Sushi12 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 I used to have quite a few friends being younger now I am 21 and haven’t had many friends except 1 for the past couple years. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I used to love having friends but after a while I just found it draining having to give so much of myself. They always expected so much and never really put me first in the friendship. I found myself being the one who was kind of the runt of all the jokes. I blamed myself for a long time because I didn’t set the standards for how I wanted to be treated in the friendship. I never really stood up for myself and it was so freeing to let them friends go. Now I don’t really feel the need to have friends but my boyfriend has a good social life. Sometimes it makes me feel bad or not really understand why he likes to have friends. I would maybe like to have a few more friends but at the same time I don’t really care for seeing people much. I feel bad for not wanting friends when my boyfriend does but I don’t understand why. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 12 minutes ago, Sushi12 said: . I found myself being the one who was kind of the runt of all the jokes. These aren't friends. That is the problem. You do want and need friends, even if you're an introvert and your BF is more extroverted. Join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer,etc to make higher quality friends As far as your BF, do you resent his social life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sushi12 Posted March 22, 2021 Author Share Posted March 22, 2021 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: These aren't friends. That is the problem. You do want and need friends, even if you're an introvert and your BF is more extroverted. Join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer,etc to make higher quality friends As far as your BF, do you resent his social life? Maybe I slightly resent it but not to the point where I feel it adversely effects our relationship. We still go out a together with his friends and I’m friends with a lot of his friends. I give him the space that he needs as I understand his need for friendship and to be able to live our lives separately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 It sounds like the friends you had in the past were bad friends who didn't treat you all that well. You can't base your opinion of friendships on that. The fact that you have a boyfriend changes things. It's not like you are completely isolated from people. Many people who are in a relationship don't have much time for friends anyway, and the relationship kind of fulfills their social needs. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 Humans are basically pack animals. Our id brains need others. It's very hard to thrive in social isolation. It's also bad to get all your socialization from one person -- your BF. If you were always the brunt of the jokes, those were not good friends so letting them go was a good thing. I feel extremely fortunate that I have a number of dear friends. They have kept me sane through Covid. They are incredibly important to me. The friendships are balanced. At different times some of us give & others take; at other times I'm the taker. Thinking back to everything my friends did for me when my parents died. I might not have survived without them. In contrast I have always been somebody who has had hundreds of acquaintances. Many of them have faded away through Covid lockdowns. That's OK. I see them on FB & I always knew I couldn't count on them so it's hardly a loss that they proved themselves to be fair weather friends only. You seem like you are OK with your BF's friends even if you don't understand his need for friends. Being open minded is helpful. When you see them interacting or when he talks about them really observe the dynamic. Hopefully that will give you insight into how good friendships work in the hopes that you can use his model to develop 1-2 good friends of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
cbr600r Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 Like others have said, those "friends" you had were not very good friends and may have soured you on friendships forever. Find a sport or hobby where you can meet people that you have something in common with. And remember, in order to make friends, you have to be friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 I have suffered where you seem to be, and I am quite a bit older than you (at age 46). But, this is what I have learned over time about people: 1) Childhood friends - Do you still talk to people you went to high school with? Probably not. Why? Because you have nothing in common with them anymore and you outgrew each other. That was the case with me and unfortunately I ended up having two extraordinarily bad childhood friends who I was clinging to the memories we had as kids. However, there are/were times that I would want to have friends and I always fell back on them because they were comfortable people from my past. They turned out not to be and sounded like these bad friends that you encountered. 2) Cancel Culture - We didn't have a word for this until just recently, but this seems to have taken over our lives. As soon as certain periods of your life come to an end (you leave/graduate from schools, leave jobs, leave projects / organizations, move, break up with someone, etc.), so do your relationships with others who are/were part of those things. Why? I don't think others have the want/need for friendship unless there is something in it for them anymore. Sad? Yes, it is, but unfortunately, that's how it is. 3) Peaking - I have had friends in the past who were just seasonal people, I have now determined that some people are meant to be with you for a lifetime and others for just a season or two. There is kind of a peak moment in the relationship(s) then it declines. When it declines, you have to realize that this is over with and it's not what it was. I have some friends that I talk to once or twice a year and that's fine. 4) Bad friends - Have you ever noticed that some people base their relationships on things like partying? Some people don't want to do things unless there is drinking and/or using drugs involved. In AA / NA they try to teach others things like this, to be sure, but have you ever noticed that there are some who can/will base their relationships on other things as well? Take that factor (whatever that is) out of the relationship and you have very little left. This happened to my mom years ago with a long time friend of hers who I will call Martha. Martha was not a nice person to begin with, but I won't get into mom's reasons for choosing her as a friend. There was always a rivalry between me and my sister and her kids, she thought her horrible daughter was God's gift to the earth and worshiped her like she was a perfect genius angel when she was a miserable shrew. When she failed organic chemistry and found out she wasn't going to get into medical school, then she lashed out at me over it, what did Martha have anymore to hold over my mom's head other than her jealousy? Instead of disciplining her daughter, she ended the relationship with my mom a few weeks later. She was a bad friend, but you take the IT factor out of it, and there's nothing. 5) Getting older - As you get older, the want and need to socialize goes down. There are a lot of reasons behind this : you change, the people around you change, the places you go to for entertainments change, your priorities / circumstances change, etc. And one of the things that can / does change is the fact that you don't need to be around others and you don't need to have friends because of the way you have been abused / treated by bad friends in the past. Because there are very few people in the world who are good, long standing people. I am happy by myself, I like the peace and quiet now, and I am fine whether I am alone or with a group. And if I am lonely or bored sometimes? Well, that's okay, that's a better alternative to drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted April 21, 2021 Share Posted April 21, 2021 On 3/22/2021 at 7:31 AM, Sushi12 said: I used to have quite a few friends being younger now I am 21 and haven’t had many friends except 1 for the past couple years. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. I used to love having friends but after a while I just found it draining having to give so much of myself. They always expected so much and never really put me first in the friendship. I found myself being the one who was kind of the runt of all the jokes. I blamed myself for a long time because I didn’t set the standards for how I wanted to be treated in the friendship. I never really stood up for myself and it was so freeing to let them friends go. Now I don’t really feel the need to have friends but my boyfriend has a good social life. Sometimes it makes me feel bad or not really understand why he likes to have friends. I would maybe like to have a few more friends but at the same time I don’t really care for seeing people much. I feel bad for not wanting friends when my boyfriend does but I don’t understand why. If you don't feel the need to have friends, then good for you. Maybe all you need is some acquaintances, to fill the time, so that you have a life outside of your BF. I think that would be healthy. Even one good friend might be good enough. Just remember, if things don't work out with the BF long-term, then you might need some more people around. Maybe one friend is enough for you. Don't judge yourself by other people's standards. Link to post Share on other sites
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