glows]

How are you doing, RJ09?

[RJ09]

On 4/10/2021 at 2:31 AM, glows said:

How are you doing, RJ09?

I've been going along with life, not well but I've been surviving. But he's texted me twice since the breakup, and everytime it has messed me up. I've been sleeping just every other night since his last text and barely eating. I haven't responded, but I can't bring myself to tell him to stop. I can't bring myself to block him too. It's been literally hell.