Sexless because of meds

[Sexlesslady]

Hello

this is my first time posting here because I can’t really share this anywhere else. My husband of 18 years is in medication for blood pressure, cholesterol and anxiety meds and cannot have intercourses due to ED and has absolutely zero desire too. This has been going on for many many years now. He is 47 and in relatively good shape but blood pressure and cholesterol problems runs in his family.  Anyways I’ve been begging him to talk with the Dr. At one point he did and he had his testosterone tested and it was very low but he refuses to get shots for it. I’ve again asked him to go back to the Dr and ask if perhaps the meds are causing issues. But it’s been literally years since we’ve had any sexual relationship. And I really don’t know what the solution is anymore.  He is a great husband in every other way. What do people do in this situation ? 

[Happy Lemming]

Many years ago, I had a boss (mid 40's) that had low testosterone.  He came to me to apologize for being "moody and angry" with me and explained his medical problem.  I'm not sure but think he also had high blood pressure and high cholesterol, but I can't be 100% sure as this was many years ago.

I don't know if he got shots or how his low testosterone was corrected, but he was "over the moon" happy with the results.  The only reason I know this is because, after a month or so I asked him if he was feeling better, because he seemed quite happy whenever I saw him.  His response was that he was "right as rain", everything was fixed and he was quite happy!!

How would your husband feel if you accompanied him to the doctor and participated in the discussion about correcting his low testosterone??

 

 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Sexlesslady said:

 He is a great husband in every other way. What do people do in this situation ? 

What some might do is explain directly that there are two in a marriage and it is only fair that their needs should be met and that the two of you should figure out together what that might look like. (I used to use the term "insist" but some folks around here misinterpreted that or took it more strongly than I meant.)

Ask that a solution be found. What options are on the table? Among those, decide together which are the best options.

If a solution cannot be found, you'll need to consider whether to stay and suffer or leave. Leaving is selfish if he is happy, as he's apparently content and certainly not trying to cause you distress. That is the problem with being "stuck" in a bad marriage IF a solution cannot be found. You either get to be selfish or selfless. But (at the risk of stating what's pretty obvious) the first thing to do is put in substantial effort to really work on a solution.

Edited March 24, 2021 by mark clemson

[Lotsgoingon]

Some anxiety meds can knock out desire. He needs to tell this to his doctors and get them to experiment with new medications.

You should have brought this up much earlier. But best to go the positive route ... talk about how much you used to love touching him. Start there, talk about how great it was ... then say you want some more touch.

If his problem is just ED, then Viagra (or one of the alternatives) can take care of that. Sexual desire is different--desire gets you to wanting to have an erection. Desire can stimulate you to just wanna kiss your spouse and so on. I was once on an antidepressant that absolutely killed desire.(That antidepressant is sometimes used to treat anxiety).  I have to credit my ex: she got in my face and ordered me to go to the doctor and ask for a change in med. I did, and it worked. In fact, the med I changed to was way better than the previous med and ended up totally changing my life for the better. And it had no sexual side effects.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Sexlesslady said:

 he refuses to get shots for it. I’ve again asked him to go back to the Dr and ask if perhaps the meds are causing issues. 

Sorry this is happening. In addition to multiple health problems, he doesn't seem interested in sex.

Harping on testosterone shots won't solve your problems. In fact it's emascating and infantalizing. Which will only further your marital discord.

Let him solve his own medical problems with his doctors.

Talk to Your doctor about you. Ask for a referral to a therapist. Discuss the intimacy issues and frustrations.

Then decide if you want to leave the marriage or try marriage therapy. Most of all don't play doctor or mommy him.

Just decide if a marriage that's devolved into roommates is something you can live with or not.

 

 

Edited March 24, 2021 by Wiseman2

[wifemomwhoami]

This is very difficult. While it sucks to be in your position, it's hard on the guy too. I'm sure he feels like less than a man. He probably doesn't want to get on even more meds as well.

Maybe they could change or adjust the ones he's taking and he can up his Testosterone a bit by natural methods, instead of hormone therapy. Perhaps that would seem like a more do-able option for him.

I think you do have to find a way to gently let him know how important it is to you. He needs to know that if he continues to refuse to at least try to do something about it, you may eventually have to leave even though that is not what you want to happen.

Is he physically affectionate in other ways? (Also, make sure he's not just taking the easy way out and "going solo" with porn instead of working to improve things in the bedroom).

Best of luck.

[Fletch Lives]

He needs to go back to the doctor for ED help. If everything else about the relationship is good besides the sex issue, you may have to put your foot down. Some people have cut off affection, or domestic support, recreational companionship, or have walked out for a short time (or even a long time). Sometimes
you have to shock them to get your message across.

[Happy Lemming]

@SexlessladyQuick question...  Is there any reason he can't perform oral sex on you??

Is that something you enjoy??

[Sexlesslady]

13 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@SexlessladyQuick question...  Is there any reason he can't perform oral sex on you??

Is that something you enjoy??

He doesn’t like doing oral sex. He’s got no desire and even when he did have desire he didn’t like oral sex. He likes it for him but not performing it on me. 

[Sexlesslady]

23 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

He needs to go back to the doctor for ED help. If everything else about the relationship is good besides the sex issue, you may have to put your foot down. Some people have cut off affection, or domestic support, recreational companionship, or have walked out for a short time (or even a long time). Sometimes
you have to shock them to get your message across.

He is going back to the Dr but I’m doubtful it will help. 

[Happy Lemming]

8 minutes ago, Sexlesslady said:

He likes it for him but not performing it on me. 

That seems a little one-sided...

You'd think he would want to provide you with some pleasure and bring you to orgasm if he couldn't get an erection??

[Sexlesslady]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

That seems a little one-sided...

You'd think he would want to provide you with some pleasure and bring you to orgasm if he couldn't get an erection??

No unfortunately that is not the case. It has caused a lot of resentment for me and I don’t feel like going down on him. So I don’t anymore.    There is zero sexual touching or sexual anything and it’s been like that for years. The only time he will do something is if I bug him and then he’s not into it at all and basically fingers me and then tells me to use my vibrator. 

[Sexlesslady]

Just for the record I know I have to either find a way to put up with this, have him fix it with his Dr or Leave.  I don’t like options 1 and 3 , but not sure I can do option 2.  We have kids and other then sex .... he is a wonderful man. How do you leave that ???

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, Sexlesslady said:

There is zero sexual touching or sexual anything and it’s been like that for years.

I'm really sorry to hear that. 

So would you say the problem is 50% erectile dysfunction and 50% no desire/want to do any sexual activity of any kind??

In theory, if the erectile dysfunction were fixed, that still may not fix the problem of desire/want??  Or do you think the desire would return if the ED problem were corrected??

[Sexlesslady]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm really sorry to hear that. 

So would you say the problem is 50% erectile dysfunction and 50% no desire/want to do any sexual activity of any kind??

In theory, if the erectile dysfunction were fixed, that still may not fix the problem of desire/want??  Or do you think the desire would return if the ED problem were corrected??

I would say desire is the bigger issue - if he had desire we could work around the ED and do other things rather then just intercourse. 

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Sexlesslady said:

But it’s been literally years since we’ve had any sexual relationship.

Why have you left it so long?
Is there any other non sexual intimacy ie hugs and kisses, nice touches, other signs of affection between the two of you?

[Sexlesslady]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Why have you left it so long?
Is there any other non sexual intimacy ie hugs and kisses, nice touches, other signs of affection between the two of you?

I tried getting help about 5 years ago and we went to counselling and he went to the Dr. He tried to address the issues and was sent to a urologist who said he had low testosterone but didn’t address the medications as the cause of those and then my husband gave up on it. It’s not a priority to him.  Occasional hugs and kisses but they are not sexual in nature - more like a friend hugs you. 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Sexlesslady said:

I would say desire is the bigger issue - if he had desire we could work around the ED and do other things rather then just intercourse. 

You know... I'm really not sure what to say.

Testosterone is the gasoline that drives our little engine, but I'm not sure that it will fix both issues.  I'm hopeful that it would fix both, but I just don't know.

Would he allow you to accompany him to the doctor for a discussion about the topic??

[Sexlesslady]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

You know... I'm really not sure what to say.

Testosterone is the gasoline that drives our little engine, but I'm not sure that it will fix both issues.  I'm hopeful that it would fix both, but I just don't know.

Would he allow you to accompany him to the doctor for a discussion about the topic??

I don’t think he would allow me to come to the Dr with him. 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Sexlesslady said:

I don’t think he would allow me to come to the Dr with him. 

I'm very sorry to hear this... unfortunately, I don't have any other suggestions.

[Miss Spider]

See if he can ask his doctor to play around a little bit with the different kinds of meds. I know Lisinopril can be very good at killing sex drive. It’s a stickler because health issues like cardiovascular disease of anxiety  can cause a ED and extreme decline in libido alone, then compound that with the medications, and yeah. So yeah and I know it’s probably preaching to the choir but getting his heart health better the ‘natural’ way via diet and exercise is a strong suggestion. Sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck to you all.

Edited March 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[wifemomwhoami]

1 hour ago, Sexlesslady said:

He doesn’t like doing oral sex. He’s got no desire and even when he did have desire he didn’t like oral sex. He likes it for him but not performing it on me.

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a red flag. It sounds like he is selfish.

I'll add again that it could be porn and no-effort release adding to the issues. It's selfish and easy, and abuse of porn leaves many men with little or no desire for their wives.

[Sexlesslady]

1 hour ago, wifemomwhoami said:

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a red flag. It sounds like he is selfish.

I'll add again that it could be porn and no-effort release adding to the issues. It's selfish and easy, and abuse of porn leaves many men with little or no desire for their wives.

I don’t think it is porn - he has never indicated or shown any behaviour that I would think he was watching porn. 

[wifemomwhoami]

Maybe not, (but I'd double check). Still, at his age, despite his health issues, I'd bet money that he still has sexual urges. He's doing something with those urges...

In general, there's nothing wrong with masturbation. However, if he's going solo while you sit there sex starved, there is a bigger problem.

Edited March 24, 2021 by wifemomwhoami
change wording

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sexlesslady said:

I don’t think he would allow me to come to the Dr with him. 

What a patient and doctor discuss is private and protected by law. You shouldn't be there. Keep saying to yourself "I'm not his mother, he's a grown man".

This is a marriage problem. Address those, including selfishness.

Edited March 24, 2021 by Wiseman2