My girlfriend doesn't know if she can stay with me because of how I acted.

[d0nnivain]

On 3/26/2021 at 3:01 PM, jmilk said:

When coming down to her reaching out and wanting to talk. Should i have her and I meet up to talk about it? like bring the flowers and what not after she agrees to meetup?

No the flowers are to motivate her to talk to you.  If she talks to you of her own accord, you don't need the flowers anymore.  

I do not think that space of more than a few days helps anything.  Once you get to about a week you are broken up. 

You fix problems in a relationship by working together & communicating.  Going off alone to sulk is not healthy.  

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, jmilk said:

That makes sense in those terms but she has never been that type of person to do so. it just doesnt seem totally right 

Don't be naïve. Cheaters and monkey-branchers dont have a flashing neon above their head, they don't have a type of look or attitude. A lot of the time they are viewed as good honest people, not that type of people, I never would have thought that of her/him type of people. 

[hippychick3]

19 minutes ago, jmilk said:

That makes sense in those terms but she has never been that type of person to do so. it just doesnt seem totally right 

If I’m in love with someone, one fight (as you described) in an otherwise good relationship would not cause me to break up or take a break from that person. Unless there was violence, it doesn’t make sense for her to end a 2 year good relationship over just one fight. 

[Yosemite]

What exactly did you do? Were you screaming and yelling 2 inches from her face? Were you calling her names? Did you break things in the room? Did you prevent her from leaving? Did you break her phone?

What made you finally calm down and how long did you flip out for? Did she leave as soon as you calmed down?

I don't think she's hiding anything, people are allowed to have privacy even while in a relationship. People who didn't grow up with  screaming and yelling parents are truly terrified and traumatized when someone starts screaming and yelling at them. Even if you didn't break anything just the screaming could be enough for her to be genuinely scared of you.

I think you need to really think about what made you lose it. Maybe you have issues with self-sabotage where deep down you don't really believe you deserve to be happy so when things are going great you mess it up.

Maybe you have self-esteem issues where you believe any quality woman is going to leave you eventually so you scare her to death to make her leave.

Maybe you have commitment issues.  2 yrs of a great relationship and now it's time to move in together or propose, you panic and flip out over nothing and now there's no way you'll be moving in together any time soon.

Really dig deep to figure out what caused this because the last thing you want is for it to happen again.

Edited March 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[ExpatInItaly]

I also think something is up with her. 

I do believe your sudden accusations alarmed her. But I also think your instinct that something wasn't quite right with her wasn't way off-base, either. Maybe you had been sensing that she wasn't quite  as invested anymore - and maybe you were right. 

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Simply the suggestion she might want to break up would be enough for me to beat her to it and say she doesn't have the choice because I'm gone.

I think that is correct and I believe a break is really a break up and anyone who suggested a break with me would be gone. 
BUT if i had been the one shouting and yelling and falsely accusing him of cheating then maybe I would understand his POV and accept my part in his thinking that way, so maybe not so black and white.
Yet again, what had caused me to over react is also worth considering, why did I feel entitled to shout and yell at him instead of talking it through like an adult?

@Yosemitemakes some good points too and these questions need answered by the OP, but not necessarily on the forum if he doesn't feel comfortable.

[Alpacalia]

Being falsely accused of cheating by your partner can be particularly hurtful.

We don't know about her former relationship, if his reaction caused a bad memory for her, or whether there's something else going on.

Still, there’s a reason why the notification on her phone elicited such a powerful reaction from you, and, at the very least, it would be good to explore that a bit.

[jmilk]

21 hours ago, Yosemite said:

What exactly did you do? Were you screaming and yelling 2 inches from her face? Were you calling her names? Did you break things in the room? Did you prevent her from leaving? Did you break her phone?

What made you finally calm down and how long did you flip out for? Did she leave as soon as you calmed down?

I don't think she's hiding anything, people are allowed to have privacy even while in a relationship. People who didn't grow up with  screaming and yelling parents are truly terrified and traumatized when someone starts screaming and yelling at them. Even if you didn't break anything just the screaming could be enough for her to be genuinely scared of you.

I think you need to really think about what made you lose it. Maybe you have issues with self-sabotage where deep down you don't really believe you deserve to be happy so when things are going great you mess it up.

Maybe you have self-esteem issues where you believe any quality woman is going to leave you eventually so you scare her to death to make her leave.

Maybe you have commitment issues.  2 yrs of a great relationship and now it's time to move in together or propose, you panic and flip out over nothing and now there's no way you'll be moving in together any time soon.

Really dig deep to figure out what caused this because the last thing you want is for it to happen again.

i wasnt calling her any names i wasnt screaming at her although i was yelling. Im working on myself but im hoping it all works out but it seems like im loosing hope.

[Yosemite]

3 hours ago, jmilk said:

i wasnt calling her any names i wasnt screaming at her although i was yelling. Im working on myself but im hoping it all works out but it seems like im loosing hope.

We all have something that we wish we could travel back in time and do differently, but we can't change the past. All you can do is make sure that you don't do this again in the future.

She has to forgive you, but you also have to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes sometimes.

Really try to find out the real reason you reacted so suddenly and strongly to one notification, and then work hard to fix whatever made you react that way.

Do you often lose your temper like that over small things?

[jmilk]

1 hour ago, Yosemite said:

We all have something that we wish we could travel back in time and do differently, but we can't change the past. All you can do is make sure that you don't do this again in the future.

She has to forgive you, but you also have to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes sometimes.

Really try to find out the real reason you reacted so suddenly and strongly to one notification, and then work hard to fix whatever made you react that way.

Do you often lose your temper like that over small things?

no i dont really. there have been maybe once or twice but never an amount that would warrent concern like that

[Yosemite]

2 hours ago, jmilk said:

no i dont really. there have been maybe once or twice but never an amount that would warrent concern like that

Was your Dad around when you were growing up? Did he yell at your mom? Did your mom raise her voice at you when you screwed up when you were a kid? If yes, yelling is a learned behavior for you that you have to unlearn or you can date someone who grew up in household where people yelled.

Not saying that you have an anger problem,  but one thing that might be helpful is to try long distance running or weight lifting to help get energy/aggression out. There's only so much energy that each of us has in our body per day, if you use up a good portion of it running, there's not enough left over to overreact to small things or yell and shout about nothing. It can help you so that you don't lose control of your emotions and start shouting when you don't want to.

Are your friends and family in good, solid long-term relationships or is it really uncommon for people that you actually know to have good relationships. When we only see positive relationships on TV or in the movies, and everyone we know irl is single or cheating/getting cheated on, it can seem like good, solid, faithful relationships aren't even real or possible. That may be why you always had the idea in the back of your head that she might be cheating even though the relationship was going really well.

To counteract that, just think of all the things that you've only seen on TV, but you don't doubt at all that they're real. Like you've probably never been to Sweden or Japan and probably no one you know has ever been there either...but you don't doubt that they exist. You're not thinking that any day now you're going to find out that Sweden is fake. Same thing with positive relationships...just because you don't see them day to day all around you doesn't mean that they're not possible and don't exist.

If you truly believed that a good relationship was possible for you, I don't think that you would've instantly thought that she was cheating just because you saw one group chat notification.

[jmilk]

3 minutes ago, Yosemite said:

Was your Dad around when you were growing up? Did he yell at your mom? Did your mom raise her voice at you when you screwed up when you were a kid? If yes, yelling is a learned behavior for you that you have to unlearn or you can date someone who grew up in household where people yelled.

Not saying that you have an anger problem,  but one thing that might be helpful is to try long distance running or weight lifting to help get energy/aggression out. There's only so much energy that each of us has in our body per day, if you use up a good portion of it running, there's not enough left over to overreact to small things or yell and shout about nothing. It can help you so that you don't lose control of your emotions and start shouting when you don't want to.

Are your friends and family in good, solid long-term relationships or is it really uncommon for people that you actually know to have good relationships. When we only see positive relationships on TV or in the movies, and everyone we know irl is single or cheating/getting cheated on, it can seem like good, solid, faithful relationships aren't even real or possible. That may be why you always had the idea in the back of your head that she might be cheating even though the relationship was going really well.

To counteract that, just think of all the things that you've only seen on TV, but you don't doubt at all that they're real. Like you've probably never been to Sweden or Japan and probably no one you know has ever been there either...but you don't doubt that they exist. You're not thinking that any day now you're going to find out that Sweden is fake. Same thing with positive relationships...just because you don't see them day to day all around you doesn't mean that they're not possible and don't exist.

If you truly believed that a good relationship was possible for you, I don't think that you would've instantly thought that she was cheating just because you saw one group chat notification.

my dad was never around as a child and i never had a mother due to her alcoholism i was raised by my grandma who raised me well. i understand what you mean and honestly it was the insecurities. I could have acted better it was just under different circumstances. im just going to keep moving forward and get better

[Yosemite]

3 hours ago, jmilk said:

my dad was never around as a child and i never had a mother due to her alcoholism i was raised by my grandma who raised me well. i understand what you mean and honestly it was the insecurities. I could have acted better it was just under different circumstances. im just going to keep moving forward and get better

Ok good luck. I hope that you can conquer this issue and hopefully your gf will forgive you.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Yosemite

[dangerous]

19 hours ago, jmilk said:

no i dont really. there have been maybe once or twice but never an amount that would warrent concern like that

And did she yell too?

Was it all you who escalated, or did it take both of you?

[jmilk]

21 hours ago, dangerous said:

And did she yell too?

Was it all you who escalated, or did it take both of you?

no it was just me.

[FMW]

Hesitating to hand you her phone and then taking it back does not, by itself, signal to me that she's hiding anything.  Personally, I would be a little rebellious if I felt  like I had to explain myself over something as simple as a notification on my phone.  Unless there's been a pattern of it happening, why get so focused on one notification?  My guy leaves his phone out all the time, and most of the time the notification light is flashing.  I would never dream of asking him to explain it and certainly can't imagine asking to actually see his phone.  Either I trust him or I don't, and vice versa.  

Volatile tempers and outbursts are highly upsetting to some people, and I'm one of them.  I wouldn't just let it go, even with someone I had been with for a long time.  I couldn't.  Whether or not anyone thinks that's being too sensitive or not, it's the reality for many people. Needing space to figure out how she feels about things is very understandable to me in that situation.

Maybe she has been up to something and your gut is telling you something is wrong, I'm not discounting that possibility.  But with the information you've given I don't see that as the absolute or even likely reason for her reaction.

I'm also guessing that you acting suspicious of her and wanting to see her phone probably wasn't the first thing you've done to signal your distrust, whether or not you were conscious of it.  She may be weighing other instances from the past along with the most recent one.  

I think it's very commendable that you are looking seriously at how you reacted and not dismissing the situation as an overreaction on her part.  I would also recommend looking honestly at your entire relationship with her and making sure you haven't dismissed things in the past that made you suspicious of her to make sure that you don't feel you have good reason to be doubting her.  

I think it's best right now to leave her alone and give her space.  I don't think flowers are cheesy, but with your recent communication with her I would leave it alone for a while.  Use this time apart to focus on yourself and your own feelings about the relationship.

 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, FMW said:

Volatile tempers and outbursts are highly upsetting to some people, and I'm one of them.  I wouldn't just let it go, even with someone I had been with for a long time.  I couldn't.  Whether or not anyone thinks that's being too sensitive or not, it's the reality for many people. Needing space to figure out how she feels about things is very understandable to me in that situation.

This!

There are many people saying that it's a bit much to leave a 2 year relationship over something like this, however, I'd be shaken to my core if someone tried to wrestle a phone from my hand, screamed into my face and insisted on looking at it's contents.   I don't think I could ever feel safe with them again.

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

There are many people saying that it's a bit much to leave a 2 year relationship over something like this, however, I'd be shaken to my core if someone tried to wrestle a phone from my hand, screamed into my face and insisted on looking at it's contents.   I don't think I could ever feel safe with them again.

Then you break up with them.  Once & for all, definitively.  You don't do this open ended I have to think about it BS.  If she's well & truly done because he was over the top & scared her so much she can't get past it, she needs to boot him out of her life completely.  Instead she is giving him hope that she will come around.  

So was it 

so scary she can never get past it

true & she's buying time to cover up her cheating 

not so bad but upsetting & now she wants him to pay by making him chase her?  

[FMW]

It took me awhile to decide I was definitely ending my marriage.  I didn't just automatically decide I was divorcing my husband when something happened (in my case his infidelity).  I wouldn't assume anything from how she's handling things.  Some people don't make automatic decisions on ending relationships, even when presented with something they find unacceptable.  Some people really do need time to think.  

[Miss Peach]

Coming from the other side of this it's my guess she had been complaining or had an unspoken issue prior to this happening. This probably just played into the other issue.

 

I went through something with my ex recently where one fight blew up and I was done. He's running around telling everyone he doesn't get why I ended things. But the reality from my side is I had been complaining for months and it just wasn't getting any better, I was sick of status quo, and it was easier to end things after a big issue.

 

Sending a text is a lazy way IMO too. If you're trying to make it up to her it doesn't really do much. The issue with this is going to the other end to creepy, stalking, not regarding her boundaries, etc. I like the flowers idea with a request to meetup and talk. If it a gesture that takes more of an effort than a lazy text but she still has the option whether to respond if she thinks there is one more time. But if she doesn't respond then I would give her her space and go no contact. If you keep going at her it will come off as scary, creepy, stalker, etc. My ex went with the latter after telling him many times to leave me alone. I think you possibly have one more contact after a little time. I wouldn't keep contacting her if she keeps telling you no.

 

I would also reflect on your side of things. When I have had these talks with guys after large fights, a big part of whether I took them back is whether they really got the issue and had a plan to fix things. Building castles in the sky with promises, not getting it, etc. always resulting in staying broken up. If one guy came up to me with more than an apology and actually got the issue I would probably have given them another chance. Even if you  don't et her back it will give you a head start on getting on with things and learning your lessons.

Edited April 1, 2021 by Miss Peach