What should I do and feel?

[Sean K]

Good Morning,

I need some advice please. 

I've been with someone for 3 months, i think until last night. 

A couple years ago i had a nasty breakup with a very narcissistic person. Controlling as hell, you name it. Inflicted as much pain as possible and played victim. 

After that ended i needed my time. Therapy and to refocus. 

Start of the year i met someone else and we formed a relationship. 3 months. Now she's had a bit of aggression about her on a couple of occassions. We've always spoken about anything, very maturely. However last night was something else. 

She's been saying for a while that I'd need to open up and talk about what's happened in my past so she can understand why i keep cards close to my chest. Thursday night i watched a documentary on suicide and it was pretty hitting and made me feel pretty down. I needed some me time to think about things. But i was ok. My recent gf was worried apparently and i think she was getting ahead of herself for something that wasnt the case. 

Going to yesterday,  she said she was worried hence she called the previous night. I couldnt stress enough that i was ok. Throughout the day we had spoken and she said I'd have to open up to help her understand and i said it's probably tough if she thinks somethings up and couldnt help because she didnt know. So i was getting comfortable to lay the cards down a bit.

Last night i went to hers to get these things out there. However,  it started with attitude from her. The way her body language was presented, her tone. She told me a story giving it specifically 30mins and that it wasnt to leave the room. After the 30 mins she proceeded to say she's pushed me away now. Like it was going to upset me and make me run for miles. No, i understood her. But then she got real crappy with me. She called me weak. Told me to f**k off and get out.

Of course i was confused by this, upset and frustration kicked in. She wanted to hear my story. But it never got out. I was constantly belittled. 

Then it turns into a quiet screaming match as far as they can go. I said something and the punched me round the head. Knowing about a previous assault by my ex, she still hit me. I never laid a finger on her. I was still trying to understand and now more confused. 

Her dramatic behaviour was applied to everything,  but i was still saying "its ok, talk, let me talk, I'm not gonna hurt you". I didnt hurt her. She went to go into her bathroom and i went in still to speak. She then went more dramatic. so much as grabbing a small razor blade to use if i went near her. I'm obviously more alarmed, scared, confused and upset. I managed to grab the blade off her and thought she was going to settle down. But she didnt. 

After this she had a panic attack back downstairs. I didnt know what to do and she could only blame me for it. Unfortunately when she had this panic attack i could smell alcohol and I'm sure it wasnt  1 glass like she was telling me.

In the end i left, but i was scared incase she attempted to do something stupid. I couldnt just leave and find out something happened. That's not her usual self. Shes normally sweet, kind, caring. But i didnt see any of this last night.

 

So what would you guys do? How would you feel? Could you still love someone after that? Is it wrong to want to speak to them and get to hopefully understand the situation? 

 

I'm so hurt and confused after all she's done for me and the appreciation she's spoken of about me and what I've done for her, especially her endometriosis difficulties. 

 

Thankyou 

 

 

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened to you Sean.   But in answer to your question, this should be a deal breaker on your part.   Thing is, it's got all the hallmarks of ending up as abusive as your previous relationship was.   Send her a text telling her that you do not tolerate the kind of abuse she dished out last night and you will not be seeing her or speaking with her again.  Then block her.  Do not ask her what happened, and if she tries to tell you, stop her by telling her that you don't want to hear it.

Also, I would recommend reporting the assault to the police.  I don't know if you have evidence such as bruising, but hopefully it will go on her record and help the next guy she does this to.  

Edited March 20, 2021 by basil67

[Acacia98]

I'm with basil67. I'm sorry she attacked you.

I don't think it was a one-off. Your description of the way she asked/demanded that you open up about what had happened in your past sounded aggressive and like it was about her, not you. I'm not surprised that when you finally decided to open up to her, she created a set of circumstances that made it impossible for you to actually do that. 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Acacia98

[Sean K]

Thankyou guys. 

 

I honestly do not know. I'm trying to weigh it up. I'm holding it together because the past has taught me. My problem is, wonderful memories will race through me and more and more will play in my head. I dont want to hurt the girl.

 

Why she was being on the defence and making out i was scaring her or gonna do something i dont know. I tried to deal with the situation,  head on. After the first punch round the jaw, there came a point where she was against me and i could only try and get her hands away without fighting back to the extent she was. Basically, restraining to some extent where she cant attack me. But she just went ott about the whole thing.

I couldnt speak, she told me i was weak and argued back when i said i wasnt. Constantly telling me i am and she wants someone strong. I'm not weak because i rose above the fire that i had before and have done well in life since and have a decent head on my shoulders. I'll talk about things, but its gone from almost being forced from me to sitting there to speak and being told its pathetic, childish and to f off.

I feel bruising on my arms, but I've not seen anything. Regarding police, i dont know if i want to. I care about her and that may seem absurd. 

I'm not one for inflicitng pain, but the emotional absuse, physical, blackmail and so on, should say do it, but then i want to know why she did what she did. 

She didnt know anything of my past and yet seemed to have done the same thing. I stood there taking all this crap still trying to help her, trying to calm her. Trying to stop her from overthinking and sending herself into a meltdown, which ultimately she did! 

Its as if a switch was flicked and suddenly she was someone else. It's upsetting.

[elaine567]

I think she was triggered.
Something about the situation triggered her and your story made it worse. 
She wanted you gone and when you wouldn't go she hit you and then resorted to more drastic measures to shoo you away like the razor blade and when all failed she went into full panic attack mode.
I guess she has been severely abused at some time.

[Sean K]

I didnt get to give my story. Thats the thing. She wanted to understand why i have a guard and keep things close to me. 

Only i walked into a story i didnt know was coming and that was it. I can appreciate her talking about it raised the memory in her, but its no reason to treat me how she did. It's no reason to call me weak and actually go into doing what she did, which i feel is a contradiction to herself. 

There's been a couple of issues before where she's gone off into rage. She aggressively opened a door once knocking it into a free standing mirror and knocking that over. Yet i only asked a question to something she said to me earlier which was alarming,"i use to use and abuse men". What are you to make of that??????

Then she slapped me with a t shirt because she was in some pain with endo after having sex.

Then last night was punching, kicking, blades. 

If I've still stood by after that, it must say something. Probably many things. I've addressed with her before that she needs to deal with the aggression because i cant keep having it. 

What kinda person would i have been to walk away after a story she told me that wasnt expected to start with? This wasn't about her. But i stood by her and said its ok. This is what i got for it. Its like she wanted to push me and scare me. Now i dont see any remorse from her...

[Fletch Lives]

Life is too short to mess with a crazy woman. Run Forest run

[elaine567]

Please just walk away.
You are not a therapist or a psychiatrist, you cannot fix her.
Too many stick with people who will abuse them and make their lives a misery as they are under the mistaken belief that once they are "better", all will be wonderful...  
These people are broken, they are not easily fixed, and indeed you may be part of the problem...

Edited March 20, 2021 by elaine567

[Sean K]

I guess so Elaine. 

To be told I'm weak when i had to have therapy sessions to help me after my ex, and moved on with it so quick people saw the difference in me. Which was an excellent bit of feedback. Then i bought my first house, got a new job, better money...everything finally paid off. If thats not being strong to get to where i wanted to be i dont know.

To be called weak when she did what she did, there's only one person being weak. I am not a therapist but I'd always listen to someone and help them. Especially someone who's done what they've done good for me, but now I'm questioning whether it's fake or not😔

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sean K said:

 we formed a relationship. 3 months. 

She's been saying for a while that I'd need to open up and talk about what's happened in my past so she can understand why i keep cards close to my chest. 

Ok 12 weeks is a good time to observe incompatibilities,red flags and deal breakers.

While being open and honest is good, she's overstepping boundaries and in a misguided attempt to accelerate things, trying to over-bond and overinvest through this true confessions game.

Run 👟👟 from anyone who tries to play therapist, has no boundaries, doesn't respect your privacy and digs for TMI.

[Sean K]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok 12 weeks is a good time to observe incompatibilities,red flags and deal breakers.

While being open and honest is good, she's overstepping boundaries and in a misguided attempt to accelerate things, trying to over-bond and overinvest through this true confessions game.

Run 👟👟 from anyone who tries to play therapist, has no boundaries, doesn't respect your privacy and digs for TMI.

Thankyou.

Part of me thinks she went quick with things. She would tell me things i didnt want to know. But things that would be important not so open. She's never been good at explaining things clearly, so it's made me scratch my head a little bit. I either let it slide or want to try and ask her, unless i actually do, but dont know if she'll see it the wrong way.

Her only boundary would be that she doesnt want drama. Yet she created all of that last night. She 'supposedly' cared that i got enough sleep before being up for work early or on nights and left me broken and confused last night to which i was up early and have a long day ahead of me.

It's like cohesive behaviour, possibly shame because she acted as she did. For being so nice of a time. I'd be surprised if she actually said sorry to me. It wasn't a pleasant time, but the way she turned earlier in the evening, i was scared incase she did something stupid if i left. Being made to be small and controlling pretty much doesnt sit well with me, but i am not violent.

I have spoken to a police officer about this. Its not that i want to hurt her because i dont. She is way better than this. But she cant just hit people and pull blades because it suits her and needs telling!

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Sean K said:

I have spoken to a police officer about this. 

Are they going to arrest her? 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Sean K said:

Yet i only asked a question to something she said to me earlier which was alarming,"i use to use and abuse men". What are you to make of that??????

You are to take her at her word and  get away from her.
I guess she was warning you off or testing your boundaries.
You have gone from one abusive relationship straight into another.
This was a huge red flag and you ignored it... why was that? 
We can spend weeks analysing her to no real good, but you need to do some work on yourself, as you are the only one who can save yourself from further trauma.

[Fletch Lives]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

We can spend weeks analysing her to no real good,

No need to spend weeks. The diagnosis: crazy. That will be $23,000 please.

[Sean K]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are they going to arrest her? 

I'm to seek advice from 101.

 

The office i spoke to his talking to her sergeant. 

I dont want to get her arrested, if anything just pulled up on a report and not to do it. That may seem soft, but I'm not for really messing her up.

[Sean K]

23 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are to take her at her word and  get away from her.
I guess she was warning you off or testing your boundaries.
You have gone from one abusive relationship straight into another.
This was a huge red flag and you ignored it... why was that? 
We can spend weeks analysing her to no real good, but you need to do some work on yourself, as you are the only one who can save yourself from further trauma.

That's interesting. But if she cared for me so much, why try and scare me off?

 

I guess my good time with her was way better than others. She was very different like that. Then sadly last nights drama she caused and over reacting was what I'd seen before. Cause it then play victim and read the rights nonsense.

I'm hurting, but i know myself I'm dealing with it way better than before. Massively differently which is good. I'm just in shock from her behaviour and change of personality!

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Sean K said:

I dont want to get her arrested, if anything just pulled up on a report and not to do it. 

Sadly you're the common denominator in these abusive situations and now it's abusive within 12 weeks?

You may need a break from dating altogether. What's the point if you're talking to the police when most people are in the honeymoon stage?

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Sean K said:

She called me weak. Told me to f**k off and get out

Why didn't you listen to her? Why did you push it?
There is no real excuse for what she did, but when someone tells you to get out of their house, then the right thing to do is to go surely?

[Sean K]

27 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why didn't you listen to her? Why did you push it?
There is no real excuse for what she did, but when someone tells you to get out of their house, then the right thing to do is to go surely?

She told me to come over for me to speak to her so she could understand. That never happened. Ok i see why one would go, but unfortunately sat there confused, upset, hurt trying to understand it seems so much easier not being in the moment. Yet i still wasnt being horrible to her. I stuck to my character and word, she didnt!

[Sean K]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly you're the common denominator in these abusive situations and now it's abusive within 12 weeks?

You may need a break from dating altogether. What's the point if you're talking to the police when most people are in the honeymoon stage?

I've been out of a relationship for a year and a half ish. So i thought it would all be ok by now.

Acting like a crazy ex only widens my eyes to the horror being created. 

But right now I'm fearing her safety and scared for that right now. 

[elaine567]

Ok I get you may have been hurt and confused but if someone told me to F off and get out, I would not be hanging around.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Sean K said:

She is way better than this. 

No she is not. 

3 months in she is showing you who she really is, believe her. 

As a survivor of domestic violence you've jumped right into another one. Typical, I've done it too. 

The only way for you to not end up in another abusive relationship is to have ZERO tolerance for ANY abusive behavior and this woman has just shown you she is controlling, verbally and physically abusive. You end this right now, otherwise all that therapy was done for nothing. 

[Sean K]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ok I get you may have been hurt and confused but if someone told me to F off and get out, I would not be hanging around.

I know and part of me wonders what would have happened because she said she loves and cares about me now go get out. That's a complete mind screw as i see it. Why hurt me if you care? Why test me? Like she was disappointed her story didnt make me run, like she thought with her endometriosis condition. No, and I've done a lot for her for that condition. 

[Sean K]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No she is not. 

3 months in she is showing you who she really is, believe her. 

As a survivor of domestic violence you've jumped right into another one. Typical, I've done it too. 

The only way for you to not end up in another abusive relationship is to have ZERO tolerance for ANY abusive behavior and this woman has just shown you she is controlling, verbally and physically abusive. You end this right now, otherwise all that therapy was done for nothing. 

I know what you're saying. Its so hard to try and figure why she went the way she did. 

Why be the way she did. I stood by her like i always promised if anything was difficult. This was another burst outrage from her but not quite a burst. This was something more. Punching, kicking and pulling blades out, when i hadnt harmed her or anyway abusive and belittling. Because I've no reason to be. 

I cant see what she wanted to achieve😔

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Sean K said:

I know and part of me wonders what would have happened because she said she loves and cares about me now go get out. That's a complete mind screw as i see it. Why hurt me if you care? Why test me? Like she was disappointed her story didnt make me run, like she thought with her endometriosis condition. No, and I've done a lot for her for that condition. 

My guess she doesn't really care for you at all, she told you her story in the hope you would go, she just said that she cares to be nice, but when you didn't leave, then she had to resort to more and more extreme methods to get you out of her house.
It has only been 12 weeks and it has all fallen apart. Please just leave her alone, there is nothing left for you here.