I want to break up but worried what she will do to herself

[Teacup56]

Hi. This is the first site I found to post this. Thank you in advance for any adivce/help in the comments. 

My partner and I have been dating 2 years now and have gone through a lot of great times together especially for a young age (21 / 19). We met while I was living abroad and after 9 months I moved to the UK. I think she is one of the most caring, genuine and kindest people I will ever meet. Every time I look at her I honestly think she is so beautiful and precious to the world. For a couple our age we spend pretty much all our time together too, especially after moving in together at the beginning of lockdown. In September we are planning to move to London as she will be attending university and I will be advancing in my career (better pay & opportunities etc). On paper we sound like the dream couple (which our friends love to remind us of).

However my partner has been suffering from serious social anxiety and depression since years. I knew this before moving down but not the extent of which. I help her however I can by doing things she is unable to (going to the shops, launderette, answering the door, making phone calls, replying to emails, not speaking to her in public or drawing any attention at all to ourselves in public etc etc) every day. Of course I understand her condition but it is also having an effect on me. Small things build up and over the past year I have found my romantic attraction to her wavering. I thought it was a phase at first but 12months later it definitely isnt. I now regularly think about other girls and have similar "grass is greener on the other side" thoughts. Our sex has also become very repetitive and unadventurous mainly down to my lack of "motivation" and sex drive. She can also be very jealous which makes it difficult maintaining friendships with female friends Ive had for many many years and engaging in new friendships of my own. 

Again I obviously understand this is not her fault and that her anxiety is a serious condition. There have also been times things have been better between us too. Thing is I am quite the polar opposite to her. I am very extroverted and want to enjoy being young exploring friendships and relationships and never planned to be in a relationship this serious. As much as I want to help her I find myself feeling restricted and held back by her - especially in the amount of attention and affection she requires means I have spent much less time focusing on my own health/goals/hobbies.

Now this is my dilemma. I think its obvious we are not made for another, as much as I do love and care about her. In any regular instance I would break up the relationship and move on, however due to covid this would A) mean her moving back in with her father who she has a toxic relationship with and would severely worsen her depression (has many times in the past)  and B) becoming severly depressed from losing me and could end up hurting herself. Thats not my ego speaking but what she has said to me many times. She also has no other real friends to talk to or support her. For this reason, am I a dick to want to stay together with her until the Summer and break up then? She would be just about to join university, make lots of new friends, have a new ambitions and goals in life and be starting fresh in London at that time anyway. It would hurt the same if not more but I am certain her mental health would suffer much less. Is it worth living the rest of a relationship out you know is going to end?

Thank you for and advice!

 

[d0nnivain]

Her mental health is not your fault or your responsibility.  She alone is in charge of her decisions.  I say this as someone who survived my EX BF's suicide.  

If you know her parents or her therapist, immediately after you break up with her, call them & tell them what happened & what she threatened.  That is the best you can do to keep her safe.  Do not let her manipulate you into sticking around when you are clearly unhappy.  

I do not know the rules in the UK but in the US, suicide is actually a crime.  Nobody gets prosecuted for it but if someone calls the police & says that another person is in imminent danger to themselves, the police will respond & can drag the person to a Hospital Emergency Room for evaluation if they think it's serious enough.  If the doctors have concerns, they have the power to put that person on a 72 hour psych hold, meaning they can keep the person in the hospital against their will until a judge can analyze the person's competence which must be done within 3 days. 

[Cookiesandough]

I think you need to meet her in a public place but away from others. Break up with her face to face. Be firm but gentle. Do not blame her, just the differences. Express your concern about her well being and extend your friendship down the road, just not right away. If you think that she is at risk of hurting herself, contact her family /friends. If you think she is at immediate risk, contact authorities. Above all, please remember that you are not a mental health professional and you have no responsibility or qualification to manage her emotion beyond being gentle and kind. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, FlyingRobin said:

She would be just about to join university, make lots of new friends, have a new ambitions and goals in life and be starting fresh in London at that time anyway.

Yes tiptoe out of the relationship when to situation presents itself. That's the best approach with unstable people. 

Edited March 25, 2021 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, FlyingRobin said:

things she is unable to (going to the shops, launderette, answering the door, making phone calls, replying to emails, not speaking to her in public or drawing any attention at all to ourselves in public etc etc)

If you are not even able to speak to her in public, then making this assumption about what university life will be like for her is quite naive:

 

12 hours ago, FlyingRobin said:

She would be just about to join university, make lots of new friends,

This is not likely going to happen and I am rather surprised that you think it will. Her anxiety is too severe, and you have been enabling her for a long time. I understand you were only trying to help, but conceding to all these demands is actually quite counter-productive and only permitted her to hide behind you. She needs professional help, if she is not already receiving any. (and if she is, it apparently isn't working)

So no, it does not make sense to wait until summer when you think she will suddenly come out of her shell and make all kinds of new friends. That is simply putting off the the inevitable, and you will likely find more reason to stick around as I strongly suspect that she will not adjust well to university life and depend on you even more to cope. That isn't healthy, as you realize, and you obviously recognize that this relationship has run its course. 

I would be gentle but firm with her when you end it, and if she threatens to hurt herself, inform emergency services. You need to take such threats seriously. Her mental health issues are not your responsibility and it is unfair to shoulder that burden. She will need to start truly looking after herself here, with the proper support. You aren't in a position to offer her that, so extricate yourself from this with respect and kindness - but the rest is on her. 

[Atwood]

I just want to say that the mental health and wellbeing of others is not your responsibility and it is wrong for a partner to hold you hostage by saying they'd hurt themselves if you left. As others have said, of course be kind and respectful but set firm boundaries about where you want to go from here. Once she gets an inkling that you're leaving due to something she's doing she will beg and cry and promise to change. She'll make a ton of promises she can't keep, so keep that in mind and go in there with a firm goal. She will likely be desperate for another chance or she may even try to get you to think she will harm herself if you leave - in that case you need to remember that this is not your decision and talk through how you would like to make her safe before you go (negotiate who you are going to contact and living arrangements etc). 

 

I know it feels harsh to be like this, but there comes a point where you need to accept you cannot control her reaction. Yeah she's gonna feel extremely bad, it's going to hurt, she may feel suicidal or have a breakdown - this is her responsibility to cope with and as long as you are respectful and kind during the breakup and put everything in place that you think is fair, like contacting her loved ones, there's nothing more that can be done. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, FlyingRobin said:

 I am very extroverted and want to enjoy being young exploring friendships and relationships and never planned to be in a relationship this serious. 

Does she have supportive family and friends? Apparently she has survived most of her life with all this. And she will survive without you.

Your arrival into her life 2 years ago has not changed who she is, her family, friends, goals, etc. 

If her anxiety is this paralyzing, surely she sees a psychiatrist and therapist regularly, no?

End it when you move/your lease is up, whatever. 

You really don't want to be tied down so you need insight into that.

Perhaps she's not the basket case you depict her to be. If she has plans for the future,is attending university in a new city, etc.

Perhaps you just have a run-of-the-mill grass is greener thing going on.

I think you'll both live and be fine... but better without being tied to each other.

 

 

Edited March 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Calling her parents like someone suggested is not appropriate. In fact, doing this to an ADULT can be triggering and embarrassing. In other words, it could backfire and make things worse emotionally for her.

Also, tiptoeing out of the relationship as someone suggested is also not a good idea. If she finds out or later realizes that you KNEW in advance that you weren't planning to be with her and strung her along, this could also make her feel even worse.

I think you need to sit her down and break the news to her openly. You don't have to go into every single detail and make her feel awful, but be blunt that you are unhappy and are moving on. Thank her for some wonderful memories, and wish her good luck. Cut the cord immediately and permanently. If she attempts to contact you and threatens to harm herself after this point, then by all means contact her parents, the police and/or her therapist.

On 3/25/2021 at 2:14 PM, FlyingRobin said:

Our sex has also become very repetitive and unadventurous mainly down to my lack of "motivation" and sex drive.

How much pOrn are you watching, and how often? Wondering if this might be the real reason for your issues in the bedroom.

Edited March 30, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[d0nnivain]

10 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Calling her parents like someone suggested is not appropriate. In fact, doing this to an ADULT can be triggering and embarrassing. In other words, it could backfire and make things worse emotionally for her.

What is he supposed to do if he breaks up with her & she threatens suicide?  Just ignore her?  Let her kill herself & then carry around all that underserved guilt because he did nothing.  

If she takes it like a mature adult & doesn't threaten to kill herself, then of course the dumper has no need to involve others.  He should only reach out if she makes a credible threat.  

I stand by my advice that if she makes such threats that somebody should be notified immediately if she is a danger to herself or others.  While telling her parents may be "triggering" whatever that means, it's less problematic than telling the authorities & putting her in the system on a 72 hour psych hold.  If that is what it takes to keep her safe, so be it but parents vs cops, which sounds easier to deal with? 

Edited March 30, 2021 by d0nnivain

[ShyViolet]

On 3/25/2021 at 3:14 PM, FlyingRobin said:

Now this is my dilemma. I think its obvious we are not made for another, as much as I do love and care about her. In any regular instance I would break up the relationship and move on, however due to covid this would A) mean her moving back in with her father who she has a toxic relationship with and would severely worsen her depression (has many times in the past)  and B) becoming severly depressed from losing me and could end up hurting herself.

 

These are absolutely NOT reasons to stay with her or to delay breaking up with her.  You are doing her no favors by staying with her out of pity or to somehow avoid the pain of her being hurt by a breakup. Whether she has to move back in with her father is NOT your problem and not your responsibility.  You have been enabling her for wayyyy too long by going to the store for her, answering the door for her, etc.  This is a very unhealthy relationship.  She is going to have to learn to deal with the real world and deal with life sooner or later, and you are doing her no favors by shielding her from the real world and keeping her sheltered.  This relationship is dead, and it needs to end, and it only makes it HARDER to end it by prolonging it.  You need to break up with her and get it over with.  

Stay firm.  If she threatens to hurt herself or anything like that, then you either call her parents or call the police.  But you don't let her threats of hurting herself manipulate you into staying with her.  

[vla1120]

Keep in mind that, if you feel the need to ascertain when and how it would be best to break up with her due to the fact that she may threaten self-harm, etc., then this is not a mutually beneficial relationship to begin with and it is not your responsibility to stay with her for the purpose of being her keeper. You are too young to take on the burden of being someone else's caretaker when you're not married or otherwise seriously committed to one another. Break it off gently but firmly. Encourage her to seek professional help (which she needs anyways, based on her social anxiety and severe depression.) Has she sought professional help in the past? Does she already have a therapist? If not, perhaps you could do a little research to help her find one. Going to university is probably going to exacerbate her issues more than help. There are probably resources on campus that could help her adjust, as well.