Am I being paranoid about him cheating?

[Anon220786]

Im a 31 (F) and partner is 30 (M). We have been in a relationship 3 years. The last 12 months i have become fixated on him.cheating. I'm so scared he will and that i will get hurt and i spend time almost looking for clues. We work together but in separate sections of the building. I go between thinking he has something going on with 2 co workers. One is because he used to have feelings for her before we got together and one was triggered by something minor he did to make me feel a bit funny. Yesterday at work i noticed him and one of the colleagues were both marker 'away' on skype for business for about ten mins. She came back and was active for a few mins and then logged off and was offline for the day. I asked him what he had been doing casually and when he was back 20 mins later said he had been photocopying stuff then snuck off to play some game on his phone he loves atm. I asked if she was still at work as needed her for something and he said he assumes she is but he will check. He then checked and said she isnt in office and looks like desk packed up. Later that night we were talking about it and he said he later found out she had dentist appt and saw her walk out door but didnt realise wasnt coming back. In my mind i have them sneaking off together at work (which we have done so i know its possible). Im thinking why did he have to check if she was gone when i asked if he later said he saw her leave? Am i being completely insane? Or does it not add up. Will accept brutal honesty haha.

The thing that originally triggered me was he put something of hers pinned to his desk and had taken down the same thing of mine that was on his desk. I then noticed a few days later they were talking on skype and he was talking to 3 other people and had their entire chat history but he had deleted their chat history. The message i saw that was there was just about what they were having for dinner but the rest was gone.

I realise i may read into things too much which is why i ask. If i am honest he hasnt really done anything solid to base my suspicions on. I do have trust issues so i get confused if its me or there is something going on. If i didnt have trust issues in the first place i wouldnt be monitoring when they are both active all day. I literally was monitiring them on skype all day. This is another example of ny thinking. She has gone sick today and he is working in another town. So im thinking well she will probably drive to that town to see him. Im basing this on very little i know 

[BaileyB]

You are most definitely spiraling with worry... What can you do to take a step back and calm yourself? One suggestion would be to stop monitoring him online. Your imagination is getting the better of you. Go for a walk. Do some yoga. 

I don’t know if he’s interested in this other woman, but I do know that you will sabotage your relationship if you can’t get control of your anxiety. Have you ever considered counselling? 

A few questions to help with your anxiety - what’s the worst that would happen? If he is cheating, would you be able to deal with that? How would it feel and what would you do? Find the answer to these questions and you may find that your anxiety improves. 

 

Edited March 19, 2021 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

If they like each other that much why aren't they together? Why would he be with a girlfriend when he wants her? Has he cheated before? 

[kendahke]

Don't poop where you eat.

[WWYD]

On 3/19/2021 at 1:14 AM, Anon220786 said:

Im a 31 (F) and partner is 30 (M). We have been in a relationship 3 years. The last 12 months i have become fixated on him.cheating. I'm so scared he will and that i will get hurt and i spend time almost looking for clues. We work together but in separate sections of the building. I go between thinking he has something going on with 2 co workers. One is because he used to have feelings for her before we got together and one was triggered by something minor he did to make me feel a bit funny. Yesterday at work i noticed him and one of the colleagues were both marker 'away' on skype for business for about ten mins. She came back and was active for a few mins and then logged off and was offline for the day. I asked him what he had been doing casually and when he was back 20 mins later said he had been photocopying stuff then snuck off to play some game on his phone he loves atm. I asked if she was still at work as needed her for something and he said he assumes she is but he will check. He then checked and said she isnt in office and looks like desk packed up. Later that night we were talking about it and he said he later found out she had dentist appt and saw her walk out door but didnt realise wasnt coming back. In my mind i have them sneaking off together at work (which we have done so i know its possible). Im thinking why did he have to check if she was gone when i asked if he later said he saw her leave? Am i being completely insane? Or does it not add up. Will accept brutal honesty haha.

The thing that originally triggered me was he put something of hers pinned to his desk and had taken down the same thing of mine that was on his desk. I then noticed a few days later they were talking on skype and he was talking to 3 other people and had their entire chat history but he had deleted their chat history. The message i saw that was there was just about what they were having for dinner but the rest was gone.

I realise i may read into things too much which is why i ask. If i am honest he hasnt really done anything solid to base my suspicions on. I do have trust issues so i get confused if its me or there is something going on. If i didnt have trust issues in the first place i wouldnt be monitoring when they are both active all day. I literally was monitiring them on skype all day. This is another example of ny thinking. She has gone sick today and he is working in another town. So im thinking well she will probably drive to that town to see him. Im basing this on very little i know 

 

This reads like something my ex might've posted!  Which is precisely why she's now my ex...

[Wiseman2]

Pathogical jealousy is rarely isolated. It's usually a symptom of other mental health problems.

It would be best to talk to your doctor and therapist about the 'delusions of infidelity'.(google it)

With appropriate medical management and supportive therapy, you'll feel a lot better.

 

[thewoomensay]

Dear paranoid girlfriend,

My first question to you is: what happened in the last year to cause you to fixate on him? Your letter states you have been together for three years, but your suspicion started only in the past twelve months, so my question is why now?

To be honest, this is a fifty-fifty situation. On one hand, you are paranoid. You spend an excessive amount of time tracking your partner. The amount of energy you put into this could very well be spent in doing something constructive for yourself or your relationship. Whatever we focus on expands. Right now, even if there is nothing going on, with the way you are obsessing, you are bound to find something, regardless of it being useful or not.

On the other hand, it is a bit suspicious when people clear their chat history. Especially when we know the person they are communicating with is someone they used to have feelings for. The second strike is also the primary real estate this woman’s token is currently holding on his desk. If it is the same object, why did he remove yours and placed hers? Also, how do you know it is hers and not yours?

The problem with paranoia is how much it makes you second-guess yourself. If something is indeed happening between them, there is no way you can stop it. You may be able to catch them, but not stop them. Does that make sense? If he wants to cheat on you, there is nothing you can do to prevent it.

In the end, I think your actions may be more destructive than helpful. No one likes an insecure person. Try to find peace, somehow. If he cheats, yes it will hurt, but you will survive. It looks like you have been through it before, hence the true root cause of your insecurities. As you can see, you lived to tell and even found love afterwards. This will be the same.

It would be horrible to lose someone you like just because you fail to reign your demons. Take all the energy you are investing in being a detective and channel them into being an incredible lover and partner. Ask him about his day. Share yours. Rather than stalking him on skype, research a fun way to spend the weekend with him. For the sake of your sanity and your relationship, stop obsessing with this thought. Focus on being a great partner, and you will not have to worry about any competition.

Best of luck and keep us posted!

[smackie9]

I have been in the coworker's shoes...just going about my day, talking /working with a guy that had an obsessively jealous GF. She worked reception and had a view of our surveillance cameras.

One day he offered to help (which is normal!) put away some cleaning supplies in a room where a camera was just outside. So we are in there talking/ joking with each other as he was carrying in the heavier boxes and me loading the shelves. Then out of nowhere his GF comes roaring into the warehouse, runs over to us, chews him out, saying it was inappropriate for us to be in a room together then storms off. I was just flabbergasted, he was embarrassed. wtf? IMO she should have been fired for misconduct and creating a hostile work environment.

Ya don't be that gf...get some help.

Edited March 24, 2021 by smackie9