Did Drugs end my relationship or did she blow things out of proportion?

[IWander834]

A month ago, my recent ex and I argued over the fact I bought psychedelic mushrooms off a guy at work. I was fully understanding that buying them at work was stupid and I could loss my job. I was expecting her to be mad about how I bought the shrooms (which she was), but she was more so mad about the fact I thought it was okay to experiment with psychedelics. 

We were living together right outside of Denver. Denver has decriminalized shrooms. In our relationship, she had problems with myself and marijuana. I will admit there were plenty of times I smoked marijuana during inappropriate times through the course of our relationship. Working from home during the pandemic definitely didn't help. 8 months ago, I stopped smoking at times when it was inappropriate or of inconvenience to her. I also cut back on the amount of marijuana I consumed tremendously around the same time.

We had talked about doing shrooms together, but I knew she wouldn't comfortable since I've only done shrooms a few times and know there can be ups and downs throughout your trip. I did them once while in the desert camping, once while writing music in the apartment, and once micro-dosing to see what that was like. I never take enough to have intense visuals since I feel it would scare me.

Regardless, she broke up with me because she stated she doesn't want to be with someone who is a drug addict and because I feel the need to hide drugs from her. Somewhat valid, but not entirely. I don't feel I've done shrooms enough to be considered a drug addict and also don't do them in high enough doses. I also smoke a regular amount of weed for a mid 20s Colorado marijuana user. Especially since I definitely did go through a stretch where I definitely did smoke when it probably wasn't the best too. I was very open and honest with her about when I would go to the dispensary and would even ask if it was okay if I smoked when I would get home from work. Some nights I would get permission from her and not even smoke at all.

Before we moved to Colorado, I was very upfront and honest with her about how marijuana is my guilty pleasure and that I would like to dive more into psilocybin once we get to Colorado. I'm your typical 25 year old Colorado man who road trips with his guitar, makes it a point to snowboard all the destinations on my ski pass, and can backpack for days on end. I don't believe I'm a drug addict because during a week day, I wake up in the morning, go to the gym, check my stock portfolio, make a solid breakfast, go to work, kick the workdays ass, grab some grub, get home, pack a bowl, of that good indica, lit it up, pick the guitar, and then go to sleep. On my days off it's wake 'n' bake with some coffee and sativa, take care of some bills, run some errands, go on a little adventure in the mountains with a joint, meet up with some friends, and finish the day off usually without marijuana. Shrooms are only on days off and very few and far between.

How should I feel? I loved this girl and know marijuana was a problem, but I thought I had it well under the control over the past 8 months. Need advice.

[IWander834]

A month ago, my recent ex and I broke up over something that I honestly thought was going to be worked through pretty easily (see my last post for more details).

This was the fall out though.

I left the apartment after the argument because I knew if I stayed I was going to make nice and I really needed to think the relationship through. I ended up calling an ex on the way to my friend's place to get perspective from someone who had been intimate with me in a similar way. She pretty much told me my most recent ex seemed like she didn't want experience life the way I wanted to and I'm better off doing my own thing or finding someone who does want to experience life that way. I agreed, and when I got to my friends place, my friends strongly encouraged me not to go back. My friends pointed out how she would talk down to me, control aspects of my life, and squash my creativity right in front of them.

So I stayed the night with my friends even though I had planned on only staying an hour or two and then head back to sleep in our guest bedroom at the apartment.

The next morning, I returned to the apartment to get ready for work. There is a box of select clothes outside the door. I went to unlock the door and my key is not working. She works for the apartment community we lived at and changed the locks with her co-workers on me. Let me add, we're talking about 3 women in their mid 20s and 1 man in his mid 40s who made the decision to change the locks less than an hour and half after they began their work day.

I was livid as any one I believe would be. This same woman less than 24 hours prior to changing the locks came to my work to take advantage of the services we provide and told me she was so proud of how good I am at my job. We hashed it out over the locks because this didn't seem legal and seemed like a direct abuse of her power. Turns out it was exactly that since this was my primary residence and I was served no proper eviction notice.

She sent me a text saying she'll take me to court over taking a glass table she paid for and to go f*** myself for calling my ex. The only reason she knows I called my ex is because she went through my laptop while I was gone.

The same day, I get calls from my mom and select friends letting me know she reached out to them to speak poorly of me.

I moved out that night.

The next day, my recent ex is posted a conversation she had with a person about how I'm trash on her social media stories. Let me also add, we are talking about someone I was with for almost 2 years and marriage, a house, and kids were all on the table. She pushed for those more than I did too.

Then a couple days following that, she post another social media story of her flirting with her ex while he was playing a live stream of Call of Duty.

A few days after that she ask me if I would take a table the same table she told me she'd come after me for if I took.

What?! I snapped about everything she had done a week after the initial break up. I was doing so well to civilly end this, but it was so hard when this was how she was acting.

5 days after, I apologized for snapping and said "We're better than this and this isn't how people who love each treat one another". I was doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on our relationship. Things I could have done better, things I did well, things I should have done, etc.

From then, we were texting regularly, letting each other know about our days. I ended up showing up unannounced after work one night (I had genuinely left my phone at home before work). I was covered in grime, mud, and even blood from a maintenance project I had to end the day with at work. I went over knowing there was a box of my belongings with clothes in it and I was in desperate need for clean clothes.

We talked more and she told me some things that filled in some pieces into our relationship puzzle. Now I'm really thinking about what I could have done better. I spent the night (yes we had sex) and left believing we had agreed that were better off not together, working on ourselves, picking up with some casual dating, and then hitting the restart button when the time was right. 

I went back the following night (no we did not have sex). I told her I wanted to hold her all night long. I did.

The next day, she was leaving to go see family and friends. We had talked the whole day and I left her know I regretted a lot of the decisions I made in the relationship that led to her discomfort and that if I could back I would have done them differently, but I can't and I'll use this as an opportunity to learn and better myself. She seemed impressed by the fact I was able to realize a lot of these things.

When she was on her trip, we didn't talk much. I knew she needed a break from a lot of things including me. When she returned, she let me know she was moving back home to be close to family. 

I was extremely happy for her. I knew she wasn't happy with where we moved to since it plays such a strong influence in my lifestyle which makes her uncomfortable. I was proud of her for taking care of herself and knowing what's best for her. 

But I was also sad of course, I felt like I failed her.

So I planned a dinner date for us where I'd tell her I want a future with her back home where we are from, but I'm not ready to move yet, and that we should make her last few weeks here great. Let bygones by bygones, forget the fights and petty treatment after the break up, and love one another until she left. 

I was so excited! This dinner was going to be amazing. Got the car cleaned, wore a nice outfit, did my hair, made sure I was on time, everything!

I pick her up and the first thing I said was "You look so beautiful"

She says "I have to tell you something before we go to dinner"

I say "Okay"

She says "I slept with my ex when I was home"

I'm enraged knowing how I planned for the night to go... And then when I found the details my god...

Her ex was the one who flew her out there and she lied to me about who she was staying with and she also lied to her friends and family. Telling everyone something different. She stayed with him almost the whole time and got jiggy twice...

She was crying, saying she regretted it and how she couldn't stop thinking about me... Okay what with his dick inside of her? That's exactly when I want my recent ex to think of me...

I was so head strong on the night I planned and our future I went through the night trying to get passed it. 

I spent the night with her (yes we had sex again) and talked about the future we wanted together which included having a baby.

Then the next morning, I woke up thinking to myself "What the hell... Why do I want anything with this girl after what she did..."

Reason I felt this way was because it hit me that she had a choice before she left to tell him about the nights we spent together, that I was remorseful for the faults of our relationship, and that a future between her and I was not off the table just yet.

Why didn't she take that opportunity to tell him no? Remember, we're talking about a girl who constantly stressed getting married and starting a family. We had been looking at houses together for several months prior to us breaking up.

Then I thought about her actions since we broke up and how this isn't love... this isn't how you treat someone you love... 

I know we weren't together, but I had already been making it clear there was hope for our relationship. We both said I love you to one another on the nights I stayed there before she left. How could she do this and then come back thinking I should be okay with it? How am I supposed to feel like this woman loves me?

I finally cut the chord last night. Let her know she can't have me after what she did no matter how badly I wanted a great few weeks and a marvelous future with her.

I need validation that I'm not crazy and I'm doing the right thing more than anything. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

 

[heavenonearth]

It does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. You both sound like you are not good at acting on your emotions. Emotional regulation is so important in a relationship, otherwise you can really hurt the other person (and yourself). We only get your side of the story, but if she really did all these things after the break up - yeah, they may have been hurtful to you and very impulsive and also toxic from her side. But in the light of her having problems with emotional regulation, many of her actions immediately after the break up are also understandable. Toxic - but for someone who can't control their impulses, understandable. 

If the weed/mushroom use led to the big fight, then it seems there is an underlying issue in your relationship where you are not compatible. I understand where she is coming from, because for some people, drug use, even if legal, can be an issue. My boyfriend smokes weed every now and then but it is not a problem in our relationship and I know it never will be. If your partner finds it problematic, then that is a crucial incompatibility in the relationship, a fundamental one. And it seems perhaps it was too much for her this time, plus having to have the same conversation over and over again, constantly, can be tiring. I also agree you should not stop your legal drug use for your partner if the drug use is that important to you - that just means you are not compatible and you gotta figure out if you want the relationship or the drugs. To you it sounded like she was controlling you. To me, it sounded like she was trying to meet you in the middle. Of course that did not work out, and it seems you kept crossing certain boundaries/breaking certain agreements. Again, neither of you truly at fault here, in my opinion, just highly incompatible.

The changing locks is something I cannot comment on. Did you ever do anything to make her feel unsafe (you wrote at some point you snapped, were livid, etc - does this happen often)? Then it would be understandable.

2 hours ago, IWander834 said:

Then the next morning, I woke up thinking to myself "What the hell... Why do I want anything with this girl after what she did..."

Reason I felt this way was because it hit me that she had a choice before she left to tell him about the nights we spent together, that I was remorseful for the faults of our relationship, and that a future between her and I was not off the table just yet.

Do you know that she told him about her nights with you or not? How does that matter? Seems he used an opportunity to sleep with her, don't think it would have mattered to him if you and her were about to rekindle things or not. Again, you were giving her mixed signals by suggesting you BOTH can date around and you are not officially in a committed relationship at this time. Sucks it happened to be her ex, but technically, she did not break any agreements between you two by sleeping with someone else. She is not evil for doing this, but you condemn her for this. You can be disappointed, and you can, of course, decide to not want to be with her, because you feel it is a dealbreaker for you etc. But I don't think you can condemn her for it. She is not a bad person for this.

Some of the things you mentioned she did were toxic, but you also were broken up. Was she the same way during your relationship? I feel that matters much more here. But we don't know any of this. We don't know your entire backstory, apart from the drug use being a problem. You keep writing you realized you could have done things differently, etc, but never really tell us what that is. It seems something was missing for her in the relationship? We cannot possibly know. You have not given us enough information about your relationship background, on other problems you have had throughout the relationship, how they were resolved in the past, if there were certain patterns, etc.

You only gave us an image of a girl who treated you poorly after you were not together anymore. We can only comment on that and not on how she was in the relationship. People act crazy after break ups sometimes, especially people with poor impulse control/lack of emotional regulation . That does not tell you a lot about how they are in general or how they are in a relationship. Hence I would prefer to refrain from validating your actions, because they seem to all be based on things she did after the break up, not during the relationship.
 

2 hours ago, IWander834 said:

I know we weren't together, but I had already been making it clear there was hope for our relationship. We both said I love you to one another on the nights I stayed there before she left. How could she do this and then come back thinking I should be okay with it? How am I supposed to feel like this woman loves me? 
I finally cut the chord last night. Let her know she can't have me after what she did no matter how badly I wanted a great few weeks and a marvelous future with her.

She told you about it, she did not lie to you, you were not together, your ego is hurt, but, again, technically this is not a betrayal.
 

So, she sounds like she needs to do a lot of work to regulate her emotions and impulses.
But to be honest, I don't buy your heroic journey here ("I am a changed man") and I feel something is off.
You talked so badly about her here, but then complained she was talking badly about you?
Did you talk badly about her to people in your immediate circle, also? 
You are looking for validation. Maybe she was doing the same? You don't cut her any slack at any point in your post.
And I am so curious how her side of the story would sound like.

Good thing you let her go. You both should not be together.
Hopefully she can work on her issues and find someone whose values align with hers, and you can perhaps find someone who wants to smoke weed with you.
Problem solved. Hope you can move on and I hope the same for her.

Edited March 22, 2021 by heavenonearth
typos

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, IWander834 said:

. I ended up calling an ex on the way to my friend's place to get perspective from someone who had been intimate with me 

The next morning, I returned to the apartment to get ready for work. There is a box of select clothes outside the door. I went to unlock the door and my key is not working. 

Sorry this happened. Do you still have stuff at her place?

You took off and called another ex to talk trash about this ex?

She gets the locks changed?

Unless you crave this much drama, be glad it's finally over.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, IWander834 said:

How should I feel? I loved this girl and know marijuana was a problem, but I thought I had it well under the control over the past 8 months. Need advice.

I can't see how you expected her to be okay with mushrooms when she was not ok with marijuana. Did you really think it wasn't going to be a problem?

You two are very incompatible here. It's better to stay apart so you can both find partners who share your views on these things. 

[Negotaurus]

My ex also hid stuff like this from me. It's humiliating. If she wants to be done with this and you want to continue doing your drugs, let it go, mate. 

[BaileyB]

Drug use is a dealbreaker for me. I completely understand your girlfriends concern. 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, IWander834 said:

Regardless, she broke up with me because she stated she doesn't want to be with someone who is a drug addict and because I feel the need to hide drugs from her.

Sounds completely logical and accurate to me.
Your choices have consequences, that is how the world tends to work

[d0nnivain]

Your choices regarding drugs played a part in it.  But make it less controversial.  Say you loved vanilla ice cream but she was concerned about your health / weight & didn't want you to eat as much ice cream.  When you promised her you would cut back but didn't & hid it from her instead then brought home a banana split she decided she'd had enough. 

You may love her but you also love your ability to smoke more.  Choices, my friend, & IMO, you picked wrong.  

[IWander834]

4 hours ago, heavenonearth said:

The changing locks is something I cannot comment on. Did you ever do anything to make her feel unsafe (you wrote at some point you snapped, were livid, etc - does this happen often)? Then it would be understandable.

When I say I snapped and was livid, it's in the sense I felt hurt and reacted in the sense I think what you're doing is exactly what you said toxic, but I never did anything that would warrant her to believe I'd steal or hurt her. I think the hiding drugs from her is mostly where her trust issues are in regards to me which is fine. 

The backstory to our relationship is that when we met, I was an up and coming musician in a small city. We went to rival high schools, but never knew each other, but we did now the same people and probably where in the same room at the same parties back when we were in our teens.

I was living at home when we first met, recent college graduate with his first big job down the street from his parents place and was trying to save money. She moved in with her mom after a bad break up 2 months prior to us meeting. 

She was shy and timid and I'm not. I'm very bold and confident and she liked that. I liked that she was reserved as well. I was bringing her out of her shell. She was my biggest fan, we went on awesome dates throughout the small city, and she would even come to spend time with my family to get away from her mom's fiance since he would make her very uncomfortable.

You asked about problems during the relationship, about 3 weeks in I knew I was going to be with someone who was somewhat difficult. If I was sick and had to cancel plans or she made plans with people thinking I would be able to come, but could not it was a problem. She has social anxiety and felt she needed me in those settings, but there was always an expectation of me to be there for her and when I let down that expectation it was not good.

She also would talk poorly of her family and make it seem like I didn't need to be associated with them. There was one time when she had planned a luncheon for her mom before she got remarried and I was invited, but it didn't seem like I was supposed to go. Big mistake and I felt so bad because I went to church with my family instead of spending time with her family. She felt like my family was the priority. I will say once we moved from the small city to Denver. The priority quickly became her family and I started realizing how important her family was to her.

We moved in together after about 6 months of dating and that's when this became hard, but not entirely. We did grand hikes, explored the city, made new friends, learned how to love each other in new ways, worked through many arguments, made healthy changes for one another, and planned out our future together.

Our professional lives came between us tremendously. Our schedules never lined up perfectly. She was really hard on me to get a schedule that worked for her when I was trying to please my superiors and grow my career. I stressed to my employers (two different companies over the span of 16 months) that my schedule was hurting my relationship, but they made minimal to zero effort to help me out.

My biggest problem was I constantly felt I didn't have time for myself or hobbies and she wanted all that time. I stopped picking up the guitar, working out, and reading because she wanted me to watch her movies and shows. I've been a big TV watcher so we struggled with this and I didn't enjoy the type of shows she watched. Movies we were able to find ones that the both of us liked. 

Also, she didn't have much interest in doing a lot of the things that made our relationship so great when we first started seeing each other. She wasn't as willing to try new things with me, but she would try new things with her girlfriends.

I never felt really appreciated and I knew I could do more, but it always felt like I couldn't do enough and I had to compromise so much of myself and my interests to please her. I felt I was loosing myself. 

The big kicker was we got in two really big fights.

One in September when we went on a vacation with her family in the same town where my best friend lived. My best friend made it very difficult for me to spend time with her family and her family made it very difficult for me to spend time with my best friend, but at the end of the day, knowing what I know now. Her family should have taken precedent and I should have stuck up for her to my friend. her family, however, are extremely hard to please and barely ate on the trip. I was hungry the whole time which probably led to my rashness. It was also hard because she belittled me in front of my friend and later in front of my family when they came to meet all of us for dinner one night. Total s*** show. 

The other in November when I was having some friends come and spend the night for a snowboarding trip. She belittled me in front of my friends for not helping her take the two dogs to the bathroom. She comes through the door and says "why didn't you help me take the dogs out?!" to where I responded "because I have my friends over" to where she responded "just because your friends are here doesn't mean you don't have to help me" to where I responded "Don't get on me in front of my friends, if you wanted help you should have asked." 

She locked me out of the bedroom that night in front of my friends... Eventually she unlocked it, but I was humiliated and my friends were like "yikes".

The next night we got in a big fight over it, and I left. I didn't come back for 4 nights because I was waiting for an apology. When we got into arguments, I was quick to forgive her and come back and I knew I was not in the wrong this time. My dad kind of ingrained it into my head that when it comes to women that you can be right or you can happy. She didn't check in on me. She instead went out partying and got on hinge (which she posted on social media outlets).

When I came back I was packing some camping supplies to go out to the desert. She asked what I was doing and I said "What I've been doing. Clearing my mind and waiting for an apology". 

I came back from the trip to her and she apologized. everything from that point was good.

[smackie9]

Your friends were right, and so was your ex. It's very clear there isn't compatibility. For the long haul, if you are not a match and supported with the things you are interested in, hobbies, creativity, interests, your passions, then it's gonna go south eventually. What happens is you both start to grow apart. You are frustrated, she's frustrated. It's over because it needed to be over. You love her and of course you are going to think it's just a bump in the road, but in actuality it's a moat with sharks in it.

Edited March 22, 2021 by smackie9

[heavenonearth]

From w

55 minutes ago, IWander834 said:

When I say I snapped and was livid, it's in the sense I felt hurt and reacted in the sense I think what you're doing is exactly what you said toxic, but I never did anything that would warrant her to believe I'd steal or hurt her. I think the hiding drugs from her is mostly where her trust issues are in regards to me which is fine. 

The backstory to our relationship is that when we met, I was an up and coming musician in a small city. We went to rival high schools, but never knew each other, but we did now the same people and probably where in the same room at the same parties back when we were in our teens.

I was living at home when we first met, recent college graduate with his first big job down the street from his parents place and was trying to save money. She moved in with her mom after a bad break up 2 months prior to us meeting. 

She was shy and timid and I'm not. I'm very bold and confident and she liked that. I liked that she was reserved as well. I was bringing her out of her shell. She was my biggest fan, we went on awesome dates throughout the small city, and she would even come to spend time with my family to get away from her mom's fiance since he would make her very uncomfortable.

You asked about problems during the relationship, about 3 weeks in I knew I was going to be with someone who was somewhat difficult. If I was sick and had to cancel plans or she made plans with people thinking I would be able to come, but could not it was a problem. She has social anxiety and felt she needed me in those settings, but there was always an expectation of me to be there for her and when I let down that expectation it was not good.

She also would talk poorly of her family and make it seem like I didn't need to be associated with them. There was one time when she had planned a luncheon for her mom before she got remarried and I was invited, but it didn't seem like I was supposed to go. Big mistake and I felt so bad because I went to church with my family instead of spending time with her family. She felt like my family was the priority. I will say once we moved from the small city to Denver. The priority quickly became her family and I started realizing how important her family was to her.

We moved in together after about 6 months of dating and that's when this became hard, but not entirely. We did grand hikes, explored the city, made new friends, learned how to love each other in new ways, worked through many arguments, made healthy changes for one another, and planned out our future together.

Our professional lives came between us tremendously. Our schedules never lined up perfectly. She was really hard on me to get a schedule that worked for her when I was trying to please my superiors and grow my career. I stressed to my employers (two different companies over the span of 16 months) that my schedule was hurting my relationship, but they made minimal to zero effort to help me out.

My biggest problem was I constantly felt I didn't have time for myself or hobbies and she wanted all that time. I stopped picking up the guitar, working out, and reading because she wanted me to watch her movies and shows. I've been a big TV watcher so we struggled with this and I didn't enjoy the type of shows she watched. Movies we were able to find ones that the both of us liked. 

Also, she didn't have much interest in doing a lot of the things that made our relationship so great when we first started seeing each other. She wasn't as willing to try new things with me, but she would try new things with her girlfriends.

I never felt really appreciated and I knew I could do more, but it always felt like I couldn't do enough and I had to compromise so much of myself and my interests to please her. I felt I was loosing myself. 

The big kicker was we got in two really big fights.

One in September when we went on a vacation with her family in the same town where my best friend lived. My best friend made it very difficult for me to spend time with her family and her family made it very difficult for me to spend time with my best friend, but at the end of the day, knowing what I know now. Her family should have taken precedent and I should have stuck up for her to my friend. her family, however, are extremely hard to please and barely ate on the trip. I was hungry the whole time which probably led to my rashness. It was also hard because she belittled me in front of my friend and later in front of my family when they came to meet all of us for dinner one night. Total s*** show. 

The other in November when I was having some friends come and spend the night for a snowboarding trip. She belittled me in front of my friends for not helping her take the two dogs to the bathroom. She comes through the door and says "why didn't you help me take the dogs out?!" to where I responded "because I have my friends over" to where she responded "just because your friends are here doesn't mean you don't have to help me" to where I responded "Don't get on me in front of my friends, if you wanted help you should have asked." 

She locked me out of the bedroom that night in front of my friends... Eventually she unlocked it, but I was humiliated and my friends were like "yikes".

The next night we got in a big fight over it, and I left. I didn't come back for 4 nights because I was waiting for an apology. When we got into arguments, I was quick to forgive her and come back and I knew I was not in the wrong this time. My dad kind of ingrained it into my head that when it comes to women that you can be right or you can happy. She didn't check in on me. She instead went out partying and got on hinge (which she posted on social media outlets).

When I came back I was packing some camping supplies to go out to the desert. She asked what I was doing and I said "What I've been doing. Clearing my mind and waiting for an apology". 

I came back from the trip to her and she apologized. everything from that point was good.

 

I have still the same impression of you as I did after your first post -- possibly even more intense now.

From what I read, you seem to imply that EVERYTHING (literally EVERYTHING) is her fault. She is a terrible human being, in your eyes, and she should have bowed down to you for having tolerated her. Right? That's how you are acting right now.

Nothing is your fault. You have never done anything wrong. Right? That is how you are acting right now.

You make her out to be a terrible human being, when really a lot of the things you faulted her for here really seem to be not that big of a deal, in my opinion, and probably more symptoms of a bigger issue.. who knows how much you really helped her with household chores that she started asking you in front of your friends? We can't know. Again, it is all just your side of things. And difficult to validate you when all you do is shittalk your ex.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for you on this one, just like I didn't in your OG post and in your previous post about the drugs. I still think it is good you two are not together anymore, and hopefully you both can learn from this so you can build a healthy foundation for a future apart. This is the only validation I can give you. Oh, and a bit of humility wouldn't hurt either.

[IWander834]

1 hour ago, heavenonearth said:

From w

 

I have still the same impression of you as I did after your first post -- possibly even more intense now.

From what I read, you seem to imply that EVERYTHING (literally EVERYTHING) is her fault. She is a terrible human being, in your eyes, and she should have bowed down to you for having tolerated her. Right? That's how you are acting right now.

Nothing is your fault. You have never done anything wrong. Right? That is how you are acting right now.

You make her out to be a terrible human being, when really a lot of the things you faulted her for here really seem to be not that big of a deal, in my opinion, and probably more symptoms of a bigger issue.. who knows how much you really helped her with household chores that she started asking you in front of your friends? We can't know. Again, it is all just your side of things. And difficult to validate you when all you do is shittalk your ex.

I don't have a lot of sympathy for you on this one, just like I didn't in your OG post and in your previous post about the drugs. I still think it is good you two are not together anymore, and hopefully you both can learn from this so you can build a healthy foundation for a future apart. This is the only validation I can give you. Oh, and a bit of humility wouldn't hurt either.

s*** talking and saying she's terrible? This is a dating forum and I'm stating what happened... I don't think everything is her fault. I even take blame in my post at certain point. I never expected her to bow down to me. I think she felt like she was supposed to at times and vice versa for me to do the same. I'm sorry I can't give all the details, but I don't have the time too... These post take a really long time so I explained what I felt was important and you asked... I'm not calling her names or demeaning her. I'm saying what happened to try to paint a picture to where I can get feedback and hopefully make sense of this.

[heavenonearth]

15 minutes ago, IWander834 said:

s*** talking and saying she's terrible? This is a dating forum and I'm stating what happened... I don't think everything is her fault. I even take blame in my post at certain point. I never expected her to bow down to me. I think she felt like she was supposed to at times and vice versa for me to do the same. I'm sorry I can't give all the details, but I don't have the time too... These post take a really long time so I explained what I felt was important and you asked... I'm not calling her names or demeaning her. I'm saying what happened to try to paint a picture to where I can get feedback and hopefully make sense of this.

The feedback I gave you was pretty constructive. You want to hear that you did the right thing by telling her to go to hell for sleeping with someone else whilst you weren't together -- well you wont hear that from me. Sounds like you're mad bc you did not hear what you wanted to?

It seems to be over and there is no going back. Best thing you can do is move on and leave it behind you.

Learn from it. Try to reflect and not repeat mistakes. And best to not contact her again. I don't think you were good for each other. Mutually.

[smackie9]

No one is wrong or right, just a difference of perspective. It's a lifestyle that isn't hers. You two are better off going your own way and meet someone more compatible. I really don't know why you are getting all tied in knots over this. It's pretty obvious you weren't right for each other.

Edited March 22, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

You need to be with a fellow drug user.

Yes, arguing about drugs or while tripping, high etc. is certainly a nail in the coffin.

Go to those ayahuasca parties/ceremonies to find like minded people.

You're in a parent-child dynamic. The stoned teen and the finger wagging folks.

[basil67]

I agree that she did nothing wrong by sleeping with her ex.  I mean, you weren't even 'on a break'....you were properly broken up. 

Further, it appears that you were miserable in the relationship and felt like she was holding you back.  It makes sense to move on and find someone who better meets you needs.

[spiderowl]

You asked if drugs were the reason she broke up.  I would say they were one of the reasons.  You first post was all about drugs.  You are not an occasional pot smoker but a regular one, mostly every day and for some time? That is a lot to deal with.  Pot makes people lethargic and less inclined to do the things they would normally do.  I can understand why she got angry when you wouldn't help walk the dogs.  She might have been over the top on that occasion - I don't know - but it may have been the last straw for her.

Getting into mushrooms as well might have been a small thing for you, if you only planned to do it occasionally, but to her it could have looked like an escalation.  If she was already finding you unavailable to her emotionally and physically due to pot smoking, then the 'shrooms' would be the final straw.

The problem with drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, any addiction, is that is takes time away from a partner. It means that you are likely to be irritable or tense when not taking the drugs.  It means that you are spending time seeking out drugs.  All in all, it's not something one wants in a relationship because it's like the person is having an affair.  If they start lying and hiding drugs, then that is a betrayal and also displays a lack of trust.  For you, needing to hide your drugs should show you that things are a bit out of hand.  If you want to carry on in the same way, smoking as much as you do, then don't expect a partner to want to share it.  Another poster said you needed someone who shared that hobby - yes, that may work, but only as long as that partner does not want children.  Once pregnancy occurs and children come along, drugs really get in the way and can be harmful to kids if smoking around them.

It does sound as if the relationship has run into the ground.  You have both tried and it hasn't worked.  She slept with someone else, maybe as a kind of cry for help, or whatever, but it is a sign that things are bad enough for her to take the risk of breaking the relationship up.

I would suggest leaving it for a while, build the lifestyle you want to lead - thinking carefully about whether you should reduce your reliance on drugs or not - and then find someone who shares a similar lifestyle.  She can't force you to be what she wants and vice versa. It is kinder for both of you to re-evaluate and look elsewhere if it is just not working.

Edited March 27, 2021 by spiderowl

[Mrin]

Colorado dude who lives in the mountains here - bro, your weed habit is not normal. You're a pothead. She's not into potheads. Incompatibility. Find someone who is 420 friendly.

You guys also incompatible in about 15 other ways. Better to just move on.