When you thought they'd fight for you

[abstr4ct]

So to start off, I seem to have a problem with prolonging break ups. I’ve been in relationships practically since I was 13, dated my first love for almost 5 years and learned about “toxicity”. While I was 18 he broke up with me and within a day was with someone already new (they’re still together). About 3 months or so pass and I meet my second love, who I thought was my “breath of fresh air”Dated for almost 2 years with a break up in the middle and where I first incorporated NC and it worked until we got back together and finally he broke up with me and surprise surprise he also was with someone else no later afterwards (they’re also still together.) 

which now brings me to my recent breakup, my third love, who after a few months of my second relationship, he came out of nowhere and funnily enough I used to have a crush on back in high school. We officially met after I invited him to a party where we had some mutual friends and after a few weeks of texting back and forth, seemingly without running out of things to say, we finally had our first date. And from then on we were sort of inseparable. But then school started up again and our work schedules were a little conflicting at times but we managed to make it work.
  As far as his relationship past went, he had a puppy love relationship the last 2 years of high school and then a 3 month relationship in college. So then, opposed to my previous relationships, where I felt very codependent and was constantly with my partner, this relationship was a lot different. Although I’m very extroverted at times and he’s introverted, we became very in sync and balanced each other out, we were best friends. He had also told me that he started listening to country again because of me and that he’d find himself singing out loud in the car and I’d laugh because personally I never really liked country, I tolerated it but never went out of my way. He was good with always remembering little details about me and he showed his love through acts of services for sure. But he also was still very reserved and had an avoidant attachment style while I was the complete opposite. 

I should’ve picked up on little things that later on would become significant, like his lack of proper communication and not being as emotionally available as I was. We didn’t tell each other we loved each other until three months in but as far as expressing himself, he couldn’t find his words. I remember telling him that I would not teach him how to treat me or how to be my boyfriend and we almost broke up, he wrote me a three page essay almost expressing himself and I thought of how proud I was of him because in his previous relationships he never really got through communicating. But sadly, it was a one time thing and the whole time I would express myself or try to communicate after some inconveniences, he’d only stay quiet, and when I’d ask him for his feedback or what he thought he’d always say “I don’t know what to say”, so for the longest time it felt like I was alone in the relationship.

 I then felt conflicted because everyone always talks about how “the right person will come into your life and know exactly what to do”. So when it felt like I was constantly putting in effort, seeking him out and only being the one attempting to make plans to see each other, I decided to break up. And all he said was “I understand”. He didn’t fight for me, he didn’t try to convince me to stay. He agreed that I deserved better and he recognized that he wasn’t being consistent because he already wasn’t as consistent with himself as he wished he was. And I was stunned because if I deserved better, why couldn’t he do better for me?
 

And so how does that “right” person come to know? I felt like someone had to have taught them. And as humans we are bound to adapt and learn, so I thought about how relationships take work and effort and even we can’t form a habit in 21 days, in reality it take way longer than that.
 

So I decided that maybe breaking up wasn’t it and we needed actual solutions and he had already acknowledged his inconsistency but we all have our own problems and recognizing is the first step and I’ve always said that love starts off as a feeling but then it becomes a choice, and I decided to choose him. And I was hopeful and I was optimistic and I wrote down all of these new ideas and solutions that would help our situation and could help us get on track including what I needed to work on myself. 

However, it didn’t go as planned, I gave him my speech, my ideas, and then asked him what he thought were our weaknesses and strengths and asked him if he was willingly to move forward and he said “I don’t know.” Then it went to “maybe I want to be single and focus on myself.” And that’s when it hit me that no matter what, no matter if I had done everything I could, if he didn’t want to, this wasn’t happening. 

As I mentioned, I prolong my breakups and we had broken up 2 weeks ago and this was all in that span, I kept reaching out, even wrote him a breakup letter and today we saw each other one last time, hooked up one last time and I finally asked him to block me because I needed that push to not fall into that cycle anymore. However, I did leave him with the words that if he woke up one day soon and realized that it is me, to not wait until it’s too late to do something about it because there could come a day where I am no longer an option. 

Now I willingly listen to country music and realize what he meant, too bad the only ones resonating with me right now are the ones of lost love. 
  
 

[abstr4ct]

I guess if there has to be a question asked after this rant, would there be a possibility of getting back together? Because although I initiated the breakup, it turned into a mutual breakup, to then basically him solidifying it and breaking up with me

[basil67]

1 hour ago, abstr4ct said:

 I then felt conflicted because everyone always talks about how “the right person will come into your life and know exactly what to do”.

<snip>

And so how does that “right” person come to know? I felt like someone had to have taught them.

I'm so sorry.....I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that the right person will instinctively know your needs.  Probably because it's BS. Or at best, the stuff of fairytale romances.   

The right person knows how to treat us because WE teach them.  We give them the knowledge they need and if it resonates, they will remember and use that information.   A good relationship is underpinned by good communication.  And good communication includes giving other people the information they need to be a good partner to us.  For instance, stuff I've told my husband is "Please don't book me into an event without asking me first"  or "I love going out with you in groups, but I also need quiet nights in and date nights just with you"  

Regarding fighting for you.....he was probably very tired of being the bad guy who wasn't meeting your needs and knew that without information from you, it would never get any better.   Not arguing against you was the right decision. 

If you want another chance with him, reach out, apologise and tell him that you had it all wrong.  That the internet or friends which told you that he should 'just know' how to treat you were stupid and you should have reconsidered your approach earlier.  Eat humble pie.

[abstr4ct]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry.....I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that the right person will instinctively know your needs.  Probably because it's BS. Or at best, the stuff of fairytale romances.   

The right person knows how to treat us because WE teach them.  We give them the knowledge they need and if it resonates, they will remember and use that information.   A good relationship is underpinned by good communication.  And good communication includes giving other people the information they need to be a good partner to us.  For instance, stuff I've told my husband is "Please don't book me into an event without asking me first"  or "I love going out with you in groups, but I also need quiet nights in and date nights just with you"  

Regarding fighting for you.....he was probably very tired of being the bad guy who wasn't meeting your needs and knew that without information from you, it would never get any better.   Not arguing against you was the right decision. 

If you want another chance with him, reach out, apologise and tell him that you had it all wrong.  That the internet or friends which told you that he should 'just know' how to treat you were stupid and you should have reconsidered your approach earlier.  Eat humble pie.

You’re absolutely right and I agree! I had came to that same exact conclusion when I was talking to one of my friends, about how I felt like I could be influenced by my best friend and she’s the one who would say that a lot. And so when I started talking to my other friend, I realized exactly that- that the right person learns and we teach them. On the talk that I mentioned on my post about me writing down ideas and solutions, I also brought that up to him. I let him know that I was wrong for telling him that I wouldn’t teach him, and that I did want to. Also in the letter I wrote to him I mentioned the same thing about how my views changed. 
 

I believe I might’ve saturated the situation too much and I didn’t give him enough time and space which is what I’m trying to do now, I just asked him to block me so I wouldn’t make things worse 

[Mrin]

So... There are some people who see breakups as a form of communication. A form of growth. A method of manipulation - yes, but also a catalyst for change. They can mean an end but they oftentimes mean a lot of other things. You are one of those people.  

Then there are people who see breakups as breakups. The end of something. When they occur, the book, not just the chapter, is closed. Fini. Caput. And it takes something pretty dramatic to start a new book. To give it another try. Sometimes that can be really significant changes in one or both people. Or a significant amount of time. It needs to be something much bigger than "try harder" or "do better". It needs to be something big.

But here's the thing, while you see it as just penning another chapter of your book/relationship and just picking up where you left off, they see it as starting a whole new relationship. And that's not something to be undertaken lightly and honestly... There's a taint or a stench that hangs over that new rekindled relationship. It can be cleared but you need to know it's there.

Your boyfriend is one of these people. I'm one of these people. And to be perfectly frank with you, people like you confuse the f*** out of people like us.

It's one thing to be unhappy with your relationship partner. It's another thing to fight with them. Or even take a break. But ending something... Yeah that has permanent consequences for people like us that people like you don't fully grasp. 

The only thing I can tell you to do is give him a lot of time and maybe, just maybe, you'll have another shot. 

[Mrin]

Oh one more thing. Don't ever, ever, EVER use breaking up as a tool for getting somebody to fight for you. Half the time they won't fight for you. The other half of the time they'll fight for you because of the challenge and dump you once they get you back. Somewhere in between those two halves is a very small miniscule portion of people who will fight for you and then keep you.

[abstr4ct]

22 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Oh one more thing. Don't ever, ever, EVER use breaking up as a tool for getting somebody to fight for you. Half the time they won't fight for you. The other half of the time they'll fight for you because of the challenge and dump you once they get you back. Somewhere in between those two halves is a very small miniscule portion of people who will fight for you and then keep you.

First I’d like to say that if no one has ever apologized for confusing you the way I did with my ex, I’m truly sorry. This really gave me a new perspective and I hadn’t seen it any other way than how I did. I am at fault for jumping to extremes, costing me now an actual breakup, when I could’ve definitely handled and approached things a lot better. I was so focused on having my needs met and I was convinced that I was the spokesman for communication but I lacked the understanding that communicating is so much bigger than just spewing out words. I feel like not once did I maybe try to be empathetic or really give him a chance to want to be vocal with me  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, abstr4ct said:

  I decided to break up. And all he said was “I understand”. He didn’t fight for me, he didn’t try to convince me to stay. 

Sorry to hear that. When you dump someone,expect them to leave,not "fight for you".

Dumping someone is not a tool to change them into what you want. It's cruel and manipulative.

It may be best to apply less social media memes and platitudes to your view of relationships.

It sounds like the relationship ran it's course and you were simply first in pulling the plug.

[ExpatInItaly]

Fighting for someone who has just dumped you is such a flawed concept. 

Break-ups are the dumpees indication that you no longer want to be with them. Yes, some freak out and beg for another chance, but many don't. Why? Well, why would they? Their dumpers made it clear that they don't wish to continue the relationship. 

It sounds like you were not ultimately compatible with this guy, but you were having a hard time actually accepting it and kept hoping he would change. This is who he is. He's not as expressive as you, and your emotional needs are different. As others have already pointed out, you can't expect a boyfriend to know what those needs are, either. It's silly to think that "the right one" just knows this; they don't, unless you're good at communicating those needs. And if you do so and they aren't meeting you halfway, that's your sign that you're not a good fit. 

At the end of the day, I don't think getting back together would be a good idea or somehow better the second time around. You're quite different people with different expectations of a relationship. It doesn't really work long-term. 

[d0nnivain]

You may have been in relationships since you were 13 but your understanding of them does not appear to have matured since middle school.  

1.  You must teach people how to treat you.  If you have expectations about how the relationship should look you must speak up.  Expecting somebody to read your mind & just know what you want is an unfair, manipulate s***-test.  

2.  NC is not about getting somebody back.  It's about you healing & not debasing yourself by chasing after somebody who no longer wants you.  To try to use NC to get them to come back is game playing manipulation.   Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.  It's out of sight, out of mind. 

3.  You need TIME between relationships to heal, to digest & to learn.  Monkey branching gives you no time to reflect. 

4.  Once a beak up happens, you can communicate to address logistic like getting your stuff back, but the be done.  There is no need to prolong this. 

5.  The time to fight to save the relationship is before it ends.  

6.   Learn that not everybody is verbal.  Some people show their love back actions.  If your love language is words, recognize that in yourself & seek out somebody who speaks your language rather than minimizing the efforts the person is making in their language.  

[abstr4ct]

14 hours ago, abstr4ct said:

So to start off, I seem to have a problem with prolonging break ups. I’ve been in relationships practically since I was 13, dated my first love for almost 5 years and learned about “toxicity”. While I was 18 he broke up with me and within a day was with someone already new (they’re still together). About 3 months or so pass and I meet my second love, who I thought was my “breath of fresh air”Dated for almost 2 years with a break up in the middle and where I first incorporated NC and it worked until we got back together and finally he broke up with me and surprise surprise he also was with someone else no later afterwards (they’re also still together.) 

which now brings me to my recent breakup, my third love, who after a few months of my second relationship, he came out of nowhere and funnily enough I used to have a crush on back in high school. We officially met after I invited him to a party where we had some mutual friends and after a few weeks of texting back and forth, seemingly without running out of things to say, we finally had our first date. And from then on we were sort of inseparable. But then school started up again and our work schedules were a little conflicting at times but we managed to make it work.
  As far as his relationship past went, he had a puppy love relationship the last 2 years of high school and then a 3 month relationship in college. So then, opposed to my previous relationships, where I felt very codependent and was constantly with my partner, this relationship was a lot different. Although I’m very extroverted at times and he’s introverted, we became very in sync and balanced each other out, we were best friends. He had also told me that he started listening to country again because of me and that he’d find himself singing out loud in the car and I’d laugh because personally I never really liked country, I tolerated it but never went out of my way. He was good with always remembering little details about me and he showed his love through acts of services for sure. But he also was still very reserved and had an avoidant attachment style while I was the complete opposite. 

I should’ve picked up on little things that later on would become significant, like his lack of proper communication and not being as emotionally available as I was. We didn’t tell each other we loved each other until three months in but as far as expressing himself, he couldn’t find his words. I remember telling him that I would not teach him how to treat me or how to be my boyfriend and we almost broke up, he wrote me a three page essay almost expressing himself and I thought of how proud I was of him because in his previous relationships he never really got through communicating. But sadly, it was a one time thing and the whole time I would express myself or try to communicate after some inconveniences, he’d only stay quiet, and when I’d ask him for his feedback or what he thought he’d always say “I don’t know what to say”, so for the longest time it felt like I was alone in the relationship.

 I then felt conflicted because everyone always talks about how “the right person will come into your life and know exactly what to do”. So when it felt like I was constantly putting in effort, seeking him out and only being the one attempting to make plans to see each other, I decided to break up. And all he said was “I understand”. He didn’t fight for me, he didn’t try to convince me to stay. He agreed that I deserved better and he recognized that he wasn’t being consistent because he already wasn’t as consistent with himself as he wished he was. And I was stunned because if I deserved better, why couldn’t he do better for me?
 

And so how does that “right” person come to know? I felt like someone had to have taught them. And as humans we are bound to adapt and learn, so I thought about how relationships take work and effort and even we can’t form a habit in 21 days, in reality it take way longer than that.
 

So I decided that maybe breaking up wasn’t it and we needed actual solutions and he had already acknowledged his inconsistency but we all have our own problems and recognizing is the first step and I’ve always said that love starts off as a feeling but then it becomes a choice, and I decided to choose him. And I was hopeful and I was optimistic and I wrote down all of these new ideas and solutions that would help our situation and could help us get on track including what I needed to work on myself. 

However, it didn’t go as planned, I gave him my speech, my ideas, and then asked him what he thought were our weaknesses and strengths and asked him if he was willingly to move forward and he said “I don’t know.” Then it went to “maybe I want to be single and focus on myself.” And that’s when it hit me that no matter what, no matter if I had done everything I could, if he didn’t want to, this wasn’t happening. 

As I mentioned, I prolong my breakups and we had broken up 2 weeks ago and this was all in that span, I kept reaching out, even wrote him a breakup letter and today we saw each other one last time, hooked up one last time and I finally asked him to block me because I needed that push to not fall into that cycle anymore. However, I did leave him with the words that if he woke up one day soon and realized that it is me, to not wait until it’s too late to do something about it because there could come a day where I am no longer an option. 

Now I willingly listen to country music and realize what he meant, too bad the only ones resonating with me right now are the ones of lost love. 
  
 

This is my first time opening up in a site rather than going to friends or family and honestly I like this a lot better. I feel like when we vent to friend or family, undeniably they’re going to be biased because a lot of the time you won't even notice if you are trying to tell the story in a way that validates your actions, or tell it in a way that validates your desire to stay with them. 
 

I’m super appreciative with the insight I’ve received and from that I decided to write him an apology letter and ultimately leaving the ball in his court where he won’t feel pressured nor having to feel like we have to jump right in as if nothing happened. With the inclusion of how I now realize how manipulative breaking up with someone like that can be and even if that wasn’t my intention, it portrayed itself that way and that’s something I need to work on. How to handle things better and to take time to think before taking action, impulsivity isn’t always the best when it comes from acting out on negative emotions. 
 

from this update, if anyone else has any other advice now moving forward, I’d really appreciate it! 

[d0nnivain]

Keep the apology letter short.  The long rambling ones are cringe worthy. 

[abstr4ct]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Keep the apology letter short.  The long rambling ones are cringe worthy. 

Uh oh, what if it wasn’t short, too late to salvage that now lol. I also need to work on knowing when certain things are better left unsaid, but I’m glad to be receiving more feedback so I can learn from this!!

[trident_2020]

16 hours ago, abstr4ct said:

However, it didn’t go as planned, I gave him my speech, my ideas, and then asked him what he thought were our weaknesses and strengths and asked him if he was willingly to move forward and he said “I don’t know.” Then it went to “maybe I want to be single and focus on myself. 

  
 

If that was me, with one foot out the door, having to listen to your speech would have caused me to immediately move my other foot out the door. He was probably in agony the entire time.

That speech was the worst thing you could have possibly done.

[abstr4ct]

5 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

If that was me, with one foot out the door, having to listen to your speech would have caused me to immediately move my other foot out the door. He was probably in agony the entire time.

That speech was the worst thing you could have possibly done.

Yeah looking back at it, I agree with you completely 

[lana-banana]

There's a lot going on here, but to sum up: 1) you demonstrate how you want to be treated; 2) when someone wants to walk out of your life, let them; and 3) never ever ever do long letters. Don't do any letters at all. When it's done it's done, and if you ever reconsider you can send a brief message asking to meet up.

This guy was already long gone by the time you officially pulled the trigger, and every contact after the break-up pushed him even further away. But don't be too hard on yourself here---you would not have been able to change his mind regardless. You're so young! We live and learn.

Edited March 24, 2021 by lana-banana

[Alpacalia]

Maybe you wanted him to "fight for you" because you felt unsatisfied in the relationship.

That's why you ended the relationship after all.

It's typically not advisable to reconcile with an ex. You have to be mindful of the reason it ended in the first place.