She 'doesn't see future with me'

[mn7]

tldr: Ex broke up with me this week and requested not to talk as much for a little while. This is after 6 months of talking to me every day all day. She said she doesn't see a future with me now that she stepped back and thought about it.

I dated this girl for about 6 months and she broke up with me a few days ago. About a month ago she said she wanted to step back from the relationship and work on herself. She has a new counselor and says this is her recommendation. So, we stopped hanging out but she wanted to keep talking to me over texts. We texted all day every day. But, she initiated all conversations, which was her request.

I noticed that after about 3 weeks of this she stopped initiating telling me that she loves me and stuff like that, which she was doing daily. If I said it though, she would reply with it too. Then, a few days ago she said she needed to stop talking to me and said she doesnt think she has feelings and wants to be single. She said that she doesn’t know if she has those feelings anymore and she has to allow me to move on. She said she just doesn’t see long term now that she has stepped away and had some time to think things through. She said she needs to "step further away and prob cut off communication. I know that’s hard and I do feel bad but I don’t know if I have those feelings anymore and I have to allow u to move on"

This also comes after she hung out with some of her friends a few days prior. I believe those friends do not approve of our relationship. So, I think they may be adding influence.

This comes pretty out of the blue for me. She texted me literally all day every day and we had sooooo many conversations about our connection and she said she thinks that we’re soulmates, etc. We talked all the time about anything and everything. She would send lots of texts just stating, “thinking of you” randomly throughout the day. 

Other noteworthy details are that she has broken up with me before and said she just needed to figure herself out. She normally would then continue talking to me and spoke about how we’ll likely end up together eventually. We would joke that she can’t go 24hrs without texting me. This time she is NOT saying that at all. She made a comment after breaking up saying that there was definitely something there between us but that she also thinks that she just wanted someone to love her so bad because she wasn’t loved for so long and that she doesn’t think she’s right right person as much as we thought she was.

She broke up with her previous Ex just a few months before meeting me and she said while breaking up with me that "we were so fast I didnt give myself time to heal and I think I was in love with the fact that someone was treating me so well."

I texted her about 24hrs later to say that she’s on my mind and say goodnight. She replied minutes later saying I was on her mind a few times that day and that she “just needs this time.” I told her I’d leave her alone for a few days and said goodnight. She replied “goodnight, thanks again for making me smile it was sweet"

We normally met up on Tuesdays. I want to see her again this coming Tuesday. One of the times she broke up with me before, we met up, made out, and got back together a few days later. So, I want to try that again! I was thinking of asking her on Tuesday if she wanted to meet up for a hug…. which is something we used to talk about alot, how much we love each others hugs. I really think that if we meet up she’ll want to get back together. If not, I’m not really going to be in much more pain than I am in now, so why not, right?

Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to move on and accept that this may be done for good. I think about her all day and have trouble sleeping at night. I’ve been talking to other girls on various dating apps to try and move on. I have a date tonight that I’m hoping will help. I’m seeking some kinda validation from this date that I am a great catch, deserving of someone’s love, and can find others! I’m not very physically attracted to this date but thats ok, its just a date. I also stopped working out as much while dating this girl (mostly due to the weather), so I’ve been doing that again which I read should help me.

I’ve read that I should work on myself and do things for myself to show that I’ve moved on. The problem with that is we’re not connected on social media, my accounts are all super private, and we have no mutual friends, so she’d never know. I’ve made lists of things that I’ve done differently, good and bad, since I’ve dated her, and will be working on correcting some of my negative changes… but to be honest, they’re pretty minor and most people wouldn’t even know.

I just really feel that this girl is the one, our connection was unbelievable and I’ve never felt like that before with any of my previous relationships.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, mn7 said:

We normally met up on Tuesdays. I want to see her again this coming Tuesday. One of the times she broke up with me before, we met up, made out, and got back together a few days later. So, I want to try that again! 

May I ask why?

My guy, where is your self-respect? This girl has now dumped you twice. She has told you she thinks she just wanted someone to love her and that she didn't spend enough time healing from her last relationship. She also told you she doesn't believe she has the right feelings for you to continue dating. These are not the words and behaviour of someone who genuinely loves you. Trying to get back together again after this absurdity will likely lead right to a third break-up. 

You need to learn when to let go. This is one of those times. She isn't feeling it the way you are and is trying to be gentle about it. You feel she is The One, but it is pretty clear that she doesn't feel that way. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, but it appears that she rebounded with you or has possibly got her ex still in the wings. 

Don't flush your dignity down the terlet by chasing her. 

Edited March 19, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[mn7]

Thank you ExpatInItaly. We had such a good connection and we both had the same feelings for each other. Her other Ex still is in the wings and tried to get back together with her most of the time we were dating. I have a really hard time accepting that she doesn't feel the same for me that she did a few weeks prior. Nothing has changed other than us not seeing each other.

There's a million other fish in the sea and I've dated quite a few of them, but man... the vibe I shared with this girl was unlike anything else, and she said the same many many times.

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, mn7 said:

I dated this girl for about 6 months and she broke up with me a few days ago

she has broken up with me before and said she just needed to figure herself out. 

She broke up with her previous Ex just a few months before meeting me and she said while breaking up with me that "we were so fast I didnt give myself time to heal and I think I was in love with the fact that someone was treating me so well."

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she may be talking to or on/off with this ex.

Step back and go no contact. It gives you time to reflect.

[mn7]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she may be talking to or on/off with this ex.

Step back and go no contact. It gives you time to reflect.

Thank you. She’s definitely talking to him on some level, they have a child together. He tried to get back together with her while we were dating but she rejected him.

[mn7]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she may be talking to or on/off with this ex.

Step back and go no contact. It gives you time to reflect.

Thinking about it a little bit, I think that may actually be what's going on. The other time she broke up with me she said she needed to assess whether she had any feelings for him before dumping him for good. We still talked, then about a week or so later she got back together with me. I guess its different this time because she said she said she doesn't see a future with me. They broke up because the guy cheated on her and they went to counseling to discuss co-parenting strategies and she mentioned that he's made some changes that she was asking him to make.

So, if she is giving this guy another shot, or even debating it... what should my course of action be? Is that a dumb question? I feel like I was the side dude, but mannn.... the connection we shared was something else.

[Alpacalia]

She seems to want to end up with her ex-boyfriend. She returns to you every time she tries to mend her relationship with her ex and it fails.

[trident_2020]

She's got you on her strings like a puppet.

You really need to find your self respect. Dig deep, it's in there somewhere.

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, mn7 said:

Thinking about it a little bit, I think that may actually be what's going on. The other time she broke up with me she said she needed to assess whether she had any feelings for him before dumping him for good. We still talked, then about a week or so later she got back together with me. I guess its different this time because she said she said she doesn't see a future with me. They broke up because the guy cheated on her and they went to counseling to discuss co-parenting strategies and she mentioned that he's made some changes that she was asking him to make.

So, if she is giving this guy another shot, or even debating it... what should my course of action be? Is that a dumb question? I feel like I was the side dude, but mannn.... the connection we shared was something else.

Sounds like you have your answer but that you are struggling to accept it. She and her ex-boyfriend who have a child together will forever be linked because of their child. 

I would grey rock her (i.e. stop responding to her texts that she initiates with you; those are just when she needs emotional validation and you're her source of that). You deserve to be with a woman who is 100& emotionally and physically available to you. She's clearly not. Do not accept her breadcrumbs anymore. She's shown you that you're needs are just not her priority to her anymore. You're just an easy source of validation to her wounded ego, which is not your job to fix, either. Remember that. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, mn7 said:

. The other time she broke up with me she said she needed to assess whether she had any feelings for him before dumping him for good. 

That's awful. Sounds like you were collateral damage in their on/off nonsense

Sadly this is quite common.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, mn7 said:

Thank you ExpatInItaly. We had such a good connection and we both had the same feelings for each other. Her other Ex still is in the wings and tried to get back together with her most of the time we were dating.

Unfortunately, this is not accurate. 

You wouldn't have been dumped twice by this girl in 6 months if she felt the same way about you. I don't say that to be unkind or insensitive, but you're in denial here. I think you need to prepare yourself to hear that she's back with him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, mn7 said:

So, if she is giving this guy another shot, or even debating it... what should my course of action be? Is that a dumb question? ù

Nothing, apart from accepting that this is over. 

You can't make someone want to be with you. 

[d0nnivain]

17 hours ago, mn7 said:

I just really feel that this girl is the one, our connection was unbelievable and I’ve never felt like that before with any of my previous relationships.

You may feel that but she doesn't.  She has stepped back from this relationship multiple times even though it has a very short duration, 6 months.  It has never been working for her.  The fact that you find the connection "unbelievable" & are thinking she's "the One" while she's been searching for the door the whole time breaks my heart for you. 

Your course of action is to let her go.  

[Marc878]

You’ve got the “I love her so she must love me too” syndrome. That’s not how it works. 
You end up chasing or text pestering it’ll just push her away.

It’s words (which can be meaningless) versus actions (which tell you more).

Stop looking for magic fixes and over analyzing everything she’s says/does and go your own way.

There is no such thing as soulmate or one and only. There are many who could fit that bill.

Like most you’ll probably live on hopium awhile. They never want to be the bad person so will try and let you down easy so you’ll end up keeping yourself tied up in this.

Sorry but It sounds like you were just a rebound.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Well I hate to break the bad news, but you did NOT have a great vibe with her. You yourself FELT a great vibe with her and assumed there was a great vibe with her. That she broke up with you says for her this was NOT a great vibe.

This is the painful and confusing truth we all face when what we assume was a great relationship is suddenly ended by the other person. By definition, that means the relationship was NOT working for the other person. And the reason it wasn't working for them could have nothing to do with you. Could be she's still attached to her ex, could be that she really likes you but she doesn't have energy enough to be in a relationship. Could be you saw her best side and then she got exhausted hiding her other sides.

Now, to some brutal logic here. You're assuming she was as happy as you. So here is what you have to think in order for her to want to get back with you. You have to conclude that this is a woman who turns her back on a great love for no good reason. You have to conclude that this is a woman who does not know when she is happy. Those are the things you have to think in order to conclude that her dumping you was a mistake.

Now the kicker: you do NOT want to date someone who doesn't know when they're happy. That disqualifies them as a good partner right there. And you do not want to date someone who would recklessly turn their back on a great relationship. Again, that disqualifies them as a good partner. 

Trust me: think of any woman you broke up with. (You say you dated a lot.) Surely some of these women really were into you and were shocked and stunned and in disbelief that you wanted out. Now think back to your feelings. Most likely you had strong strong reasons for wanting out, you have overwhelmingly clear reasons you wanted out. You just didn't tell her because you wanted to spare her feelings. 

Flip it: there are things she dislikes about the relationship (even if she likes you) ... there are things missing from the relationship for her (even though you didn't feel this or notice this) ... and most likely her feelings are quite strong. She's just not sharing those feelings with you. 

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[mn7]

So much great feedback, thank you everyone, I really appreciate it.

One thing I didn't mention was that when we first got together and started expressing the I love you's, she confided in me that she initially had no intention to date. She wanted to just find a dude to sleep with but that she developed feelings for me. Thinking about that now, that's exactly what wound up happening. She dated me for a while and then likely is going back to her Ex.

I'm still thinking about her all the time and having that crappy feeling of my heart sinking into my chest. One thing I've been trying is to look at it much more logically and focus on the things I wasn't happy with. There's an ugly photo or two that she's sent me that I look at from time to time to remind myself that she wasn't this unbelievable goddess. There are also things I wasn't thrilled about, such as her career and what I perceive was a lack of drive. If I had to give advice to someone else I'd say dump this girl like a bad habit and find someone that checks all the boxes AND wants to be with me. I just can't cross that brain barrier of my emotions vs logic. You all are giving me great logical advice that I agree with, but my heart doesn't agree.

I'm just really having a hard time with this still. Thinking about it now and based on alot of your comments, she maybe didn't feel the same way that I do if she decided to break up. However, I just find that so hard to believe based on her actions and our conversations. She would drive over 3 hours every weekend to drop off her child with her parents for her to spend the weekend with me. We'd talk all the time. She professed her love for me so many different ways. It's just mind boggling.

I'm guessing that she maybe wasn't ready to commit to the life change of truly leaving her Ex, being in a serious long-term relationship with someone else, and dealing with all the child-related stuff that she would have had to go through.

I divorced my wife of 17 years a little while back and when I finally made the decision to do it, my heart was set on NEVER getting back together with her. It was a much different feeling than when we would have problems and goto counseling. I had literally no interest at all in trying to fix things when I was finally done. I don't think this girl hit that stage apparently. She told me that when her Ex would cheat on her and break up with her, she would still do things like give him gift cards for his birthday to go out with his friends and new gf, which she said was stupid of her. 

But man, this hurts and I really really don't want to accept it.

Edited March 20, 2021 by mn7

[dangerous]

Its understandable you dont want to lose the good times.

I'll bet there were lots of red flags and drama too, but we fool ourselves and forget those.

Many of us have been there. 

I can tell you of a recent "love" of mine: 3 years: "soul mates" etc.

As soon as we finished, she got with a new guy and within weeks she put all over social media, he was her "soul mate". Here I am a year later, no contact, and she is engaged to be married! I guess this time, he must really be her soul-mate. Good luck to them lol 

Anyway, man, you are better out of it. Focus on looking after yourself.

PS: Just read your last post. and those red flags are there aplenty!

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by dangerous

[Lotsgoingon]

Good job to turn on some negativity here, but again, dude, the women you dumped would probably say the same thing: that you seemed SO HAPPY with them. They probably said at the time that you just did x for them, looked happy with them, seemed pleased, that you just went to the movies with them, had great sex, that you liked their friends, met their families and on and on. Same thing.

Note: our radar are imperfect. When we're really into someone (especially with the intensity you describe), that someone can be halfway into us and we'll often not feel it. Happens all the time. 

Now I see five red flags that you ignored here, each of them serious.

Red flag #1: 

She broke up with her previous Ex just a few months before meeting me.

This is almost ways disastrous bro. You're not in your early 20s, you gotta know this by now. People don't have exes out of their system in a few months. 

Red flag #2:

About a month ago she said she wanted to step back from the relationship and work on herself. 

This is a hugely obvious one and could have been your time to snap out of denial and to get extremely curious to find out what was going on. You write as if you had no warning. You had a month of warning! You just couldn't adjust to reality.

Red flags #3 & 4 (revealed in one sentence):

She told me that when her Ex would cheat on her and break up with her, she would still do things like give him gift cards for his birthday to go out with his friends and new gf, which she said was stupid of her.

Actually that's two red flags there: that she would still do stuff for the cheater and that she was hanging with the cheater with the new gf. Come on bro, what self-respecting acts like this? Clearly she was deeply, even troublingly, self-destructively attached to her ex. Dude, that's a red flag you gotta catch. I don't what your heart feels. You gotta catch that and interrogate the hell out of her on this before even THINKING of thinking about getting involved with her. Now, if you just wanted sex, fine. If you wanted a relationship, you needed to interrogate her attachment to her ex. I don't mean mildly asking. I mean really probing and listening and being open to some weirdness that you didn't expect. Doesn't matter that she said this was stupid. In fact, that she was aware this was stupid actually makes clear she couldn't help herself. That's how powerful this attachment was.

Red flag #5:

This is after 6 months of talking to me every day all day.

What are you, some love-crazed teenager? You do NOT want to talk to someone everyday (other than briefly texting on some days) and you don't want to be talking (texting I assume) all day. The constant talk is just evidence of temporary intoxication. There is no firmness to the connection. You'd have a better connection if you saw each other 2x a week and texted a bit on other days ... and said simple hellos on two days a week. No relationship can sustain talking to someone everyday all day. Sorry bro. Again, you're not a teenager, time for you to know this.

That's five red flags, and I would bet that if you shared more details, there would be more! Question: how much did you guys hang out together in person given Covid?

 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[dramafreezone]

If she doesn't see a future with you, you should certainly believe that.  Everything else is noise for the purpose of lettting you down easy. 

Some people place a great emphasis on what their friends think about their significant others.  If they don't like you for whatever reason you're fighting a serious uphill battle.

Gotta love it how she frames it how she's actually doing this for your benefit.  It sounds like she's be pulliing away for quite some time.   Maybe it would be helpful for you to do a post-mortem analysis.  How did the last two months go?  Are you an overly compliant person?  Do you just go along with whatever she wants?  Do you argue and just give in?  Do you tolerate disrespect?

I ask this because her framing this about how she's doing all of this so you can move on makes it appear to me that she views you as too nice and too compliant, someone she knows is a kind person, but not really a man that stands up for himself. 

[Interstellar]

I got exhausted reading all this back and forth from her. Forget her. Block and delete her out of your life.

[mn7]

Red flag #1: 

She broke up with her previous Ex just a few months before meeting me.

This is almost ways disastrous bro. You're not in your early 20s, you gotta know this by now. People don't have exes out of their system in a few months. 

She was with the guy for about 11 years and they have a kid together. I viewed this as a red flag initially because she talked about him quite a bit in the beginning. But, it made sense why she would bring it up during conversations so I didn't put too much thought into it. Looking back... yea, she wasn't over him.

 

Red flag #2:

About a month ago she said she wanted to step back from the relationship and work on herself. 

This is a hugely obvious one and could have been your time to snap out of denial and to get extremely curious to find out what was going on. You write as if you had no warning. You had a month of warning! You just couldn't adjust to reality.

I felt like this was the beginning of the end for me. I definitely spent the month in denial. I was so conflicted though because I accepted her explanation that she needed a little time to step back and really figure out what she wanted since she basically just hopped into a relationship with me after her Ex. The amount and type of communication was consistent with before and she constantly professed her love for me and appreciation so I tried to put a positive spin on it in my head that she won't actually dump me if she's saying all of that stuff on her own.

 

Red flags #3 & 4 (revealed in one sentence):

She told me that when her Ex would cheat on her and break up with her, she would still do things like give him gift cards for his birthday to go out with his friends and new gf, which she said was stupid of her.

Actually that's two red flags there: that she would still do stuff for the cheater and that she was hanging with the cheater with the new gf. Come on bro, what self-respecting acts like this? Clearly she was deeply, even troublingly, self-destructively attached to her ex. Dude, that's a red flag you gotta catch. I don't what your heart feels. You gotta catch that and interrogate the hell out of her on this before even THINKING of thinking about getting involved with her. Now, if you just wanted sex, fine. If you wanted a relationship, you needed to interrogate her attachment to her ex. I don't mean mildly asking. I mean really probing and listening and being open to some weirdness that you didn't expect. Doesn't matter that she said this was stupid. In fact, that she was aware this was stupid actually makes clear she couldn't help herself. That's how powerful this attachment was.

You hit the nail on the head there. I 100% started the relationship with the idea of just having sex with her for a couple weeks and moving on. I had no intentions of making it last a long time. I even lied to her about my name, age, and life because I had 0 intentions of anything other than some real quick fun. It wasn't long before I developed really strong feelings for her and she did as well. The lying was a big deal initially but she moved past it and we joked about it until the end. After we both started saying that we were in love with each other she told me that she also didn't intend on having a serious relationship in the beginning and that she just wanted to have some fun since her Ex cheated on her and she was now single. However, she explained that this was unlike anything she ever felt before... and I actually still believe that. But, I think you're 100% right in that she's very attached to this guy.

 

Red flag #5:

This is after 6 months of talking to me every day all day.

What are you, some love-crazed teenager? You do NOT want to talk to someone everyday (other than briefly texting on some days) and you don't want to be talking (texting I assume) all day. The constant talk is just evidence of temporary intoxication. There is no firmness to the connection. You'd have a better connection if you saw each other 2x a week and texted a bit on other days ... and said simple hellos on two days a week. No relationship can sustain talking to someone everyday all day. Sorry bro. Again, you're not a teenager, time for you to know this.

You're right, and this was a big turn off for me for a while. Many times I would see my phone light up and sigh because it was like, ugh, let me do my own thing. She had real bad anxiety and would frequently question if I was ghosting her because of something she said or did. The constant reassurance was very tiresome for me. Oddly enough, now I crave it? 

 

Question: how much did you guys hang out together in person given Covid?

We hung out every Tuesday for like 4 hours while her child was in her activity, and just about every weekend she would come over and spend the full weekend with me. There was a weekend or two where there were schedule conflicts. Since everything out here was pretty much shut down, our Tuesday hangouts we typically drove to an empty parking lot and just sat in the car chatting it up, making out, and usually having sex. Additionally, we usually saw each other for an hour or two another day of the week. Lots of in-person hanging out. I have a child that lives with me during the week so it was pretty much the maximum we could given our kids. (we never met each other's kids, on purpose.)

[mn7]

27 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If she doesn't see a future with you, you should certainly believe that.  Everything else is noise for the purpose of lettting you down easy. 

Some people place a great emphasis on what their friends think about their significant others.  If they don't like you for whatever reason you're fighting a serious uphill battle.

Gotta love it how she frames it how she's actually doing this for your benefit.  It sounds like she's be pulliing away for quite some time.   Maybe it would be helpful for you to do a post-mortem analysis.  How did the last two months go?  Are you an overly compliant person?  Do you just go along with whatever she wants?  Do you argue and just give in?  Do you tolerate disrespect?

I ask this because her framing this about how she's doing all of this so you can move on makes it appear to me that she views you as too nice and too compliant, someone she knows is a kind person, but not really a man that stands up for himself. 

I don't think I am overly compliant, but isn't that what they all say? I didn't do anything I didn't want to, and she wasn't very demanding. I know that women don't want a pushover so I make it a point not to defer to them for everything and stand up for myself. So, I don't think that's the case. I think that her framing it this way is because she maybe truly does have feelings for me but isn't totally over her Ex and probably thinks she prefers being with him over me because it's the easier path and one that she's more familiar with.

I'll be honest, I think this would be much easier for me if I knew that she chose to get back together with him. I asked her that when she broke up with me at the end and she said that "a little piece of me would like to see what happens with him but I'm not ready for that road"

[mn7]

I just want to make a quick reply to those of you responding to me and trying to help. I really appreciate it, from the bottom of my heart. This is brutal for me and I hope that regardless of what turn this takes.... getting back together with her, or really moving on, that I will be able to look back at these posts and grow.

I continue to randomly have these awful feelings of rejection, confusion, and downright feeling crappy. I keep feeling like this is a really bad dream.

[trident_2020]

18 minutes ago, mn7 said:

Red flag #1: 

She broke up with her previous Ex just a few months before meeting me.

This is almost ways disastrous bro. You're not in your early 20s, you gotta know this by now. People don't have exes out of their system in a few months. 

 

Not necessarily even close to being true. All depends on the specific circumstances.. who was the dumper, how long the relationship was, how devastating the breakup was, etc. Some people could be ready to get out there in a matter of days, or weeks, and certainly by a few months time.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, mn7 said:

Red flag #1: 

She broke up with her previous Ex just a few months before meeting me.

This is almost ways disastrous bro. You're not in your early 20s, you gotta know this by now. People don't have exes out of their system in a few months. 

She was with the guy for about 11 years and they have a kid together. I viewed this as a red flag initially because she talked about him quite a bit in the beginning. But, it made sense why she would bring it up during conversations so I didn't put too much thought into it. Looking back... yea, she wasn't over him.

 

Red flag #2:

About a month ago she said she wanted to step back from the relationship and work on herself. 

This is a hugely obvious one and could have been your time to snap out of denial and to get extremely curious to find out what was going on. You write as if you had no warning. You had a month of warning! You just couldn't adjust to reality.

I felt like this was the beginning of the end for me. I definitely spent the month in denial. I was so conflicted though because I accepted her explanation that she needed a little time to step back and really figure out what she wanted since she basically just hopped into a relationship with me after her Ex. The amount and type of communication was consistent with before and she constantly professed her love for me and appreciation so I tried to put a positive spin on it in my head that she won't actually dump me if she's saying all of that stuff on her own.

 

Red flags #3 & 4 (revealed in one sentence):

She told me that when her Ex would cheat on her and break up with her, she would still do things like give him gift cards for his birthday to go out with his friends and new gf, which she said was stupid of her.

Actually that's two red flags there: that she would still do stuff for the cheater and that she was hanging with the cheater with the new gf. Come on bro, what self-respecting acts like this? Clearly she was deeply, even troublingly, self-destructively attached to her ex. Dude, that's a red flag you gotta catch. I don't what your heart feels. You gotta catch that and interrogate the hell out of her on this before even THINKING of thinking about getting involved with her. Now, if you just wanted sex, fine. If you wanted a relationship, you needed to interrogate her attachment to her ex. I don't mean mildly asking. I mean really probing and listening and being open to some weirdness that you didn't expect. Doesn't matter that she said this was stupid. In fact, that she was aware this was stupid actually makes clear she couldn't help herself. That's how powerful this attachment was.

You hit the nail on the head there. I 100% started the relationship with the idea of just having sex with her for a couple weeks and moving on. I had no intentions of making it last a long time. I even lied to her about my name, age, and life because I had 0 intentions of anything other than some real quick fun. It wasn't long before I developed really strong feelings for her and she did as well. The lying was a big deal initially but she moved past it and we joked about it until the end. After we both started saying that we were in love with each other she told me that she also didn't intend on having a serious relationship in the beginning and that she just wanted to have some fun since her Ex cheated on her and she was now single. However, she explained that this was unlike anything she ever felt before... and I actually still believe that. But, I think you're 100% right in that she's very attached to this guy.

 

Red flag #5:

This is after 6 months of talking to me every day all day.

What are you, some love-crazed teenager? You do NOT want to talk to someone everyday (other than briefly texting on some days) and you don't want to be talking (texting I assume) all day. The constant talk is just evidence of temporary intoxication. There is no firmness to the connection. You'd have a better connection if you saw each other 2x a week and texted a bit on other days ... and said simple hellos on two days a week. No relationship can sustain talking to someone everyday all day. Sorry bro. Again, you're not a teenager, time for you to know this.

You're right, and this was a big turn off for me for a while. Many times I would see my phone light up and sigh because it was like, ugh, let me do my own thing. She had real bad anxiety and would frequently question if I was ghosting her because of something she said or did. The constant reassurance was very tiresome for me. Oddly enough, now I crave it? 

 

Question: how much did you guys hang out together in person given Covid?

We hung out every Tuesday for like 4 hours while her child was in her activity, and just about every weekend she would come over and spend the full weekend with me. There was a weekend or two where there were schedule conflicts. Since everything out here was pretty much shut down, our Tuesday hangouts we typically drove to an empty parking lot and just sat in the car chatting it up, making out, and usually having sex. Additionally, we usually saw each other for an hour or two another day of the week. Lots of in-person hanging out. I have a child that lives with me during the week so it was pretty much the maximum we could given our kids. (we never met each other's kids, on purpose.)

Maybe sounds like you spent too much time together.  There is such a thing.

She really liked you, so she wanted to spend every waking moment either being with you or talking to you, but that doesn't mean that you have to give it to her.  That is part of being overly compliant, you're speaking and spending time with her when you admittedly didn't even feel like it.   And I imagine that she sensed this to some extent.  Having the abiility to say no to her is an attractive trait and compliance isn't.  Anyone reasonable knows you need time to yourself.  Doesn't mean she's a bad person or you're a jerk.

There's a bunch of stuff going on here man but it would've been beneficial to let the relationship breathe some.  Her attraction to you grows in your absence.  Too much time together can kill attraction. 

Edited March 20, 2021 by dramafreezone