Depression and bad argument with hubby

[Stargazerlily]

Recently I have become very depressed. A series of items for why I’m a caregiver to a 91 year old which is super stressful especially at this time, my MS, marriage issues, worrying to much about stuff I can’t control and self love.

 

Needless to say my hubby is very unhappy at his job too. He works more than he should and gets treated with no respect. We both are staying in jobs we aren’t happy with because of money and benefits. Our daughter is in College and its expensive. We have been having issues because I get off early and and home alone and feel lonely. I miss him and he gets home later and later. He is off 3 days a week but only one when I am off too. So we get Saturday together.
 

The other day I confided in him how depressed I am and explained why. Now this was done through text because we communicate at lot that way while at work. He was very receptive and we talked about our issues and he even said he’d do counseling and it was all good. When I got off work he was cleaning (yep he does that on his days off) I had hoped we talk some more and given how I just spilled my guts to him that he would drop everything and talk to me. He didn’t he just acted like nothing was going on and I went upstairs while he did the cleaning downstairs. I sat there for 2 hours till he came up and asked what I was doing. And I went off.

I said you care more about cleaning than me after I just told you how Im struggling. He got mad and said there is no pleasing me and my words do t match my words i  text. Apparently I should of tried to spend time with him when I got home since I said I want more time. I just felt like because I am struggling he would show an interest and he didn’t. So he seemed like he was complaining about me never being happy do I said well than go find someone who makes you happy. If its not me. I left house and  came back later and we didn’t speak the next day after work in the evening I we t and hugged him and told him I loved him and I was sorry. He said I doubt you even love me. He got up and walked away and said you aren’t the only one struggling. I said I know. He said I am not keen on having this discussion now. I politely said ok and walked away. He has been sleeping on couch and avoids me. I don’t know what to do. In the past he used to give me cold shoulder for days but only when he was very hurt. Any suggestions??

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Stargazerlily said:

When I got off work he was cleaning (yep he does that on his days off) I had hoped we talk some more and given how I just spilled my guts to him that he would drop everything and talk to me. He didn’t he just acted like nothing was going on and I went upstairs while he did the cleaning downstairs. I sat there for 2 hours till he came up and asked what I was doing. And I went off.

I said you care more about cleaning than me after I just told you how Im struggling. He got mad and said there is no pleasing me and my words do t match my words i  text. Apparently I should of tried to spend time with him when I got home since I said I want more time. I just felt like because I am struggling he would show an interest and he didn’t. So he seemed like he was complaining about me never being happy do I said well than go find someone who makes you happy.

It's not fair to vent your frustrations on him. He may have thought you "wanted some time to yourself". Instead you sat and stewed and let your frustration build up and then vented on him. Really that wasn't particularly fair. You could have taken him by the hand, brought him upstairs, sat him on the bed, and started to talk through your issues.

My thought would be next time try to communicate what you need VERY clearly; spouses are not mind readers. Also AVOID making your spouse an "emotional punching bag" for venting your frustrations. Find some other outlet. Otherwise you're just doing additional harm and making a bad situation worse. Telling him to go find someone else is essentially telling him you don't value him. You should be careful with that IMO unless you REALLY mean it, as sometimes bluffs get called.

Edited March 21, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Stargazerlily said:

, my MS, marriage issues. We both are staying in jobs we aren’t happy with because of money and benefits. 

Ok, since you both get benefits, why not take better care of the MS and depression? Are you seeing a neurologist regularly? Are you going to physical therapy? Are you getting referrals to a therapist you can see regularly?

Start making better use of all your benefit. Review your policy and see what's covered.

Your husband is not a psychiatrist and no one wants a huge emotion dump after a long day at work.

If he'd rather clean or whatever for a while, that would be a great time for you to talk to trusted friends, family, doctors, therapists or go for a walk, relax,etc.

Also, you may want to manage being a caregiver a bit better and if your child isn't working at least 2 part time jobs to pay for her "expensive education", you need to change that too.

[Stargazerlily]

The depression is new like new new so I have just started the process of getting help. I actually don’t ever feel like this I’m usually the one helping everyone else and listening to everyone. 
 

funny the one time I need friends and family support nobody is there. My ms is managed but that doesn’t mean I don’t have pain and headaches everyday and other symptoms. 
 

 

[Stargazerlily]

I’m trying to give him space an not bother him. As in past I always tried to work things out quicker and he isn’t that way. He needs time. Normally if we have an argument its over and we are fine same day. This time I can tell by his face its going to be longer. 
 

I picked up breakfast for him yesterday and he ate it and just said thx but avoiding me all day. I did talk to him about a few issues this upcoming week happening and he was civil and answered everything I ask and explained. But nothing more. 
 

This am I sent a text to say I love you have and I hope you have a good day at work. I don’t expect a text back because I know he is not happy with me. I don’t really know what else to do without upsetting him further. 

[Watercolors]

55 minutes ago, Stargazerlily said:

The depression is new like new new so I have just started the process of getting help. I actually don’t ever feel like this I’m usually the one helping everyone else and listening to everyone. 
 

funny the one time I need friends and family support nobody is there. My ms is managed but that doesn’t mean I don’t have pain and headaches everyday and other symptoms. 
 

 

The thing is, our significant other should not be 100% everything to us. After all, they're just people. It seems like you have unrealistic expectations for your husband that when he doesn't live up to, you punish him for it. As Wiseman suggested, you should really vent your frustrations about your MS condition to medical professionals and to a counselor who counsels patients with MS. Your husband is not a medical doctor nor someone who counsels MS patients. So, stop expecting him to act like it. 

Tending to a 91 year old also can be very emotionally draining. That's why certified nursing assistants have a revolving door in nursing homes. It's just too demanding a job with no return, when you have to take care of an elderly person's physical needs (bathing, feeding, dressing, washing) and psychological needs (encouraging them to eat, walk for exercise, etc.). 

15 minutes ago, Stargazerlily said:

I picked up breakfast for him yesterday and he ate it and just said thx but avoiding me all day. I did talk to him about a few issues this upcoming week happening and he was civil and answered everything I ask and explained. But nothing more. 

I don't blame your husband for shutting down emotionally. He needs space to decompress from all the pressure you constantly put on him to be "everything" to you all the time, at your disposal. That's why I said, no one can be 100% everything to another person. That's just unrealistic expectations. 

I would encourage you to stop dumping your work and health stressors on to your husband constantly, or it will break him. He'll eventually get so fed up, that he'll walk away. Try to find other qualified people to vent to about your work and health issues and take that burden off of your husband. Because I think you're being unfair to him. Sorry. 

[Stargazerlily]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

The thing is, our significant other should not be 100% everything to us. After all, they're just people. It seems like you have unrealistic expectations for your husband that when he doesn't live up to, you punish him for it. As Wiseman suggested, you should really vent your frustrations about your MS condition to medical professionals and to a counselor who counsels patients with MS. Your husband is not a medical doctor nor someone who counsels MS patients. So, stop expecting him to act like it. 

Tending to a 91 year old also can be very emotionally draining. That's why certified nursing assistants have a revolving door in nursing homes. It's just too demanding a job with no return, when you have to take care of an elderly person's physical needs (bathing, feeding, dressing, washing) and psychological needs (encouraging them to eat, walk for exercise, etc.). 

I don't blame your husband for shutting down emotionally. He needs space to decompress from all the pressure you constantly put on him to be "everything" to you all the time, at your disposal. That's why I said, no one can be 100% everything to another person. That's just unrealistic expectations. 

I would encourage you to stop dumping your work and health stressors on to your husband constantly, or it will break him. He'll eventually get so fed up, that he'll walk away. Try to find other qualified people to vent to about your work and health issues and take that burden off of your husband. Because I think you're being unfair to him. Sorry. 

We share feelings and life...thats what we both do. I don’t “constantly “ dump on him. 

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, since you both get benefits, why not take better care of the MS and depression? Are you seeing a neurologist regularly? Are you going to physical therapy? Are you getting referrals to a therapist you can see regularly?

Start making better use of all your benefit. Review your policy and see what's covered.

Your husband is not a psychiatrist and no one wants a huge emotion dump after a long day at work.

If he'd rather clean or whatever for a while, that would be a great time for you to talk to trusted friends, family, doctors, therapists or go for a walk, relax,etc.

Also, you may want to manage being a caregiver a bit better and if your child isn't working at least 2 part time jobs to pay for her "expensive education", you need to change that too.

Bolded. Wiseman's correct Stargazerlily. Your husband cleans as a way to decompress from his day. It doesn't matter if that's what he chooses to do.  

8 minutes ago, Stargazerlily said:

We share feelings and life...thats what we both do. I don’t “constantly “ dump on him. 

No, you don't share feelings when you do the majority of the emotional dumping onto your husband. I'm sorry but that's how it comes across in your posts. 

It seems to me, you expect your husband to do more for you than he can when it comes to emotional support. It seems like you expect him to be at your beck and call no matter what he's going through himself. That your needs matter more than his needs. There has to be a balance. You two had that huge argument because your husband set boundaries with you. He's had enough emotional dumping and told you, which you didn't want to hear. But you need to listen to him. He has needs to. His needs matter too. He withdrew from you after the fight and was silent, b/c he felt like you don't respect his feelings and he probably needed to just be alone. 

That's why I think you need to go outside your marriage for more support that you feel you need. Your husband cannot be your psychiatrist, your doctor, and your on-call support system. There has to be some balance here. 

[Watercolors]

Here's an article I want you to read. It talks about learning to be responsible for your own feelings, and learning that others are not responsible for taking care of your feelings. It's not your husband's job to regulate your emotional state when you are stressed from work or stressed from your MS condition and its symptoms. I think that you struggle to regulate your own emotions and that it's easier for you to just dump them onto your husband, expecting him to regulate your emotions for you. That's not healthy. You need to learn how to do that yourself. 

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/not-responsible-anyone-elses-emotions/

Quote

 

An Exercise in Humility

It’s hard to let go.

But the key insight in this process is that, even within a committed relationship, each person is responsible for themselves. We must give each other the opportunity to manage our own emotions.

If you are with somebody who doesn’t have the skills to regulate themselves, that’s a separate conversation. Do they want to learn those skills? How would they prefer to learn: a therapist, a book, or a trusted coach? Even so, it’s not your job to force them to acquire those skills.

We can only own our behavior. The world does not rest on our shoulders.

And the irony is, when we step back and let go of control, the fear starts to go away. We feel freer to relax.

 

Here's yet another article that you may benefit from reading about regulating emotions and boundaries. Because I think that's what the core issue here is, with your husband. You two have enmeshed boundaries and you expect your husband to take care of/regulate your emotional states all the time. 

https://introvertdear.com/news/youre-not-responsible-for-other-peoples-feelings/

Quote

 

Both introverts and extroverts can be codependent, but sensitive introverts may be more prone to it than others, due to our naturally conscientious and empathetic nature. Codependency is a dysfunctional dynamic where one person disproportionately sacrifices their own wants and needs to please another person who often behaves recklessly and rarely returns support.

That may — or may not — be you. If you’re not sure, take a look at some of the signs. According to experts, some of the signs of a codependent relationship are:

You’re quick to say “yes” to others without pausing to consider how you feel.

Other people’s happiness is your top priority.

You keep quiet to avoid arguments.

Codependent relationships sometimes also involve one person enabling another person’s bad behavior, for example, through covering up their drug abuse or illegal/unsafe activity. You can learn more about codependency here.

 

 

Edited March 21, 2021 by Watercolors

[trident_2020]

19 hours ago, mark clemson said:

It's not fair to vent your frustrations on him. He may have thought you "wanted some time to yourself". Instead you sat and stewed and let your frustration build up and then vented on him. Really that wasn't particularly fair. You could have taken him by the hand, brought him upstairs, sat him on the bed, and started to talk through your issues.

 

This is exactly what I thought. Try to look at it from his perspective. He's cleaning for two hours and you come up and unload on him. Sure he's not very much in tune with you and your feelings and he sounds like a poor communicator to begin with, but verbally assaulting the guy with "You care more about cleaning than me" isn't going to get you the results you're looking for. You need to find a softer approach, something like what I quoted above from the other poster who you really should listen to because everything written in that post is spot on. Unfortunately you already responded defensively and I suspect you don't even begin to understand.

The other part of the equation is that after you dump on him- which is exactly what you did- you then overcompensate by being overly nice, and to a guy that means "moody psycho".  You need to level things off.

He's not getting a pass either, the whole silent treatment thing is immature, manipulative and destructive. Don't play into it.

 

Edited March 21, 2021 by trident_2020

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you wanted hubby to come and beg you to describe your depression. Uh, that might work with certain mothers and their children, but real life rarely works like that for two adults. We have to tell people we want them to listen or hug us or caress us or whatever! 

You need not just therapy but likely some medications for you depression (you got a lot of stresses). I would contact your family doctor and tell them about the depression AND start with some therapy. You're under enormous stress. Sometimes we need meds to have enough energy to take advantage of talk therapy. 

Sounds to me like you wanted hubby to hug you and hold you. That's reasonable: Then tell him that's what you want!

Go to him on the couch and say, "I'm not going to criticize you. I just want you to hold me." And tell him exactly how you want to be held. And if you want him to listen say, "and I want you to listen to me." Adjust his hands, adjust the pressure, tell him EXACTLY how you want to be touched and listened to. Otherwise, he doesn't know what to do. 

When you approach him, DO NOT GRIPE about the past. If you do, you'll lose the moment, and he'll defend himself and you're back to being where you are. Just skip ahead. Ask him to hug and hold you and listen. Tell him "I really want and need your hug right now."  If you want him to offer suggestions, tell him that as well! ... He will therefore know what he can do to help you because you will have shown him. 

Trust me people LOVE when we tell them exactly what we can do to help them. Takes the stress away. And lots of men get paralyzed by situations like this.  BTW: the next night, tell him again what you want. It might be different. Step up! He'll respond.