Have I over reacted?

[Lostsoul89]

Hello. 
hope you are all well

I’m sorry this might be a long read. I’m looking for any advice all I ask is to please be gentle with me, I’m in such a bad place. 
 

Husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 12 and have been trying to start a family for 12. I’ve had 11 miscarriages, both early and late.
 

September 2020 I gave birth to our son who had arrived at 26 weeks. He didn’t survive. We named him, had photos, held him and had a funeral for him. We cremated him and have a box of his ashes.

My in-laws have never really taken to me. Hubby and I have been together since we were 15. His parents spilt up, dad remarried and his new wife hates my husband and myself and it’s caused a problem in the family with his sisters too.

 

when We lost our baby, that side of the family basically told us to get over it, you can’t class a 26 week pregnancy as having a baby. His father, step mother, sister, auntie and cousin’s, posted horrible things about us on Facebook the day of our baby’s funeral, Saying we Deserved it and laughed about it. 
 

So 6 months later, a few suicides attempts on my part,  not a message from anyone from his family to see how we’re doing or on his expected due date. And he gets a message out of the blue from his sister saying his cousin who he never got on with as a kid or who he’s not seen or spoke to on 13 years has cancer. Both of us obviously where shocked about the news and wished him well and the best care he could get. 
 

A month later hubby gets a call saying he should have spoken to his cousin direct instead of just passing on his wishes. After all he’s known his cousin Matt, 33 years. (Bear in mind what I said before). Hubby turned round and said “I’ve passed on my wishes, Matt never messaged us to pass on his condolences over the lost of our baby and his mum thought it was find to say awful things about him on Facebook on his funeral day” His sister than said “oh get over yourself, it was only 26 weeks you didn’t even know him, you’ve known Matt for 33 years now talk to him!)

This broke my heart and made me angry.  How could they be so heartless in saying that. I turned round to husband and said how could they say that! It works both ways!!! I’ll be pissed off if you call him. You’ve messaged, that’s more than what we got.

I found out yesterday husband called him. it feels like a betrayal. Like he agrees with his family that we need to get over ourselves he wasn’t even a baby and doesn’t count. I’m so hurt and feel like I can’t forgive my husband for this. Obviously I’m sorry his distance cusion has cancer and that must be horrendous. But to lose a child is pretty shitty too! Just feels like my husband has tossed our son aside like the rest of his family. 
 

am I over reacting? Is it because I’m in such a bad place? I can’t look at my husband or don’t want him anywhere near me. He feels he’s done no wrong. To me he’s betrayed my sons memory. 

[d0nnivain]

I am so very sorry for all the tragedy in your life.  Every single one of your pregnancies was a baby but the death of your son was a devastating loss.  Anyone who doesn't acknowledge your pain & grief over that is a heartless jerk.   

Do take care of yourself.  As much as you want your own emotional pain to end, ending your life is not the answer.  I know you want to be with your children but for reasons we don't understand now is not your time.  

Your husband sounds like a strong supportive man.  He is obviously & blessedly a much better, more compassionate person than his entire family.  Try not to take him reaching out to his dying cousin as a betrayal of you or your son.  Instead see it for what it is -- him displaying more class & more compassion than those people are worth.  He's the good guy in here, leading by example.  Turn it around & be grateful that your husband is such a kind, generous, loving man.  He "turned the other cheek."  Celebrate that.  Don't punish him.  When you eventually become parents -- whether naturally, through surrogacy or by adoption -- your husband is exhibiting behaviors that I would hope you would want any child to emulate.  

{{{hugs}}}

Edited March 26, 2021 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry you've suffered these losses, OP. I can't imagine that pain you're feeling. 

But yes, I think you are conflating these two issues and over-reacting to your husband's choice to contact his cousin himself. I don't see how him doing is in any way a betrayal and confirmation that your child's passing was not important. His family's senseless and horrible comments are not your husband's, so you need to be careful not to lump them all together. 

Have you sought any professional help for your loss?

[BaileyB]

First, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I work with children who were born premature and I see the trauma that these parents endure. Your loss is heartbreaking and you are not wrong to grieve the loss of your child. 

That said, life does go on...

And I say this as one who has suffered a devastating loss in my own life. Trauma and grief consume your life, but you can’t get stuck there. With time, it does eventually get better. Life does go on...

I’m concerned about you. The fact that you’ve attempted suicide in your grief tells me that you are having difficulty coping and I hope that you have or will reach out for support. Take care of yourself.

I have two friends who lost children at nine months, both babies were born after the umbilical cord had wrapped around the child’s neck. It was horrifically traumatic for the parents, but they have gone on to have other children and find joy in life. They have grieved, they continue to remember and mark the birth of their children. I have another friend who created a foundation after the loss of her son (he was born with a heart defect and lived only a few days). 

It’s very unfortunate that your husband’s family has not supported you in your grief. But, I would give your husband some slack. It must be difficult for him to be in the middle - his wife is grieving and his family is demanding. He is also grieving. I’m sure he is doing the best he can to manage his own needs, your needs, and those of his family. And, his cousin has cancer. 

In my loss, a social worker once said to my family “be kind to each other.” I have lived by those words, trying to remember that everyone grieves differently and we are each doing the best we can in a very difficult circumstance. 

Take care. 

Edited March 26, 2021 by BaileyB

[Lostsoul89]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am sorry you've suffered these losses, OP. I can't imagine that pain you're feeling. 

But yes, I think you are conflating these two issues and over-reacting to your husband's choice to contact his cousin himself. I don't see how him doing is in any way a betrayal and confirmation that your child's passing was not important. His family's senseless and horrible comments are not your husband's, so you need to be careful not to lump them all together. 

Have you sought any professional help for your loss?

Thank you for your response,

I needed to hear that. My husband is such a good guy. and your right his comments are not that of his family’s. It probably just old annoyance that he always does what they say. I think it’s just my grief and pain and maybe a mixture of medications making me over react. 

I am currently seeking professional counselling and am on medications to help with my Anxiety, depression and PTSD 

 

thanks again for your reply

[Lostsoul89]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I am so very sorry for all the tragedy in your life.  Every single one of your pregnancies was a baby but the death of your son was a devastating loss.  Anyone who doesn't acknowledge your pain & grief over that is a heartless jerk.   

Do take care of yourself.  As much as you want your own emotional pain to end, ending your life is not the answer.  I know you want to be with your children but for reasons we don't understand now is not your time.  

Your husband sounds like a strong supportive man.  He is obviously & blessedly a much better, more compassionate person than his entire family.  Try not to take him reaching out to his dying cousin as a betrayal of you or your son.  Instead see it for what it is -- him displaying more class & more compassion than those people are worth.  He's the good guy in here, leading by example.  Turn it around & be grateful that your husband is such a kind, generous, loving man.  He "turned the other cheek."  Celebrate that.  Don't punish him.  When you eventually become parents -- whether naturally, through surrogacy or by adoption -- your husband is exhibiting behaviors that I would hope you would want any child to emulate.  

{{{hugs}}}

Thank you very much for your reply. I needed to hear it from someone else. I don’t feel like myself and a lot of pass grudges are just amplified my grief. 
 
You’re right my husband is a good guy, and what you’ve said is true . Thank you so much for your kind response 

[d0nnivain]

3 minutes ago, Lostsoul89 said:

Thank you very much for your reply. I needed to hear it from someone else. I don’t feel like myself and a lot of pass grudges are just amplified my grief. 
 
You’re right my husband is a good guy, and what you’ve said is true . Thank you so much for your kind response 

You are welcome but cut yourself a break.  After what you have been through of course you hate the whole world.  It's OK.  Just try not to hate your husband.  He is firmly on your side.  He's just as hurt as you are (maybe slightly less because you carried these babies.) 

I was glad to read that you are working with a counselor.  I don't know if you are religious, but turning back to my faith really helped restore balance in my life after a serious of deaths.  

[Atwood]

I echo the sentiments above. I am so sorry for all of your losses and every single one is valid and understandably very painful. You are amazing for pulling through.

I do understand why your husband caving in to his family would feel like a betrayal, but from what I can see they are clearly extremely abusive. He will have had to grow up with toxic, abusive patterns embedded into his way of life, and the strength he has exhibited coming out of that situation and not becoming like them is extremely admirable. Children who have grown up in toxic family environments have very complicated relationships with their families. They are both forced to crave approval from them whilst at the same time being constantly degraded and worn down. It's an extremely cruel dynamic, and I don't know anybody in situations like that who doesn't back down or give in just to appease. Being treated that way is exhausting and confusing, and sometimes we learn that the quickest and safest way for us to end the conflict is to just give in. He may have been thinking, "they are going to torture me over not calling forever, so let's just get it out the way so they can't use it against me". 

Please support each other and take care of each other, you have been through so much grief. I wish you all the best and hope that you both find happier times very soon.

[Watercolors]

On 3/26/2021 at 6:54 AM, Lostsoul89 said:

am I over reacting? Is it because I’m in such a bad place? I can’t look at my husband or don’t want him anywhere near me. He feels he’s done no wrong. To me he’s betrayed my sons memory. 

You married a man whose family members are toxic. You had a miscarriage and his toxic family shamed you for it instead of support you. 

You need to see a grief counselor for yourself to help you process the death of your newborn. You need to see an individual counselor for yourself, to help you cope with being tied to your husband's toxic family members, whom he's so enmeshed with, he doesn't see them as toxic the way an outsider -- like you his wife -- can. That may lead to marriage counseling too, if you decide that you need to set some boundaries with his toxic extended family in person and on social media interactions.

You protecting yourself with boundaries, will disrupt the toxic family system that your husband grew up in, so he will notice the change and may react defensively by gaslighting you out of fear of the change (which is for his benefit too, but he won't see it that way at first). 

When a mother loses a child in birth that is the most traumatic experience she can have. If your husband doesn't emotionally support you -- you need to find that support outside of your marriage. In the form of support groups for grieving moms and with a grief counselor who specializes in child-loss. 

[Watercolors]

On 3/26/2021 at 7:38 AM, Lostsoul89 said:

I am currently seeking professional counselling and am on medications to help with my Anxiety, depression and PTSD 

I just saw your post after I posted my response. I'm glad that you are seeking professional counseling. I would encourage you to connect with other moms who lost children via a support group, as that will give you the community that you crave, while you process your grief. One on one counseling and your husband may not be enough emotional support since neither of them gave birth and then lost the child as you have. Other mothers who lost their newborn like you, will be a better form of support for you. I hope you can find that support group. 

[IslandSanctuary]

You can't blame this on your husband, he has to deal with all this too. Him being a heartless prick back to his cousin gains you what? 
Calling this a betrayal is a label that doesn't fit. 

Edited March 28, 2021 by IslandSanctuary

[Tuuk]

Maybe I cannot really answer your question but just want say how sorry I feel you lost your child(ren). Me and my wife lost our child at very early stage and I just bursted into tears. I am pretty cold emotionally otherwise, but losing a child just goes past any pain I can imagine.

To the answer section. Your husband make me think he is a warm person and even his action might feel in a way unfair it was still not meant to hurt anyone.