SuzieW Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 Im new but was here about 8 years ago seeking same old advice. My dh has reverted back to stonewalling me when we have a disagreement. He did this before and it lasted 6 months. That was 8 years ago. We have not had this problem since, though we have had disagreements as do all couples we just have handled them more kind and loving. Till this weekend. We had a disagreement and I let him cool off because that’s something he needs for himself. Than I approached. Only he said I am not doing this! Leave me alone! He refuses to speak to me anymore much less be in same room. At this point I’m not even sure what I did besides disagree with him about vacation plans. He wants to drive and I wanna fly. The drive is long 18 hours and the visit to Texas is only 3 days so I figured flying was best. I said with my legs swelling I cant do those long car trips and he said I’m spoiled and selfish. I guess it was selfish of me but I just wanted to speak up because he asked my opinion on driving. Surely this cant be the disagreement thats sets us back to stonewalling? I read several items online how to deal with this. One said to say If you can’t communicate the problem i cant help you solve it, the other said basically just to be kind and consider a mini vacation and try again in a set number of days. I feel dumb lost Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 6 minutes ago, SuzieW said: he said I’m spoiled and selfish. Often the kind of discord and contempt you're describing has nothing to do with the issue at hand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuzieW Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Often the kind of discord and contempt you're describing has nothing to do with the issue at hand. I completely agree! I think he must be upset over more. My kids thinks its because I always plan our trips and ask everyone opinions and everyone is good with it. He was planning this one snd nobody wanted to drive. But especially me and tbh I think I might have a snotty tone. When I tried to discuss later snd apologize for maybe not being more open minded he shut it down. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) Your husband's actions sound typical for how gaslighting works. Stonewalling is a form of gaslighting. He's blaming you, to justify what HE wants to do (drive to Texas). He didn't ask you for your opinion because he wanted it. He strategically asked you, knowing what your answer would be, so that he could incite an argument with you, to emotionally blackmail you and tell you that you two are driving to Texas b/c you are spoiled and selfish in his mind. He couldn't call you those things without reason. So, he invented the argument with you, to justify his anger that he's been stewing about already. Since you always plan the trips and he never gets to participate, he decided that this time around he would stonewall you so that he could plan the trip and you'd have no say in it. Yikes. He has some serious anger problems. If he emotionally shut down after you apologized (good for you), that is actually a trauma response. He must have grown up in a very emotionally volatile environment if his first reaction to to go inward, for self-protection. That's why it's a trauma response - his silence. If you've always had communication problems with your husband have you ever asked a marriage counselor to intervene and help you two? Edited March 21, 2021 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuzieW Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 Thanks! Yes we did have help before and I think its time again. I feel like a weirdo when he does this we are to old for this crap. It makes me feel nervous and anxious and I feel like crying and lashing out but I know one bad behavior isnt solved with another. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, SuzieW said: My kids thinks its because... You need marriage therapy if you are recruiting your kids. That's unfair to them to have to hear your side of this issue against him. First of all they are the kids and don't want to have to take sides or deal with your marital conflicts. Children should never be used as marriage counselors. They should also not be used as a jury ganging up against a spouse. So... who's gaslighting who? 1. Stop involving your kids 2. Get marriage therapy asap. 3. Let him process, reflect in peace without nagging, if he comes around to your "better" idea, great if he doesn't, then figure out another vacation. Edited March 21, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuzieW Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You need marriage therapy if you are recruiting your kids. That's unfair to them to have to hear your side of this issue against him. First of all they are the kids and don't want to have to take sides or deal with your marital conflicts. Children should never be used as marriage counselors. They should also not be used a jury ganging up against a spouse. So... who's gaslighting who? My kids were home at time and this was a family conversation about vacation and he made it very clear I was acting spoiled and when he left for a drive or whatever they told me their opinion. I didn’t ask them!! They are 20 year olds. Edited March 21, 2021 by SuzieW Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuzieW Posted March 21, 2021 Author Share Posted March 21, 2021 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You need marriage therapy if you are recruiting your kids. That's unfair to them to have to hear your side of this issue against him. First of all they are the kids and don't want to have to take sides or deal with your marital conflicts. Children should never be used as marriage counselors. They should also not be used as a jury ganging up against a spouse. So... who's gaslighting who? 1. Stop involving your kids 2. Get marriage therapy asap. 3. Let him process, reflect in peace without nagging, if he comes around to your "better" idea, great if he doesn't, then figure out another vacation. Noted!! But again I didn’t involve kids, this happened in front of them and they both especially my son were shocked and stated their opinions to me. I could careless if we go anywhere honestly I just worry this is a stonewalling event again and am afraid it will be like past 6mths no communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 2 hours ago, SuzieW said: Noted!! But again I didn’t involve kids, this happened in front of them and they both especially my son were shocked and stated their opinions to me. I could careless if we go anywhere honestly I just worry this is a stonewalling event again and am afraid it will be like past 6mths no communication. Like I said, his silence is a trauma response. His stonewalling you is also a trauma response. Since you two did marriage counseling before, was your husband's trauma responses even addressed by the marriage therapist? Was your gaslighting your husband addressed? It's like you two are gaslighting each other because you both don't actually trust the other person, and you each think you're right and the other's wrong on some level. It is great that you apologized to your husband after the fight, and a red flag that he didn't offer up an apology back to you but instead shut down completely. That's not how two health people communicate with each other. It shows a lack of trust for sure. I hope you can get back into marriage counseling with your husband and maybe try a different marriage counselor. Whatever has caused this rift between you two needs to be discovered, discussed, and a resolution that addresses both of your unmet emotional needs, needs to be presented to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted March 21, 2021 Share Posted March 21, 2021 I'm stuck on the fact that your feet swell and he doesn't seem to care. I realize that the stonewalling is the main thing you're asking about. But I can't help wondering about his general behavior towards you over the years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 My boss had a very similar probably with his wife last year and was really upset about it. Knowing him well, when he told me in his half-sentence way, I coaxed a little bit more out of him with a few questions. I can offer one supposition of what might be going on & why you got the response you did from him & how to cope if you think this has any merit: Well so when my boss planned an entire vacation for his wife and was really excited about it....but then what happened is when he told her, anything she wanted to change or debate the way he chose to plan it felt really disrespectful and ungrateful to him and he was really upset and angry about it. I think he viewed ANY digression from his plan as a critique of the plan and his effort. I wonder if something similar is going on with your husband? Back to my boss, of course, I think his reaction was a little over the top. But both he and his wife are each pretty headstrong. He's absolutely a take charge guy and does a lot of planning (compared to a lot of guys for their social plans). Sure, is this unwavering? Yes, of course. But if I were in the situation, as you are & if you think anything like this is going on, I'd find a way to talk to him that acknowledges how much you like & appreciate his effort for the vacation (like over the top on that) and then find a way to make the travel another way that he can be "the best planner/organizer" rather than a critique. It might be hard at this point and sounds like a huge part of the trip so another part that makes it hard. But you can say, "i've been thinking about it and it never occurred to me that it might seem like I'm not appreciating all the trouble you went to & how that would make you feel" (always a good way to find common ground FIRST before you hammer out the negotiations)....and then say something deferential before leading in to the rest of your discussion. While fact for fact you might be totally right, I think people should try to find compromises. Apologies--I've only read the OP so if other details came out I'm not aware Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 As far as the disagreement goes, who wants to drive 18 hours for a three day holiday? Driving that far I'd want to be staying at least two weeks where I was before making the trip home, but I guess it depends on how much you enjoy being stuck in a car. Sounds like he's cracked the darks because he was in charge of the vacation and then he wasn't because no one wanted to drive all the way to Texas. Maybe he had visions of you all singing in the car having a jolly road trip, or perhaps he just wanted to feel like he was wearing the pants for a change? The fact that he's refusing to speak to you says he's super angry about more than just holiday plans. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuzieW Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Watercolors said: Like I said, his silence is a trauma response. His stonewalling you is also a trauma response. Since you two did marriage counseling before, was your husband's trauma responses even addressed by the marriage therapist? Was your gaslighting your husband addressed? It's like you two are gaslighting each other because you both don't actually trust the other person, and you each think you're right and the other's wrong on some level. It is great that you apologized to your husband after the fight, and a red flag that he didn't offer up an apology back to you but instead shut down completely. That's not how two health people communicate with each other. It shows a lack of trust for sure. I hope you can get back into marriage counseling with your husband and maybe try a different marriage counselor. Whatever has caused this rift between you two needs to be discovered, discussed, and a resolution that addresses both of your unmet emotional needs, needs to be presented to you both. How am I gaslighting?? The kids were there when this happened I just said whatt they thought its their opinion and they are adults who are pretty strong minded ppl. He has issues in his past due to childhood that “used” to cause him to shut down when he felt angry or hurt. Thus far therapy was great help and this is back now 8 years later and over a car trip so something I’m missing or am not noticing why he’s feeling so upset over a trip. Edited March 22, 2021 by SuzieW Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuzieW Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: I'm stuck on the fact that your feet swell and he doesn't seem to care. I realize that the stonewalling is the main thing you're asking about. But I can't help wondering about his general behavior towards you over the years. He has been mostly great! He just is being crazy about us driving! Its like hes been dreaming of it his whole life or something. I really don’t understand it myself it hurts my feelings immensely Link to post Share on other sites
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