Is this cheating

[Keridan]

Just now, Kayla9999 said:

@Keridanthank you, that was hard to read but I appreciate your thoughts.

I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but it's something that has to be addressed. You need trust for a healthy marriage. You deserve to know if you can believe he is not going to hurt you.

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Kayla9999 said:

@d0nnivainwe did talk. Well, I blew up and he eventually after about an hour of saying it wasn’t a big deal and all men do that acknowledged that he would be hurt if I did it and that he was angry with himself. It still hurts. I’m still not sure if the only way to get through this is time and talk. 

The problem is that now you turn into the fidelity police...
 How can you now make sure he is not up to his old tricks as soon as he gets back to gaming and after you have calmed down?

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, Kayla9999 said:

@d0nnivainwe did talk. Well, I blew up and he eventually after about an hour of saying it wasn’t a big deal and all men do that acknowledged that he would be hurt if I did it and that he was angry with himself. It still hurts. I’m still not sure if the only way to get through this is time and talk. 

I don't know of another remedy besides the behavior stopping, time & talk.  

[Gaeta]

No, not all men do that. Do not let him minimize what he did. He needs to fix this with actions like giving you his pass code, de-activating his chat options on his games for women gamers. 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

and tell him he's going to spend his time doing quality time with you rather than gaming...get reconnected.

And yes, absolutely do that. 

[NYAG]

4 hours ago, Kayla9999 said:

I laughed at him when he told me they were ugly and he stopped. And asked him what he would have done if they were hot and he just kept saying it’s not a big deal, all men do that. So now I’m just wondering what else I don’t know about. It was just by chance that I saw his phone light up and “besos” was on the screen and then I literally guessed his password. The thing about it is, my husband is EXTREMELY jealous and will give me weeks of silent treatment if I wear like a dress that’s too short.

Jealous men are insecure. And maybe he's insecure because of what he gets up to.

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

The problem is that now you turn into the fidelity police...
 How can you now make sure he is not up to his old tricks as soon as he gets back to gaming and after you have calmed down?

This is the problem. I have been cheated on several times and as soon as you spot it, you stop trusting and your whole life becomes consumed by finding evidence that they are doing it.

[mark clemson]

There tends to be an inflection point: either he'll really want you or he'll be willing to walk away. My hunch is that he won't want to lose you. So, I think you don't need to worry about that.

What you do need to worry about is whether you want him anymore. That will take some sorting through.

Plenty of people flirt lightly and nothing comes of it. This may be what was going on essentially. However, since he's making overt sexual suggestions, I think maybe he IS looking to take it further. How far away to these online gaming girls live?

With flirting and EAs, it's usually a grey area and partly a judgment call by the spouse whether it constitutes "actual" cheating. I think for many THIS would since these are specific women he's contacting and he's asking e.g. for them to send him dirty pics. And yes the insecurity about you is, in his case, a tip-off as well.

Perhaps he "got carried away with it" but that's giving him more of the benefit of a doubt than he probably should get at this point.

[NYAG]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

There tends to be an inflection point: either he'll really want you or he'll be willing to walk away. My hunch is that he won't want to lose you. So, I think you don't need to worry about that.

What you do need to worry about is whether you want him anymore. That will take some sorting through.

Plenty of people flirt lightly and nothing comes of it. This may be what was going on essentially. However, since he's making overt sexual suggestions, I think maybe he IS looking to take it further. How far away to these online gaming girls live?

With flirting and EAs, it's usually a grey area and partly a judgment call by the spouse whether it constitutes "actual" cheating. I think for many THIS would since these are specific women he's contacting and he's asking e.g. for them to send him dirty pics. And yes the insecurity about you is, in his case, a tip-off as well.

Perhaps he "got carried away with it" but that's giving him more of the benefit of a doubt than he probably should get at this point.

I agree and it's showing a side of his personality that isn't an asset and isn't something the OP knew existed. So that's a big bubble burster. I think it's gone beyond light flirting. These girls are probably in different countries, but what if the next one is two miles away? He's shown his intention. At the very least, he's shown he is a risk. Cut the wires on his gaming equipment. Let's see how he reacts then.

[Cookiesandough]

Your husband’s a cheater , IMO 

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, NYAG said:

I think it's gone beyond light flirting. These girls are probably in different countries, but what if the next one is two miles away? He's shown his intention. At the very least, he's shown he is a risk.

I agree, both points.

 

8 hours ago, NYAG said:

 Cut the wires on his gaming equipment. Let's see how he reacts then.

THAT is a bit of a different story. Insisting he not sext other women is a (IMO) completely reasonable ask. Saying he can't game is forbidding what is presumably one of his favorite pastimes. He might be willing to give it up to keep her, but I don't think that's actually reasonable. If he does it's on him in a way, but IMO BOTH of them are fools since this will engender resentment LT. Maybe take a bit of a break.

Unfortunately this leaves you stuck in the situation of "monitoring" OP. You'll need to keep half an eye on his phone, his in-game texts, etc. Not sure if that's the kind of marriage you want to be in - that's something you'll have to consider.

Ultimately IMO "monitoring" appears to be necessary for a BS (which is what you feel you are, which is mostly what counts) to start to feel emotionally secure again. The flip side of this is that IF the spouse isn't fully sincere in ending this sort of behavior, they will always figure out a way. It's a fool's game to try to "control" a spouse who really wants to stray.

So IMO unfortunately you have some thinking to do OP about whether you feel you can trust him to stop, etc.

 

Edited March 26, 2021 by mark clemson

[Kayla9999]

Thank you alll!!!! Here is the update****
he came home yesterday after I had sent him pictures of some women that I saw on his phone. They were gamer profile pictures he had saved, not nudes. He arrived with flowers and wanted to talk, I did not. He explained to me how he felt and I him, essentially he said he f***ed up royally, was a complete idiot, and told me he would get rid of the game if I wanted. I asked about the pictures and why he saved them and he said he saved all the profile pictures of everyone he played with (I verified he did have profile pictures of male players as well saved) and that yes, he did reach out to these women for attention. To him, I am always getting hit on and am always the center of attention and he felt he wanted attention from someone else and didn’t feel like it was wrong at the time because the women were in other countries. He says he understands know how upset I am and will do whatever it takes to rebuild my trust in him. He swears it will never happen again and that it was never going to go further than searching for compliments. I told him I’m not sure I believe him and need time to process. We set some new boundaries involving him not playing with female players for the time being and him working on less control on me and more understanding that I do not go seeking compliments/attention and that is the primary difference in the actions. 

[trident_2020]

He gives you the silent treatment for weeks because you wear a dress that he thinks is too short?

That's really messed up.

[Kayla9999]

@trident_2020 I’ve always felt like it was strange to be punished with silent treatment for it. He seems to think I’m showing off and trying to get attention.

[Gaeta]

It's all nice Kayla but the real proof will be in his actions coming forward. 

Don't be the type of woman he can buy with flowers. You want sincere change. 

[trident_2020]

7 hours ago, Kayla9999 said:

@trident_2020 I’ve always felt like it was strange to be punished with silent treatment for it. He seems to think I’m showing off and trying to get attention.

Strange? It's abusive, manipulative and childish. I don't know about strange.

[Marc878]

Gaming? Is he 14?

[elaine567]

12 hours ago, Kayla9999 said:

To him, I am always getting hit on and am always the center of attention and he felt he wanted attention from someone else and didn’t feel like it was wrong at the time

So basically it is all your fault... thought it might be...
Do not accept any of this BS.

[elaine567]

Do you have any kids?

[Kayla9999]

@elaine567 we have 3, I just had a baby last July 

[smackie9]

On 3/26/2021 at 4:16 PM, Kayla9999 said:

@trident_2020 I’ve always felt like it was strange to be punished with silent treatment for it. He seems to think I’m showing off and trying to get attention.

This isn't strange at all....he's projecting. He was doing it, so he suspected your behavior was for the same reason.

IMO he needs to get rid of the game, and focus on quality time with you and to actually know the person you truly are. The game has caused him to have a distorted perspective of the world around him, and in person interactions. His brain needs to be retrained.

Edited April 3, 2021 by smackie9

[Crazelnut]

The silent treatment because you wear what HE considers attention-seeking clothing?? Do you realize how f'ed up that is?!  Sorry, but your issues go way beyond him sexting a few women. This man is an insecure, immature, manipulative chauvinist. PLEASE use this incident as an opportunity to get into marriage counseling with him.  Please don't put up with bullcrap, especially if you have daughters. Don't let them think this is normal or ok. 

[Stupidkupid]

On 4/9/2021 at 2:20 PM, Crazelnut said:

The silent treatment because you wear what HE considers attention-seeking clothing?? Do you realize how f'ed up that is?!  Sorry, but your issues go way beyond him sexting a few women. This man is an insecure, immature, manipulative chauvinist. PLEASE use this incident as an opportunity to get into marriage counseling with him.  Please don't put up with bullcrap, especially if you have daughters. Don't let them think this is normal or ok. 

Yeah, this pretty much did it for me. It was bad already but this is controlling behaviour and seems like just another thing in a list of things.