My girlfriend doesn't know if she can stay with me because of how I acted.

[jmilk]

Hi, recently ive had a rough day with my girlfriend. I overreacted completely due to the thought she was cheating and blew up on her. I hurt her real bad and i feel real bad about it. The next day she told me she loves me but doesnt know if she can stay with me because of how i acted. After a very emotional phone call with her she ended saying instead she needed a break and maybe time with heal her. This was our first fight in our whole relationship of almost 2 years. I understand what i did was wrong and accepted the fact. I told her that if she gave me the chance Id do anything to change for the better and that I want to work this out with her. She then preceded to say she needed the break so im giving her the break. I want to know whats the likely case for this? what does it mean? and whats the best thing for me to do during the break so that I can get her back? this is my first ever true relationship and first ever real heartbreak

Edited April 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
cleaned up title

[d0nnivain]

There are no breaks only break ups.  You don't get time off but do give her some space to cool down. 

They are a cliché for a reason but send her some apology flowers with a nice note. Something along the lines of:

I'm so sorry for overreacting & accusing you of things I know you would never do. I love & trust you.  Please forgive me for being insecure.  Give us another chance.  I'd like to take you to dinner on Saturday to [her favorite restaurant if it's open & safe].  Call me. 

Love, jmilk 

See if that softens her up.  You don't have to take her to dinner but you do need to plan something romantic. 

On the other hand what behavior made you suspicious?  If there was genuine smoke you can't just gloss over the fact that  there may very well be a fire, if you know what I mean.  

[jmilk]

@d0nnivainAlthough that would be a good idea its too late for that. I just texted her that I want her to know that she can take as long as she needs and that im here if she needs me. I sent along with it that she doesnt need to reply if she doesnt want to. She ended up replying and said that she doesnt know if she can give me a second chance with all the thinking shes done. I told her its okay and that im taking the time to heal as well and that im doing better and i hope she is too and that ill be here for her if she wants to make things work. She ended up saying ill remember that. 

As for the cheating overreaction. I saw she got a notification from an app I never see her use. I asked if that was a notification from someone and it was from a groupchat but she said she didnt see it. I asked to look at it and she reluctantly gave it. I scrolled through and then went to investigate the people in it and she grabbed her phone away aggressively. It sparked suspicion in me and then it all went up from there and what not. She gave me no reason to think she would cheat in the past so i think i overreacted.. she told me its no big deal and that i have no right looking through her phone

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@d0nnivainAlthough that would be a good idea its too late for that. I just texted her that I want her to know that she can take as long as she needs and that im here if she needs me.

Good heavens.  Way to shoot yourself in the foot.  For something this serious some stupid,  throw away,  show zero effort text isn't going to fix it.  

You can still do my idea but now you need to wait & have those flowers delivered next Wednesday.  I am dead serious about the Wednesday part with a Saturday date.  

It really doesn't sound like cheating.  It sounds to me more like she was entitled to some privacy & you violated that by demanding to know everything. People are allowed to have lives separate & apart from their SOs.  

Edited March 26, 2021 by d0nnivain

[jmilk]

@d0nnivain Youre right which is why i stated I overreacted. As for the dinner date. Only reason why I said it was too late was because she needs space and she insisted on needing space even before that text. only reason i sent that text was because i reacted in a way before that seemed a little desperate. its been 2 days of no contact when i sent the text you mentioned low effort. although thats a great idea you have, right now,  it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. She mentioned needing space so i feel like thats the best thing. Im not entirely opposed to your idea though still. Would it be better for her to reach out to me then instead offer to meetup and take her out and give her flowers and talk? Please dont hesitate to give me more ideas too

[d0nnivain]

I know what she SAID.  I didn't read it as her meaning that.  On some level she wants you to chase & be contrite.  That is why I suggested the flowers.  You need to show an ACTION.  

Doing nothing other than sending some lame text is telling her you don't care.  Or it's sending her into the arms of whoever she was talking to.  

My suggestion is all about effort but it's not too pushy.  It's not you blowing up her phone.  Whatever you do, don't do that.  This is one action -- a last ditch effort if you will.  You send the flowers with a note that asks for 2 actions on her part:  1). forgiveness and 2). her to reach out to you. 

If you do what I suggest & you don't here back from her after you get confirmation that the flowers were delivered, you give up.   At that point you tried & there is more going on then you know.  She may have been forcing a break up for her own reasons.  But once you know the flowers were delivered if she doesn't reach out within 24-48 hours, I'd be done.  My annoyance at her rudeness would be enough to turn my heart under the circumstances.   If she pops up weeks later then you have consider that you are now the fall back guy, she tried something (someone) else & it didn't work so she's coming back to settle for you.  That's uncool too. 

[jmilk]

@d0nnivain Thats true. I see now. Ill do just that and see how it goes. Ill get some flowers delivered to her by wednesday and see if she will meet up. although one thing bothers me. She wants to text me when shes ready. Do you read that as a sign that she wants to kind of chase her a bit but shes not gonna act like she wants it.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, jmilk said:

. I overreacted completely due to the thought she was cheating and blew up on her. I hurt her real bad and i feel real bad about it. The next day she told me she loves me but doesnt know if she can stay with me because of how i acted.

You may find that as she has lost trust in you to behave appropriately and rationally, she may never want to get  back with you.
Sometimes there are no second chances.
Many women actually hate flowers, as they are often given by men in recompense for some horrendous hurtful act.
Be aware but your options are limited here and it may work.     
BTW I am assuming you "hurt her real bad" does not mean you physically assaulted her...                                         

[jmilk]

@elaine567 Yes, I never laid a finger on her nor would i ever. Id never assault any woman.  Ik how i acted was out of line and totally unnecessary but ive never acted that way towards her before. I was just put in that stressful situation due to my insecurities so i acted in a bad way. I want to do the best thing possible so that she really understands that wont happen again and id change for her without pushing her away. I really appreciate the help

Edited March 26, 2021 by jmilk

[d0nnivain]

32 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@d0nnivain Thats true. I see now. Ill do just that and see how it goes. Ill get some flowers delivered to her by wednesday and see if she will meet up. although one thing bothers me. She wants to text me when shes ready. Do you read that as a sign that she wants to kind of chase her a bit but shes not gonna act like she wants it.

Not BY Wednesday -- ON Wednesday.    Because you sent that text promising space, now you have to wait.  If you pounce too soon you will be pestering her; if you wait too long her heart will harden.  It's a subtle difference.   Wednesday is a nod to an old book called The Rules about how a woman should respond to a man's overtures or requests for a date.  A lot of what that book recommended is simpering blather but when all else fails, show respect by going back to that old school method.  At ground the book was about teaching women to have some self esteem.  

Please remember I don't know her or you.  Based on what you posted I am getting a vibe that she wants contrite & some chasing but again, what I suggested is the ONLY chasing I would do.  If you do anything else it will be at your own peril & will most likely blow up in your face as being ham handed & too soon.  I can't promise you this will work & it may be a waste of $50+   

If she absolutely hates flowers send something else:  chocolate, steak, cookies.  It's about the effort.  

Do not send some long, simpering, rambling love letter.  She doesn't want to read that.  

There is a very delicate balance in here between being contrite with some effort / interest shown (opening the door) vs chasing & pushing her away by being a doormat or a cling on.  

[jmilk]

@d0nnivain That makes total sense. I understand. Ill take what you said into consideration and im going to do my best. thank you.

[ShyViolet]

The way you acted was completely inappropriate and hurtful, and she has the right to decide that she needs to step away from you.  Respect that.  Do not try to push her to get back together with you.  Leave this woman alone and let her have her space.  Let her come to you if she decides that she wants to try and reconcile.  She knows where to find you.  Do not send flowers, that's so cheesy.  Sending some material gift is not going to fix this.  You acted abusively to her, now you owe her the respect of listening to her and doing as she has asked.  Leave her alone, and she knows where to find you if she decides to come back.

[jmilk]

@ShyViolet I understand that. Ive come to terms with that fact. As for the flowers, my girlfriend usually loved flowers but I guess they would be different under this circumstance. I dont want her heart to harden. I want to give her time but show her that im willing to change other than through a text message. Im going to give her time but I want to make the best course of action because I love this girl so much. I dont want my horrible screw up to be the reflection of how our relationship was. I wasnt an abusive boyfriend throughout our relationship but i def went out of line that day and i know i hurt her.  This was our first fight, it hurts knowing that this fight was enough to potentially end our relationship 

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@ShyViolet I understand that. Ive come to terms with that fact. As for the flowers, my girlfriend usually loved flowers but I guess they would be different under this circumstance. I dont want her heart to harden. I want to give her time but show her that im willing to change other than through a text message. Im going to give her time but I want to make the best course of action because I love this girl so much. I dont want my horrible screw up to be the reflection of how our relationship was. I wasnt an abusive boyfriend throughout our relationship but i def went out of line that day and i know i hurt her.  This was our first fight, it hurts knowing that this fight was enough to potentially end our relationship 

It is HER decision whether she comes back to you.  It's not up to you now.  If she doesn't want to come back to you then you are going to have to accept that.

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

It is HER decision whether she comes back to you.  It's not up to you now.  If she doesn't want to come back to you then you are going to have to accept that.

 It is her decision but he can help his cause by apologizing in a meaningful way.  

Flower may be "cheesy" but they are tried & true method.  

[Wiseman2]

She asked for a a break and if you refuse to respect that by sending texts, flowers etc., it will backfire. 

She will be talking to all her people about what happened and they will tell her to end it because jealous, controlling, possessive  behavior is a huge red flag.

Leave her alone and work on your anger and control issues, not for her, for yourself.

Edited March 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

After 1 incident of insecure jealousy over the course of a 2 year relationship, I think the guy deserves a 2nd chance.  How's he gonna get that if he doesn't apologize & ask? 

[jmilk]

@Wiseman2 Although what i did was aggressive and controlling. I was not aggressive or controlling towards her throughout the entire relationship. This was the only case of me having any sign of anger directed toward her, other than small moments of being upset but we've both been upset at each-other from time to time. But never angry. When it came to her I never had anger issues or problems. Like i said this was our first real fight. 

[jmilk]

as for the flowers tactic, im willing to try it but i dont want to ruin any chance that i might be able to be back with her. I dont want her to push away...

[ShyViolet]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 It is her decision but he can help his cause by apologizing in a meaningful way.  

Flower may be "cheesy" but they are tried & true method.  

His "cause" doesn't matter.  It's really not about what HE wants at this point.  She chose to break up with him because he acted abusively.  It doesn't matter if it was an isolated incident or not.  If he refuses to respect her wishes and do as she has asked, it's completely inappropriate.  

[jmilk]

@ShyViolet She never totally told me we were over. She said she needed time and she cant promise anything like giving me a second chance. She needs space. I asked her to not beat around the bush and asked her to tell me if we were over before. She replied “ I dont know, give me time” thats the inly reason im here asking for advice is because i believe there is still a chance 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@Wiseman2 Although what i did was aggressive and controlling. I was not aggressive or controlling towards her throughout the entire relationship. 

Ok, just lay back. Let her process all this and let the dust settle. Give her space, let her come to you. 

[Acacia98]

Personally, I'd give her space, @jmilk. Because what you did could be interpreted as abusive/controlling and there was actually a physical element to it (you grabbing her phone), I feel it's important to show you can respect her space and allow her to breathe. I think the flowers and apology might have worked if they were the first thing you did. But they weren't. You already reached out to her and told her you were essentially going to leave the ball in her court (if I understood your posts well). Reaching out to her again with a new strategy would not be consistent with that. Let her reach out to you if and when she's ready to because that was essentially what you agreed on.

[ShyViolet]

4 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@ShyViolet She never totally told me we were over. She said she needed time and she cant promise anything like giving me a second chance. She needs space. I asked her to not beat around the bush and asked her to tell me if we were over before. She replied “ I dont know, give me time” thats the inly reason im here asking for advice is because i believe there is still a chance 

You should leave her alone and let her have the space that she asked for.  She knows where to find you and she will come to you if and when she is ready.  The ball is in her court and both of you know that.  Anything else, like sending gifts, contacting her, would be too much and would make her feel like you're being controlling and not giving her space.  Her friends will tell her that you're a controlling ex that she needs to be careful of.

[jmilk]

@Acacia98thank you, that does seem like the better option with the time i had to think and you bringing that up. I guess ill just do that