Is he a narcissist?

[Parachute86]

Was I dealing with a narcissist ?

I was dating a guy for about 5 months (after many failed relationships with narcissistic types) and I thought for the first time, I found someone who isn’t abusive.

The backstory is that this person is a 34 year old physician, and seemed very loving and compassionate the entire time I dated him. I have some jealousy issues which I take full accountability for, and he was always very sensitive and supportive to my insecurities and any issue that I have. I thought I could trust him. He also recently introduced me to his parents ...I was the first woman he has ever brought home. I didn’t think there was anything weird about that...he told me that he is someone who has always had bad luck in love. All of his girlfriends up and left with without explanation.

Here are the red flags that I noticed and probably should have paid attention to:

he told me that he loved me after a month of dating

-he spends 3-4 nights a week at his parents house

-claimed that his parents are very religious and that they couldn’t know that we spend the night together. I recall his mother calling him once while I was at his place and telling him how worried she was that I was going to hurt him...I hadn’t even met her yet!

he has an unhealthy relationship with his mother (in my view at least). He told me that she gave him a bath recently as he broke his arm. And I thought “you still had one good arm!! Can’t you bathe yourself?”. He also told me that he rubbed her tummy because she was ill last week. I also witnessed him Pat her on the butt while she was cooking ...needless to say, I was kinda grossed out. 

-he has broken down in tears several times seemingly out of nowhere. He said that he’s worried about his family and that he and his mom only have each other. (His parents are married and he also has a sister). The way he talks about his mom being his best friend really creeps me out. Also, he kept talking about how he needs to be there for her because his dad is an a**h***. That’s why he sleeps there 4 nights a week. He doesn’t seem to realize that his mother needs to handle her own affairs....

we only slept together the first month of dating. He claims that his libido is low because of the antidepressants he is taking...but I wonder if it has something to do with the unhealthy dynamic between he and his his mother 

-he asked me if I thought his relationship with his mother was weird ...

Anyway, the final straw for me was when he was over at my place last week, and his parents called (probably to make sure that we weren’t having sex!). He talks with them for like half an hour, so I am just looking at my own phone not really paying attention. Usually when he speaks to his parents late a t night, he asks me to pretend like I’m not there. Anyway, so all of the sudden he’s like “wanna say hi to my parents?!” 

Of course I said hello, and I was pleasant but I was completely caught off guard so I kept the conversation short. We had just seen them the night prior so it’s not like I had anything need to talk about. But when we got off the phone with them, he was like “you could have been a little more peppy with them. They were trying to engage you in conversation and you just seemed uninterested”. I was completely shocked by that comment because I have NEVER had a problem with anyone’s parents and I definitely wasn’t rude. 

The next day he tells me that he confirmed with his parents, and they thought he was nuts for thinking I was rude and apologized to me. He says that he checked with them for ME, to reassure me - which is complete bullshit because I didn’t need their validation on this. He did.

I confronted him about this a couple of days later, and I added that I found his relationship with his parents (mother specifically) unhealthy and asked what we could do to work on this. It didn’t go well...he just made it seem like he had NO IDEA what I was talking about even though he has told me this himself in the past!!!! And then he ended it with me! And his last words were “ill sleep well tonight knowing that you did this to yourself”

I am so confused and angry. This is a man who told me that he loved unconditionally, and that he is aware of his unhealthy dynamic with his family, and working on it in therapy. And when I brought up the fact that he spends so much time worrying about his mom that I felt it was interfering with our relationship, it’s like he became a different person. What gives?!

[Wiseman2]

Are you from different cultures? All of it sounds bizarre. You dodged a bullet.

'Weirdo' is not in the DSM5. However the umbilical cord is still attached.👶🍼

This doesn't even need a diagnosis, it's just totally messed up.

Edited March 22, 2021 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Parachute86 said:

he told me that he is someone who has always had bad luck in love. All of his girlfriends up and left with without explanation.

Interesting that this didn't make it into your list of red flags - because should have been top of your list of red flags.   A giant waving red flag of 'victim mentality'.     My advice is to not automatically accept a story of being 'unlucky in love', because chances are that not only is it their behaviour which causes all their relationships to end, but they lack the introspection to look at how they are contributing to their own repeated downfalls.  

And now you know why his previous girlfriends up and left.   They saw the mother thing going on and sensibly headed for the hills.  Please don't make the mistake of thinking that you need to work through major issues that someone else has.  

 

[Miss Peach]

Who cares what he is. That wasn't healthy for you to stay there. If you really want a diagnosis he sounds emmeshed with his mom. Some parents will use their children to fulfill more of their spouse role. There are a few books out there on it if you want to read more but I suggest focusing on yourself and what you can learn here.