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Husband rarely wants sex


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Lottieloo92

Hi all I’m new, so go easy on me! 😀

my husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 2, and we have two young children. 
When we first got together we were having sex at least twice a day everyday, he couldn’t keep his hands off me and it was all very satisfying as I must admit I have a fairly high sex drive. 
I know it was probably just the ‘honeymoon’ stage but obviously things did start to fizzle out especially as we had kids but we were still having sex probably 3-4 times a week which I was more than happy with. 
My problem is that nowadays he never wants to do it with me. It always was that he would try it on with me first and that’s how our sex would begin but now we get in bed maybe have a quick cuddle and then he rolls over which leaves me feeling really self conscious. And I know I could always be the one to try it on with him which I have done but because I feel so self conscious I can’t cope with feeling like he will only have sex with me because he feels he has to.

He asked me a little while back to get some sexy lingerie for his birthday (for me to wear) which I did and even though I felt really embarrassed I wore it. He never mentioned it again or asked me to wear it and I even had another outfit he knew I had but he never once mentioned it so a few weeks back I chucked it all in the bin and he just asked me why so I said I don’t need it anymore and he just said oh I didn’t think it fit you anymore?!

I just  have zero confidence now because I just feel like he doesn’t find me attractive and I don’t understand why because I know I have put on a little weight since having kids but nothing major and his previous partners have been bigger than me. 
 

The overal feeling I get is he is just not interested and I don’t know what to do 😔 please if anyone can give me any advice I would be very great full x 

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mark clemson

People change over time and there's a wide range of possible issues/reasons. You'll need to communicate with him to get to the root of the issue. There may be things he's embarrassed to say to you, there may be things he would like or need to say to you but feels that you would be hurt or wouldn't accept his honesty gracefully.

To my mind, considering finding a marriage counselor/therapist with many years of experience who genuinely specializes in couples issues and/or sex therapy would be the best approach. As a third party the therapist can serve as a referee while you have necessary discussions, as well as a sort of authority to make recommendations for changes to make/things to try. There's a certain % who are weirdos, so don't hesitate to shop around and find one you both like. If the suggestions they make sound outrageous that's probably a red flag IMO.

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How old is he? Does he have health problems or drink heavily or use drugs or watch excessive porn? Do you think he's having affairs?

You keep talking about your confidence and weight. Well that's your issue, not his. Have you let yourself go and turned to mom-mode?

Seems like a catch-22. Your lack of confidence and his disinterest seem to feed each other.

Why not try a multipronged approach? 

Marriage therapy..

Get in shape, improve your self respect and imagine.

Realize he's older and may have ED on occasion. That's up to him to address.

Try date night. Step away from mom and dad roles for a while. 

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Fletch Lives
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And I know I could always be the one to try it on with him which I have done but because I feel so self conscious I can’t cope with feeling like he will only have sex with me because he feels he has to.

 - you need to get over this. It does not matter who initiates as long as you get the job done, lol

It sounds like his love level has gone down. You have to find out what you were doing and what's missing and start doing that again to get the spark back. How about a makeover? Friday or Saturday night date nights? Go with him to games or his events? Domestic support. Etc.

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Lottieloo92
59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? Does he have health problems or drink heavily or use drugs or watch excessive porn? Do you think he's having affairs?

You keep talking about your confidence and weight. Well that's your issue, not his. Have you let yourself go and turned to mom-mode?

Seems like a catch-22. Your lack of confidence and his disinterest seem to feed each other.

Why not try a multipronged approach? 

Marriage therapy..

Get in shape, improve your self respect and imagine.

Realize he's older and may have ED on occasion. That's up to him to address.

Try date night. Step away from mom and dad roles for a while. 

I am 29 and he is 38. He is very overweight but then his weight had always been up and down during our relationship. 
I expect he does watch some porn but it’s not a lot. 
I actually look better now than I did years ago. It’s not that I have let myself go it’s just my body changed a little bit having children, I got stretch marks and my stomach got a bit flabby. 
 

I have told him many times we need to have date night but he is just never interested 😏 and half the time he is on his phone!!

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Lottieloo92

I don’t think he’s having an affair. I do totally trust him and he works full time and when he finishes work he does mechanical work for quite a few hours, then he gets in and basically sits down on his phone until he falls asleep which is what then happens on and off during the evening until we go to bed 🙄

He’s a good man and a great dad he works hard and I know he’s just tired but I have actually spoken to him about this on numerous occasions and how it makes me feel and he tells me I’m being stupid and things will change for a few weeks and then go back to how they are.

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ExpatInItaly
12 hours ago, Lottieloo92 said:

He asked me a little while back to get some sexy lingerie for his birthday (for me to wear) which I did and even though I felt really embarrassed I wore it. He never mentioned it again or asked me to wear

To be fair, he could probably feel how uncomfortable you were and doesn't want to push it. I wouldn't either if I sense my partner were embarrassed by something, simply out of respect for their own feelings and boundaries. 

Stop accepting "your're being stupid" as a sufficient response to your concerns about this. If he's quite overweight, is it possible that he is suffering from ED and too embarrassed to acknowledge it?

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Lottieloo92
34 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To be fair, he could probably feel how uncomfortable you were and doesn't want to push it. I wouldn't either if I sense my partner were embarrassed by something, simply out of respect for their own feelings and boundaries. 

Stop accepting "your're being stupid" as a sufficient response to your concerns about this. If he's quite overweight, is it possible that he is suffering from ED and too embarrassed to acknowledge it?

Yes I suppose that’s quite possible. I wore it and then dived under the duvet so I suppose it didn’t really go how he had it planned in his head 😂

He deffinately doesn’t have ED and when we do have sex it’s great (well I think so anyway!) that’s why I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to do it so much unless he just doesn’t feel the same.

Maybe it’s because of his weight and confidence issues I don’t know but I know where he works so hard he is so knackered by the end of the day which doesn’t help

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5 hours ago, Lottieloo92 said:

he gets in and basically sits down on his phone until he falls asleep

What is he doing on his phone?

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ExpatInItaly
37 minutes ago, Lottieloo92 said:

Yes I suppose that’s quite possible. I wore it and then dived under the duvet so I suppose it didn’t really go how he had it planned in his head 😂

Gee, do ya think?

I am not surprised that he hasn't brought it up again. It wasn't a positive experience so he probably thinks you don't want to do it again. 

I don't know what you can do if he isn't willing to meet you halfway, but I would strongly encourage you to work on confidence-boosting activities for your own benefit anyway. It sounds like you're very uncomfortanble in your own skin. That isn't all on him to fix for you. 

 

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Lottieloo92

Maybe I should have been more clear about the confidence issue - I am actually pretty confident in my own skin, sure I have hang ups and things I would like to change, but overall I feel good about myself, it’s only the way he seems disinterested in me that makes me not confident around him.

Thank you for all of your replies though, there are some aspects to this I see more clearly now, and I think I’m going to suggest marriage or sex therapy. 

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Lotsgoingon

A good marriage counselor will get to this. I don't think you need sex therapy per se. The marriage counseling will loosen things up enough that sexual energy just naturally flows. 

There could be lots of reasons for your hubby's disinterest. One, his health could be suffering. I don't know how big your husband is, but obesity definitely increases impotence, "erectile dysfunction." As do all kinds of other health issues and medications. I have big relatives. Lots of them are on of meds. Statins can lower sex drive as can certain blood pressure medications as can diabetes as can certain antidepressants as can daily work stress.

For men, a brutal job can sap their energy. Men don't talk about this, but lots of men come home emotionally spent and exhausted. Now, when they are younger, their body is still quite responsive, so their sex drive continues. Get a little older and several things can happen. One the relationship with you is no longer so lust-based. Sex is therefore more emotionally intimate. But some men just used up all their emotional energy at the job.  They come home feeling like they've been pulled apart in multiple directions. Feeling comfortable with the ultimate closeness with someone suffers.  Just having a mean and demanding boss can undermine a man's overall energy.  And of course, raising kids is notorious for destroying sexual energy and romance in a marriage.

Most likely, he's not feeling unattracted to you. He's overwhelmed with life and that blocks out his ability to feel close to you. Let me guess: if he's on the phone all the time, you most likely aren't emotionally close with him either. Right? So his emotional distance and his sexual distance are related. 

A few ideas. I'm thinking he needs to work through the job challenges better or develop some kind of ritual when he comes home that helps him recover.  He might need to get comfortable asking you to rub his shoulders for a few minutes after work. He needs to probably share some of the pain of work with you and with other people. He might feel embarrassed to share his work pain (the exhaustion and emotional pain of work) with you--because he's afraid you'll reject him and he himself feels like he wouldn't be a good man if he owned up to how worn out he is by the job.

So I'm guessing that he's frozen and blocked and probably scared and a little depressed. And you somehow don't see all that and are frozen because you feel he doesn't desire you. Your focus is way too narrow. 

There are ten things that need to be in place for couples in a marriage to have a good sex life. Overall life vitality is part of the mix. We don't just go through the motions (as your husband seems to be) in the rest of life and then turn on sexual charm and energy at a moment's notice. Life doesn't work that way, at least for men past age 25. 

Now it's not your job to take care of him, but you definitely have a role in being curious about what is bothering him at work and in the rest of his life (and him curious and supportive about the rest of your life).  He needs to find a way to process his work issues and his health issues. You can't do that for him, but you can INVITE him to talk about that, you can help him feel safe. 

Marriage counseling could be great for you guys. Definitely. 

Him not initiating sex is a minor piece of the puzzle. Get the rest of the puzzle in order and he'll have the energy to be emotionally close to you and that will result in sexual energy towards you. 

Anyway never underestimate how inept some guys are at processing the difficult emotions of life. This is where all the traditional masculine stuff and stoic stuff totally disrupts and undermines our lives. 

 

 

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My husband and I have a similar issue. He is working long hours at a job that is physically demanding. When he gets home he showers, eats and tries to be present but he falls asleep. He is overweight too. That is a-lot of his issue but he only has a few options get healthier snd/or pick a different job. I think sex drive is different too in late 30’s but I know eating better and be healthy would help. 
Step out of your box and ini-ate sex. He needs to feel wanted too. Good luck

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10 hours ago, Lottieloo92 said:

He is 38, very overweight

He may have ED. Don't take it personally or a meter for your level of attractiveness. 

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 Has this coincided with your kids reaching an age where they're more demanding of your time and attention?  Not meaning to be rude or judgy, but I've always noticed that a lot of women change as a person when they become a mother. They will go from being carefree and fun to being in mum-mode all the time and it does turn some women into a bit of a drag, they get sensible and cautious to the point of being a bore, and it's kind of like hanging out with your gran. It's not easy being Sexy Mummy, the woman who manages to give her kids everything they need at the same time as looking and acting the same way you did before you had all that responsibility and two other lives to worry about. Could it be that he's feeling a little neglected in the scheme of things, like he's at the bottom of the priority ladder?    

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It's rough feeling neglected, and that effects your self confidence/self esteem. This will have a roll on effect to other parts of your life.

On 3/21/2021 at 5:20 PM, Lottieloo92 said:

 ...he works full time and when he finishes work he does mechanical work for quite a few hours, then he gets in and basically sits down on his phone until he falls asleep which is what then happens on and off during the evening until we go to bed

Everyone needs a hobby, it's mentally and emotionally healthy. Why is he drowning himself in his hobby rather than spending time with you? Does he feel his time with his family more toxic to himself than an over worked hobby? Is he trying to get missing fulfillment from a hobby? I see this as avoidance of other problems in the R. He is "Manning up" so to speak, providing for you and the family, but there are other issues that are pushing or driving him away, this is now having a roll on effect to how you feel about him and yourself.

You admit the "Honeymoon Stage" is over..... What has changed in his home environment (besides family and a little extra weight with you and him)? Do you still take an interest in his hobbies? I bet you did in the early days... When was the last time you showed him a little admiration for what he does for the family? He's doing his duty and providing for the family but it can be a hollow and ungratifying major part of his life if it is all just taken for granted by those on the receiving end.... Your responsibilities have shifted to your children as a nurturing role. Your efforts will be rewarded by the "Firsts", smiles and giggles as the children learn and grow. What are your H rewards for working hard and providing for the family? Or maybe you think he doesn't need any??? Or why can't he just enjoy yours 2nd hand??? There are heaps of questions that could be asked here.....

I don't have any answers, only questions you should be asking yourself. Remember, for every action or inaction there will be a reaction. What was yours, what was his? 

Please read my first statement again, I think that is how your H is feeling...

 

NB: Above is only my option trying to provoke thought from my POV, it is not meant to be an attack or aggressive in anyway. 

 

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On 3/21/2021 at 6:31 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

but obesity definitely increases impotence, "erectile dysfunction."

On 3/21/2021 at 8:02 PM, Wiseman2 said:

He may have ED.

 

On 3/21/2021 at 2:09 PM, Lottieloo92 said:

He definitely doesn’t have ED and when we do have sex it’s great (well I think so anyway!)

 

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On 3/21/2021 at 8:45 AM, Lottieloo92 said:

And I know I could always be the one to try it on with him which I have done but because I feel so self conscious I can’t cope with feeling like he will only have sex with me because he feels he has to.

So in reverse: He has to cope with the feeling like you will only have sex with him because you feel you have to??? And you are fine with that??? 

Have you ever tried helping yourself to what you want??? ALL guys (that I know) find this hotter than hell!!! This also helps prevent "Star Fish" sex....

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Happy Lemming
On 3/21/2021 at 7:09 AM, Lottieloo92 said:

He deffinately doesn’t have ED...

 

Has he had his testosterone level checked??  It cold be borderline...

I still think it would be sound advice for him to discuss the matter with his doctor.  

Moreover, if he is overweight he could discuss that with his doctor (as well) and reverse any possible future health issues. (high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.)

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Lotsgoingon

OK, so he doesn't have ED ... but all the issues I identified earlier can interfere with sexual desire. Desire is different from potency. Desire is needed before potency. Desire is just having sexual and flirtatious thoughts with partner. 

 

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