Inconsistencies?

[Kristen]

I feel silly posting this, but...

Just about 2 months ago, an exboyfriend contacted me. He and I were 19 when we met & fell in love almost instantly, we lived and travelled together for about 2 years, from the day we met. We were each other's 1st loves but lost touch 26 years ago. We are currently separated by 2000 miles and the closed US-Canadian border. Things are pretty amazing these days. We video chat a few times a week, talk on the phone often and message throughout the day. We have cooking nights, watch movies together... we are back in a long distance relationship almost like no time has passed. It's been a trip. Very natural and easy. 

Things are really good. He's been telling me from day 1 of our new found communication that I'm the only woman he's ever loved, that's he's missed me badly ever since we split, that he wanted to marry me then and still does... I found a bunch of letters he wrote to me back then, pouring his heart out, saying things like: God put us on this Earth to be happy and to be together,  that we're meant to be together, that he loves me sooo much, that he never wants to be separated from me again (we were young and always having border issues)... We both cried when I found these letters I kept in a pile of old folders. He's been saying the same things over the past 2 months.  We're working out how we can be together now, which is difficult since we live far from each other and both have kids in our respective homes- but I do believe we can work it out. 

What's weighing me down right now though is this: He started a relationship with another woman 5 years after we split, married her 9 years ago, and they've now been separated for 3 years. He said they haven't seen each other at all in 3 years. He told me that he never really loved her, that their relationship "had no roots", that it was mostly miserable and that they were "just surviving".  We had conversations about this because I don't understand how you can marry and stay with someone you don't love, never loved, and have 3 kids with... Now, she was his wife. I expected that he would have loved her and said beautiful wonderful things to her. Of course!!! But he said no... that he was trying to love her but never really did. He got kind of upset because he didn't think I believed him. So looking through his FB page I found a post he had written to her. I'm like wait what???? He said that things on FB were a snapshot in time and not representative of the entire relationship. Ok, I get that, but there are inconsistencies here. 

So this is bothering me- He had brought up that he never called anyone but me "babe". When we were reading those old letters, he said that he was blown away because he's never said any of those things to anybody.  Again, I would HOPE that he had love after me. I hope that he had a good life in the past 26 years of our separation. This post threw me because he said that he DIDN'T.  They separated about a year after this post. 

Last night, he told me again that we were meant to be together, that I'm his soulmate and that he intends to marry me. But I had this post he wrote to her in my mind. And it makes me wonder if he's telling me the truth & if his feelings for me are as real as he says. Every day we're getting closer, and I'm falling for him all over again. Then there's this... 

 

"It is hard to believe that we were married 5 years ago today. Wow, how time has flew by so fast. Anyway, Happy Anniversary babe..! Since xxx will be working tonight, we spent the day at the beach with the boys

So many good things have come / grew out of this marriage such as our 3 awesome boys and Our Gaelic journey which was started 5 years ago today just to name 2.

And although its been a roller coaster (ups and downs, as almost all marriages are), its been a fantastic ride and foresee many more anniversaries to come After 17 years together there is no doubt we are made for each other

I love you sooo much, prolly more than I tell you, and can't wait for more craziness, in a good way, and see our family grow and prosper in the future! Its just get'n good! "

 

 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Kristen

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately his wife doesn't seem to know they're "separated". Pull way back from this.

[Kristen]

Thanks for responding. They haven't seen each other in 3 years. 

[Kristen]

 We video chat often, I've seen his apartment, met his kids (on video) on the weekends. There is definitely no wife living there. He said that they haven't seen each other in 3 years & I have no reason not to believe that. She's got a boyfriend and changed her name back to her maiden name on FB. 

My concern isn't if he's still married, or still loves his wife... He's not and doesn't. 

My concern is if his emotions are all over the place. If what he says to me about his feelings are real... I get that they're real in the moment. He says they're real and always have been. 

It is definitely possible that I'm reading too much into things. He's told me several "full disclosure" things that I'm sure he was concerned would be dealbreakers for me, but he told me anyway. When it comes to this, he said "If I loved her I would just tell you".  But apparently he did love her at one point. Why wouldn't he just tell me that? 

[d0nnivain]

You use the word "separated".  If that means he is not yet divorced after not seeing his wife for 3 years, steer clear.  Let him clean up that mess before he moves forward with you. 

If the idea that you were not the only woman he loved or called "babe" bothers you, just cut him lose.  He is obviously somebody who is cavalier with his words  because you do have written proof in the form of a FB post that he called his wife babe.  That in & off itself shouldn't bother you as much as it does.  Your level of upset is disproportionate to the harm.  That said, as somebody who throws around hyperbole & who romanticizes everything, you have to take everything he says with a grain of salt & can't rely on him.  That would be more of an issue for me then whether I was the only one he called babe.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Kristen said:

Just about 2 months ago, an exboyfriend contacted me. he wanted to marry me then and still does..

Unfortunately, there are quite a few red flags. After catching up for 8 weeks, he wants to marry you? 

[Watercolors]

My rule of thumb with anything digital or video: it's not real. It just isn't. It seems real, but it isn't real. It's limerence. It's infatuation. It's loneliness. It's reminiscing and it's fantasizing. But it's not real. 

The only way to know if a relationship and feelings are real is to spend time with each other offline, face to face, over a long period of time. Otherwise, you're just video/digital pen pals fantasizing about a future together when the reality is: there is no future together. You're both caught up in the past. 

Way to many red flags here. I'd back off of this because it won't lead you anywhere good. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Kristen said:

He started a relationship with another woman 5 years after we split, married her 9 years ago, and they've now been separated for 3 years. He said they haven't seen each other at all in 3 years. He told me that he never really loved her, that their relationship "had no roots", that it was mostly miserable and that they were "just surviving".  We had conversations about this because I don't understand how you can marry and stay with someone you don't love, never loved, and have 3 kids with... Now, she was his wife. I expected that he would have loved her and said beautiful wonderful things to her. Of course!!! But he said no... that he was trying to love her but never really did. He got kind of upset because he didn't think I believed him. So looking through his FB page I found a post he had written to her. I'm like wait what???? He said that things on FB were a snapshot in time and not representative of the entire relationship. Ok, I get that, but there are inconsistencies here. 

I'd be very concerned about all of this, because either way this works out, he's showing himself to be a liar.

Either he lied to his ex wife when he didn't love her but told her that he did...or he did love her he's lying to you about never having loved her.   Add to that, he told you that he's never called anyone 'babe' and you've got evidence that this isn't true.  No matter how this unfolds, he's untrustworthy. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Kristen said:

he told me again that we were meant to be together, that I'm his soulmate and that he intends to marry me.

This is ridiculous, given that you haven't spent any time together in person in 26 years. He's building glass castles in the sky with this sort of fantasy-talk. 

He sounds sleezy and rather desperate, sorry to say. 

[Wiseman2]

Whenever an ex contacts you it's for them.

It makes no sense that he married someone, had a family together etc. and it was all a sham because for 26 years he's really been holding the torch for you.

That's another red flag. The FB post is normal. What's not normal is after 26 years, sight unseen, he wants to marry you and run away into the sunset together.

[Fletch Lives]

So if he's the perfect one for you, why did you two breakup? We call them breakups because they are broken.

[SpecialJ]

Sounds like you're the phantom ex. People with commitment issues do this. They're scared to fully commit to a real person in front of them but hold on to exes / crushes they have lots of distance from or whom are unavailable to them in some way. This helps them get lost in a fantasy that may create enough distance to let them be with the real person who scares them while not feeling "trapped" by it (ie the years he was with his wife but now says he never really loved her). Or may allow them to seem comitted to someone (possibly you, in this situation) as long as there's some sort of other buffer creating the distance they require in romantic relationships. I suspect that once the obstacles you have to seeing each other in person are gone, he will pull way back. Trust your gut that he's emotionally all over the place and probably not stable enough for you. I don't believe HE believes he's lied to anyone, because he sounds like he reacts and believes his emotions in the moment, but his own identity is weak and shifts so he doesn't really build solid or consistent foundations. Inconsistency is always a giant red flag.

Edited March 31, 2021 by SpecialJ

[LivingWaterPlease]

People say and do the things they say and do because of who they are, not because of who you are. This applies to the good, the bad and the ugly. Your ex new bf expresses himself intensely because that's the way he experiences life.

I'm not one to try to convince another to believe a lie. I would always tell someone to run from one. However, he honestly may feel so intensely about you that he believes he never felt that way about her. Even though he likely did at one time. But, possibly now his intense feelings for you seem to dwarf the ones he had in the past for her.

I dated a guy like this. He'd had many serious R's before me. But, when he met me he was certain from the start he wanted to marry me. He talked a lot not only about marriage but about us writing a book together about our relationship called, "The Relationship." This was after a few weeks of us dating. He was an academic and I believe he truly believed we should write such a book together. Our great "Relationship" ended the same way all his other relationships before me and after me had/have ended, by his cheating and moving on to another relationship he had "never felt this way about with anyone before!"

It's just who he was.

Slow down here. You really need to take your time before doing anything rash. Don't move in with him or marry him. Give the R time to learn what is true about him and about the relationship the two of you share.

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by LivingWaterPlease

[SpecialJ]

I thought of something else... if I have the math right from your post, he dated his wife for about 12 years before actually deciding to marry her? That's more than your standard up and down roller coaster. I'd take your time until you get to know him in person again.