Lotsgoingon Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 If you have to do the 30 days--heck if you have to do the 12-step group emphasis on sobriety for one day--go for it. Now, you might just have to be burned further to snap yourself out of this drugged state you're in. Sometimes that's the truth: door gets slammed n our face, we think it's by accident. So we knock on door again ... gets slammed again ... we think she confused me with someone else. Sometimes we have to get repeatedly burned before our mind and body snap out of the illusion it's living in. We're trying to save you time by skipping that. But you may need to go ahead and get more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted March 25, 2021 Author Share Posted March 25, 2021 One of her texts were, "wow you treat me so different now" - it took a lot not to say - yea, you dumped me and are looking to be comforted? no chance! "you seem mad at me it sucks" lol! all i can do now is laugh i atleast learned so far what NOT to do to someone else if i dump them in the future 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, mn7 said: One of her texts were, "wow you treat me so different now" - it took a lot not to say - yea, you dumped me and are looking to be comforted? no chance! "you seem mad at me it sucks" lol! all i can do now is laugh i atleast learned so far what NOT to do to someone else if i dump them in the future My feeling is she knows exactly what she’s doing by saying that. It’s very common to gaslight people this way. I made exes feel guilty for not being the same after I broke up with them like, “Please, don’t be mad just because we didn’t work out.” No one is that dense. You have every right to be hurt and treat her differently. You are hurt. She’s purposefully marginalizing your emotions. If she were a respectful/mature person, she would recognize that the way you feel is valid and give you the space to heal. But she’s not, so she comes first. You do not need to talk to her and I would not. I don’t see a future with you = I’m not that into you/think I can do better. Let her go find out if she thinks she can and you should do the exact same Edited March 25, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: If she were a respectful/mature person, she would recognize that the way you feel is valid and give you the space to heal. This 👆 That's why I've been saying she has major boundary and insecurity issues and is looking for validation over respecting your feelings. So you need to look for your own feelings as she won't (and probably isn't healthy enough to anyway) and doesn't actually have your back. Edited March 25, 2021 by SpecialJ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted March 25, 2021 Author Share Posted March 25, 2021 I appreciate all the patience and effort from y’all... this is a hard road for me. 6 months ago I would have told you that I wouldn’t think twice about someone that dumped me, but here I am lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 Learn from it. You’ll put yourself in a much better place long term. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 5 hours ago, Marc878 said: Learn from it. You’ll put yourself in a much better place long term. Agreed. In the future, you will know exactly what kind of woman to stay away from, OP: She is a perfect example. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted March 27, 2021 Author Share Posted March 27, 2021 Ok, so she texted me last night and I responded. LOL I suck at NC. However, I’m glad I did. She asked me a question about my divorce timeline, saying it was something that had been on her mind for quite some time and she just wanted clarification on it. She gave me an out saying that it’s none of her business and she understands if I don’t want to explain it to her. I really didn’t mind so I explained it to her. I was sorta vague on some of the timelines, giving seasons rather than specific months, and one of her follow-up questions she mentioned a specific month of an event…. indicative of her looking up the info on the county website. Interesting. I have a couple theories about this. One is that she asked me to see if I’d lie or had been lying, thus helping her justify to herself that breaking up was a good idea… this seems more likely to me. The other theory is that she was just plain curious for a while and wanted to satisfy the curiosity. We were talking a little bit and the conversation got to the topic of the actual breakup. She explained that when we took a little time off from each other she realized that she still had feelings for me but she also still had feelings for her ex. She didn’t allow herself time from her breakup with the ex to heal and really decide what she wanted. He showed signs of doing the things that she wanted him to change and she ultimately decided to “give her family a second chance.” I dont know why, but somehow it just clicked this time. I think previously I was confused about how she could lose feelings for me out of nowhere, when I think what really happened is that she probably did lose some feelings for me but that it was likely because she was still attached to her ex and really wanted things to work out with him. For whatever reason, this makes it like a million times easier for me. I’m still hurt and sad but not nearly as much. I’ve kinda been in similar situations with my ex-wife so I know what its like to not totally be done with someone, if that makes sense. I don’t feel as rejected because I know what its like to want to maintain a family… and all the stupid decisions that get made as a result. As for my relationship with my ex-wife, I can look back at it and say that it was a mistake to stay together just to stay together, however I definitely did not feel that at the time. I think this girl is just not at that point where she can walk away from it yet. I know it’s false hope to assume this guy is going to screw up and that she’ll find her way back to me. But, I atleast don’t feel so rejected. I dont understand my feelings about this but I’m happy that I was dumped for her ex rather than just some other dude. Strange huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted April 1, 2021 Author Share Posted April 1, 2021 She reached out last night to hope something went well for me today that she knew I had planned. We texted for a bit on just some dumb stuff and I was strong enough not to tell her I miss her or anything like that. She asked if I was dating and I told her I’m taking a break to work on myself. She said something like “u deserve to be happy”, my response was “i’m happy”, and her reply was “me too”.... kinda felt like a dagger to the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 You really need to cut contact with her. She's kind of a jerk, if you hadn't noticed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) So, I'm still consumed by thoughts of her a lot and seemingly randomly. Basically, I'm trying to focus on the negative things about her as opposed to reminiscing about the good times. I made a list of things I liked and things I didnt like about her. The dislike list is longer than the like list. like: constant texting body can talk about anything accepting of my past sex dislike: constant texting constantly needing reassurance i’m not ghosting her crap career no drive to get better doesnt work out young child parenting style - not eating dinner together, melatonin at night, so many activities always talks about cops/politics lots of talk about her ex hoe-phase I think the "constant texting" in both categories is interesting. It sure was annoying at times to have my phone blowing up to talk about nothing... but now that it isn't, I miss it, lol. I am considering making a list like that about things I like/dislike about the relationship itself, but am having a hard time separating relationship things from things about her, if that makes sense. As I think about this stuff, I'm growing less interested in wanting things to work out long-term. I'm trying to really come to the conclusion that the things I liked about her can be replaced by someone else that has less dislikes. Removing her from the pedestal I put her on. Edited April 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed commercial reference and link Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 (edited) Good news to those that are still reading this! I checked out her social media and..... She got married to her ex-bf!!!! They just got back from eloping. I was super upset when I found out earlier today BUTTTTTT this is a great thing for me. I've been doing NC and just trying to move on but kept having thoughts of her dominating my loneliness. Now that she's married I am forced to accept that we're done and that's actually really good, as I'm sure you all agree. They were engaged right before she broke up with him to ultimately date me, and one of the reasons she told him was that she was tired of being engaged and wanted to get married. He cheated on her and after confronting him about it he told her they could get married right then and there; and she slept on it and said no and broke up with him. She said recently that he was going to start working on the things that she had complained about (after we broke up)... and then she married him about a month later. Guess those things weren't that big of a deal! I have so many thoughts about this news and just kinda want to vent them out.... It's very unattractive that she would marry someone about a month after ending a relationship with someone she was dating for 6 months. It's very unattractive that I was maybe just a side dude the whole time. It's very unattractive that she would marry someone that treats her so poorly. It's very unattractive that she is so attached to this guy that she would marry him right after being with someone else. It's very unattractive that she was that desperate to be married that she'd accept this to be her story. It's very unattractive that she possibly lead me on the whole time or was so lost that she maybe really did feel what she said she felt with me but then went to the opposite extreme. It's very unattractive that she was willing to marry someone that repeatedly cheated on her throughout the course of their relationship. She also kinda looked unattractive in her pic with him, lol. Any others y'all want to add? Help me out haha I DODGED A BULLET!!!!!! Might not feel that way emotionally right now, but wow.... it sure does logically!!! At least it'll force me to get rid of any hope I had! Edited April 16, 2021 by mn7 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Where did you see her picture with him? Are you still connected with her on social media? If so, you need to delete and block her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mn7 Posted April 16, 2021 Author Share Posted April 16, 2021 9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Where did you see her picture with him? Are you still connected with her on social media? If so, you need to delete and block her. I'm not connected to her on any social media. Her profile is private and I just happened to look the same day she posted the pic publicly. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Sounds like she proved most of the prior advice you got on this thread right, so at least you know you got good advice that you can trust There's something I noticed that I'm going to call you out on, though I know tone in writing with strangers is easy to misinterpret. I'm not saying this to be harsh, just neutral like I was before when posting about focusing on yourself because I can see this causing a problem for you in the future. Your recent posts come across as very judgemental about women and sex. You liked sleeping with her (you listed it in likes) but you disliked that you felt she was being promiscuous (you listed in dislikes) and now are complaining about her bouncing around (even though she rubber-banded with you almost as quickly as she did back to her ex). If you're looking for a good woman in the future, let them be and show you who they are and don't sl*t-shame them for their habits, even in your own head. That attitude will leak out to the woman even if you don't think it will, because it reflects a fundamental lack of respect for the other person. In THIS case, this woman was a disaster and her bouncing around the way she does was because she has zero self-esteem or emotional stability and is an awful partner. So, for your own sake, I'm glad you dodged that bullet! But as you move forward to find better for yourself and do better for yourself, it seems like there's room to view women and sex in a healthier way. That doesn't mean diminish your own standards, if you want a woman who has self esteem, is loyal and committed to her partners, and takes an appropriate amount of time to get over painful / stressful situations in life and make herself right again before moving on to the next thing, that's all mature and good traits (assuming you'll be looking for a relationship and not casual sex). But there's a double-standard going on in your posts that will hurt your continued search for a good partner if you're both put off by a woman who is physically intimate with you (because you're judging her as promiscuous) while also actively participating in it. And I wonder if that's still connected to what happened with your ex-wife or with something even earlier in your life or with what you've mentioned before about areas in which you don't feel very good about yourself, which means you're still prone to distrust women and you'll keep choosing bad ones as a result because that's just how starting from a place of distrust / fear generally works out. Self-fulfilling prophecy stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 On 3/21/2021 at 7:21 AM, elaine567 said: Few grown women who would be happy with this arrangement, pandemic or no pandemic... This is adolescent stuff, or how you treat an escort.... No wonder she thought about it and broke up with you and went back to her ex. As it turned out she was using him as an escort. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 Now you see there was nothing there for you and it was just a rebound. Smarter and wiser in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 16, 2021 Share Posted April 16, 2021 4 hours ago, mn7 said: I'm not connected to her on any social media. Her profile is private and I just happened to look the same day she posted the pic publicly. At least now you know the truth. In the future, do yourself a world of good and heed the warning signs. There were many red flags along the way here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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