The Ups and Downs of my life after infidelity

[MaraMay]

So it's been awhile since I last posted here... telling the story of my husband cheating and leaving me and our family for a teenage girl. 
DDay was September 2020 and we are on our way to divorce and I can't wait to finally be free of being his wife and carrying his last name.

He's still with the 17-year-old girl and living THE LIFE. I don't talk to him. Only if it's about our nearly 3-year-old. He picks him up every second weekend and my father hands him over. 

Last weekend was the first time he had his girlfriend with him for pick-up. She got out of the car with a big smile on her face and wanted to introduce herself to my father. Thank god I wasn't there for that... I don't know what I would have done. 

Most of the time I'm happy. I feel free. I'm not bound to working in his company for the rest of my life, his constant money issues, his arrogant talking and a hundred different things that I oversaw during our marriage cause I loved him.

But there are moments where I'm lost. Where I miss him and our life. Where I just want to go back and try to do things differently so I don't have to raise my baby boy in a broken family. 
The questions why he did what he did are constantly on the surface. Wondering if I could have done anything to prevent this. 
Has he always been like that and I just didn't see it? 
He made me believe he loved me till the very second I found out about the affaire. The minute I found out he let his mask slip and hated me with a passion I have never seen before. 

I think a lot about my little boy. How will he grow up. What do I tell him if one day he asks why we're not together anymore. Why his father's girlfriend is more important than him. (My husband changed weekends with me, so he could celebrate his girlfriend's 18th birthday without having to watch his son. Switching weekends let's me have our child on his birthday. My husband knows that and didn't care.)

What he did broke something in me. I can feel it. There's this sadness in me.. this constant nagging if someone is telling the truth or just using me.

Anyone here going through the same? Or did anyone go trough this and has survived... living a good life and "just not caring anymore"? 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, MaraMay said:

My husband changed weekends with me, so he could celebrate his girlfriend's 18th birthday

I’m sorry, this made me laugh out loud only because, it is almost incredulous. It’s really sad. 

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, but glad that you are well on your path to a better future. I think it’s only natural to miss the life you had together so I would just sit with those thought and feelings, knowing they will pass. Your son will be fine because he has a wise and supportive mother to guide his way... It will get better with time. Best wishes. 

[HappilyMarried]

So sorry to hear things have not changed and that you are in the process of divorce @MaraMay. I do have a question. In your thread about your husband's infidelity your last post you said "I met someone. It wasn't my intention and I don't even know where this is going, but I like him. We've been on some dates and I'm overwhelmed." Do you have any update on this guy you had started dating some? Best of luck!

[MaraMay]

4 hours ago, HappilyMarried said:

So sorry to hear things have not changed and that you are in the process of divorce @MaraMay. I do have a question. In your thread about your husband's infidelity your last post you said "I met someone. It wasn't my intention and I don't even know where this is going, but I like him. We've been on some dates and I'm overwhelmed." Do you have any update on this guy you had started dating some? Best of luck!

Actually yes... I have an update about the “new guy”. ☺️
We are in a relationship. He’s a great man and makes me happy. He already met my child and they get along well. He takes his time to play with him. The relationship with him is a great difference to my husband though... with him it was all “sparks and soulmate... living the life”. Just like he does with the OW now. Actually he’s doing the exact same things to impress her.

The new man in my life is just that... a grown up man. It’s more real. More ordinary life (but in a good way).

Despite that I’m still cautious. I carefully watch for red flags... I stay as independent as I can. I never want to feel this dependent on anyone again. 
He’s by my side and really understanding with all of the things that are going on. I’ll see were it takes me...

[NYAG]

11 hours ago, MaraMay said:

So it's been awhile since I last posted here... telling the story of my husband cheating and leaving me and our family for a teenage girl. 
DDay was September 2020 and we are on our way to divorce and I can't wait to finally be free of being his wife and carrying his last name.

He's still with the 17-year-old girl and living THE LIFE. I don't talk to him. Only if it's about our nearly 3-year-old. He picks him up every second weekend and my father hands him over. 

Last weekend was the first time he had his girlfriend with him for pick-up. She got out of the car with a big smile on her face and wanted to introduce herself to my father. Thank god I wasn't there for that... I don't know what I would have done. 

Most of the time I'm happy. I feel free. I'm not bound to working in his company for the rest of my life, his constant money issues, his arrogant talking and a hundred different things that I oversaw during our marriage cause I loved him.

But there are moments where I'm lost. Where I miss him and our life. Where I just want to go back and try to do things differently so I don't have to raise my baby boy in a broken family. 
The questions why he did what he did are constantly on the surface. Wondering if I could have done anything to prevent this. 
Has he always been like that and I just didn't see it? 
He made me believe he loved me till the very second I found out about the affaire. The minute I found out he let his mask slip and hated me with a passion I have never seen before. 

I think a lot about my little boy. How will he grow up. What do I tell him if one day he asks why we're not together anymore. Why his father's girlfriend is more important than him. (My husband changed weekends with me, so he could celebrate his girlfriend's 18th birthday without having to watch his son. Switching weekends let's me have our child on his birthday. My husband knows that and didn't care.)

What he did broke something in me. I can feel it. There's this sadness in me.. this constant nagging if someone is telling the truth or just using me.

Anyone here going through the same? Or did anyone go trough this and has survived... living a good life and "just not caring anymore"? 

It seems like what you miss is the routine, that there was another person in your life creating that structure. It's probably not actually him. Sounds like the teen girlfriend now has the s*** end of the stick in that respect. Let her deal with his arrogance, money issues and other irritations that you no longer have to swallow because that's what you do. It'll come out eventually. She'll change, 17 year olds always do. You no longer have that obligation of putting up with his bad side. It's one of those 'dodged a bullet moments' but of course you are never truly rid of him because of your child so he will always be lurking like a shadow in the background.

Moving on takes time. The healing will take time because you never really get to turn your back on that old life and start anew. Be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong. And it sounds like long term you will be the winner. His new life sounds fragile and he doesn't sound like a decent person anyway. It's not much consolation, but to outsiders like me, it is a light.

[MaraMay]

4 minutes ago, NYAG said:

It seems like what you miss is the routine, that there was another person in your life creating that structure. It's probably not actually him. Sounds like the teen girlfriend now has the s*** end of the stick in that respect. Let her deal with his arrogance, money issues and other irritations that you no longer have to swallow because that's what you do. It'll come out eventually. She'll change, 17 year olds always do. You no longer have that obligation of putting up with his bad side. It's one of those 'dodged a bullet moments' but of course you are never truly rid of him because of your child so he will always be lurking like a shadow in the background.

Moving on takes time. The healing will take time because you never really get to turn your back on that old life and start anew. Be kind to yourself, you did nothing wrong. And it sounds like long term you will be the winner. His new life sounds fragile and he doesn't sound like a decent person anyway. It's not much consolation, but to outsiders like me, it is a light.

Hearing something like that... from someone "on the outside" helps me a great deal actually. It shows that people who are not involved, also see what my friends and family see... that he's a horrible person and all of the things he's saying about me are not true. Thank you 

[notbroken]

This is all still very new for you.  Honestly, you are too fixated on him.   Yes, he's with a 17-18 year old.  Yes, he has money troubles and sounds like a jerk.  But it doesn't really matter.  You can't control him or his actions.  What you can control are your actions.  Move forward the best you can making a good life for you and your son.   If you work with your ex, find another job.  Go as no contact with your ex as you possibly can.   Only discuss your son with him and even then only if it is absolutely necessary (it usually isn't).  Analyze any mistakes you made, learn from them, and forgive yourself as soon as possible.  Don't dwell on them.  Be nice to yourself.  The world can be hard on you during a divorce so at least be nice to yourself.  Smile.  Make it a point to be nice to people.   These things will help you.    Take it VERY slow with your new boyfriend.  Glacier slow.  Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/24/2021 at 6:07 PM, MaraMay said:

He's still with the 17-year-old girl 

Take a moment to stare the sky and thank the heavens for the blessing of getting rid of him

[Marc878]

You didn’t lose much.

You are smart with no contact.

Never open or crack that door.

Nostalgia is a funny thing. You tend to see things that aren’t/weren’t  real.

[Starswillshine]

Hey MaraMay!

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. You are still relatively close from the fall out from D-Day. All I can tell you is that it takes some time. My ex-husband had affairs. DDay for me was in 2016. It took me a fully 18 months to truly let go of my failed marriage. I remember in the early days thinking I was always going to feel bitter. But at some point, I moved away from that. My ex-husband is pretty wealthy. He takes vacations at least once a month. He is traveling all over the world, having fun, enjoying life. While I am at home, taking care of our children, going back to school to get my degree, living on no sleep, vacation? What's a vacation? It would be easy for me to stay bitter. But instead, I am happy. I am happy to not be a part of him and his life. I happy that I no longer have to constantly stroke his ego (sounds like yours was like this as well). I do not have to put up with him at all. I hate what he has done to his kids, and I hate that my older kids know who he really is. And I hate that one day, my younger kids will see through his "best dad ever" facade and realized he never took them on trips, he was always "too busy" to get them on time. He never used his nights that he was allowed weekly for dinners. He never called them. He came in on his weekends, did things he thought was fun, and brag about being so amazing. It saddens me that one day they will recognize it, and that it will hurt them. 

I struggle with trust. I am in a happy relationship, but my boyfriend pays the price of what my ex=husband did. I am getting much better, but it is still hard. You will get there. Just keep remembering all those things you no longer have to put up with. Also realize the person he truly is. A 30 year old making out with a 17 year old is quite sick/pedoish.

[MaraMay]

On 3/30/2021 at 11:03 PM, Resolute101 said:

 

Something about your pre-affair demeanour and conduct must have agitated him & made him extremely resentful.

....

My wife uses her femininity to keep me infatuated with her alluring demeanour -  she gives me a coy smile and acknowledges that THIS BOOK, gives her the “upper hand” in our marriage. 

My suggestion is to read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Laura Schlessinger, so that any chance of repeated mistakes in your next relationship will me ameliorated.

I had to think about your post a lot... and what I’d like to say is: my ex is a narcissist. Three different psychological counselors came to this conclusion. 
 

I know exactly what made him resentful. It was me knowing he’s not the cool businessman that he likes to be. It was me knowing about his huge depts, me keeping my money together and being more successful in my job. 
And I could tell you a thousand different things but everything concludes in one thing: it’s him having a problem with himself... and certainly not something I could have changed. 
 

Thank you for your suggestion, but I think I did more than enough to make this man happy. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi MaraMay, having read your OP and your responses to what others have had to say has indicated that a). You are obviously still hurting a lot from your soon to be ex husband's deplorable actions and b). You still have residual feelings for him inspite of the way he treated you.

I guess both your reactions are quite natural and justifiable. Basically, you are grieving the demise of your marriage, which, with all it's drawbacks and heartaches was something that you cherished and nurtured at your end. If, as you say, your husband was diagnosed by different psychiatrists as being a narcissist, then there was very little you could do to save him from himself. Sadly, he is a sick man and needs psychiatric treatment to regain a normal psyche where he can be a safe and reliable partner. The best that you can do in this situation is to forgive him for his transgressions for he is ignorant of what is wrong with him and is unable and unwilling to seek help for himself. By forgiving him you will, in a way, forgive yourself and get rid of any feelings of guilt or responsibility for the breakup of your marriage.

I do not know your back story but you have summed it up in a nutshell in your OP and subsequent posts. What I do not know is how old you and your stbx husband are, how long you knew each other before marriage and how long you were married. I am guessing both of you are pretty young since your child is only three years old so if I am correct, you have a lot to look forward to in the future. What I wanted to say was that there must have been something, some qualities in your stbx husband which drew you to him and which you found appealing. This is why you fell in love with him in the first place. I would suggest that you think of those aspects of your stbx to cheer you up in deciding that you made the right decision to fall in love with him instead of beating yourself up thinking you made a big mistake by marrying him and ruining your life. Think of the pluses in your life with him, smile about them and do not let yourself become bitter. He will always be a part of your life as your child grows up, graduates from college, makes a career for himself, gets married, and has your and your stbx's grand children. You had best have s good working relationship with him and if you can project a happy and cheerful countenance in dealing with him, he is the one who will be full of regrets at having lost you. Lastly, I would urge you to go very slow, as others have said in establishing a new relationship. Give it time as rebound relationships have a high failure rate. Also, please do due diligence in selecting a new partner. As they say " Once bitten twice shy"! Warm regards.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Just a Guy
Correction of typing errors.

[primer]

Your ex-husband is not the man you thought he was. When he was with you, he was trying to be someone he is not. Like you said, the mask fell off. He is a counterfeit.

Are you mad at yourself for not seeing this? That was my problem. 

[Irock]

Wow.. like reading my own life in words.... I was living in what I called ( fantasy land)... Blissfully unaware.. until I became aware... Suddenly. .... I was the worst person in the world.. I got treated like garbage.. ignored...he refused to own it.. I was informed of his (friend) by his co-worker who thought I was awesome and didn't deserve not to know.... I was given her # and called her first.... I was the bad one... News to me??? Narcissist... Coward... Doesn't describe 

Edited April 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[MaraMay]

On 4/2/2021 at 4:43 PM, primer said:

Your ex-husband is not the man you thought he was. When he was with you, he was trying to be someone he is not. Like you said, the mask fell off. He is a counterfeit.

Are you mad at yourself for not seeing this? That was my problem. 

Sometimes I'm mad that I should have seen all those red flags (that looking back were certainly there). People are telling me KNOW that he's never been faithful, that I'm the fifth woman he's cheated on. I didn't know any of this. He always told me he was the one who had been cheated on. 

But most times I'm just mad, that I can't get him out of our lifes. Picking up our son every second weekend... which he is only doing, cause his mother wants to see the boy. Others than those two days he doesn't call or ask about his wellbeing. He'd rather celebrate the girls 18th birthday than having his child with him on his 3rd birthday. He didn't want him on Easter either... while our boy is asking why daddy left and doesn't want to see him. 

He's breaking his little heart and that is why I'm MAD.

[Daliah]

12 hours ago, MaraMay said:

Sometimes I'm mad that I should have seen all those red flags (that looking back were certainly there). People are telling me KNOW that he's never been faithful, that I'm the fifth woman he's cheated on. I didn't know any of this. He always told me he was the one who had been cheated on. 

But most times I'm just mad, that I can't get him out of our lifes. Picking up our son every second weekend... which he is only doing, cause his mother wants to see the boy. Others than those two days he doesn't call or ask about his wellbeing. He'd rather celebrate the girls 18th birthday than having his child with him on his 3rd birthday. He didn't want him on Easter either... while our boy is asking why daddy left and doesn't want to see him. 

He's breaking his little heart and that is why I'm MAD.

and I don’t blame you....my ex husband was a W⚓️ too,, and my son was the same age...I told my boy that just because he helped me make you my son, doesn’t make him a Father...no matter what happens I will always be on your side... now he has a Dad he’s proud of because the one who donated the necessary to make him certainly didn’t make him proud.  Be honest with your boy when he’s old enough, and he’ll see the waste of space his sperm donor is for himself.... 

[Stupidkupid]

On 3/26/2021 at 9:42 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Take a moment to stare the sky and thank the heavens for the blessing of getting rid of him

Quite. This.

I just caught up on this whole thing and there is something very wrong with adults wanted to be with teenagers.

Its not normal and hes done you a massive favour by showing you the way he is before you spend 30 years with him.

 

I hope you're doing okay OP