Problematic secret

[Lu02]

So I've been dating this boy for more than a year now, it's a long distance relationship. I really do love him. But here is my problem : In the beginning of this year i saw so many tiktoks about girls talking about how easy making money by working in findom is. I didn't really take it seriously and created a Twitter account and would post things like insulting tweets or foot pictures, that's what the post said u should do and it said that dudes would just start sending money. But that's not how it went. So many started sliding into my dms. I did reply to some and they wanted me to insult them or one of them wanted me to send pictures of my feet in shoes. I didn't really think anything of it in the beginning and just did it. I got like 30$ in total. But after s little i realized gow gross it is and that this is not something i should keep from my boyfriend. I deleted the account and everything that had to do with it, i started feeling so shitty about it. Now i feel guilty about not telling him, i don't know how to and I'm scared of him leaving me. He is the only one i want and I'd be lost without him. I hope someone here van help me with this, i never told anyone before.

[BaileyB]

Is there any way that he could discover your previous online activities? Honestly, that’s the only reason why I’d want to tell him... to get in front of it if he was going to learn it another way. 

[Lu02]

I doubt anyone could find it, i didn't use my real name or email and deleted everything. I didn't even mean to slip into this i started it cuz of a dumb tiktok and now feel guilty.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Lu02 said:

so many tiktoks about girls talking about how easy making money by working in findom is. 

Don't tell him, but reflect why this was appealing to you.

[Lu02]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't tell him, but reflect why this was appealing to you.

This was not appealing to me, it grossed me out

[heavenonearth]

I dont think this is a big deal, but everyone has different "deal breakers". I know my boyfriend would not mind if I do something like his, even though I know I would never want to personally, because it doesn't float my boat. If I were you, I would just leave it behind me and not tell him. It is not really a problematic secret. It is not a betrayal and it is not something that should (!) jeopardize a realtionship. So just leave it behind you, you are not lying to him, you are just not telling him something bc it is not a big deal! Really!

[Keridan]

15 minutes ago, heavenonearth said:

I dont think this is a big deal, but everyone has different "deal breakers". I know my boyfriend would not mind if I do something like his, even though I know I would never want to personally, because it doesn't float my boat. If I were you, I would just leave it behind me and not tell him. It is not really a problematic secret. It is not a betrayal and it is not something that should (!) jeopardize a realtionship. So just leave it behind you, you are not lying to him, you are just not telling him something bc it is not a big deal! Really!

Would you want to know if he did something similar? If so, just throw it out there and explain it.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, Lu02 said:

This was not appealing to me, it grossed me out

Why did you do it then? It certainly wasn’t for the money. 

[Lu02]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Why did you do it then? It certainly wasn’t for the money. 

I saw so many videos telling me to and i just didn't think anything of it and did it, i thought maybe I'd get a bit of extra money since I'm still in school and don't have a job but i didn't expect that i actually had to text with them. 

[Lu02]

4 hours ago, Keridan said:

Would you want to know if he did something similar? If so, just throw it out there and explain it.

Honestly i want no one to know about this, this is just not me and i wish i could forget all about it. I don't want this part of my life to exist.

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, Lu02 said:

i wish i could forget all about it.

Why can you not just forget about it? People make mistakes everyday, why are you not just able to say “that was a mistake, moving on now...”

Honestly, unless there is more that you are not telling us, I would let it go and focus on making better choices for yourself in the future. 

[Lu02]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Why can you not just forget about it? People make mistakes everyday, why are you not just able to say “that was a mistake, moving on now...”

Honestly, unless there is more that you are not telling us, I would let it go and focus on making better choices for yourself in the future. 

I'll try to. It's just that this is my first long relationship, i really care about him and i don't want to lose him. I'll be careful and not get into s*** like this again. I'll also delete this account tomorrow probably. But thank you for helping me make a decision.

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Lu02 said:

It's just that this is my first long relationship, i really care about him

The learning here is, if you are in a relationship with a man that you care about you don’t do things that would be hurtful to the other person, thus risking the relationship. This includes sexting with other men. 

[Lu02]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The learning here is, if you are in a relationship with a man that you care about you don’t do things that would be hurtful to the other person, thus risking the relationship. This includes sexting with other men. 

I didn't sext them, i insulted them since that's what they were into. It's a kind of fetish i think. I also don't want to sext with anyone besides my boyfriend. But the guys i insulted got more and more gross and wanted more. That's when i realized that it is not just tweeting and texting and deleted everything. This is wrong and i know now. I don't want to talk to anyone i know irl about it since this is really not like me, i myself can't believe i did this. I hope i can move on and not feel awful 24/7 about it. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Lu02 said:

I didn't sext them, i insulted them since that's what they were into.

It is absolutely a fetish thing. Your insults resulted in sexual gratification for the men. 
That, in my book, is sexting. If you did this with your partner, and he found sexual gratification in the act, it would definitely be sexting (whatever form of communication you chose to use - phone, text, video chat).

Given, you didn’t get pleasure from the situation. You were not physically or emotionally involved with these men. 
But, you did accept money... which, in my personal opinion, is worse. I’m sorry to be blunt, but I think I would rather my partner have an affair than act like a prostitute. 

Usually, guilt and shame are felt when we know that we have done wrong. The fact that you don’t want to tell anyone tells me that you feel shame. The fact that you don’t want to tell your partner,and rightfully so, means that you feel guilt and shame. 

Not saying you need to bare your soul to your boyfriend and fess up... The level of insult here is not worth the risk of losing the relationship, in my humble opinion. Assuming, of course, that you are not going to do it again.

But yes, for a woman in a relationship that you say is important to you - this was not a good decision. Time to practice forgiveness and don’t do it again. You make amends to your partner by being the best girlfriend you can be! Good luck. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lu02 said:

 deleted everything.

Excellent. Now bury it. You made a brief anonymous mistake and now it's over. Do not tell anyone. Once you tell someone anything you completely lose control of that information.

[Keridan]

8 hours ago, Lu02 said:

Honestly i want no one to know about this, this is just not me and i wish i could forget all about it. I don't want this part of my life to exist.

But it happened and you love him. Im embrassed about all kinds of s*** I've done, but I don't hide any of it.

[lana-banana]

I honestly don't see a need to tell him or anyone about this. You sent some pictures and texts, got like $30, and quickly decided it wasn't for you. So what? My advice is to try to forget about it for your own sake.

I don't agree with the comments trying to shame you or make it a big deal. When a college roommate was making $200 a week simply selling her used underwear to creeps (that she never saw or spoke to outside a single email she used for exactly that purpose), you'd better believe I considered it. There is a lot of easy money to be made off of certain folks and when you're young it's really appealing. If it's not for you, that's okay too. But this is not some earthshattering or character-defining moment. Just let it go.

[Mrin]

Not a big deal. Don't stress about it. Forget and move on. 

[Lu02]

16 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It is absolutely a fetish thing. Your insults resulted in sexual gratification for the men. 
That, in my book, is sexting. If you did this with your partner, and he found sexual gratification in the act, it would definitely be sexting (whatever form of communication you chose to use - phone, text, video chat).

Given, you didn’t get pleasure from the situation. You were not physically or emotionally involved with these men. 
But, you did accept money... which, in my personal opinion, is worse. I’m sorry to be blunt, but I think I would rather my partner have an affair than act like a prostitute. 

Usually, guilt and shame are felt when we know that we have done wrong. The fact that you don’t want to tell anyone tells me that you feel shame. The fact that you don’t want to tell your partner,and rightfully so, means that you feel guilt and shame. 

Not saying you need to bare your soul to your boyfriend and fess up... The level of insult here is not worth the risk of losing the relationship, in my humble opinion. Assuming, of course, that you are not going to do it again.

But yes, for a woman in a relationship that you say is important to you - this was not a good decision. Time to practice forgiveness and don’t do it again. You make amends to your partner by being the best girlfriend you can be! Good luck. 

I am not a prostitute. I sold pictures of my feet in shoes and insulted someone. I never once had any sexual desire or sent nudes or revealing pictures to anyone besides my boyfriend. How can you say that you'd rather have your husband have sex and an emotional relationship with someone else? Yes i do feel guilt because i realized that the men have bad intentions but I'm far from being a prostitute and saying you'd rather have your partner have an affair is just unreasonable. I'm aware that i shouldn't have done this but there is no need for you to be this rude now.