Can I save this marriage

[Dis]

You need to realize that once you married your wife, she became the number one woman in your life (NOT YOUR MOM) and if you don't act accordingly you'll lose her and rightfully so 

[Dis]

OP, how would you feel if your wife's dad spoke to you the way your mom speaks to her???

 

I think your wife should call on her fam to give you a little taste of your own medicine 

 

As someone who's a grown man and hiding under his mom's skirt, I don't think you'd fair too well 

Edited March 21, 2021 by Dis

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Just reading your post made me so sad for your wife. Your mother and your enablement of a highly dysfunctional dynamic are to blame. I am glad you are in therapy and I hope one day you can take a clear, brutally honest look at your family’s behavior, and have the courage and fortitude to remove yourself from the situation and erect boundaries.

It is likely is too late for you to save your marriage/relationship with your wife. After three years of being beaten down and verbally attacked by her MIL, she is done. I do not blame her at all. Since the marriage just happened and annulment may be an option. I realize you do not want that to happen but you have your head in the sand and her patience is gone, quite understandably.

Best of luck.

 

 

[Dis]

As someone who dated a man who was overly attached to his parents I know exactly how your wife feels

 

My ex's dad once told me at a family dinner that I needed to "go on a diet" I was 120lbs! He did it to bait me into an argument and sorry! I didn't bite. Instead he was just going to lose out on having me over at those incessant family get togethers him and my ex's mom always just expected me to be at 

 

My ex was not a nice dude but once his dad said that, even he swiftly took my arm and brought me out of the restaurant and told his dad that was not cool 

 

And yes, after that I refused to go to their house and your wife is within her rights to refuse to be abused too 

Edited March 21, 2021 by Dis

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, raisinbranman said:

. We did a civil union bc she found a lump in her breast and didn't have insurance so she needed mine . 

Ok, so it's a marriage of convenience for insurance purposes. ( Which btw is insurance fraud).

Talk to an attorney about annulment/divorce. This should be simple since there's not much involved.

She needs to find and fund her own healthcare and you need to go back and live with your mother.

That would make everyone in this whole scenario happy.

[trident_2020]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so it's a marriage of convenience for insurance purposes. ( Which btw is insurance fraud).

No it isn't lol

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, raisinbranman said:

@basil67 abuse is kind of a strong word. She teases everyone like that. It's just her personality. And my wife DID tell me that she was always considered "too sensitive" growing up. 

No. Just no. 

It is not "teasing." It is rude and belittling and frankly quite atrocious coming from an adult. That is not "just her personality." She is verbally and emotionally abusive, and you don't see it because your mom has manipulted you into thinking this is acceptable. 

I would not want anything to do with your mother either, sorry. 

[Watercolors]

Wow, OP. What a situation. I hope you can get it sorted out where everyone involved heals and moves on. 

[d0nnivain]

Your wife married you for all the wrong reasons.  She wanted your insurance.  She didn't want to put up with all the dsyfunction & abuse that is your mother & family, which you enable.  Even though it's all you know, your mother screwed you up royally by tying her apron strings around you so tightly.  

IMO the only way you could possibly save this marriage is to cut your mother off completely, move out of state & never look back.  You are unwilling & probably unable to do that so no, I don't think you can save this marriage.  

[Datergirl]

Your wife has listed 50 reasons, seriously 50!! All of which make your mother sound like an absolute nightmare! 

Way I see it, the only way to save your marriage is to move to another state and cut your mother off completely. She's toxic. Look what shes doing to your wife! 

[MsJayne]

After reading all of this thread I'm just gobsmacked.  You're seeing two different therapists, so I hope that at least one of them can figure out that the person who should actually be seeing a therapist is your mother, (preferably a psychiatrist, they're the one's who can identify a personality disorder and serious mental disturbance).  I don't blame your wife for refusing to attend therapy with you,  why would she when it sounds like you and your family gaslight her every step of the way? You must make up your mind to either be a Grown Up Husband or a Mummy's Boy.  Behind every mummy's boy is a self-centered controlling woman who needs to be told where to get off, (or better still, just cut it out of your life altogether), so factor that into your decision. 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

After reading all of this thread I'm just gobsmacked.  You're seeing two different therapists, so I hope that at least one of them can figure out that the person who should actually be seeing a therapist is your mother, (preferably a psychiatrist, they're the one's who can identify a personality disorder and serious mental disturbance).  

Few people exhibit malice towards other if they don't have some kind of pathology going on. 

 

I have a patient who is so incredibly nasty to me and other staff for no apparent reason and guess what? She has BPD. 

[MsJayne]

Just now, Dis said:

Few people exhibit malice towards other if they don't have some kind of pathology going on. 

 

I have a patient who is so incredibly nasty to me and other staff for no apparent reason and guess what? She has BPD. 

Spot on. But it's truly astounding how often a person with mental disturbance gets away with appalling behaviour simply because everyone around them is either scared of them or has no understanding of psychiatric illness so never even suspect that they're dealing with a mentally ill person. 

[Dis]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Spot on. But it's truly astounding how often a person with mental disturbance gets away with appalling behaviour simply because everyone around them is either scared of them or has no understanding of psychiatric illness so never even suspect that they're dealing with a mentally ill person. 

I think it's a product of how the perpetrator is able to manipulate others into believing the behavior is 'normal' and therefore no boundaries/consequences need to be put in place

 

For the OP, his mom's behavior is common place....so why should is bother anyone? And why should he draw a line in the sand when, "it's not that bad"

 

When to anyone else who hasn't been conditioned to accept the behavior, it's blatant abuse

 

Very sad 

[raisinbranman]

On 3/21/2021 at 2:19 AM, S2B said:

 

 

On 3/21/2021 at 6:53 PM, MsJayne said:

After reading all of this thread I'm just gobsmacked.  You're seeing two different therapists, so I hope that at least one of them can figure out that the person who should actually be seeing a therapist is your mother, (preferably a psychiatrist, they're the one's who can identify a personality disorder and serious mental disturbance).  I don't blame your wife for refusing to attend therapy with you,  why would she when it sounds like you and your family gaslight her every step of the way? You must make up your mind to either be a Grown Up Husband or a Mummy's Boy.  Behind every mummy's boy is a self-centered controlling woman who needs to be told where to get off, (or better still, just cut it out of your life altogether), so factor that into your decision. 

I spoke with my therapist earlier today and when I told him some of the things my mother had said and done, he said, after I asked if she sounds like a narcissist, said she sounds like if she's not already a full-blown narcissist, then she's on her way. When I asked if it's best if I cut her out of my life completely, he said that it would he best to try to set some healthy and firm boundaries. This is my first time ever seeing a therapist in my life so I don't know how to go about deciding if a therapist is a good one or not, but this one is an MFT, a marriage and family therapist. 

[basil67]

57 minutes ago, raisinbranman said:

I spoke with my therapist earlier today and when I told him some of the things my mother had said and done, he said, after I asked if she sounds like a narcissist, said she sounds like if she's not already a full-blown narcissist, then she's on her way. When I asked if it's best if I cut her out of my life completely, he said that it would he best to try to set some healthy and firm boundaries. This is my first time ever seeing a therapist in my life so I don't know how to go about deciding if a therapist is a good one or not, but this one is an MFT, a marriage and family therapist. 

A good therapist says things in a way which resonates with you, helps you recognise healthy and unhealthy patterns and helps you make better decisions.

On 3/21/2021 at 11:21 AM, raisinbranman said:

I appreciate the reply. Truth be told, I've only been in therapy for a few weeks now, so we're still working through things. Plus, I'm seeing two therapists virtually for the time being.

What role does your second therapist take?

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, raisinbranman said:

 

I spoke with my therapist earlier today and when I told him some of the things my mother had said and done, he said, after I asked if she sounds like a narcissist, said she sounds like if she's not already a full-blown narcissist, then she's on her way. When I asked if it's best if I cut her out of my life completely, he said that it would he best to try to set some healthy and firm boundaries. This is my first time ever seeing a therapist in my life so I don't know how to go about deciding if a therapist is a good one or not, but this one is an MFT, a marriage and family therapist. 

Yes, I think this is what many of us who've been following your thread are thinking. Most mental health professionals will avoid labeling a third party based on hearsay of a client, however when narcissism is involved it tends to follow specific patterns of behaviour across a spectrum and is fairly easy to recognise even from a second hand view. Good luck laying down boundaries with your mother.  From my own experience dealing with narcissists who've already left the planet, (my mother is one),  it's far more likely that you will be first ridiculed and have your own sanity questioned, your wife will be blamed for the trouble your mother has actually caused, and if that doesn't force you to back down you will probably be ostracised and your reputation smeared to other family members and family friends. Your wife deserves a medal, it takes a lot of guts to stand up to the bully narcissist. 

There are many excellent articles on narcissism available online, I recommend anything published by the American Psychological Association as they tend to be at the forefront of this particular subject.  You'll become familiar with terms of reference which will make it easier to get your head around what's going on and make you less susceptible to the manipulation attempts which are going to come your way.  Very best of luck!   

[raisinbranman]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What role does your second therapist take?

She an LCSW, specializing in anxiety, CBT/DBT, and Personality Disorders, just to make a few. Her role is to help me further uncover whatever deep-seated issues I have, but I've only had 2 sessions with her so far.

[neowulf]

52 minutes ago, raisinbranman said:

She an LCSW, specializing in anxiety, CBT/DBT, and Personality Disorders, just to make a few. Her role is to help me further uncover whatever deep-seated issues I have, but I've only had 2 sessions with her so far.

In the end, therapy isn't a magic bullet.  You've had a lifetime of conditioning from your Mother, normalising her behaviour.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.  You have a difficult road ahead, but if you want to save your marriage, you're going to have to stand up to your family.
Sadly, that could result in you becoming estranged from them.

In the long run though, if you want any chance at a full and happy life, it's something you're going to have to face.  I wish you well.

Edited March 23, 2021 by neowulf

[Wiseman2]

Do you want to stay married?

If so consider moving far away from your mother.

That may be the only way to save your marriage. 

If you want peace, you'll have to cut the umbilical cord.

Therapy is a long process. It doesn't matter what kind of pseudo-diagnoses anyone makes about your mother.

You're the one in therapy with a marriage hanging by a thread. 

Move cross country. Ask your wife to simply delete and block your mother from all social media and messaging apps.

You can handle your mother yourself. Don't use your wife to tame that dragon

 

[Negotaurus]

You should seriously apologise to your wife. She has every reason to be hurt, and you made her feel crazy for it. It must be humiliating for her. 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, raisinbranman said:

 

I spoke with my therapist earlier today and when I told him some of the things my mother had said and done, he said, after I asked if she sounds like a narcissist, said she sounds like if she's not already a full-blown narcissist, then she's on her way. When I asked if it's best if I cut her out of my life completely, he said that it would he best to try to set some healthy and firm boundaries. This is my first time ever seeing a therapist in my life so I don't know how to go about deciding if a therapist is a good one or not, but this one is an MFT, a marriage and family therapist. 

The best therapist in the world can't help you if you aren't open to change.  

Through therapy & this thread, are you at least prepared to recognize that your MOTHER is the problem & your wife is not?  Are you prepared to chose your wife over your mother?  Have you apologized to your wife? Try showing her this thread so she feels validated.  

What boundaries are you prepared to put in place & do you honestly think you have the gumption to enforce them when your mother flies into a rage over this change & her little boy cutting the apron strings?