family dynamics

[primer]

I posted before about not attending our Christmas gathering. Here is an update on my family and I am looking for advice.

Sister 2 has not been responding to my texts or talking to me since Christmas. We do group texts and emails to update each other about our aging Dad and his doctor's appointments. No response does make it difficult to discuss Dad's needs. Is she going to help? Does she have any suggestions? 

Thursday, Sister 1 sent an email stating her and her husband will be out of state for a week in April. I thought nice, a vacation for them. She should let me know in case something happens with Dad.

Friday, Sister 2 sends an email stating her and her husband will be out of state for a week in April also. They are going the same place as Sister 1! Coincidence?? I think not. This whole time Sister 2 will not communicate with me, she is planning a vacation with Sister 1. (At the Christmas gathering I did not attend, she got mad about something and stormed out, drove for hours in the middle of the night to get home.)

Lately I have been feeling pretty good mentally. I figured it was a combination of springtime, busy at work and not hearing from my sisters. Last week's incident has set me back to square one. I am so sick of this! I am considering blocking them on my phone and not communicating at all. What do you think?

[Alpacalia]

If you've already asked for their feedback and they've been unresponsive, I can see why you want to try to distance yourself from them. Perhaps not as dramatic as blocking communication with them.

It sounds as though they are leaving the majority of decisions regarding your father's health entirely up to you? Or is it just that they are both going on vacation and won't be available?

[primer]

Sister 2 does not respond to anything, even if it's not about my father. Except now when she let me know she is going on vacation with Sister 1. Obviously she is talking and responsive to Sister 1.

I think they were just letting me know they won't be available that week if needed. They are pretty decent at helping with Dad - Sister 2 is not a good communicator.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, primer said:

Sister 2 does not respond to anything, even if it's not about my father. Except now when she let me know she is going on vacation with Sister 1. Obviously she is talking and responsive to Sister 1.

I think they were just letting me know they won't be available that week if needed. They are pretty decent at helping with Dad - Sister 2 is not a good communicator.

 

 

So then why do you want to "block them and not communicate at all?" Or is it just Sister #2?

Edited March 22, 2021 by Alpaca

[primer]

I am thinking about blocking them because my responses are not acknowledged or answered.

This morning I responded to an email and said "Did you receive this email?" and I did not get an answer yet. If I don't get an answer by tomorrow, I might try calling them. Maybe, for some reason, they don't receive my texts OR emails. I am emailing from my desktop computer and texting from my phone.

 

[primer]

Update: Still no response - even from my email that said "Did you receive this email?" I sent a test email to my work email address and I received it.

How can one proceed after this? Nothing I do is right. It never has been.

I feel stupid because we are in our 50s. 

 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I haven’t followed any past threads but your situation sounds all too familiar! I have two sisters, and I am the middle child. We are all in our 50s. Anyway older sister and younger sister regularly come to verbal blows and “cut each other off” and block each other over and over. Then they try to relay messages through me, which I put a quick stop to. This dynamic has happened for a decade. 

Growing up with two siblings, I realized early on three means a shifting dynamic of two against one. You are on the outs right now and I don’t think you should block them, especially with your father’s health situation.
 

My only advice it to have your boundaries (not familiar with the Christmas situation but agree wholeheartedly with not attending dysfunctional family events) and be the bigger person, as annoying as that can be (by not blocking them or sinking to any childish behaviors). Their failure to respond is super annoying and no clue what to suggest. Perhaps the phone call will help otherwise I guess you have to just do what you feel is best for dad.

My mother passed about two years ago and my older sister was the only one of the three who lived in the same state. She had the biggest burden though I tried to help, but I know it was very hard on her. 

Hang in there - just wanted to acknowledge that crappy situation you are in.

 

 

Edited March 27, 2021 by ClearEyes-FullHeart

[primer]

1 hour ago, ClearEyes-FullHeart said:

 

My only advice it to have your boundaries (not familiar with the Christmas situation but agree wholeheartedly with not attending dysfunctional family events) and be the bigger person, as annoying as that can be (by not blocking them or sinking to any childish behaviors). Their failure to respond is super annoying and no clue what to suggest. Perhaps the phone call will help otherwise I guess you have to just do what you feel is best for dad.

 

Unfortunately, my boundaries contribute to the problem. When I set boundaries it makes them even more mad (and mean).

Life in general with my family = damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I have a hard time communicating with them. My dad is hard to communicate with too. It's almost as if they don't hear me or don't believe me.

In my work and social life I do not have the problem. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Yeah that is tough and I can relate with damned if you do dammed if you don’t. Despite it all, you will miss your dad more than you probably anticipate when he is gone. (Not implying you don’t expect to miss him).
 

My family has had so much dysfunction (alcoholism, poor communication on and on) but now with both parents gone, I would give anything to have a family reunion at our childhood home. My father died 30 years ago and my mother was 85 and in poor health when she passed, and I had a very complicated relationship with her. I truly miss her so much more that I would have expected.

 

[glows]

There's no point blocking them. The issue is that they don't communicate enough so what does blocking do? Are you going to block and unblock and message them for emergencies and then block them again when the emergencies have passed? No. This is not realistic. 

Mute their contact if it helps on your phone so that you can check for messages let's say once a week or once every few days on your own terms/schedule. You don't have to reply to them right away or read their messages right away. 

In regards to their vacation plans, distance yourself from what they do. If they are not going to invite you in their plans, so be it. Deep breaths. It just means that your relationship is not that close and you will have to accept that. Focus on the relationships that you do have and put things in perspective. The world does not revolve around your sisters. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope that you have a strong support network and people around you who are also supporting you in all this.

[vla1120]

On 3/27/2021 at 11:07 AM, primer said:

Update: Still no response - even from my email that said "Did you receive this email?" I sent a test email to my work email address and I received it.

How can one proceed after this? Nothing I do is right. It never has been.

I feel stupid because we are in our 50s. 

 

I would put a short disclaimer at the bottom of each email I send them from now on, something like -

"NOTICE: If you do not respond to my email by --enter date/time here--, I must conclude that you agree with my thoughts/decisions and that I have your consent to move forward with my plans."