Feeling bad for cancelling dates with guys I don't really like?

[CalipsoRose]

I am on a dating app and so far I have gone on a couple dates with guys that haven't gone past the first date since my breakup about a month ago. This guy I went out on a date with last weekend was super sweet and we had a nice time but the attraction level just wasn't there for me, when he hugged me goodbye I didn't feel any butterflies or anything. He has been texting me every day and said he wants to take me on a picnic tomorrow and even told me to meet him at the park downtown at a specific time. This entire week I have barely texted him because I just wasn't feeling it that much, I told him I was busy which wasn't a lie but then he started getting clingy, asking me what was wrong, etc. I feel like I owe him something and I don't know why. I also feel really bad for cancelling the date tomorrow, and I don't know why. 

 

I guess I just am feeling deprived of nice guys and I know how much it hurts to be disappointed so when a decent guy shows up, I feel even worse letting him down. But I shouldn't because thats what dating is all about. I really don't want to settle and I don't want to allow my heartbreaks to make me feel such an emptiness that I settle for just a nice guy without any bells and whistles. Life is too short for Luke warm feelings, right?

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like you're not ready to date. Try to be kind to others, even if you are just dating out of boredom or rebounding.

If there's no interest don't string anyone along, no matter how nice the attention feels at the moment.

Don't text if there's no attraction after meeting. Simply be kind, polite and tell them you're not a match.

Wasting other people's time is part of what makes OLD so disheartening for so many.

[Miss Peach]

I agree that it's best not to string the guy along. Just keep it neutral with something like it's not a match. I would also take this time to get clear on what you're looking for. Because the other extreme is feeling chemistry but the person is a bad fit.

[Lotsgoingon]

"You seem like a fun person. I enjoyed talking to you about X, Y and Z (you can be honest here). But I'm not feeling a romantic spark between us. Good luck." 

Just say it: the kind thing is to let people know quickly how we feel. That way they don't get their hopes up. Delaying and even trying to overly soften the blow just causes more trouble. Romance is not like friendship. We do NOT owe the person equal affection. Everybody knows that going in. People know the rules. You are not springing anything on them by saying you're not interested. 

[Cookiesandough]

On 3/20/2021 at 12:12 AM, CalipsoRose said:

I am on a dating app and so far I have gone on a couple dates with guys that haven't gone past the first date since my breakup about a month ago. This guy I went out on a date with last weekend was super sweet and we had a nice time but the attraction level just wasn't there for me, when he hugged me goodbye I didn't feel any butterflies or anything. He has been texting me every day and said he wants to take me on a picnic tomorrow and even told me to meet him at the park downtown at a specific time. This entire week I have barely texted him because I just wasn't feeling it that much, I told him I was busy which wasn't a lie but then he started getting clingy, asking me what was wrong, etc. I feel like I owe him something and I don't know why. I also feel really bad for cancelling the date tomorrow, and I don't know why. 

 

I guess I just am feeling deprived of nice guys and I know how much it hurts to be disappointed so when a decent guy shows up, I feel even worse letting him down. But I shouldn't because thats what dating is all about. I really don't want to settle and I don't want to allow my heartbreaks to make me feel such an emptiness that I settle for just a nice guy without any bells and whistles. Life is too short for Luke warm feelings, right?

I understand feeling bad for rejecting people. I was bullied in high school, so it took me a minute to get used to saying no to people and being assertive. Especially when cold approached in person, I felt bad because I admire that quality in a way ( takes b*lls)  and find it flattering, so I didn’t  want to disappoint.  I suggest just saying you have a boyfriend even if you don’t(or if you’re already talking that you met someone else). It’s a white lie that let’s guys down gently with no harm. Also, it’s not on you to make  everyone happy and some people will be disappointed. As long as you’re nice about it, in the long run you are doing them a favor because just because you are not interested in them, doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of other women who are. I’m sure they have said” no thanks” to women too! 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I understand feeling bad for rejecting people. I was bullied in high school, so it took me a minute to get used to saying no to people and being assertive. Especially when cold approached in person, I felt bad because I admire that quality in a way ( takes b*lls)  and find it flattering, so I didn’t  want to disappoint.  I suggest just saying you have a boyfriend even if you don’t(or if you’re already talking that you met someone else). It’s a white lie that let’s guys down gently with no harm. Also, it’s not on you to make  everyone happy and some people will be disappointed. As long as you’re nice about it, in the long run you are doing them a favor because just because you are not interested in them, doesn’t mean there aren’t a ton of other women who are. I’m sure they have said” no thanks” to women too! 

Well said cookies, I agree.

[d0nnivain]

It's cruel to be kind.  You need to learn to be direct.  If you are not feeling it, tell them that sooner rather than later.  By not speaking up you give them false hope which is cruel.  Better to say no thank you after that 1st date then to let the poor guy believe that you like him. 

[Lotsgoingon]

BTW: we are not "rejecting" people by telling them we aren't interested. We are simply saying WE are not interested. We're not telling them they're useless and dumb and ugly and that their mother is an idiot and all of that. We're simply saying we do not see the possibility of a good fit. 

Here's something I noticed. There have been people I have said I was not interested in. I feel awkward around them the next few times I see them. But go for a year or two years. The reality is I have no lower opinion of the person for having expressed interest in me. In fact, if they directly approached, I actually feel a lot of respect for them. And this respectful feeling comes without any attempt to be kind or nice on my part.

Most of us do not look down on people we are not interested in for romance. I totally admire one of my exes that I broke up with when realized I just was not feeling deep attraction to her.  And almost immediately so. 

And remember this: if you at all fake interest with someone, you will end up treating them badly. Fake energy is shallow and doesn't last long. You'll end up avoiding them and bring cranky around them and all of that. 

[Cookiesandough]

Guys deal with awkwardness from this. women can often deal with “whatever, you’re ugly anyway, *****. Enjoy your life with your cats”