glynnroy Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 So after a 4.5 year relationship and living with some one at her home for 3 years , the relationship is over , this was 3 months ago . I know I know I should have gone NC but we have a dog together ( and I still have to shift my hot tub ) and had to sort out who was having him and if we could , so I was going back to see him walking him abs yes a bit to see her , as we didn’t want to give him away , in the end we had his bits done and she is keeping him . we had a good relationship, she told me more than once she adored me , we went to nice places , I bought her nice clothes and like an idiot did her house up as we was supposed to be moving into a bigger house when we first split up it was her saying “ I can’t give you what you want “ but something wasn’t right before , I kept asking her this and I just got “ I’m going through the menopause it’s not you “ I asked her one night “ do you love me “ she says yes , I said “ are you in love with me “ she said I don’t know . That’s where I stopped it and basically said that’s not enough , so it was basically partially both , but she’s taking the credit for it , I was more upset than her and showed more emotions , she said let’s see where we are later , jus talk I think to stop me from hurting as much going back to see the dog , she cooked me meals , had a good laugh and joke , kiss on the cheek when I left and a cuddle , she even came to look at my new house I'm Moving into and linked my arm on the way around to it , she what’s the best for me she says , she’s coming across as happy so must have been playing on her mind for a while now all this is confusing , so I rung her last week and said look , I need to stop coming through and doing what we’re doing , we split up 2 months ago and acting like it’s not happening in a way , she’s very cold in a way towards it and just says , you got to do where right for you , I’m no contact now for about a week , tempted to text to see how she is but I’m not going to I have to get in-touch in about 2 months for my hot tub shifting other than that , I need to stay strong , I have her key still for the house but I’ll drop it off next time or just bin it Learned my lesson a hard way , regarding finances , good job I managed to invest some to get a house and do it up Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 16 minutes ago, glynnroy said: “ I can’t give you what you want “ What is it you wanted? Whatever it was, was the final nail in the coffin. It seems like she wasn't happy. Whatever work you perform on a place you considered your residence is not recoverable. If you can stay friends because of the dog, that's fine. Eventually, you'll have to move on because one or both of you is going to start dating looking for a more compatible situation than this was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 That was her that said “ I can’t give you what you want “ not sure what she meant by that , I’m presuming , sex , relationship , Never got an answer Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 2 minutes ago, glynnroy said: Not sure what she meant by that , I’m presuming , sex , relationship There was no sex or relationship? Sounds like she wanted more than just playing house like roommates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: There was no sex or relationship? Sounds like she wanted more than just playing house like roommates. We had sex a week before we split up . I said to her , non of this makes sense , it was my birthday in October and you bought me a £1500 Watch , you bought me nice things for Christmas ( just before we split up ) she says I just wanted you to be happy mmmm Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Just now, glynnroy said: We had sex a week before we split up What did she mean by "I can't give you what you want"? That didn't come out of nowhere because you know what she meant and it was the entire reason for the breakup. None of the sex or fancy gifts matter if she threw you out, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 Ok point taken but harsh but to the point . I suppose she wasn’t happy why else would I be out on my arse , trying to soften it but end of the day the decision has been made it’s over hurts man. But I’ll survive cheers 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Well, you know. As with so many things said at the end of a relationship, it's pretty much impossible to figure out what exactly they meant, especially when it's something as cryptic as that. It's possible that she herself couldn't tell you what she meant by that sentence. These things are usually just a stand-in for "I want out". That's the relevant bit. Everything else is words written with a stick in water. You, too, will only understand the bigger picture of the relationship and its failure as both time and you move on. Don't get hung up on specific sentences or how cold she was in this instance or how hot she was in that instance. You already know the relevant bit, and figuring out the rest will come in time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 19, 2021 Author Share Posted March 19, 2021 Thankyou for that just takes time , the one thing you have to ask your self is , will it work if I went back , will all the same problems and issues be there , probably time to move on and get myself sorted , might be a blessing in disguise who knows thanks agaib 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StoryOfMyLifeYes Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Man, you seem to be progressing at an amazing pace. I'm still needing to read loads of coaching websites and books (and this forum) to set my head straight every day. You're right on the money, going back is not an option, the relationship was not working, otherwise it would still be there. Hang in there and don't get discouraged by setbacks, create a new routine and remember to stay in NC at all cost. We'll get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 You had an amicable breakup done with respect of each other. It will be hard at first but you'll be ok, you already have a new house to be proud of. When I hit menopause my bf of 5 years found his solution in sleeping around. Dealing with betrayal, lying, cheating, misleading will make a breakup very difficult. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, like @StoryOfMyLifeYes I spend a lot of time reading articles on moving on, listening to youtube many life coaches, I ordered a couple of books, and slowly you'll move toward acceptance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
primer Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 (edited) Did you criticize her a lot? When I ended it with my ex, I told him he would never be happy with me. (Similar to I can't give you what you want.) According to him: I looked at him funny, I talked in the wrong tone of voice, he didn't know why he stayed, we didn't have enough sex, we never did anything or went anywhere. He was surprised and sad when I told him to move out. Edited March 19, 2021 by primer Link to post Share on other sites
TeddyBundy1993 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Breaks up are hard man. And as always you did the same mistake of keeping in contact even after the break up. I feel you man. We're you blindsided completely ? Or you did see this coming? With what I understand there is certain attachment even after break up due to which couples still talks, which obviously decreases as time passes. That's why I always suggest dont go for friendship bullshit after you've been left and were really attached. Haha as far as financial concerns dude atleast you made some investment for yourself there are many unfortunate men out there loosing half or almost entire of their earning to nasty divorce & child support. Stay strong, few years down the line this break up or her won't matter that much. Keep no contact... for your wellbeing & self respect Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Fair enough that you left, because if she wasn't 'in love' you'd always have that feeling of insecurity hovering over your relationship, plus a little resentment, plus an imbalance. Even when the honeymoon period's over you still need to have that feeling of special closeness and romantic love between you or else you're just friends who sleep together and share a living environment, so I think you're doing the right thing by staying away. I'm acquainted with a couple who have that dynamic, you can see he's head over heels in love, but she's not, (it's obvious), and it's clear to anyone observing that he's being royally used. He spoils her, spends a lot of money on her, he's fixed up her home to the point of adding around $50k in value to it, but I know that if he pushed for "in love" he'd be disappointed. As long as he tolerates this status quo he's safe, but if he rocked the boat he'd be out. You can dress it up as friendship, or whatever, but when your presence in a partners life is a material benefit to them and they tell you they're not in love with you, you're being used. Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 When the dumper says "I can't give you what you want" it usually means "I'm not getting what I want". Nothing more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 2 hours ago, trident_2020 said: When the dumper says "I can't give you what you want" it usually means "I'm not getting what I want". Nothing more. I'd use it to mean something completely different. For me, it would be a backhanded way of addressing them wanting change me. At the high end, this might mean that I'm tired of them nagging or correcting me. At the mild end, it might be because they want a different type of relationship to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 23 hours ago, StoryOfMyLifeYes said: Man, you seem to be progressing at an amazing pace. I'm still needing to read loads of coaching websites and books (and this forum) to set my head straight every day. You're right on the money, going back is not an option, the relationship was not working, otherwise it would still be there. Hang in there and don't get discouraged by setbacks, create a new routine and remember to stay in NC at all cost. We'll get through this. Well I’ve been in no contact for a week and it hurts like hell , it’s worst now than it was in December, I think this is because I know it’s final and I can’t go back , I just want to ring her and see how it is , but she hasn’t done that for me , but it’s still tempting to ease the pain Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 4 minutes ago, glynnroy said: I just want to ring her and see how it is , but she hasn’t done that for me , but it’s still tempting to ease the pain You don't want to do that because one day you'll ring her and she'll tell you all about her new man and it will hurt even more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 Good point , god this is so hard , it’s like anxiety all the time , sick of reaching out to friends and telling them the same old story Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 @glynnroy: It is hard, about 30 days after my breakup I felt family & friends had heard enough of my breakup. I'm waiting on a call back from a therapist, I am sure it will do me some good to express myself to someone neutral. I know it's hard to believe this feeling will go away with time but it does. I am 3 months post breakup and I have ups and downs but much more ups. I had 0 contact with my ex, I deleted him everywhere, deleted our pictures, threw away all I could get rid of. I envy you for living in a new place with nothing around you to remind you of her. My ex renovated my home just a few months ago and everything I love in my home he had made with his 2 hands. That's the hard part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author glynnroy Posted March 20, 2021 Author Share Posted March 20, 2021 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: @glynnroy: It is hard, about 30 days after my breakup I felt family & friends had heard enough of my breakup. I'm waiting on a call back from a therapist, I am sure it will do me some good to express myself to someone neutral. I know it's hard to believe this feeling will go away with time but it does. I am 3 months post breakup and I have ups and downs but much more ups. I had 0 contact with my ex, I deleted him everywhere, deleted our pictures, threw away all I could get rid of. I envy you for living in a new place with nothing around you to remind you of her. My ex renovated my home just a few months ago and everything I love in my home he had made with his 2 hands. That's the hard part. Mine s similar to yours where by mine is three months , it’s weird because I got to a stage about 6 weeks ago where I was fine and now I’m worst than ever you get these thoughts about her sleeping with other men and how your not worthy of any else as you’ve been rejected , but it’s a time issue . I did her house up spent a fortune and it’s gone , the things I did for her are insane , she s come out if it ok , but I’m getting my new house which will be mint , you’ve been dumped she was the dumper so she’s laughing her tits off as the house is done up . like I said ,,it’s tempting to text her and ring , we’ve got a dog together and one of the reasons I went through , but 50% was for the dog and 50% was for her She’s a good looking girl , won’t be long before she’s with some one else went through all This with mother of my kids , broke my heart , I’m too soft and crap at relationships Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 There is definitely a bump for the dumpee at 3 months mark, l felt it this week. Every day l was thinking about messaging him and memories of us kept popping back in my mind. Yesterday it stopped and i'm ok now. I think it's indicative i'm about to let go and the mind is grasping at anything it can. Don't torture yourself with what she might be doing. My ex cheated on me with a collection of ugly women who are no competition to me. It's hard to understand so l don't try. I concentrate on the coming summer and going back to dating looking fabulous! Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 10 hours ago, basil67 said: I'd use it to mean something completely different. For me, it would be a backhanded way of addressing them wanting change me. At the high end, this might mean that I'm tired of them nagging or correcting me. At the mild end, it might be because they want a different type of relationship to me. I think we're saying the same thing. The dumper might not be getting what they want, which is a partner that doesn't nag or correct them. Link to post Share on other sites
RJ09 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 I'd like to ask. When someone dumps you, should you just accept it? When do you fight for it? Link to post Share on other sites
trident_2020 Posted March 20, 2021 Share Posted March 20, 2021 Yes. Never. Link to post Share on other sites
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