Weezy1973 Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 14 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I dunno Weezy, I was thinking maybe it's best to make a commitment even get married while in this state; that way you're sort of forced to work issues out, even rediscover those early honeymoon days. Working out issues is normal. But if you move too early, there’s a good possibility that you’ll miss core incompatibilities. Can’t work those out. And rediscovering early honeymoon days happens when you’re patient and wait too. 16 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Versus breaking up and running off to find someone new to feel the madness with, lol. This is called chasing feelings, and a mistake in every facet of life, but especially with relationships. 17 minutes ago, poppyfields said: They had just met one month ago, a "love/lust at first sight" and they got married last week! A mere three weeks after they met. My guess is they will be together forever. Or they’ll get a divorce in a couple months. Your guess is just you projecting what you wish to be true. Read these boards. Or even your own relationships. Does instant love / lust have any correlation to lasting or long term compatibility? If one wants foresight, it has to be done with intention which means waiting until the limerance is gone and assessing things with a clear head. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 7 hours ago, poppyfields said: For me, it's not about ignoring red flags, it's about not recognizing red flags (at the time); that and how the hell can I dump a man I am utterly infatuated and enthralled with? Great in theory but the reality is, it's just not gonna happen. Call it temporary insanity, an addiction, whatever. I own it, accept it and if/when I get hurt because of it, I am grateful for the experience, and learn from it. I truly do feel that way, no regrets. Life is for living, not avoiding, if we get hurt, so be. We live, we love, we learn. Yes yes I've been there Poppy. The issue I have with continuing that way is....doesn't it get old? Repeating the same mistakes. At this point in my life I'm just done with the dead ends because even if I was infatuated with the guy, it was 10% reward 90% disaster. I don't fear getting hurt. I tend to be the dumper anyway. I fear the never ending cycle of break ups that could've been avoided had I been more cautious and realistic. While I don't think one can rush finding the right person and I know there's no point in that, it would be nice to find someone who was right for me and one way to go about that is using my head along with my heart 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 This forum is bursting with posts where somebody meets somebody else; they have core incompatibilities / deal breakers. Poster lays out all the stuff. Poster is completely aware that these things are serious issues. They receive confirmation from the community that, yes, these things are indeed serious issues. Everybody agrees. Yet, poster jumps all in immediately. "Foresight" was in full play. The poster simply chose to ignore it. I don't think it ever works out, unless one is living in a romance novel. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said: This forum is bursting with posts where somebody meets somebody else; they have core incompatibilities / deal breakers. Poster lays out all the stuff. Poster is completely aware that these things are serious issues. They receive confirmation from the community that, yes, these things are indeed serious issues. Everybody agrees. Yet, poster jumps all in immediately. "Foresight" was in full play. The poster simply chose to ignore it. I don't think it ever works out, unless one is living in a romance novel. I doesn't work out Hence the topic of this thread We can't go back in time and undo our mistakes All we can do is learn from them...and I think those lessons are more powerful than any mistake we could make 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Actually I had a great conversation with one of my exes about paying attention little odd stuff on a date. We agreed: pause and linger over ANYTHING that strikes us as odd. Anything. If it makes you uncomfortable or hits an odd note, pay attention. The mistake people make early on is to deliberately ignore, minimize that odd feeling we get. And to hide behind "I don't understand." Probably not a big deal. I don't understand why he/she would do that. This is where our intuition and body are much better evaluators at this point. The body picks up odd stuff really fast. Might take days before the rational mind catches up. Oh yeah, there was something odd about the way this guy smiled at the waitress. It was a bit too long, too intense. Takes the rational brain days to tease out that kind of weirdness bur our bodies would pick it up right away. The way I see this now: trust the negative intuitions and be curious about them. Do not fully trust the positive intuitions. Or: trust strong feelings only as far as the next one or two dates. The human infatuation app randomly fires, and does not predict well who we will really connect with after 6 months or after a year or two years. Well this is just gold! Sooo many times on dates where I've sensed something odd (even just within my bodily instincts) and EVERY TIME it became a big issue later on once my mind had time to process it or it the issue just had time to wreak havoc Edited March 23, 2021 by Dis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 (edited) 7 hours ago, Brooke02 said: Red flags don’t always show up at the beginning. During the honeymoon phase IMO a lot of things are not genuine. Everyone is on their best behavior & trying to impress the other. So by the time some red flags come out you might already have feelings & write the flags off as not as important. For example the guy I just ended it with, at the beginning he would attend my family events & do other stuff with me. After the honeymoon phase he told me he it made him uncomfortable because of the way he was brought up as a kid. Well If I would’ve known that at the beginning it would’ve been a deal breaker for me... yet I stuck around for 6 years. Also a lot of red flags might not be present until you actually live with the person. This is so true but I really wish it wasn't the case My ex's fam made me super uncomfortable. They were so perfect like, Beaver Cleaver and as someone who grew up with utter dysfunction...I couldn't stand to be around them There are so many things we learn as we go on with someone. There really is never such a thing as, take someone at face value when there are so many components to a person But there has to be a way to have our heads on a little more straight than past experiences when we meet someone Edited March 23, 2021 by Dis Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: I dunno Weezy, I was thinking maybe it's best to make a commitment even get married while in this state; that way you're sort of forced to work issues out, even rediscover those early honeymoon days. Versus breaking up and running off to find someone new to feel the madness with, lol. I actually have had the same thought. Like, why not just get married right away while still madly in love, in that 'new' love But then I thought a little more realistically about it and I think most people would just get divorced It would just be a more costly way to end a relationship I know if me and my now ex were married, I'd divorce him. Marriage or no marriage...there is no stopping the end Edited March 23, 2021 by Dis 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 3 hours ago, Dis said: But there has to be a way to have our heads on a little more straight than past experiences when we meet someone Or we can accept that our heads likely won’t be on straight at the beginning, so having a plan to give it time before we get to that point is valuable. The other thing to be aware of is that sometimes our own anxiety at the beginning stages drives us to early commitment in an attempt to reduce that anxiety. Those infatuation feelings are like a drug, and we don’t want to lose them, so we try to nail down what we think is the source of those feelings (whoever we’re dating). Again letting our feelings guide our behavior is often detrimental. Living with intention, based on our values and goals leads to much better outcomes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 The problem often is that not all the people we(gen) meet are equal, some are vastly superior to the others. Some of us are not actually meeting many candidates we deem "suitable", so when we meet one who is half way decent or ticks some of our boxes, we tend to want to hold onto them. We then may want to overlook some bad traits, in order to fool ourselves into thinking they might actually be "the one". Once the love/sex hormones take over they are definitely "the one". Once we sober up, we realise an alcoholic drop out or a fun loving party goer or a miserable loner or the parent of 5 kids is not really "the one" at all. We built them up into something they weren't, in order to fit our own narrative. Because many are so caught up in their own narrative, they refuse to see red flags and incompatibilities even when glaringly obvious to everyone else. They go lalala with their fingers in their ears and refuse to listen... until one day when it all comes home to roost... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 I generally end things when I see serious red flags but I have been single most of my life. For me it's hard to meet someone even remotely compatible (and it gets SO much harder with age due to there being less single people). I have on occasion ignored red flags just to have a bit of romance in my life. I have never in my life met someone that I am compatible with, he is into me as much as I am into him and there are no serious red flags. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 The number one rule about security/safety is to go with your gut - also called radar, intuition, and my favorite, spidy sense! This also true about relationships. Your heart and your head lie to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Or we can accept that our heads likely won’t be on straight at the beginning, so having a plan to give it time before we get to that point is valuable. The other thing to be aware of is that sometimes our own anxiety at the beginning stages drives us to early commitment in an attempt to reduce that anxiety. Those infatuation feelings are like a drug, and we don’t want to lose them, so we try to nail down what we think is the source of those feelings (whoever we’re dating). Again letting our feelings guide our behavior is often detrimental. Living with intention, based on our values and goals leads to much better outcomes. Such a good point! I think a way to take our time with it is to be happy being single so we don't rush to change that which often leads to rushing into something that's not a good idea Like you said though, it's hard not to rush. The beginning stages of dating always made me want to throw myself into a new relationship because it feels good but also because I was tired of dating...a good way to stop doing that is being happy on my own I guess but I definitely will need constant reminders to slow down 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: The number one rule about security/safety is to go with your gut - also called radar, intuition, and my favorite, spidy sense! This also true about relationships. Your heart and your head lie to you. They really do though! The head influences the heart and vice versa But I don't think my gut ever lead me astray Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: The problem often is that not all the people we(gen) meet are equal, some are vastly superior to the others. Some of us are not actually meeting many candidates we deem "suitable", so when we meet one who is half way decent or ticks some of our boxes, we tend to want to hold onto them. We then may want to overlook some bad traits, in order to fool ourselves into thinking they might actually be "the one". Once the love/sex hormones take over they are definitely "the one". Once we sober up, we realise an alcoholic drop out or a fun loving party goer or a miserable loner or the parent of 5 kids is not really "the one" at all. We built them up into something they weren't, in order to fit our own narrative. Because many are so caught up in their own narrative, they refuse to see red flags and incompatibilities even when glaringly obvious to everyone else. They go lalala with their fingers in their ears and refuse to listen... until one day when it all comes home to roost... That's what I did with my exs. They checked a few boxes but not enough and by the time I realized it wasn't a good idea, I felt like I was in too deep to back out. Crazy how chemistry makes us feel like a person is the one when they're anything but that. It creates such a cloudiness. I need to stop convincing myself of these things when I meet someone 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Dis said: That's what I did with my exs. They checked a few boxes but not enough and by the time I realized it wasn't a good idea, I felt like I was in too deep to back out. Crazy how chemistry makes us feel like a person is the one when they're anything but that. It creates such a cloudiness. I need to stop convincing myself of these things when I meet someone Good luck Dis. I think if you choose a partner to fill a void, or societal pressures, or simply to alleviate loneliness, recognizing red flags and avoiding is relatively easy. But when in the thralls of infatuation, when everything about the person seems perfect or perfect for us, it's extremely difficult to see things quite so clearly and rationally. Like I said, in theory, it sounds great, but I know for myself, when feeling such an intense infatuation, limerence as it's referred to on LS, logic is no where to be found. I wish I could find it, but being an emotional person, my emotions rule, and try as I might, there is not much I can do about it. I have accepted this, and it's okay. I embrace all my experiences, positive and negative, wouldn't change any of them, not for one second, even if and when I have gotten hurt. Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted March 23, 2021 Author Share Posted March 23, 2021 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Good luck Dis. I think if you choose a partner to fill a void, or societal pressures, or simply to alleviate loneliness, recognizing red flags and avoiding is relatively easy. But when in the thralls of infatuation, when everything about the person seems perfect or perfect for us, it's extremely difficult to see things quite so clearly and rationally. Like I said, in theory, it sounds great, but I know for myself, when feeling such an intense infatuation, limerence as it's referred to on LS, logic is no where to be found. I wish I could find it, but being an emotional person, my emotions rule, and try as I might, there is not much I can do about it. I have accepted this, and it's okay. I embrace all my experiences, positive and negative, wouldn't change any of them, not for one second, even if and when I have gotten hurt. I totally agree! Which is why I think Weezy's point in taking things slow is so important for me to implement. You seem like a go with the flow, chill person. I'm more high strung and resistant. But more than anything I'm just tired of starting over, over and over again. It gets tiring for me because in the past I didn't really enjoy the journey, only longed for the destination. And even now that I look at things differently and know there's no sense in rushing, I still just don't have the heart to throw caution to the wind anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 I had a weeks long infatuation with someone where we both decided to go slow on getting physical. We did lots of hugging and hand-holding. Utter infatuation. The moment we kissed, it turned out that there was absolutely no physical chemistry. My rule about infatuation: do NOT listen to love songs during this period. Do NOT! Do NOT feed the infatuation in any way. It's funny: I have a close friend who will call out when I'm infatuated. Love him. He's under orders from me to keep doing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: I had a weeks long infatuation with someone where we both decided to go slow on getting physical. We did lots of hugging and hand-holding. Utter infatuation. The moment we kissed, it turned out that there was absolutely no physical chemistry. I have never had that happen, not even sure how that's possible, I mean were they a bad kisser or something? I have had the opposite happen, I was friends with a guy, felt zero chemistry until he kissed me and we dated for four years. Edited March 23, 2021 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 On 3/22/2021 at 2:41 PM, Dis said: What are your thoughts and feelings about foresight in dating? How has it served you? How important is it to you? When I was younger? Had very little use for it. Having experiences was more important than avoiding risk, outside of the obvious stuff (STD's, drug use etc). As an adult, I've killed off relationships earlier and earlier, as soon as I see a red flag, because I'm experienced enough now to know better. When you're younger, you can lie to yourself that people will change, that nothing is set in stone. Later, after you've been through the meat grinder a few times, you begin to understand that you really need to take people as they are. You can't change people. If you can't accept who they are today, chances are, you won't accept them tomorrow either. I had a relationship where it turned out we were terribly sexually incompatible. We tried for 2 years to resolve our issues and she wanted to go ahead and get married regardless. I broke it off, because I knew that in the long run, we'd both end up miserable. In the end, you're not always going to get it right. Sometimes you're going to guess wrong. Maybe your story will be the exception to the rule. But most of the time, that sadly isn't the case and you should plan accordingly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts