The mist never lifted but what now?

[messiness]

hi, 

This is an update from a relationship that ended with my boyfriend 8 years ago.  As I stated in previous post, it was an incredibly complex relationship, we were together 3 years, we had a very deep connection, loved eachother and both said, had never had a friendship like it. 

The whole time we were together, he was living with his ex, supporting their child, unable to face the situation of their relationship ending 2 years previously. 

At the time, I understood how this could happen as I had lived with my previous bf for 3+ years as we had a child together but weren't fully together as a couple. That relationship was emotionally abusive, so luckily it ended.  I guess at the time, I assumed he'd be moving out as he was looking for his own place when we met and actually bought his own flat. I had my own place with my child. Then waiting for a couple of months turned into years. 

I've no idea how 3 years passed without him moving out. In all that time, it didn't occur to us we were having an affair, or  I was his OW. (Obviously, I realise this now with deep regret, and am mortified he and I had a relationship under those circumstances). 

His ex, though deeply unhappy with their relationship after he told her about us, decided that she wanted him to continue living with him, supporting their family and being under one roof, for the sake of their child, and to not move out, saying he couldn't be friends with me and keep a family, let alone have a relationship with me. 

So we split up. It was pretty agonising for both of us. I was extremely physically sick with anxiety and probably depression, deeply,  for 1 year, then ongoing for another year after that.

During this time we did continue to meet about once a month, then every 2 months, in public, to talk and see how eachother was coping. It was like a therapy session for both of us. 

After 2 years, I was still in love with him but tried to start dating again. That's not a great place to start dating anyone else, but I really needed to move on. I did try 2 relationships which both lasted a few months, with nice guys, but it just felt incredibly wrong not being with my ex.  I tried not to think about my ex bf, it was impossible. I tried not to contact him, it was depressing,  but I managed 3 months, then would bump into him and feel like I was back at square 1.  This whole time several of my friends were still friends with him, so I always had to put on a brave face whenever they said he was having a tough time. I heard this way that he' d moved out. 

He contacted me a year after he had been living on his own. I was single, and still in love with him. He clearly was with me too, he invited me round to his house and told me about how many times he had wanted to contact me sooner, but also didn't want to mess up my life anymore. He told me he'd driven round to come and talk to me so many times, but couldn't go through with it.  This was heartbreaking for me to hear. We cried, embraced and kissed. This is 3 years after we had split up. I wanted us to start a relationship after this heart to heart, but he said he was still a mess and wasn't ready. I think that really pissed me off, as I felt like there was nothing stopping us from supporting eachother from being together. 

I left his house and didn't speak to him for 6 months. I started another relationship (desperately trying to move on this time). Perhaps it was a rebound thing but I just wanted my life back. 

He sent me the occasional text which I responded to politely. He must have heard I was seeing someone through our mutual friends, and I actually walked past him on the street a couple of times when I was with my new bf. He completely ignored me and just walked by. 

Then, his work moved to a location that was on my route to work. I drove past him sometimes 3 times a week. I tried going different ways, then if I was late I' d go the quick route and not even remembering I might see him. Yes, he'd be walking past, waving or coming up to my car to say hi as I was in traffic. Eventually, he asked if I wanted to meet for a coffee. I met him and we caught up. It was really nice, and then we met every couple of months, just for a chat.

Since lock down, we started to meet for an outdoor walk a few times. We just chat like old friends. We've talked about working on a creative project together again.  We both want to.  Our friendship seems to be growing again. We can talk about anything and everything. 

He is single. I'm living with the same guy I started seeing 4 years ago. Though, for the past 2 years, we have been more like roomies. We are close companions, but good friends. I really like him. Neither of us are in a place with mental health to have an intimate relationship right now, though we are living together and had one before we lived together. (Separate bedrooms even for past year since Covid, mainly as I'm a key worker and at high risk of getting it). He has major depression and acknowledges this kills his sex drive. I, on the other hand have cared for him throughout this, emotionally and financially, but feel frustrated sexually. 

To top it off, I realise I'm still in love with the man I had a relationship with 8 years ago. I'm definitely not going to act on this, I think we will only ever be friends. I can't imagine him not being in my life though, I could never do NC with him. This topic is too painful to even discuss with my current bf whom I love, but am not in love with. I feel like I've been looking after him for the past 2 years, since he moved into my house and stopped working. I'm not sure how fair this situation is. But I really want to do the right thing for everybody. The guy I live with just started working so will be financially secure soon. The neighbours have a new baby and can be noisy at tights, which really disturbs my bf's sleep. He has said he is going to move out 3 times in the last month, as the only solution he can think of. I suspect he doesn't want to be a financial burden on me any longer. 

Any advice would be welcome. How do I begin to untangle my life? 

 

[Fletch Lives]

Well it seems as though you've fallen out of love with the live in boyfriend, so that's over........as you said, you are just roommates. But you still might not get completely over him until he moves out.

The 8 year ex - you say you still have a crush on him? That's unusual. Keep in mind that although you feel this way, his feelings are not yours - the love may have dies for him, and he may only see you as a friend now.

It would probably be best if you cut contact with both these guys - and stop bumping into the 8 year ex. Perhaps then you can move on and find a new lover.

Often, you have to start with a totally new man - a clean slate.

[messiness]

@Fletch Lives hi, I did send him a text after our last walk saying it was nice talking and ended it with, 'love you X' 

I think I've been telling my close friends more often 'love you' during lockdown. It feels nice to. I think I had an urge to say it to him, which I haven't done for nearly 5 years now, since our last heart to heart when he'd been living on his own for a year. He told me he loved me then, but wasn't ready for a relationship. 

Last week, he just texted back after 15mins,  'yes it was, me too x' 

But I guess, that could easily mean as a friend, couldn't it? it isn't something he's ever written in a text, since we stopped our relationship 8 yrs ago. He used to tell me all the time then. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, he knows your situation? So if he's not kissing you or asking you out or contacting you regularly, it's probably just friendship he's feeling, sorry.

[messiness]

@Fletch Lives hi, thanks for your replies. He doesn't really know my situation, nobody does. It's not easy to talk about your own mental health, and talking about someone else's mental health is even harder. He probably thinks I'm living with my bf. We've never ever talked about seeing other people, I don't think I could, it would be too painful. 

I've told him before it makes me feel alive when I see him and he said he completely understood that. It's pretty obvious he knows I dote on him, and it feels like he does on me too. Maybe we just have a crush on eachother. 

I guess I could live with being friends, but I'd find it impossible if he started seeing someone. I don't think he has in 8 years. He said before when our mutual friends see if he is ok, that the only thing that is saving him is his music. 

[messiness]

I guess I just need to ask him if he loves me as a friend, or more than that? 

I'm scared that even asking that will set back our friendship. 

Should I go ahead and text him or ask him next time we have a walk? 

I definitely don't want to come on too strong. But probably in the last month we've had more back and forth texts and meet ups than the past 4 years all together. 

[Wiseman2]

Just curious what's wrong with the relationship with your BF?

[elaine567]

I am afraid being in love with your ex,  is biasing your whole life.
You are binning your bf and for what? A guy who is at best a friend and a cheater to boot. A guy who when he had the chance to choose you, declined.
Trouble is many men do not rate their OW, they do not see her as relationship material which was proven when he was single and did not want to pursue anything with you.
Now you are friends, he still has not made any "romantic" move in your direction. You could say "but I am not single and if I was he would do", but you don't know that and I think it is unlikely.
If he was in love with you, a bf, especially a "roommate", would be no obstacle.
I think you need to accept nothing is going to happen with your ex, and from that viewpoint reassess whether you truly want to let your bf go.

[messiness]

@Wiseman2 I guess it's hard that he's living with major depression and trauma from past experiences, that he cant address and it effects our relationship. For example, I've suggested talking therapies countless times but he won't / can't face that. Won't do exercise. 

There are many things that we have in common philosophically, ethically,  morally and politically, and are on the same wavelength with humour. and we like the same TV shows and films!! 

Though there are some other areas that we are total opposites; I'm a little older, (he wanted his own children, which I can't give him at my age), he doesn't keep healthy and exercise, but he does eat well.  he was smoking a lot & weed too (I'm pretty clean myself and hate smoking. He has recently stopped after about 20yrs of smoking!), we have opposite musical taste, he doesn't like socialising (not that it can happen anyway rn) and is very misanthropic. He games a lot to relax, I'd rather do non-screen things to relax. 

And most of all, I have a really strong desire to be creative in my spare time, which is how I met my ex-bf and how we connected first of all. My current bf doesn't engage in creative activities at all, shying away from anything I suggest for us to do together.   

I guess, if his mental health was managed a little better, we'd be alright on enough levels to be happy.  But covid and the lack of support he receives professionally is appalling. 

I'm not sure I feel happy, I just feel in limbo. 

[messiness]

@elaine567 hi, you have made some really valid points here. i'm glad I'm getting some clearer perspective. 

Ex bf has made some really bad life choices. I think he is emotionally immature, I need to remember all the things he put me through before and hasn't made an effort to address. 

I'm gonna think about this today and try and see through the perpetual mist. 

[spiritedaway2003]

Two separate issues, and you should separate them as they should.

1.  If you are no longer in love with your boyfriend and he's nothing more than a roommate, it's best to end it for both your sakes.

2.  Your ex, if he was interested in more, would have make the moves.  He hadn't.  Guys who are interested usually make their interests known (especially since you're now both 'single').  It might not be what you want to hear, but it might be best to move on and start new.

[lana-banana]

As you yourself have said, there is absolutely nothing stopping you two from being together---except that he doesn't seem to want it. (Your current boyfriend, who deserves better, is no obstacle.) I suppose if you really want to you can lay it on the line again, but be prepared to hear an excuse about why he's not ready or whatever. In the meantime, you might want to reflect on how he treated his ex and whether that's really the kind of person you'd want to be with in the first place. You might conclude you've wasted too many years on him already.

[messiness]

@spiritedaway2003 hi, I think right now, during lockdown, it's OK to continue living with my bf as I do love him a lot.  If I felt like I wanted a relationship with someone else, I"d have to have that talk with him. It has felt one-sided at times, as when I have wanted to express loving him in the past, he has never initiated saying it to me and has found it very difficult to respond with 'I love you' whenever I have said it. (Only about 5 times in 4 years!) I think this was linked to his depression and not feeling worthy of being loved. He has told me he hates himself numerous times. It was frustrating at first, then I guess I got used to him not telling me he loves me, though he has been able to show me with actions. 

My ex believes I am with my bf, he has no reason to over step that line, especially as we regretted that behaviour in the past. Neither of us would dare to. If he told me it would only ever be friends between us, perhaps I could deal with that, and also talk about him to my bf I live with. It's such a big part of my life, that I can't even talk about, only to one close gf.  It doesn't feel wrong that I want to meet up with my ex, but it would get complicated if we had to meet secretly. Oh wait, yes I haven't told my current bf that we chat and meet sometimes. I didn't want to complicate things between me and my bf, having ex issues. But there we are, I have them

I need to be honest with my bf I live with, but he is fragile all the time. I don't want to let him down or abandon him.  It feels too complex and not as easy as move on from them both. 

[messiness]

@lanabanana hi, you are right, I deeply regret how my ex and I treated his ex and it has been too many years of yearning and heartache. 

It's almost impossible to give up on that love we felt, that's the problem. My ex could easily ignore me or go NC but I know he never will. He comes running literally if I ask to meet him. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, happyvibes said:

It's almost impossible to give up on that love we felt, that's the problem. My ex could easily ignore me or go NC but I know he never will. He comes running literally if I ask to meet him. 

You have a codependent attachment to each other - that doesn’t mean that it’s “love” or that it’s healthy or even that you should be together. That said, I see a bit of a pattern developing here...

I read your post and think to myself, you have wasted a lot of years settling for... what exactly? A relationship with a man who has chosen not to be with you when he was/is available. And now, a relationship with a man that you do not truly love - with whom you cohabitate for whatever reason...

What is it that you want for your life? We get only one life, and the quality of our lives is a direct reflection of the choices we each make. It seems to me that you have and continue to settle for relationships that aren’t really going anywhere... Which makes me want to ask - is this all you want for your life?

Edited March 21, 2021 by BaileyB

[messiness]

@BaileyB hi, I've actually lost everything that I've ever wanted or had. So I don't really want anything now. I guess connection & intimacy...I want to help people.

I just live one day at a time, work hard, keep healthy, grow things, paint.... and just want to spend time with people I love. That's pretty restricted right now.

I'd like to make music with my ex, that may or may not happen. He said he'd be happy to do that. I'd like to travel. That can't exacly happen right now, but some day. I'd like to volunteer on an animal sanctuary.... 

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, happyvibes said:

I've actually lost everything that I've ever wanted or had. So I don't really want anything now.

I’m sorry to hear that. 

That is the sense I get from your posts, that you are content to stay even though neither relationship is particularly fulfilling. It as though you are very passive, willing to let life happen to you, while you seek comfort in other ways. While I don’t disagree that there is a lot to be said for living in the moment, and focusing on the things that bring you joy... It’s sad for me to hear the resignation in the above statement... 

I don’t know what has happened to you in your life to make you feel this way, and I won’t ask you to share... I just hope that you have had some counselling, and/or sought treatment if it’s depression that you feel. I hope you find a relationship to bring you joy... I don’t feel that either of these relationships are the one. Best wishes. 

[messiness]

@BaileyB hi, thanks for your thoughts and well wishes.

I'd just like to say, that I've never been codependent on anyone, in any relationship ever. And I'm not passive letting life happen to me. I'm completely independent in my life and have been since I left home at 19. I'm in my 40s now. 

Life events out of my control have happeneded, which I've dealt with. I had two lots of counselling courses after splitting from my ex,  which was over 3 months of weekly support.  And 2 months of grief counselling recently. Life is tough sometimes. 

I wouldn't say im depressed, but when you've lost as much as I have, it's a struggle to find meaning in anything. I mean, nothing really matters, after all does it? I enjoy seeing a beautiful sky or hearing a bird sing for example, but I'm not seeking joy or excitement. I'd like some peace, that's all. 

I know what I feel in the presence of my ex; he brings me joy every time I see him. I feel like I'm home. 

My boyfriend I live with has relied on me heavily to help him through his major depression over the last 2 years. There's no way I'd go seeking 'a more fulfilling relationship' as you put it, when he has needed me. Being around him, despite all his needs, brings me joy every day too. He's really caring. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, happyvibes said:

I wouldn't say im depressed, but when you've lost as much as I have, it's a struggle to find meaning in anything. I mean, nothing really matters, after all does it? I enjoy seeing a beautiful sky or hearing a bird sing for example, but I'm not seeking joy or excitement. I'd like some peace, that's all. 

I hear you. Having lived life, and experiencing loss, it does change your perspective in many ways... And yes, life is hard sometimes. 

It also, can be wonderful. Sometimes, when you least expect it. I felt the way you do, right before I met my partner. I thought the best part of my life had passed, but I was wrong. It goes to show what we know.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you find happiness... 

BTW, it is really wonderful how you have supported your boyfriend. It’s a very kind and generous thing to do. Just be sure you are not doing this at the expense of your own happiness...